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How do you judge yourself ?

theartofwar

theartofwar

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 29, 2009
Messages
3,263
Location
Boston
Do you guys have certain criteria you aspire to become better at , or to accomplish ? How do you personally look in the mirror and say I'm proud I've done what I set out too.

I've been setting goals and knocking them down . But I still feel rather like a failure , which is tough emotionally for me. Everything is goin well (minus a real rough night) I simply find myself looking in the mirror and saying there has to be more than this - I have to be a better person than who I see. I've started by listening to others and trying to form my life around entirely clean people. This is so hard to do, I've dropped the opiats and I'm still finding myself in situations where drugs are becoming a problem. Tonight was like that and I didn't even mean for it to be that way REMOTELY. I ended up hurting others , and myeslf , and lost trust in my friends who past me a pipe (thinkin it was pot) just to smoke meth and I've been fuckin spun out feeling like I want to die ever since :( . I hate that shit it's not my drug at all.

I just want to be a good man, that's honestly what it boils down too. Please help me those of you who worry, I am not alone with these aspirations I kno it. Thanks guys.
 
Good thread idea taow :)

I think I have lost myself in the last few years- So much so that I had not recognized the person I had become..........when I did, I judged myself harshly. The last few weeks, I have been a little easier on myself.
I understand I have a lot of growing to do and I am now focusing on me.
I'm trying to look inside myself (have been doing this this last year that I've been in therapy) and I feel that I am growing. I guess seeing the growth and understanding that it can be painful and can at times feel impossible, I am striving to be the best me- which is helping me to not judge myself so harshly.

Try not to be so hard on yourself taow <3 We grow through our painful experiences. We become stronger and better people..........forgiving yourself is an important and can be a painful lesson <3
 
I tell myself when I am having a hard time sleeping at night from how I have mind fuct my life so far. That is the problem I think way to much and well you know how that stupid shit goes. I tell myself my brain is trying to repair itself but shit. Goals, like I said I think about them but never hold myself to them and that is a huge problem. Motivation, better myself, I hate to say it can be boring and I usually try to change that thought when it gets in my head. Its a strange issue and honestly a reason I have a hard time sleeping some nights. Laying in bed thinking about woulda, coulda, shoulda's is what gets me uncomfortable at times but whatever pushing a year off opiates and benzos. I am still not better that is for sure but better than before and that maybe counts, right?

peace.
seedless
 
I never had smoked meth bro, I went to smoke some grass next thing I knew I was spun, it was awful. I hate the shit. :(

Posa put it right quoting yoda - there is no try , only do or do not.

I never crashed so hard in my life bago - I dunno how people can mess w/meth it's a monster. I have always turned it down and always will. This was an awful experience and turn my life upside down in hours. I was so angry my "friends" just laughed , they al smoke meth n sleep n eat... i couldnt believe they found it funny. Meth + PTSD = horrid combo, Thats why ive always stayed away. Fuck man I dont even wann blaze for awhile, mentally I'm very hurt. Time to just keep pushing and leave ppl who arent friends behind period, close the door :(. Sigh lonely time for sure. But worth it. To be wit those I love and love myself.
 
Yeah I hear you I kinda have similar friends. I cut so many old friendships/using relationships out of my life the past 2 yrs. it hasnt been easy.

peace.
seedless
 
I already live a rather isolated life , after 5-6 years of opiates I left it cold and never have turned back. I ignore every call. but someone very close to me<3 pointed that this is not enough ,,, i need to shut doors that will hinder my growth or eventually be sucked in again... simply not an option.
 
My ex just hated whenever I smoked meth because I would crash so hard. I am an opiate addict and crashing from meth and NOT having any opiate is the worst. You sound like your a damn good person and you shouldn't stress about smoking some meth especially if it was by accident.

I have been addicted to opiates for 3 years and let me tell you I feel fucking horrible about myself on a daily basis. My parents forced me to go to detox and I'm going to treatment in 3 days for the first time. I have been clean about a week now and I'm going fucking crazy. I'm not allowed to leave the house and am unemployed (yes due to my addiction) so I have no way of scoring anything. All I can think about is if they will put me on suboxone when I go into treatment. I'm fixated so bad on it that I am slightly scared. I'm scared that if they don't put me on subs I will totally fail at getting clean. I've been pushing morphine and oxymorphone in my veins for so long that I can't sleep even now a week after stopping. Detox was fucking hell, withdrawing like a bitch while annoying drunks come piling in the place. I hated it but it was my first time ever being cut off from my freedom.


All I can think about now is that if they do not put me on suboxone I'm just going to walk right the fuck home and tell my parents I NEED a suboxone prescription. Would serve me right since I'm an epic failure at anything major I try to do for myself or others. Fuck My Life. That's how I feel about myself.
 
DanielMN915 said:
My ex just hated whenever I smoked meth because I would crash so hard. I am an opiate addict and crashing from meth and NOT having any opiate is the worst. You sound like your a damn good person and you shouldn't stress about smoking some meth especially if it was by accident.

I have been addicted to opiates for 3 years and let me tell you I feel fucking horrible about myself on a daily basis. My parents forced me to go to detox and I'm going to treatment in 3 days for the first time. I have been clean about a week now and I'm going fucking crazy. I'm not allowed to leave the house and am unemployed (yes due to my addiction) so I have no way of scoring anything. All I can think about is if they will put me on suboxone when I go into treatment. I'm fixated so bad on it that I am slightly scared. I'm scared that if they don't put me on subs I will totally fail at getting clean. I've been pushing morphine and oxymorphone in my veins for so long that I can't sleep even now a week after stopping. Detox was fucking hell, withdrawing like a bitch while annoying drunks come piling in the place. I hated it but it was my first time ever being cut off from my freedom.


All I can think about now is that if they do not put me on suboxone I'm just going to walk right the fuck home and tell my parents I NEED a suboxone prescription. Would serve me right since I'm an epic failure at anything major I try to do for myself or others. Fuck My Life. That's how I feel about myself.
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Bro - I suggest you go to your primary care doctor with your health card - ask for a list of ALL sub doctors in your area. STart at the top and work down. This is what I did and it worked quite well. I was on subs for 1 1/2 years , methadone for 2 , and then ... 7 weeks after kicking i went right back . After 7 WEEKS of withdrawals. It took me finally loving myself, loving someone else , before I was able to do this. Opiates become god, you have to put them in priority. We are not made to be slaves to anything, we're made to expand and evolve. Best of luck.
 
My criteria have been radically simplified over the years: (lose) 5 more pounds 5 more pounds 5 more pounds. Even if it kills me. Or turns me into crack addicted reject.
 
I have no medical card, no insurance, or anything like that. One of two suboxone doctors in my area is at the place where I'm going. I've done the homework and am doing what I can. I just hope that doctor isn't a douche bag and reciprocates to what I believe I need.
 
^ Gotcha brother , well I wish you the best luck man - it can be real tough - I was on a waiting list for some time back in the day . Rough days for sure. Hang in man.
 
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