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Depression, anxiety and emotional numbness.

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somedud

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Hello, about 5 months ago I finished my ecstacy binge, of rolling every weekend for 3-4 months, and ever since my last time using (noticed the onset of symptoms direectly after my last trip, which was VERY depressing and basically not even rolling, just a feeling of overwhelming anxiety to the point where I couldnt be around anyone) i've had servere depression, anxiety, inablity to think and im very emotionally numb, I have NO emotion what so ever. According to people on this site I figured I'd be over this by now, being 4-5 months since I rolled last. But the symptoms are still pretty evident. I only got over my insomnia about 3 weeks ago. Also, ive stared taking Tianeptine, I don't really know if it's working or not.

Has anyone experiecned this after this much time from abstinance? In my opinion, I noticed a DRASTIC change after a single last time of rolling, basically loss of that warmth of life, and that contentness/well being. I endured a pretty tramutic experience during that last roll though, upon which I had vivid panic attacks/memory's of for about 2 months. My personality has been completey changed and its really depressing.

I've also gained a social anxiety upon which i NEVER had before, I was the exact oppisite, very social. Now I just sit home all the time and do nothing, and I havnt felt that relaxed feeling that the normal person has in forever.
 
I can relate to this. Depression, anxiety/social anxiety and emotional numbness...yeah I'm pretty sure I have all of those to an extent. As well as feeling quite brain dead all the time. I always put it down to the amount of weed I used to smoke but I'm sure it could just as well be mdma.

I don't really have any advice on what can help though, sorry. Maybe it'll help knowing I feel the same way.
 
Are you currently in any kind of therapy along with your medication? It can be very helpful in dealing with anxiety/depression. Personally I prefer somebody who takes the time to really listen, rather than getting too caught diagnosing with a specific disorder. Psychotherapy + medication can be more effective in the long-term than medication alone.

So be patient and try not to stress yourself out too much thinking that this is permanent. Many people have had a crash after using MDMA heavily, and have returned back to baseline after a while.
 
Of course you have emotions - your understanding of them are just off.

When you have been using MDMA for that long you can almost forget your 'true' self - you become a person who is either high on the drug, very social or somebody who is coming down and can't be bothered with other people.

The normal day to day high and lows of everyday life have passed you by and your sort of stuck in a rut - On MDMA = fantastic, this is what life is about - Coming down. Is this all that life is about!

You have almost forgotten about the daily challenges and how your 'supposed' to react and behave in the 'non chemically altered' world - I would image you feel that your looking at situations from a different perspective instead of just being amongst them and dealing with it day to day.
Insomnia is also a very prominent side effect when people have quit using any drug (smoking to heroin) let’s face it you have changed the way your body is working so to simply expect it to fall into a regular sleeping pattern is a bit naive (not to mention that a common side effect of ‘Tianeptine’ is insomnia!

You make reference to a very bad experience in your last roll that has effected you in a negative way – I have witnessed some horrible things when high on MDMA, that includes murders, robberies and suicides and I can assure you that it takes time for you to fully understand these incidents and be able to look at them in a rational way.
The good thing about your post is you understand that you have taken too much and that it is having a negative effect on your wellbeing.

I promise you that if you take a break from MDMA/drugs/alcohol that you will be feeling back to normal in a few months.
 
this happened to me back in 2002. i never ever really fully recovered. maybe 70%. it might be worth accepting lifelong depression as a possibility.
 
Lazyscience said:
this happened to me back in 2002. i never ever really fully recovered. maybe 70%. it might be worth accepting lifelong depression as a possibility.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't think about accepting that as a possibility untill you've done whatever you can to try and help yourself.
 
Also, i'm wondering if this is due to neurotoxicity of serotonin receptors or just simple downregulation/depletion of neuro-chemicals?
 
look man, youve probably just realised 'shit, what the fuck am i doing with my life i cant keep on taking all these drugs all the time' and got into a panic about it. i mean, to have gone on a binge in the first place suggests youre not happy and youre self medicating and now youve just made everything worse.

dr lazyscience prescribes not taking any more drugs and only doing good wholesome things from now on and, most importantly, having fun.
 
