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Dopeheads: How do you feel before you go cop? Anxious, relieved, tense, guilty, etc?

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Khadijah

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Just a lil PSA before we start the thread--"Coppin dope" dont just mean "getting" dope in general-- it refers to specifically gettin your dope off the street, in "the hood." If you are gettin your dope from a friend who brings it to your job/school/house, or you meet up with your dealer in a parking lot in your suburban town or w/ever, then you might not really relate much to this thread, since its about the specific risks that you take when you COP dope. Nobodys sayin you cant reply if you want to , but just that alot of the shit in here might not be relevant to you if you dont cop your dope.

Anyways, This thread is about one thing in general, but theres 2 questions.

The first one: The thread is basically askin about how do you feel before you go to cop? Not physically but mentally. Like: are you just relieved that you can finally go get your dope? or do you feel a lil cautious, like "this could be the day that i get locked up"? Do you usually feel like it aint no thing, and really not think nothing of it and just do it and not feel stress at all, or do you always hear that voice in the back of your head like "you know, you really never know if you gonna make it out or not, today could be the day you wish you stayed home"? Im sure some of yall know that feeling I am talkin about.

So I would like to hear about yall and how your feelings usually are when you are on your way to cop. Are you excited? Are you just chillin like it aint nothing, or are you feeling guilty, thinkin about your family that you left at home, and how if they knew wat you were doin they would be heartbroken? Are you feelin totally focused on the fact that you about to get some dope so everythings all good? Do you feel paranoid, maybe a lil bit scared even tho you done it a million times, becuz you just cant afford to get popped again? Do you hear that little voice in the back of your head sayin "'wat if todays the day that you get arrested (again)?" And so on.....

The second question is also about those feelings....Did you ever have a "bad feeling"...a strong, overwhelming, "somethin bad is gonna go down", unshakeable premonition kinda feeling before u went to cop? And did it turn out to be right or wrong?

I think we all feel a lil cautious sometimes especially people who got a record and/or are on probation/parole, etc. we all get a lil bit of that slight uneasyness sometimes, I think, its only natural if you got a lot to lose especially. But I dont mean a little bit of apprehension or a quick "maybe you shouldnt be doin this" thought that passes thru your mind. im talkin about a serious, STRONG as hell feeling like "Dont do it, this is bad, Im serious, Im tellin you, DONT DO IT!!!" When your brain and everything is just screaming at you "this is a bad idea!!" and you just cant shake the feeling no matter how many times you tell yourself that you just bein paranoid, but the feeling is just there WEIGHING DOWN on you sooo strong the whole time, and you almost feel like you are marching towards your doom...Anybody caught that feeling before on the way to cop? did you ignore it, or did you listen to it?

If you ignored it, did shit end up OK? or did you end up wishin that you had stayed home? So tell us the story of how it happened for you? If you ever had a premonition like that, a bad feeling, and listened or didnt listen to it, and wat happened as a result? And did it affect the way you copped in the future? If you ignored your bad feeling and went anyways and somethin went down, did you start to listen to your gut after that and avoid copping when you caught a real bad feeling about it, or did you just think that it was a random coincidence? Did it affect your feelings towards copping, like did you end up having that cautious voice in your head where before you were never scared now you always think "wat if today is the day?" Etc.

so, I hope that yall will post your stories about this. I would love to hear the shit that goes thru other ppls heads when they are about to go cop. For me there has always been alot of mixed feelings and Im curious to see how everybody elses mind works too. And , I have definately had a few experiences with "the bad feeling", and ended up in some trouble for ignoring it, so I cant wait to hear about yalls experiences with that. So...nuff said...Post away yall hope to see lots of replies:)
 
Back when i was still using H i would often feel both relieved, and very anxious on my way to get dope. A lot of the time i would be in withdrawal, and honestly on the way there i would start to feel slightly better just knowing i was about to feel much better. As soon as a got on the highway i would know relief was on the way. Sometimes I'd get a little paranoid, especially after i got pulled over at 3 in the morning by the cops one night. I had 8 bags of dope on me but they let me go. I was lucky, but after that i was pretty paranoid because i knew if something like that happened again i would end up in jail. Anyway, the whole experience of heading to the bad side of town to pick up some dope was always kind of a rush for me. It was always an interesting experience and i think part of the reason why i got addicted was because i actually enjoyed goin to the city, as weird as that may sound.
 
