S
sinking girl
Guest
sorry this is long, i apologise
belongs in the dark side i guess
basically.. i am slipping down a slope and don't know how to stop. i don't like myself at all (lifelong really but intensified lately) and even though outwardly my life looks perfect i am never really happy. i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i started taking drugs to make myself happy. and have had fun times on them, definitely, with some amazing people.. but it's turning darker now. i find it hard to function without some sort of drug, benzo, opiate, g, alcohol, stims, it actually doesn't seem to matter as long as i am artificially out of my own head for a bit. i am definitely depressed and get anxious at times too. i have a career which is demanding and very stressful and time off is not an option at the moment as it will mean i can't complete my training, and.. oh its complicated. but would be career over for me. already had as much time off as i am allowed. they are being understanding and i am on reduced duties but i have to pretend i am ok or the career i've been working towards for the last 8 years, that i really do want to do when i am well, will be over. i just want to get better and get some motivation and be able to do well at it, i am sure i used to feel like that.. but i can't remember..
i am not just tired but exhausted all the time. i have dark thoughts a lot of the time. i can pretend to be ok in company, and sometimes actually am ok, sometimes at work i am ok for a bit, but it always comes back. been diagnosed with recurrent depression for years, currently re-started on venlafaxine as it worked in the past but suicidal thoughts getting worse and worse. one attempt so far, luckily pretty lame one as was wasted at the time so didn't take anything lethal really.
i live with my boyfriend who is fantastic but has things to deal with of his own. i can see how scared he is for me and i know he wants to help but i can see how impossibly difficult it must be for him. he hides pills etc so i can't kill myself. it must be hell for him, especially as he has a lot of his own shit to deal with.. and its impssible looking after yourself and someone else when they are in this state i think. i don't know what to do. i am starting to feel disconnected from reality and the only thing stopping me killing myself right now is the thought of what it would do to my boyfriend who i love very much and my family and friends.
i don't understand how i am still like this when i have a loving relationship, friends, flat, everything really. but i feel it is dragging my relationship apart as we are spiralling down together. i really can't see how this is going to ever end except badly and i don't know what the fuck to do
sorry for the long post. don't really expect anyone to read it all. just had to get it out, am at my wits end.. at one point the other night it was either suicide or get heavily into opiates, which i know would lead to addiction, to block it all out. luckily came round from this line of thinking with the help of my wonderful boyfriend. what the fuck, i don't know how a happy childhood, good friends, taking the odd pill on a weekend and being a bit down often but nothing too major has led to full on self-medicating and me seriously contemplating heroin addiction as an option to prevent suicide, albeit fleetingly. how has my life come to this and how do i get out, i am so scared
sorry for writing so much, honestly just needed to tell someone who doesn't know me, even if no one reads this and am just telling my computer!
belongs in the dark side i guess
basically.. i am slipping down a slope and don't know how to stop. i don't like myself at all (lifelong really but intensified lately) and even though outwardly my life looks perfect i am never really happy. i can't remember the last time i was truly happy. i started taking drugs to make myself happy. and have had fun times on them, definitely, with some amazing people.. but it's turning darker now. i find it hard to function without some sort of drug, benzo, opiate, g, alcohol, stims, it actually doesn't seem to matter as long as i am artificially out of my own head for a bit. i am definitely depressed and get anxious at times too. i have a career which is demanding and very stressful and time off is not an option at the moment as it will mean i can't complete my training, and.. oh its complicated. but would be career over for me. already had as much time off as i am allowed. they are being understanding and i am on reduced duties but i have to pretend i am ok or the career i've been working towards for the last 8 years, that i really do want to do when i am well, will be over. i just want to get better and get some motivation and be able to do well at it, i am sure i used to feel like that.. but i can't remember..
i am not just tired but exhausted all the time. i have dark thoughts a lot of the time. i can pretend to be ok in company, and sometimes actually am ok, sometimes at work i am ok for a bit, but it always comes back. been diagnosed with recurrent depression for years, currently re-started on venlafaxine as it worked in the past but suicidal thoughts getting worse and worse. one attempt so far, luckily pretty lame one as was wasted at the time so didn't take anything lethal really.
i live with my boyfriend who is fantastic but has things to deal with of his own. i can see how scared he is for me and i know he wants to help but i can see how impossibly difficult it must be for him. he hides pills etc so i can't kill myself. it must be hell for him, especially as he has a lot of his own shit to deal with.. and its impssible looking after yourself and someone else when they are in this state i think. i don't know what to do. i am starting to feel disconnected from reality and the only thing stopping me killing myself right now is the thought of what it would do to my boyfriend who i love very much and my family and friends.
i don't understand how i am still like this when i have a loving relationship, friends, flat, everything really. but i feel it is dragging my relationship apart as we are spiralling down together. i really can't see how this is going to ever end except badly and i don't know what the fuck to do

sorry for the long post. don't really expect anyone to read it all. just had to get it out, am at my wits end.. at one point the other night it was either suicide or get heavily into opiates, which i know would lead to addiction, to block it all out. luckily came round from this line of thinking with the help of my wonderful boyfriend. what the fuck, i don't know how a happy childhood, good friends, taking the odd pill on a weekend and being a bit down often but nothing too major has led to full on self-medicating and me seriously contemplating heroin addiction as an option to prevent suicide, albeit fleetingly. how has my life come to this and how do i get out, i am so scared

sorry for writing so much, honestly just needed to tell someone who doesn't know me, even if no one reads this and am just telling my computer!