Bipolar psychotic dominant

[LuckyStriker]

Hi...

Ive started to get really scared of myself lately. My paranoia, hostility and aggressiveness has been on a steady rise since I was 16 without any breaks. I am now 21 so that is 5 years of mania. I have the bipolar disorder whose dominant side (how I am like most of the time) is being psychotic.

I have lost all my friends, they went pop like a balloon. My relatves avoid me when I call them and they always seem surprised and terrified of something. I get irritated by the slightest thing, like when people misspell, provide incorrect information or insult me. Even kindness irritates me sometimes., but the worst part is Ive even started to get episodes where I really feel like going rage on my lost friends. I cant accept that nobody understands me, because its not like I chose to be like this.

I just cant communicate with people anymore, Im too paranoid to be able to concentrate on them or my speech which makes me even more annoyed. Making new friends is impossible now and instead of staying neutral they always end up bashing me, ignoring me, hating me. I know that its because of how I act... I am a big pussy towards people and have lost nearly all of my empathy to people. Only one I love is my mother, only person I like is my doctor who understands me.

Damn it... please help me, what should I do? Im so afraid Im gonna stay manic whole my life. I am so terrified of the future because my mania is getting worser and worser. My loss of contact with people is just making it even harder... If I could I would get some new friends, but as I am now that option is out of reach.

EDIT: And to be really honest with you, I probably also suffer from malignant narcissism. Kinda weird that Ive been thinking I am teh nice guy for all this time. Scary thing how appearance can hide who you truly are, but now that my speech has advanced many steps above since I was a kid, its obvious I fall witin the antisocial category. Guess there is no way to actually hide empathy.

 

[Lolie]

What treatment for your bipolar disorder are you currently receiving?

 

[LuckyStriker]

What treatment for your bipolar disorder are you currently receiving?

Lithium 42mg, 1 dose at night and morning. I also have haldol but havent dared touch that yet, but Ive started to seriously wonder if I should start taking it. It may work for my psychotic personality. Ive tried abilify before and it is supposed to be the mildest antipsychotic in terms of side effects, but I still had akathisia from that. Even at the lowest dose.

 

[Lolie]

^^^

Are your blood levels within the therapeutic range for lithium? That's well below the normal therapeutic dose you're taking.

Lithium is a mood stabliser. Whether it's one of the typical anti-psychotics like haldol or one of the atypical antipsychotics, you clearly need to be on some type of antipsychotic at this point.

You've mentioned your personality a couple of times. Have you actually been diagnosed with a personality disorder or have your behaviours simply become a habit because your mania has been inadequately controlled?

 

[Phenethylamine420]

Im on 100mg Lithium and 200mg Seroquel for my ASPD.

 

[LuckyStriker]

^^^

Are your blood levels within the therapeutic range for lithium? That's well below the normal therapeutic dose you're taking.

Lithium is a mood stabliser. Whether it's one of the typical anti-psychotics like haldol or one of the atypical antipsychotics, you clearly need to be on some type of antipsychotic at this point.

You've mentioned your personality a couple of times. Have you actually been diagnosed with a personality disorder or have your behaviours simply become a habit because your mania has been inadequately controlled?

I don't know. I am really bizarre in many ways, but I think it is because of a combination of different factors.

During my 5 first years of life, we were constantly moving from place to place, country to country. My parents always argued, the fights were extremely dramatic and violent, and suffering from also aspergers syndrome and ADHD I was extremely sensitive to stimuli. At 6 years of age me and my mother finally moved to Sweden, in a really small town, and would stay in that country from years counted til now. That didn't mean my life would finally be at peace though. My dad would remain stationed in different places, taking 1 week breaks occasionally to come home and pick fights. So you could say I was raised by a single parent. My mom is Japanese and didn't know swedish, so she had an extremely stressful time for the first years.

The worst came when he was unemployed for a long time. He become so aggressive and mean, drinking loads of alcohol. He exhibited manic behaviour and started to use force towards my mother, and at the end she had to move to Stockholm and shelter at a good friend of hers. Now he started to scream at me, disturb me when I was asleep and trying to force me to tell him my moms phone number. It became too much for me and I locked myself in my room during the nights. He would still bang at the door shouting at me to open the door... I was shivering every day in fear. I ended up moving to her place because I couldnt stand it anymore.

I think this contributes a lot to my broken personality. My doctor doesn't diagnose pointless disorders such as PTSD, and he probably knows that I do suffer from some kind of traumatic experiences. I dont have a personality disorder... I also have unusual fetishes and no interest in romantic relationships neither sex. But that isnt a personality disorder, is it?