Yeah I stopped because of the experience I had on it. I had a bad trip the time before, I should have took that as a hint and stopped. And I never used it to self medicate depression at all, kind of the oppisite. I was on top of the world, finsihed my 2nd year of uni, got a new girlfriend and a sickk new group of friends and started partying hard, basically because I had my own house and was king shit for a few months, girls left right and centre, which led to a breakup as soon as I had a horrible breakdown from exstacy. I only ate between 30-40 pills that summer tho, even thought ive done alottt more in the past, this killed me. How bad was your binge, pill count and time if you don't mind me asking. I think I ned to become mentally active and along with neurofeedback ill be able to be more creative and maybe enjoy life more and my social skills should come back with that.
 
it was pretty much like that, everything was fine, i was staying in a flat with some friends and had a decent office job and i thought life was alright. we went out like every weekend and took pills and smoked weed all the time but i never thought it was a problem. there was a period where i think we took ecstasy every weekend for like 8 months to a year. its hard to remember now. i was usually the one to push the drugs as far as possible though.

then one day i was sitting at work and i began to panic and i was really anxious and couldnt think or anything. so i walked out of my job, left my flat and moved back with my parents expecting to get better in a few weeks or so. i never got better though and i have felt the same way for 10 years now the only difference is i get better at dealing with it.
 
Yeah but my binge was only about evry weekend for like 3 1/2 months, I only used like 20-30 pills.. and I never really felt different until after the last roll, which really set me off, I would be fine if I never done it that last time.. So do you think that since my binge was only a fraction of yours and it was only roll that set me off, that I have a better chance of a full recovery?
 
Lazyscience said:
this happened to me back in 2002. i never ever really fully recovered. maybe 70%. it might be worth accepting lifelong depression as a possibility.
Click to expand...

This isnt that far from the truth. I recovered maybe 60-70% in 4 years.

A supplement called curcumin helped me out a good bit with fish oil. Nothing else helped me much.
 
I can relate to the after effects you are describing of anxiety, depression, emotional numbness, inability to think, the spark of life and a sense of well being. Simple abstinence for a few months did take care of the inability to think, most of the depression and a good bit of the anxiety.

In terms of the rest, it takes more than waiting and abstinence. You have to be pro-active and recreate and rediscover yourself. It's been said quite a few times but bears repeating that simple things like a healthy diet and physical activity are key. Self-discipline is also key. For depression some of the best self-therapy is to create a routine and force yourself to go through the motions even if you don't feel like it - whatever that routine might be.

Spiritual pursuits can be the doorway into rediscovering or recreating contentment, well-being and the warmth and spark of life. I'm not talking about anything radical or complicated. For example, I'm currently reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now, and just the simple act of reading the book made a big difference because I've been getting small glimpses and tastes of that warmth of life that I used to enjoy regularly - and that's huge for me because it tells me that it's still there and just waiting to be rediscovered.

I wish you all the best.
 
Yes ive picked up reading but my simple pleasures use to be smoking weed, hanging out with girls and socializing every minute iof everyday, i could not stand being alone before, now i cant be around people. Did you abuse XTC? if so how muhc for how long and whats your recovery been like as far as your old persoanlity returning etc..
 
I'm in the same boat as you about 2 years ago I went on a bad binge like you for 8-9 months doing it every weekend sometimes 3-5 times a week. I probably did 150-200 + pills EASY, sometimes 6-7 pills in a night, sniffing, eating etc. I remember the last time I did E it was like 8 AM coming down with one pill left me and my buddy decided to share it and sniff it we did a little line and said fuck this and just let the wind blow the rest of it away and I;ve never ever touched the stuff nor will I ever again, i've moved onto bigger and better things (opiates).. not really lol.

Anyways 2 years after my last pill I still have troubles with anxiety, depression, socially awkward which I have never had troubles with before, i'm a totally different person. I'm sure the opiates aren't helping my brain recover, but E really does fuck with your brain and regret every pill that i've taken.

I'm sure over time your brain will recover I don't really have any input on that as I've been doing opiates everyday since I've quit E, but I haven't really noticed any changes in my brain chemistry/personality. Its good that your going through therapy sessions and getting help, your doing better than me.
 
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