When I was using half the fun was driving to go cop. I was addicted to scoring , gave me an adrenaline rush driving to the ghetto and making it out with my drugs.

I planned everything out that I needed to do like it was some kind of mission / battle plan.

Things would only get screwed up or I'd feel anxious / shitty if I was going to score and was really dopesick and hadn't used anything yet.
 
Prior to ever getting arrested, copping in the hood was exponentially more easy and and way less fucking stressful than it is now. I mean, since the first time ever going and copping on the west side of Chicago, it's always been an extremely risky and sketchy thing, (as far as law enforcement/narcs go) and I've always been on my toes while copping, but before I started getting arrested and had numerous run ins with the cops I was kind of naive to just how fucking easy it is to get stopped out there just because of the color my skin. Foreal, they don't have to see you doing JACK SHIT out there. They don't got to have no "suspicious behaviour" or probable cause or none of that shit, they will straight up stop your ass just because they can. It's always a crap shoot. I didn't realize just how fucking thristy the pigs are out there either. I used to kind have this attitude like "Oh, it can't happen to me." I thought my ass was invincible. Like most fiends, the routine of copping can be just as exciting and addictive as the dope itself. I know for me it was. But after I started endin up in jail, gettin on probation, gettin stopped over and over just for bein white...etc, it just became so god damn stressful that after a while it just don't seem as worth it anymore. I still do it from time to time, but not as much as I used to. And there are areas that I straight up won't even go to anymore because I know how hot they are.

Now whenever I go, I straight up think to myself, damn theres a good chance I might be sleeping in jail tonight. Or how are my people going to react when I have to call em and let em know that I got arrested again all because of this stupid addiction. Didn't I ever learn anything from all the other bullshit that's happened? My nerves straight up can't handle it sometimes. I'm always getting sick to my stomach and shit, always got my eyes WIDE open looking for any squads cars, unmarked ect. and I'm just counting down the seconds to getting back on that expressway to safety ya know what I'm saying? Such a sweet relief getting in, grabbing your shit, and getting out without any problems.

I know a lot of kids that are fairly new to copping and the game and they don't really realize just how big of a risk it is going out there. They seem almost ignorant to the fact that if they keep doing it, they will eventually get stopped/arrested out there, and I gurantee that. A lot of people think they ain't ever gonna get caught up, but they're in for a rude awakening.

Lacey you pretty much summed up exactly how I feel in your first post though.
 
For me i had to go to this very questionable house where i wasn't 100% sure of my safety..

Mentally i felt insanely anxious, constant what if thoughts flowing through my mind. Then i'd start thinking what i'd do if danger did present itself. The main feeling is anxiety/fear. Fear for my safety and of the police.

The feeling of getting home safe with heroin safely in my possession was an amazing relief...

It's so weird though dispite how hellish and unnerving every time going to score may be, we're always motivated enough to put ourselves through it.
 