I have little hope in medication because my mania is chronic, so I always end up doing drugs instead.

 

[rickolasnice]

MDMA + Talk with your mum (and or doctor) = Possible positive outcome.

 

[paranoid android]

Are you honest with your doctor about just how bad your manic and psychotic episodes get? Alot of people understate just how bad it is and i do this sometimes too even though you could tell by looking at me that i had probably not slept in 3 or 4 days and was manic as hell.

I have bipolar disorder with some psychotic features and i am currently on lamotrigine, bupropion, clonazepam and risperidone. This cocktail helps alot but i still get depressed and manic so it's not under control completerly. Though my life is a hell of alot better then what it was before i went on meds that is for sure.

What recreational drugs do you take if any? Alot of rec drugs especially stimulants of any sort make bipolar much worse and can mimic mania themselves. So if you do take any rec drugs i would suggest stopping them altogether atleast until you get stabilized for a good long time.

My doctor doesn't diagnose pointless disorders such as PTSD, and he probably knows that I do suffer from some kind of traumatic experiences. I dont have a personality disorder... I also have unusual fetishes and no interest in romantic relationships neither sex. But that isnt a personality disorder, is it?

PTSD is not a personality disorder and it is most certainly not a bullshit diagnoses. I know more then a few that suffer from it and it is indeed very hard to live with. If you have had traumatic experiences i would strongly suggest taking to your doctor about them. As for the whole sex thing i don't think that fits the definition of any personality disorder (i am not a psychiatrist so don't quote me on this) but i personally don't think it's healthy at all to not be attrackted to either sex whichever you prefer that is. Just my opinion there

MDMA + Talk with your mum (and or doctor) = Possible positive outcome.

MDMA+bipolar disorder often spells disaster as well. I think it is very bad advice to tell anyone with bipolar disorder to take MDMA especially if they suffer from psychotic symptoms as well. In fact i think it is very dangerous advice to say the least. I would never recomend that anyone who suffers from bipolar disorder to take MDMA because that drug can make even the most drearily sane people act very moody.

 

[LuckyStriker]

Are you honest with your doctor about just how bad your manic and psychotic episodes get? Alot of people understate just how bad it is and i do this sometimes too even though you could tell by looking at me that i had probably not slept in 3 or 4 days and was manic as hell.

I have bipolar disorder with some psychotic features and i am currently on lamotrigine, bupropion, clonazepam and risperidone. This cocktail helps alot but i still get depressed and manic so it's not under control completerly. Though my life is a hell of alot better then what it was before i went on meds that is for sure.

What recreational drugs do you take if any? Alot of rec drugs especially stimulants of any sort make bipolar much worse and can mimic mania themselves. So if you do take any rec drugs i would suggest stopping them altogether atleast until you get stabilized for a good long time.



PTSD is not a personality disorder and it is most certainly not a bullshit diagnoses. I know more then a few that suffer from it and it is indeed very hard to live with. If you have had traumatic experiences i would strongly suggest taking to your doctor about them. As for the whole sex thing i don't think that fits the definition of any personality disorder (i am not a psychiatrist so don't quote me on this) but i personally don't think it's healthy at all to not be attrackted to either sex whichever you prefer that is. Just my opinion there



MDMA+bipolar disorder often spells disaster as well. I think it is very bad advice to tell anyone with bipolar disorder to take MDMA especially if they suffer from psychotic symptoms as well. In fact i think it is very dangerous advice to say the least. I would never recomend that anyone who suffers from bipolar disorder to take MDMA because that drug can make even the most drearily sane people act very moody.

Yes, I have told him as much as I could and what I am capable of. I have severe problems with expressing myself and describing things in a manner that people can understand and I always miss important details... My voice is emotionless so people have a hard time understanding how bad it is.

Like I sad... I still do drugs because of how chaotic my life looks atm. Ive lost any kind of hope for a positive outcome for my life... I do amphetamines mostly. Ive also been dosing lots of GBL and am in the process of tapering, but it is working quite well. So far. It's a really bad idea I know, but why do you think so many people like us do them? My willpower is not strong and my impulsive behaviour doesnt make me think twice about it.

I dont have any interest in sex but what to do about it? Its too deep rooted in my brain so be able to fix. But I still masturbate to my fetishes like a monster so I think that compensates. Do you even believe I have the ability to get a girl having sex with me? I lack social skills besides am sick in the head. Even making a friend is impossible.

I didnt mean that PTSD is nothing serious, I meant that theres no point diagnosing it as the success rate of treating is is as small as getting rid of stage 3 cancer.

