help

[sinking girl]

sorry this is long, i apologise

belongs in the dark side i guess

basically.. i am slipping down a slope and don't know how to stop. i don't like myself at all (lifelong really but intensified lately) and even though outwardly my life looks perfect i am never really happy. i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i started taking drugs to make myself happy. and have had fun times on them, definitely, with some amazing people.. but it's turning darker now. i find it hard to function without some sort of drug, benzo, opiate, g, alcohol, stims, it actually doesn't seem to matter as long as i am artificially out of my own head for a bit. i am definitely depressed and get anxious at times too. i have a career which is demanding and very stressful and time off is not an option at the moment as it will mean i can't complete my training, and.. oh its complicated. but would be career over for me. already had as much time off as i am allowed. they are being understanding and i am on reduced duties but i have to pretend i am ok or the career i've been working towards for the last 8 years, that i really do want to do when i am well, will be over. i just want to get better and get some motivation and be able to do well at it, i am sure i used to feel like that.. but i can't remember..

i am not just tired but exhausted all the time. i have dark thoughts a lot of the time. i can pretend to be ok in company, and sometimes actually am ok, sometimes at work i am ok for a bit, but it always comes back. been diagnosed with recurrent depression for years, currently re-started on venlafaxine as it worked in the past but suicidal thoughts getting worse and worse. one attempt so far, luckily pretty lame one as was wasted at the time so didn't take anything lethal really.

i live with my boyfriend who is fantastic but has things to deal with of his own. i can see how scared he is for me and i know he wants to help but i can see how impossibly difficult it must be for him. he hides pills etc so i can't kill myself. it must be hell for him, especially as he has a lot of his own shit to deal with.. and its impssible looking after yourself and someone else when they are in this state i think. i don't know what to do. i am starting to feel disconnected from reality and the only thing stopping me killing myself right now is the thought of what it would do to my boyfriend who i love very much and my family and friends.

i don't understand how i am still like this when i have a loving relationship, friends, flat, everything really. but i feel it is dragging my relationship apart as we are spiralling down together. i really can't see how this is going to ever end except badly and i don't know what the fuck to do

sorry for the long post. don't really expect anyone to read it all. just had to get it out, am at my wits end.. at one point the other night it was either suicide or get heavily into opiates, which i know would lead to addiction, to block it all out. luckily came round from this line of thinking with the help of my wonderful boyfriend. what the fuck, i don't know how a happy childhood, good friends, taking the odd pill on a weekend and being a bit down often but nothing too major has led to full on self-medicating and me seriously contemplating heroin addiction as an option to prevent suicide, albeit fleetingly. how has my life come to this and how do i get out, i am so scared

sorry for writing so much, honestly just needed to tell someone who doesn't know me, even if no one reads this and am just telling my computer!

 

[Mehm]

I read every word. It wasn't to long at all, don't worry

Take a step back and breath. You seem to have your head on preaty straight so that's a good thing. Let me ask, what does your diet look like? Do you take supplements or vitamins?

The FIRST thing you should do is start on at least 6 grams of Omega-3 per day, fish oil is a good form. Also, nicain is a great depression buster. 500 mg fixes me right up. Beyond that, you can think about getting into a program like NA or AA for the addiction. From your description however it seems like you are depressed and not necessarily an addict. Maybe you are though. Only you can know that.

Best of luck to you. Know that love/light exists for anyone who seeks it.

 

[Eye]

That's a lot to be feeling, but I have been there

sorry this is long, i apologise

belongs in the dark side i guess

basically.. i am slipping down a slope and don't know how to stop. i don't like myself at all (lifelong really but intensified lately) and even though outwardly my life looks perfect i am never really happy. i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i started taking drugs to make myself happy. and have had fun times on them, definitely, with some amazing people.. but it's turning darker now. i find it hard to function without some sort of drug, benzo, opiate, g, alcohol, stims, it actually doesn't seem to matter as long as i am artificially out of my own head for a bit. i am definitely depressed and get anxious at times too. i have a career which is demanding and very stressful and time off is not an option at the moment as it will mean i can't complete my training, and.. oh its complicated. but would be career over for me. already had as much time off as i am allowed. they are being understanding and i am on reduced duties but i have to pretend i am ok or the career i've been working towards for the last 8 years, that i really do want to do when i am well, will be over. i just want to get better and get some motivation and be able to do well at it, i am sure i used to feel like that.. but i can't remember..

i am not just tired but exhausted all the time. i have dark thoughts a lot of the time. i can pretend to be ok in company, and sometimes actually am ok, sometimes at work i am ok for a bit, but it always comes back. been diagnosed with recurrent depression for years, currently re-started on venlafaxine as it worked in the past but suicidal thoughts getting worse and worse. one attempt so far, luckily pretty lame one as was wasted at the time so didn't take anything lethal really.

i live with my boyfriend who is fantastic but has things to deal with of his own. i can see how scared he is for me and i know he wants to help but i can see how impossibly difficult it must be for him. he hides pills etc so i can't kill myself. it must be hell for him, especially as he has a lot of his own shit to deal with.. and its impssible looking after yourself and someone else when they are in this state i think. i don't know what to do. i am starting to feel disconnected from reality and the only thing stopping me killing myself right now is the thought of what it would do to my boyfriend who i love very much and my family and friends.

i don't understand how i am still like this when i have a loving relationship, friends, flat, everything really. but i feel it is dragging my relationship apart as we are spiralling down together. i really can't see how this is going to ever end except badly and i don't know what the fuck to do

sorry for the long post. don't really expect anyone to read it all. just had to get it out, am at my wits end.. at one point the other night it was either suicide or get heavily into opiates, which i know would lead to addiction, to block it all out. luckily came round from this line of thinking with the help of my wonderful boyfriend. what the fuck, i don't know how a happy childhood, good friends, taking the odd pill on a weekend and being a bit down often but nothing too major has led to full on self-medicating and me seriously contemplating heroin addiction as an option to prevent suicide, albeit fleetingly. how has my life come to this and how do i get out, i am so scared

sorry for writing so much, honestly just needed to tell someone who doesn't know me, even if no one reads this and am just telling my computer!

