I've noticed you've been getting pretty heavy with the PV bro. I think you should give it a rest for a little bit. Especially after what happened to you the last time. I say this cause I care
You are of course right. I already snorted some and set aside enough for maybe 3 smoked hits. I should have probably put the part that I was going to smoke back in the safe, lock it up, and then given the key to someone else to hide it from me, but I gave the key to someone already so I can't put it up.
Last time I smoked MDPV I did fine, but the time before that I had a panic attack that lasted maybe 2-3 hours and my blood pressure went up be 20-25/10-15 points and heart rate up from the 80s to 120 something. MDPV usually does not increase my blood pressure or heart rate much, but it did once before. I was having an even worse panic attack then, which lasted probably over 6 hours. My blood pressure and heart rate always go up when I have a panic attack even in the absence of drugs. I remember one time it went up to like 185/105, pulse in the 120s during a severe panic attack. Vomiting raises it significantly higher than that.
I kind of felt that I needed to snort some pretty quickly because I took my dose of hydrocodone and benzos without thinking about what happened last time I took a similar dose. With 112.5mg hydrocodone and 10mg lorazepam, I blacked out and walked around and said stupid shit that I have no memory of, then spent most of the high asleep. I took 97.5mg hydrocodone, 5mg lorazepam, and 2.5mg alprazolam. That's close to the amount that made me black out and do/say things that I have no memory of at all. I don't want that to happen again. From experience, I can also say that opiates+MDPV is very pleasant.
I'll try to have the willpower to keep myself from using any MDPV for at least several weeks. I'll also limit my hydrocodone use to the 10-37.5mg range and only use it for headaches that do not respond to OTC meds, and migraines which are bad headaches that make me nauseated, sometimes causing vomiting, and often make it difficult or impossible to walk( from a combo of extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and movement, as well as dizziness. They also cause visual symptoms, especially before and early in the migraine.
I'll also try to limit my benzo use to unrelenting anxiety or when it feels like a severe panic attack is coming. Max dose would be 3mg of lorazepam or 2mg alprazolam.
I don't need to be abusing the hell out of drugs after going from an extreme state of depression which from what I've read seems like it was a mix of agitated depression(a type of mixed state) and psychotic depression, which included delusions that I was going blind, that my brain was damaged and deteriorating, that it was my fault that my mom has cancer, and that I was unworthy of being alive. I tried suicide, real deep cuts where blood samples are usually obtained. It did not bleed a lot. I saw another significant vein and cut it deep but little bleeding. I thought these would bleed out much faster than a slashed wrist as the veins I used were larger. The width could have been increased but it looked like it plenty deep to have severed those long veins which are clearly
A previous episode of psychotic depression included a belief I was going blind, I was mentally retarded and teachers, parents, and others were giving praise for my performance, which I just knew was a see though attempt to make me feel better . I started feeling like I was being watched. Before long, I knew people were saying mean things about me behind my back. My level of anger and self destructive activities increased, though nobody new about my self-destructive behaviors as I kept it secret(burning on clothing covered body parts and ingesting various insecticides and other toxins. Before long I felt at times that my ceiling fan had been implanted with video cameras, as well as the bathroom shower. Sometimes I interpreted sounds in the wall as coming from machines that were trying to interfere with brainwave activity. Eventually, I took close looks inside the fan to search for cameras and microphones, found none, then checked the shower and found none there either. I often thought others knew what I was thinking and could read thoughts from my mind. I most of the time felt that the strange thoughts were caused by psychotic depression and most of the time I felt that much of what I had experienced was caused by psychotic depression.There were still times when I was feeling that my thinking was cleared. The worst parts where when I felt that co-workers, boss, and family members especially were spying, reading my mind and sometimes putting things into my mind. It did not help that most of my co-workers made fun of me because of how I talked, my obesity, the large amount of body hair, the music I liked, the clothes I wore. There was a significantly mentally retarded man who worked there and started trying to get me to talk about him right to his face. I would not do it, so they started making fun of me and treating me similar to the intellectually challenged guy, who was a nice person who did not deserve that bullshit.After that, they started calling me a retard and a crazy psycho which lowered my self esteem even more. That guy later asked what he could do to stop online games from lagging and freezing up. I suggested a cable modem which is much faster than dial up and he said I should get electro shock therapy. He and others kept calling me a psycho.
I have tried suicide 3 times, each time during psychotic depression and Christmas EVE in what seemed a state of agitated depression( a type of Mixed State with psychotic features.
I guess I should go easy on the drugs since my recent diagnosis of Bipolar II disorder, so hopefully I won't go back to a majorly depressed episode or a full blown mania.
The drugs are beginning to take an effect, should be in Heaven in less than an hour.
I'll update when I feel I have peaked.