MDMA + Talk with your mum (and or doctor) = Possible positive outcome.

EDIT: Sorry man I never understood your suggestion correctly. You seem to have got my point, that the problem is I never manage to speak from my heart and my mental condition is hardly receptive to what other people suggest about life, neither very interested. I may actually think about trying this, but I may get a worser comedown than people without BPD. BUt fuck that, it may be the only option I have atm.

 

[LuckyStriker]

Bah, please forgive my hostiltiy towards you guys. I know that how I act like right now is never gonna get people listen to me, that is why I lost all my friends in the first place.

rickolasnice I edited my previous post, I didnt really get what you meant by taking mdma.

 

[Onandoff]

Maybe he meant using mdma to interact with your friends, family or other peopl temporarily which could develop a new good relationship again to start. MDMA does that for me but I would only use it as once in a while therapy if it was for that purpose.

 

[LuckyStriker]

Maybe he meant using mdma to interact with your friends, family or other peopl temporarily which could develop a new good relationship again to start. MDMA does that for me but I would only use it as once in a while therapy if it was for that purpose.

They were never any real friends, just spotted weakness in me and manipulated me for all these years. Im breaking contact with them all together and have made up my mind to never see them again.

Ive decided to start my antipsychotics + lithium and will get my blood levels checked next week, then increase the dosage to a therapeutical level. Recreationally, I hope my drug usage will drop to 0 in the end with the help of these tools. Racing thoughts are already starting to subside and I can relax without controlling my breath. I really underestimated the power of haldol in acute phases.

 

[Lolie]

They were never any real friends, just spotted weakness in me and manipulated me for all these years. Im breaking contact with them all together and have made up my mind to never see them again.

Ive decided to start my antipsychotics + lithium and will get my blood levels checked next week, then increase the dosage to a therapeutical level. Recreationally, I hope my drug usage will drop to 0 in the end with the help of these tools. Racing thoughts are already starting to subside and I can relax without controlling my breath. I really underestimated the power of haldol in acute phases.

Haldol tends to be overkill for maintenance medication but it's an extremely useful for stopping acute psychosis in its tracks, as is Thorazine. Once your moods are more stable it's a hell of a lot easier to look at what behavioural changes you need to make in order to be more content.

 

[LuckyStriker]

Dude, this is the dark side. If I wanted help with medication then I wouldve taken it up in in a different section.

And trust me, my doc is not like others. Half assed or lousy. He knows a lot about my condition and realises I am half crazy that can only be fit in his own category. Ill rely on his suggestions about meds.

 

[UpdownUP]

If someone tried telling me when I was going through my worst, that it'll get better, I would of told them to fuck off....but I can assure you it will.

I lost all my friends too, they didn't know I had Bi-Polar and so didn't cut any slack, even now a few years after things where really bad, I still have problems making friends and certainly maintaining them... "why should I call them, I'd drop everything if they needed me, but they won't even come for a beer when I need them" etc.
There's nothing you can do except cling to what you love, I was lucky in that I still had/have my wife, you have your mother and although it might sometimes feel that you are better off alone, trying to push away the last thing you have left, but believe me when I say that, when you're life does start picking up you'll regret doing it.

RE pills, The Lithium worked well for me at the start but it caused quite a few extra issues, they kept upping me until they where over the max dose, and then swapped me to Epilum, worked a treat...
Looking back the trigger for things coming right for me, was the switch of actual anti-depressants, I'd been on sooo many different types, but when they switched me to Doxepin (it's tryciclic) Things started to become better..with a few benzo's to help with the anxiety...

Get some focus in your life, move to a new house, start studying, do something to make the days have an end to them...

You always have Bi-Polar, everyday, but with the right meds, and more importantly the right frame of mind, you won't even notice...infact it can really help all through your life, being able to tap into my mania here and there, makes great for all sorts lol!

It's like giving up the drugs, unless you are in the right frame of mind, it's pointless even trying, you just have to keep on keeping on, just ride the episodes, walk into them like an acid trip, you know it'll stop soon, there's little you can do but go with it.

Good luck, and if you are strong inside, which I have no doubt you are, then I promise, that one day soon, you will wake up one day and say, 'hey you know what, I got this shit'..........

 

[rollingstoned!]

If you do decide to use MDMA, make sure you abstain from the lithium until it is completely out of your system.

 

[unsettled]

I just wanted to echo UpDownUP's post, I think that things will get better for you in time. It sounds like your childhood was difficult and you may or may not need to focus on resolving some of those issues.

