how do sober people do it?

[DustnRoses]

I've posted on the dark side only a handful of times since registering here a few years ago...once it was about a girl I was dating and the relationship we had, the other times it was about drugs and addiction. I don't know if it comes across as selfish, putting your story out there and expecting people to read it and write back, but this is the only way I have to share what's going on in my head. I know there are people out there (hopefully here) that have been in similar situations, and I just need to share.

My family went from healthy, well off, good kids, high school graduates, etc. to what it is now, over the past few years. My brother has struggled with opiate addiction for about half of his life now, and there was a time when we both spent a lot of time together, as in rented an apartment together, and shared all the same hobbies. We got in trouble for doing something very stupid, and he, being the older brother, took the brunt of the punishment. A few years later my life had almost completely moved on, with a successful job and comfortable living situation, while he, now 4 years later, is still trying to get back on his feet. He's had stretches of sobriety, where he swears it's over, and you have to believe him seeing how good he is doing. But eventually he always falls off the wagon, and is back to living couch to couch, asking family members to send him money, eeking his was through life. Through all this, I feel like I've become the glue to keep my family together...that may be an over statement but it's how I feel. He's become the black sheep while I've become something like the pride of the family...the kind of thing parents proudly talk about at the dinner table with friends and family.

The only thing is, I feel like I'm a fake. I'm somewhat of a closet user now, hiding things from everyone...it used to be just hiding it from the family, not it's hiding it from everybody in my life, for the sake of my career. As I sit here at my computer, I wonder why I'm still plagued with this hunger inside me for that feeling...I see people every day going through their lives, no drugs, but happy. Those two things have almost become synonymous with each other. Without one, you can't have the other. But there are a lot of people out there who can, and I just don't understand it. I feel like any chance I get, whether it's a weekend or whatever, it's a necessity to be high...and I could be jeopardizing my life and my career by doing so.

All that I want in life is to be happy living a sober life...not a lot to ask, I don't think. It has changed who I am...I haven't had a relationship with a girl worth noting in the last 2-3 years, I've lost that social chip that I used to have, that would help me talk to people at a party, or basically act normal in social situations. I've kept people from knowing basically by faking how I feel, almost all the time. It's kind of like the tv show Dexter...where he has his secret life, but puts up such a good act that no one ever knows. I just don't know how I'll be able to live once I reach 30, 35, still having this, I don't even know what to call it...emptiness?

I just wanted to get that off my chest. If anyone feels inclined to share anything please do.

 

[Fight Club]

Many alcoholics and addicts will tell you that they feel isolated and alone even in a crowded room. It sounds like that might be how you are feeling.

I too was the shining star of my family, with a (younger) brother that was always living in my shadow, and turned to drugs and alcohol nearly 30 years ago - addictions that he has had limited sucess in putting behind him.

Ten years ago I succumbed to cocaine addiction after living with chronic pain and worsening depression for many years. I lost a job that I thought I would have until I retired, and used cocaine to escape from boredom, frustration and fear.

My ego had become so big that I was unwilling to acknowledge, both to myself and others the shame I felt for letting "everyone" down, chosing instead to hide from the problem, blame others, and give vague assurances that I was getting better, or never had a problem in the first place.

After going to a 30 day rehab in 2006, and attending regular AA meetings for the last 5 years, I have finally been able to face my fears and be honest with myself and others. I am no longer ashamed of my past, and ask people to accept me as I am rather than who they want me to be, or creating a facade to impress people, or make people "love" me more.

FC

 

[MadWolfZX]

I find the comment about addicts feeling alone/empty interesting. I will state, I have always felt this way, even around 'friends'. I am now in my 30's, but even in my teens I felt this way, and was always 'sober'. I never so much as touched tobacco, much less any kind of narcotic, until 2007(which is when some serious medical conditions started to occur along with permament chronic pain problems). I feel kind of the opposite as many might; I never really felt right until I got to try opiates. While they obviously fixed my CP issues, a side effect is they make me feel 'normal', something I never experienced prior to this, despite always being 'sober', and in fact, often in very excellent health(I used to exercise very often to stay in good health and feel the best I could; and this did help, but did not make me feel 'normal' as the side effect of opiates did for me). Prior to opiates, I was doing more and more extremely dangerous(and with significant probability of serious injury or death) things to get me to feel 'alive'. Opiates have actually corrected all of these problems for me, and I can't ever imagine wanting to stop using opiates; but for me there is no good 'sober' state.

Sorry if this is too far off what you intended to discuss; but it is related in a kind of inverse way, and I thought it would add some value in that perspective.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Many alcoholics and addicts will tell you that they feel isolated and alone even in a crowded room.