Excited, scared, anxious, happy to be getting some, just about every emotion possible. I would try to block them all out and focus on the task at hand. When I was using, it was extremely dangerous going 2 cop. I would feel excited and anxious until I turned off into the hood where I'd feel cautious and paranoid. I tried to shut my mind off, stop thinking about the reality of the situation. I tried to play it off cool as if nothing was wrong bc u have to in that situation. I was in complete denial about just how dangerous going to cop really was. It doesnt matter who u roll with, who you know, or anything else because theres always going to b other ppl or gangs who want to hurt the ppl ur around out there, locals who know exactly why ur there n want u outta their town, other addicts who may be desperate enough that day to try n rob u. the ghetto has a lot of poverty n there are some ppl who dont care about taking ur money phone n w.e else u got on u, there r discusting guys who see strung out sick girls walking around who look weak and they try to take advantage. Worst of all, you never know where the cops might pop out of. They discguise themselves, some cities now have cameras on the lights so they can see ur car roll in. They know why ur there, city cops deal w so much shit that they r not going to go easy on you, in their eyes you're a criminal and theyre just waiting for a chance to lock you away. The people you go down with, you might think theyre ur friend but there r so many unloyal ppl who would throw ur ass under the bus first chance they got to get out of trouble. Also ur drug dealer @ the set is not ur friend, friends dont sell friends dope and works. You may be cool, joke around shoot the shit but when it comes down to it theyre making a profit off your disease that left untreated will kill you. Theyre not doing you a favor by selling you shit or meeting u closer whatever u want to rationalize bc at the end of the day, week, month, year, theyre going home with your hard earned money while ur going home ruining ur life trying to chase that first high. Dont think just because your not white that ur going to blend in. Many cops, especially in smaller cities, kno the ppl out there n kno them well. They dont need a reason to pull you over or stop and search you. Just being in a high crime area justifies the police being able to have probable cause, it upholds in court. When ur on drugs u cant think clearly, not being able to think clearly in a dangerous situation is asking for trouble. If youre hooked youre going to keep going back and ur chance of getting in trouble increases each time. I used to think it was fun and laugh with my friends when we first started going down, feeling like we were so badass and thinking we accomplished somehting when we left. Years later, didnt even take that long, when i was driving there on a daily basis bc i had to it was not fun, it was routine, and that in itself was extremely depressing.
 
Ima answer my own question now, the part about if you ever got a bad premonition type feeling before you went to cop. The 3rd time I got arrested it went like this. The whole ride to paterson I was feelin just a lil uneasy like somethin wasnt right but i dismissed that as bein the usual paranoia. We usually copped in the afternoon around lunch time or earlier, and I know alot of the UC cars that the Paterson TNT uses so i could spot them during the day. but at night its mad hard to see whose watchin you or if one of the cars parked a block behind you is a narc. Becuz of that i wasnt happy that we were coppin after dark so i was already on edge kinda. It got worse when I bleeped my dude when we were like 5 min away and he said dont come up, its hot up here they raidin, give me 15 minutes. After 15 minutes he was like na they still up here gimme 20 minutes. So we bounced from Paterson since we didnt wanna be sittin in a parkin lot on route 20 for too long and blow up the spot. We hopped over the bridge to Fair Lawn a nice upper class suburb next door to paterson and went to a dunkin donunts there to kill some time.

By that time i was like yo, this is takin forever, why dont we just bail, we aint sick right now we had dope all day and we can just go home and scrape out our like 400 empty bags and each get a decent shot enough to stay well all night, and we can just come back in the mornin when it cools off. But my man was like hey we already here I didnt come here to go home empty handed. And then my dude finally chirped me back after waitin a hour n a half and said it was good to come thru so that ended that conversation.

so we went, copped our shit and it was all good....And i was like aight, maybe my bad feeling was wrong and i was just bein stupid....So when my man said we should stop in Dunkin Donuts and do a shot , instead of bein my usual paranoid self I was like eh, well i was paranoid all night and nothin bad happened so I guess its fine. Usually i would be the shot nazi, like no we cant do it here, we cant do it there, no, we AINT doing it here, we are waitin til theres somewhere safe to do it, etc. But for some dumbass reason that night i was just like hey maybe we shouldnt do it here, mad cops gets their coffee here...but then when he was like come on lets just do it, i went along with it. And since he couldnt hit his veins on his own becuz they were so fucked up, he needed me to do it for him so I booted him up right there IN THE CAR not even in the bathroom. :| (so stupid.) Anyways , heres a lil pic of the layout of the highway and where we were parked at i marked out the DnD and the gas station across the street.

rt20cutout.jpg


after his shot, i was just about to get mine ready. i had the dope in my lap just sittin on top of my open purse for a second...and right then, a car pulled up behind us and in a second of complete, total "Oh FUCKKKK!!!" I realized it was a state police cruiser. And the cop comes up to the window askin wat we are doin here etc. And i was just like oh, fuck me. i knew that was it that there was nooo fucking way outta this one becuz i hadnt even had a chance to put away the dope or nothing, and i was just kickin myself like yo, I KNEW somethin was wrong tonight, I KNEW we shoulda just went straight home and not got high here, i knew it i knew it i knew it. he told me to put my hands on the dashboard and not move, and when he looked away for a second I tried to hide the dope real quick and of course he saw it and that was a wrap on that he saw the brick right away.