I have been where you are. I have been depressed for most of my life from age 13 on, and I'm now 46 years old. I have three immediate suggestions, and one for the longer term.

1. I urge you to seek help at your local ER immediately if you really feel like harming yourself. I cannot stress this enough. Do not take your life, but instead go get immediate help, and enlist your partner in making that happen when and if you start feeling especially sketchy. I don't know where you are, but from your spelling of some works, I assume you are in the UK. Surely you have access to emergency care there. Do not allow your lack of funds, if that is an issue at all there, to keep you from seeking help right away.

2. If you have just restarted the medication, it can take several weeks or more for full effect, so if you can ease your mind with that expectation, perhaps it will be enough to get you through. But if even this is the case, CALL your doctor and tell him or her that you are in trouble and need an immediate appointment for assessment and medication review. Tell them it is an emergency because it is one.

3. Stop using any other "self-medication" if you can. Anything you are using can easily be making your depression worse. You don't say what you are self-medicating WITH, but downers such as alcohol, opiates, and tranquilizers/sleep aids actually dramatically worsen depression and anxiety, especially in large quantities over time. The fear of pain was so much worse for me than the pain itself. You don't talk about your addiction issues if any, or what it is you're using, but I'm more than willing to listen and make suggestions. I self-medicated for years and years with downers (mostly alcohol and benzos) and didn't start really turning a corner until I stopped trying to block the pain. I'm an addiction specialist with some mental health counseling experience now, but I'm NOT anti-drug at all. I still recreate occasionally, although I do not use any CNS depressants for obvious reasons. Four years later, and I'm hardly ever down.

3. Please find yourself a good Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy practitioner, or at the very least, pick up a copy of a workbook like _Thoughts & Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life (Workbook Workbook)_ by Matthew McKay, Martha Davis, and Patrick Fanning. Don't just roll your eyes and skim it. Apply it with hope and a belief in your ability to change how you look at your past and your belief systems. Very often there are long held beliefs about what life should be like, what a good life really is, and how you should be treated by others. Aside from quitting my addiction, employing basic CBT methods has been among the most effective interventions I have tried.

I live in the US so cannot really be available in realtime, but feel free to message me if you have any thoughts or questions.

 

[Eye]

Would be nice to hear from you

I've been checking back to see if you have posted anything here. If you are looking in, please let me know how you're doing.

 

[MrTrev]

I wish I could say more... But sometimes the smallest things can help, at least me. I read your entire post and I feel for you... I hope it makes you feel even a little better to know you could write a post ten times longer and I would still read every word. I have never spoken to a professional or anything, but I believe just getting everything out in words can work wonders. Before I came here I kept notebooks... Just writing everything down, it does seem to help me. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice for you, I just hope you can take comfort in knowing that whatever you write here, I will read it and help however I can, as I'm sure many others will do. If you ever need an ear, feel free to send me a message.

 

[averagejoeforever]

i have suffered from depression all of my life and have been taking drugs all of my life too the only time i am happy is when i am on drugs when I'm not on drugs i feel moody depressed anxious irritable its a vicious circle and i admire people who are clean and sober and who are actually happy but i also suspect that people who are like this are hiding and are ridden with inner angst which can never be cured a wise man once told me the only real freedom is death now i understand why he said that

 

[Eye]

Your drug use is probably exacerbating your unhappiness

i have suffered from depression all of my life and have been taking drugs all of my life too the only time i am happy is when i am on drugs when I'm not on drugs i feel moody depressed anxious irritable its a vicious circle and i admire people who are clean and sober and who are actually happy but i also suspect that people who are like this are hiding and are ridden with inner angst which can never be cured a wise man once told me the only real freedom is death now i understand why he said that

Joe, you know CNS depressants (opiates, alcohol, benzodiazepines) promote and worsen depression significantly over time, right? And stimulants deplete your neurotransmitters for long periods of time and make it impossible to feel much pleasure? The thing you're using to feel better is probably making you feel worse.

There is research out there that indicates that a lot of trauma gets buried away and that moderate psychedelic use may be helpful in allowing people to resolve some of that without much angst. Psychedelics aren't nearly as addictive as street drugs like cocaine, meth, or heroin; nor are they as hard on your body as alcohol, another hugely addictive substance. You might also try cognitive behavioral therapy. I did all of that myself, without a therapist. The combination of methods may unlock the door for a happier life. It is within your reach, but it will take some effort, just like anything that's worth doing.

 

[User Name Here]

Eye's post is exactly what I wanted to say. All four points can't be stressed enough. Please don't be so hard on yourself and know that tons of us have been there and felt similar--if not the same--at some point in our lives and plenty of us have made it to a point where we're happier, so don't lose hope!