I am not going to outright reject addicts as a special category but just please recognize isolation and alienation aren't unique to addicts. I'm trying to stay helpful instead of getting negative about this but identifying as unique and special in my experience works out poorly in the long run. Be it 12 step oriented or Chthulu oriented alienation sucks.
My own personal opinion, addicts have done themselves more harm even in terms of the solitary goal of abstinence. Uniqueness undermines and handicaps more than it builds.

 

[Bojangles69]

Well you see the thing is addicts often stop moving forward in life while life just zips right past them.
You have to really envision the toll this single factor plays in relapses.
All my friends from college have a family, are making between 60-100 thousand a year, have beautiful wives, children, social lives, careers they enjoy. They have things that have been made possible by merely not making drugs a lifestyle.

I'm 28 and have really nothing to show for myself except my college education. Opiates specifically have shut off a lot of switches in my brain. I enjoy not obsessing over women, I enjoy not having a gf. I enjoy not needing intimate emotional relationships with people. I'm deathly afraid of that shit. I'm afraid to become something in life and succeed, drugs have only enabled this fear through the years. Years of feeling inferior, years of feeling like a failure. That shit doesn't go away in just 1 day.

It IS possible to be "normal", and to have normalcy itself act as a motivator to move forward in life. But depending on how long you've been using drugs as motivation, it can take a whole hell of a lot of footwork to reach a place where you feel good with your life. Years of abstaining and learning new ways of thinking. Years of learning to stop looking at all the shit you could have had w/out drugs.
You really need imo to connect with something in life and initially you just have to have a lot of faith to reach that point. I don't really think addicts are special. I believe drug use is just a manifestation of our death instint. I talked about this with a shrink for 6 years of my life who didn't believe addiction was a disease. He said most things in life can either be explained by a survival instinct (job) or a death instinct (smoking). He said its important to realize that you will always have a death instinct, you just need to see how it manifests in your life. For me it was drugs, for my dad it was smoking/food. For my oldest brother it was merely money. You can almost look at anyone in life and see it at work.

It can be done, but I don't think untill you have truely seen where drugs take you. And thats as close to death as it takes to wake you up. It isn't about stopping drugs, its is about waking up to life. And one important thing I want to say about this whole "difference analyzing". I ALWAYS here from addicts "I'm different". Well guess what? People NEED to think of themselves as different in someway otherwise their emotional health often goes to shit.
The entire word "different" you can directly associate to the word "identity". Without difference, we have no identity. As the world becomes more and more overpopulated, and in industrious societies, identities get watered down to near nonexistence. No longer does one person cut the meat in town, while another person farms the vegetables, a lot of our purpose in life can be replaced by someone else the second we're gone.
What makes it worse is adaptibility. Many of us thrive in cultures that are always changing. We are required now more than ever to be versatile and adaptable. And the more you need to adapt to life, the less you feel like you have an identity. Repetition gives identity, changing jobs 100 times does not. So how do some people get their identity? Use drugs, "now I'm different". I'm not saying everyone does this I'm just saying its becoming more and more common in modernized societies.
Anyway the was a rant almost, but you can get and stay clean. It takes an immense desire, patience, persistence, and the willingness to tolerate some serious consequences while living a sober life. We often don't see those consequences till we get clean either. The second we stop, we open our eyes, and life comes at us at a million miles a minute. You either hop on the train and move forward, reestablishing a new and vibrant identity in life (where you'll find yourself saying "I'm different" less and less) or you go back to drugs and put life on pause till you either get another chance or die.
Its just the life way is. But humans are all wayyy more similar than we are different, and I can prove that in 5 minutes if you actually need me to lol.

 

[Cyc]

I think this is a very good and honest question.

In my experience, people stay sober because they are addicted to something other than drugs; something that drugs would take them away from. It could be a relationship, a child, a career, a certain state of mind, or any combination of these things.

If your life is full without drugs, you will most likely never seek them out. Those who have gaps to fill, will often use drugs to fill the void. This can become self-perpetuating, as things like habituation and addiction are sought out over new experiences. In a way, drug use is almost institutionalized to a certain segment of the population through our social practices.

I think it's important to always keep your feelers out, even if drugs are taking the place of something, or someone that could take their place.

 

[villian]

If your life is full without drugs, you will most likely never seek them out. Those who have gaps to fill, will often use drugs to fill the void.

I think this is the root of it. The type of person who is a daily drug user generally is not happy with their life (or some aspect of it), even if they don't realize it at the time.