Turns out , he had been sittin in the Exxon gas station that i marked in the pic, and had been watchin from across the highway the whole time cuz he said he saw us parked there with the interior light on and it was "suspicious". 8) Anyways, I spent the rest of that night so fuckin pissed at myself. becuz i KNEW somethin was wrong, I knew somethin bad was gonna happen. And i had had a chance to jus say fuck it and go home. And I didnt take it.

The whole time in that police station, I was just thinkin about how right now I could be at home, with a decent size shot enough to keep me good all night, driftin off to sleep, ready to wake up in the morning and go grab a nice brick to start off the day. But no, i just HAD to get my dope right then, and couldnt wait, and even tho my whole existence was SCREAMING at me not to do it, I still did anyways. It makes it so much worse when you knew somethin bad was gonna go down and you do it anways becuz its like you had a chance to avoid that shit but you didnt take it, so its totally your own fault.


Anyways the story aint such a bad end, the stateys didnt take the car they left it parked in D and D so when we got ROR'ed, we caught a cab back to the car and then went back up to the spot and copped anouther 3 bundles. And best believe we waited til we got home to get high that time. :|
 
Wow Lacey that sucks. But I def know what you're talking about. I've been in a situation before where I KNEW something was about to happen, had all the warning signs pointing right the fuck at me, and I still let my addiction decide to go ahead anyway and do what I had to do and I got arrested for it.

One of my friends called me up just to see if I planned to cop at all that day, see if I wanted to meet up real quick so he could give me this vial of Narcan that he said he would give me. I told him that I was broke and sick and that'd I'd just be chillin at the crib all day unless I found a way to come up on some loot.

Being a good dude, and knowing how bad it sucks being sick, he said if I wanted to meet up with him he could throw me and my girl a couple bags each just to get off sick and we can get him back some other time. I was psyched, and ofcourse accepted the offer. He wanted to meet at some rest stop/oasis a safe distance away from the hood which would've been great, but it was too far away and I was short on gas. So I told him to meet me in the parking lot of a Target that was right off the express way and just miles away from the hood. Now, my girlfriend used to work at Target and she knows first hand how insanely high tech and sophisticated their security system is, with cameras that can zoom in and see a bar code on a product, inside and outside of the store. I also know someone else who's been arrested in a Target parking lot.

Being the stupid fiends that we are, we decide to just go through with it anyway. We get to the Target and park a safe distance away from the store. After sitting there for 5-10 minutes something just does not feel right to me. It seems really busy and the parking lot just seems way too out in the open and I feel like I'm being watched. My friend calls and says he'll be there shortly and I just go along with it. Shortly after I see a tinted out chevy tahoe that just does not look right to me, driving a cross the parking lot. Everything about this car just looked suspicious to me. Front tints made it so I couldn't scope out what the driver looked like, but I just assumed it was some black dude with a nice ass truck. But I even said to my girl "that car looks like a narc car to me" and then I said, "I'm just being paranoid, fuck it". The tahoe leaves the parking lot and everything appears to be fine. My friend gets there soon, after I hop in his car, he gives me 5 bags, a couple rigs, and a vial of narcan. I quickly hop back in my car, pocket the shit and pull off. Everything seems to be right in the world now that I got the dope in my hand. I automatically feel relieved and think that soon I'll have some dope flowing through my veins and sitting safe and sound at home.