I do know that a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder find a certain balance in their lives and live happily. I recently watched a documentary about it and all the adults in it said if they had a choice to be cured of bipolar disorder or remain bipolar all of them said they wouldn't want to live their life any other way and were thankful for their "disorder".

Obviously I could never pretend to know what you go through everyday but I think in time some of your issues will resolve themselves, some of what you described is just part of growing up. Some people are Asexual and have no desire for sex, there is nothing wrong with this, but it sounds like you do have a desire for sex but are afraid you won't find anyone to have sex with you? If you want to have sex chances are you will. Social skills take practice even for normal people, so don't get too down on yourself about that because it's something you can work on.

I too get annoyed by most of the things you mentioned, especially when I'm in a bad mood, or haven't taken my meds or slept enough..etc..so I can relate to getting angry over bad grammar or people who are nice but in a way that's so false it's disgusting. I went through a depression where I lost a lot of friends because they just didn't understand what I was going through, not everybody is going to understand you no matter who you are, but there ARE people who WILL understand you. You can make new friends.

Many people are afraid of any kind of mental illness because they don't understand it, that's just the way it is, I could never in a million years expect people to understand anxiety and depression unless they've been through it themselves so I don't let it bother me when people think I'm just plain crazy. You need to choose your battles, there is no need to try and get everyone to like you in my opinion, it's a waste of energy. Stay close to the people you love and try to find things you love to do and focus on these things.

Getting your meds adjusted could make all the difference in the world, I had a schizophrenic aunt who was a complete wreck until she got put on the right meds. I have a couple bipolar friends who seem to have normal lives, until they go off their meds that is...

I don't know alot about bipolar disorder personally, although my psychiatrist thinks I may have a mild bipolar disorder and suggested I try a low dose of a mood stabilizer, my moods are definitely extreme but not enough for a formal diagnosis of bipolar, at least not yet.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to work through your current problems and find some happiness. I really believe you will feel better in time.

 

[Lord]

I can relate to pretty much everything you've said. Although I hated everyone, both my parents, all of my friends, all of society, and myself included most of the time. I remember a time when I was having constant headaches when I thought about life (everything about it was bad) and I couldn't keep myself from thinking about life and my past. I was always thinking about how humans were in such a tiny emotional and cultural corner and trapped in themselves, and how much empathy they really had (almost none).

However sometimes I felt like I couldn't relate to anything. I got it in my mind that life was a cruel joke and I was actually hallucinating all of life in a tiny metaphysical prison cell. Then I started thinking about homicide and suicide constantly and I just didn't care about life anymore, to me life was like a dreamy and cartoony nightmare. Be careful with all drugs, recreational or medicinal. They are crude tools of which not enough is known.

 

[LuckyStriker]

The last replies made me cheer up a bit by reminding me that without hope, the chance of fixing my situation turns 0.

But I just need to add one last thing, sorry. Been trying to reject the likely fact I am a malignant narcissist, but this may be the case. I have never felt any kind of sympathy for other people, always try to sound like a smartass, always lookin for attention and most importantly, have a grandious sense of self. Combine that with my extreme paranoia, sadomachistic and sadistic traits. We dont only have the classic narcissistic personality disorder but the malignant form.

So I have realised. The only way I can change this is to learn becoming a positive thinker, and be happy about what I have received. But I gotta wave my hand to empaty, it is something you are either born with or not. Im leaving this place, roaming around here will not change anything. I must take action before it gets too hard to fix my well-being. Fuck if meds are heavy on my body, Id rather become better than living a longer life. I can at least have minimal to moderate compensation with exercise.

Hope is what I need the most atm.

 

[UpdownUP]

Not hope, belief...in that you can do it...

A narcissist will not be able to recognize that they are one...And with Bi-Polar there are elements of it in all of us...empathy can be learnt, and as unsettled says, there will almost certainly be dark areas of your past, that you are fully aware of but see them as - 'it's not that bad geez' but it is....Trying to deal with them atm is probably not the best idea, but you will need to confront them later in life...

I went through so many different things, all of which had a simple answer, but at the time it was terrible...for example, I wondered why my sex drive was so dormant, I went through all these over blown thoughts about being gay, when all it was, was my fucking meds telling my swimmers to have the week off..
We blow Everything out of proportion, it's what we do....there is no, oh it's this...it's all or nothing, only a labotomy will change that, but knowing it makes the difference...

I look at Bi-Polar like color blindness, we look at something and see it slightly differently, but red or blue, it is what it is

You'll be ok man, just ride it out, you're on a really bad trip and it's going to wear off in time!