 

[unsettled]

personally I think everyone has their addictions, those addictions can be constructive or destructive but everyone has a darkside.

as far as all the people who appear to be happy I can say with some certainty that many of them aren't as happy as they appear, in my experience people need meaning in their life and without it they will be lost.

drugs almost seem irrelevant in this respect, I know people who know themselves and find significant meaning in their life and use drugs, I also know people who dont use any drugs who just go through life doing the things they think they are supposed to do and who are miserable.

in my opinion people who over think life are more subject to depression and drugs but they are also more likely to stumble upon a purer form of happiness.

besides, sober is a very subjective word, people have a wide range of brain chemistries and I think most "well adjusted sober people" have a brain chemistry that is more balanced than the drug user's, they have no need to seek out a substance to complete them, they're naturally happy or at least more balanced.

loneliness is a universal feeling and i think it's good not to limit it to addicts, many non addicts are plagued with loneliness day in and day out.

so I don't think sober has anything to do with it, I think moving forward in your life and dealing with your problems in a non destructive way is much more significant than any individual's drug use.

just my opinion at the moment.

 

[Lysis]

Even though I don't do the hardcore stuff, I know being sober reminds me of all the shit on my plate and the hurt I feel. I actually look forward to something to lift my spirits or get me out of my rut.

TDS and other areas of BL have helped me get through really bad times. Sometimes, you just need to talk and the only place is BL. I always speak about BL fondly and tell people it's the most supportive community.

I hide my depression from my family, because my family was never the type to express feelings. It was seen as weak in my family. I think I've overcome those thoughts and attitude, and I like expressing my feelings even though I know I'm emo. I can't even imagine keeping it all in.

I am one of those people who stands in a crowded room and feels lonely. I totally understand that feeling.

My best advice is to focus on you. It's selfish, and the problem is that when you do find a relationship, you have to give it up a little bit. Find something you do well and create a project of it. Nothing makes me feel better than when I have an idea, develop it and then publish it. Software development is my thing, and I'm good at it. I'm sure you have something that you can say to yourself "damn, I'm good at this!" That feeling can bring me out of depression and actually make me damn proud.

 

[curlygurl1980]

hello Dustnroses i know EXACTLY how u feel. i have been an opiate addict for 10 years. i am now on methadone maitenence which is the absolute best thing i have ever done for myself. the part i really relate too is no matter what is that i need to do it was always like well i have to have something to grill out with this weekend bc people r coming over, i have to have something to be able to clean my house i have to have something to go over to so and so's and visit and etc etc. i to would look at people and b like i just dont understand how u can go to work and do activities and not have to have a drug to enjoy yourself it sad that my brain works that way but it does. i turned 3O a week ago and it felt really good to finaly have my life together. alot of people think that methadone is not being clean and sober but i totally disagree it has allowed me to live as close to a normal life as i possibly can. anyways i just wanted to tell u i totally relate to what u r going thru. best wishes

 

[Legerity]

I think the idea that the majority of people are happy and at peace is a myth that needs to be smashed. Most people do NOT have peace of mind. Most people get through life by maintaining a low level of awareness that allows them to continue doing what they are doing without questioning the causes or consequences of their behavior. This isn't a judgment to say that it is "wrong", but this is the way the majority of the world lives.

You feel an emptiness? Good. You should feel empty if you are seeking fulfillment through social roles. The more you "win" at life and get attached to your social identity, the more you "lose" your actual self. Fulfillment won't come from living the life that our culture tells you to live.

So explore the emptiness that you feel, it's not something to run from; it's something that can point you in the right direction.

 

[User Name Here]

I think this is a very good and honest question.

In my experience, people stay sober because they are addicted to something other than drugs; something that drugs would take them away from. It could be a relationship, a child, a career, a certain state of mind, or any combination of these things.

Very interesting point.

The other night I was watching a friend's three year old spin in circles because she likes getting dizzy and although I already knew this, it made me think more about the fact that humans have been seeking highs since, well, the beginning. Of course these highs come in may forms (relationships, hobbies, drugs, whatever).

 

[knighton]

I remember a time when I could not imagine life sober. I felt if I did not have my drugs and drink there was no point of existing. When I stopped it was b/c I had no choice. I was at the bottom....anything lower would have been death. And it can be argued death would have been better than where I was at. My life now is pretty simple and boring. I don't have as much fun (if you wanna call it that) as I used to, but that's ok. For the most part I am sober and I am happy. It takes a while for life to become ok w/o drugs. What truly helped me was my relationship with Jesus Christ. Without him there is no telling where I would be.