Me and my girl were sick already, so we automatically thought about the safest /closest place to go fix at. But before we fix, we needed to buy a bottle of water. So right after we get out of the Target parking lot, we go across the street to a gas station to get some water. Right as we pull into the parking spot at the gas station, I park, take off my seatbelt, and look into my rear view mirror and see two giant unmarked SUVS behind me with their cherries and berries and my stomach just fucking DROPS. Same fucking car I saw in the target parking lot that I told my girl looked like it was a narc. I'm like FUUUUCK and I know right away my ass is going to jail, gonna be sick as fuck. I had no fucking time to stash anything anywhere, and I knew my ass was being searched and the dope was just sitting right in my pocket. The pigs fucking jumped out of the car, guns drawn, screaming at the tops of their lungs. I get out and they cuff my ass and search me. Finds all the shit, and I end up in jail.

Apparently the SUV that I was suspicious of at the Target was indeed an unmarked police officer, and they pretty much saw the entire thing go down. Saw me get out of the car, do a quick hand to hand in my friends car, and drive off. They said that particular parking lot is fucking filled with drug activity/drug deals and they pop 5-10 people a week there without even trying. That night was the sickest I'd ever been I spent it in jail. Fucking shitting/puking/dry heaving all night and it was a complete nightmare. Learned the hard way, but now I definitely know to follow my instincts more.
 
I'm usually relieved at first, but then once i actually get there to cope i'm nervous as hell, especially right after i got busted. Or if my guy has me waiting around for hours i get soo fucking nervous on top of being mad as hell and they always seem to do that when your sick as fuck don't they so all the anxiety and shit is 10x worse.

But the day i got arrested i was totally cool, not nervous at all i thought we were fine and then all of a sudden theres a cop car following me, even then i was calm as hell thinkin that i wasn't breaking any laws so the couldn't pull me over. After folloing me for like 5 miles, he finally pulled me over for "tailgating" which i wasn't doing. Then he had me out of the car as soon as he pulled me over and within 3 minutes there were 4 other cop cars there and they were questioning me and the girl i was with Seperatly, and the little bitch told them what was in the car and that it was mine.

Now that i realize that u don't actually have any rights i'm nervous as hell. some times i get totally freaked out that i'm gonna get arrested that day, but so far it hasn't happened when i thought it would. It would be nice if my paranoia could actually predict the future though, but then i guess i would be getting in trouble a lot more often so maybe not:/
 
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i wasnt getting diesel, i got my pack i was feeling carefree, the little voice; my subconscious told me to stick the pack down my pants, i ignored it reasoning to myself done this a bunch of times, and just pocketed my shit
as i got near the subway station i see this man, in a norte dame jersey i think this guy gotta be narco , he comes up on me quickfast, and was like whats in your pocket, ?

uhhhh fuck ... but it was allright, the computers were down, i spent the night in central booking ... all charges dropped the next day,

after that i had the jitterz everytime i went to that part of nyc to score,



when i was going wild with the diesel i didnt think about it all that much, i dont know , i felt like i was doing nothing wrong, just driving thru the hood, the only times i got anxious was when the man wouldnt pick up his phone, but after reading ya'lls stories and shit, if i ever go and try to cop shit , im sure i wont be so relaxed
 
I 90% of the time feel great going to cop heroin. My dopesickness will drop off, my cig will taste better, the music sounds better...I'm on a fucking mission. Sure at first it scared the piss outa me but after 2x a day every day for a few months it wasn't any thing. As much as I was the goofy white boy I knew no one would fuck with me (I was steady business) and police were few and far between.

Considering how much I copped, getting fucked with by police was like a 1 in 365 shot...and that's nothing when your
sick. Although when entering 'the hood' I'd always pray to the "jesus saves" billboard that I wouldn't get busted and this time was my "last time". lol and I'm not christian.

The only time I second guessed my mission is when I did something shady to cop (like rob or rip off someone) or when I was high on cannabis.

And the feeling of doing my shot on the out skirt of the ghetto plus the serious buzz of not getting busted was fucking priceless. Then lighting up the cig and jamming music was 1000x better than the feeling of going to cop.

Fuck I'm breathing heavy just typing about it...not to glamorize it tho, there were plenty of times I did shady shit to cop and then it was too early/late and the dope boys were re-upping...or it was super hot with cops and I thought to myself "really dude? This is your life now?"

Unfortunately those lows only made the high higher.
 
Georgie25 said:
When I was using half the fun was driving to go cop. I was addicted to scoring , gave me an adrenaline rush driving to the ghetto and making it out with my drugs.

I planned everything out that I needed to do like it was some kind of mission / battle plan.

Things would only get screwed up or I'd feel anxious / shitty if I was going to score and was really dopesick and hadn't used anything yet.
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i relate to this post 100%
 
dankstersauce said:
I 90% of the time feel great going to cop heroin. My dopesickness will drop off, my cig will taste better, the music sounds better...I'm on a fucking mission. Sure at first it scared the piss outa me but after 2x a day every day for a few months it wasn't any thing. As much as I was the goofy white boy I knew no one would fuck with me (I was steady business) and police were few and far between.

Considering how much I copped, getting fucked with by police was like a 1 in 365 shot...and that's nothing when your
sick. Although when entering 'the hood' I'd always pray to the "jesus saves" billboard that I wouldn't get busted and this time was my "last time". lol and I'm not christian.

The only time I second guessed my mission is when I did something shady to cop (like rob or rip off someone) or when I was high on cannabis.

And the feeling of doing my shot on the out skirt of the ghetto plus the serious buzz of not getting busted was fucking priceless. Then lighting up the cig and jamming music was 1000x better than the feeling of going to cop.

Fuck I'm breathing heavy just typing about it...not to glamorize it tho, there were plenty of times I did shady shit to cop and then it was too early/late and the dope boys were re-upping...or it was super hot with cops and I thought to myself "really dude? This is your life now?"

Unfortunately those lows only made the high higher.
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hahaha, you know wat? youre right about one thing that when you do somethin shady to get your money to go cop it always makes you more paranoid.

When i would have money, just cashed my unemployment check and shit, Id be all ready to go. The times that I did somethin like use my YOUNGER sisters credit card (who paid her own bills mean while i was 21 and stealin from her:( ) to buy like 200 dollars worth of boost minutes and then sell them for 100 bucks , etc...I would always feel way more sketch about shit. like somehow i was more likely to get pulled over or some dumb shit like that even tho it was really just guilt I guess.

I guess becuz its a extra complication and i hated those. When you gotta do this that and the third before you can even go cop. Gotta go cash some shady check, gotta go return shit to the store and get cash back, ...but when it aint just a complication but also a shitty thing you are doin that complicates your run, when you gotta go scam some people first etc....it makes it that much worse and you feel like that much more shit when you go to cop...i think its ur conscience reamin u out the whole time....
 
lacey k said:
hahaha, you know wat? youre right about one thing that when you do somethin shady to get your money to go cop it always makes you more paranoid.

When i would have money, just cashed my unemployment check and shit, Id be all ready to go. The times that I did somethin like use my YOUNGER sisters credit card (who paid her own bills mean while i was 21 and stealin from her:( ) to buy like 200 dollars worth of boost minutes and then sell them for 100 bucks , etc...I would always feel way more sketch about shit. like somehow i was more likely to get pulled over or some dumb shit like that even tho it was really just guilt I guess.

I guess becuz its a extra complication and i hated those. When you gotta do this that and the third before you can even go cop. Gotta go cash some shady check, gotta go return shit to the store and get cash back, ...but when it aint just a complication but also a shitty thing you are doin that complicates your run, when you gotta go scam some people first etc....it makes it that much worse and you feel like that much more shit when you go to cop...i think its ur conscience reamin u out the whole time....
Click to expand...

I actually got busted the same night i did somethin shady to get money. I guess it was karma, but the cops let me go, didn't take me money, and didn't see the loaded needle i had in the car. When they let me go i still got to do a hit! I did lose all the other dope i had though
 
Hell i actually feel anxious going to the damn Dr haha. but when i go to get anything its not really a problem go to my friends house do the deal chat a minute then head out. No shady shit really unless its not my usual connect.
 
Have you ever copped dope or anything on the street? You know...go to "the hood" with a mission....feelin like you are in a video game, gotta avoid the bad guys (cops) and secure the target (your dope) and then get out safely without gettin noticed....When i was on dope i used to really fuckin envy the folks who just buy their shit from a friend , who only gotta stop by their boys house, or who can just do a meet up in mcdonalds parkin lot or some shit like that. I guess some folks think that the meetin in public places is shady but when you used to coppin ur shit in the projects or off the block with all the risks that comes with that, the idea of just meetin up in a best buy parkin lot in some nice suburb that aint got like 30 undercover narcotix taskforce officers constantly patrolling everydamnwhere and watching everywhere you go....shit sounds pretty damn chill to just do a quick parkin lot meetup instead of coppin everyday.

LIke i said tho...I really think that this thread prolly aint gonna be all that relevant to folks who dont cop becuz all the issues that comes with it and the reasons you would feel paranoid worried scared guilty etc, are all pretty specific to coppin. when i wasnt dealin with all that i never felt nothing but relaxed. only when i went to cop i would start catchin those negative feelings.
 
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when im buying weed, pills, heroin, i dont get nervous. the only time i get really freaked out is when im going to buy meth. "and you almost feel like you are marching towards your doom." what you said there lacey, is how i feel. like everytime i go get drugs, im always thinking about the cops and jail. i feel so shady and the worst anxiety ever. when im driving in the car to meet the dealer, my heart is beating fast, im shaky as fuck all over my body...after getting arrested and going to jail, things changed. i am really paraniod now and i dunno things with the drug world arent what they used to be. i used to not be scared at all about getting caught. smoking while driving, the pipe in my hands, didnt give a fuck who saw me. i did alot of drugs in my car actually. it used to be FUN getting the drugs and going on that mission, but its not like that anymore for me...
 
you know the thing I really used to hate. Was goin out to cop this time of year...the christmas tree would be up, christmas lights on....my moms would be layin on the couch with our cats, watchin TV lookin so calm and peaceful...the whole fam just chillin together all happy....And she would be like "oh, u goin out? where u goin"? and id make somethin up and shed joke with me a lil bit like "oh...aight....fine, i guess youd rather go out than stay here with me huh....but you know if you stay ill cook you somethin good for dinner?" and shit like that , not tryna make me feel bad or nothin but she always was like that cuz i was never home....and i would be gettin dressed ready to go out the door and go cop, and just be thinking damn i am leavin THIS behind....I am so lucky, to have a family that loves me, to be that blessed, and if only they knew wat i was up to, i couldnt bear to think about it. And goin out into the night, to go spend some money that I got from some kinda shady thing or other, to go buy heroin and risk all the shit with the cops and gettin arrested, and then go shoot up stickin needles in my arm in some grimey ass bathroom on a highway somwhere....

And jus bein like damn...why i cant just be normal. why i go out to go do this shit. It was such a contrast of bein inside, warm with my fam, all together like that, to bein out there cold and alone walking up the block to the bodega to meet my dopeman on the corner... Like shit, i could just stay home and be together with the family that im so lucky to have and instead i risk all that and their happiness too if somethin happened to me, and go do this stupid shit night after night....how if my mom could see me, she would just cry and cry....knowing that, it always got to me big time. I was a junkie blessed and cursed with a serious conscience...it makes it much harder to be a dopehead let me tell u.

So i always would feel a lil extra guilty on my way to go cop around this time of year--once i got on the road it wasnt so bad, but the part of actually leaving my house, of walkin out the front door and leavin that shit behind...Of sayin goodbye to my moms like i was just goin over my mans house to chill but secretly knowing that hey i better make sure I give her a hug before I go and really mean it, cuz who knows if ima end up in a cell tonight...and even if i manage to make it out the hood without gettin busted, i could always OD and die in some gas station bathroom somewhere...this could be the last time she sees me ever....who knows wat will happen to me, really?...That was the really hard part..And all that shit would just be runnin thru my head.

Sometimes it was just so hard to take that step out the door and close it behind me. That guilt alone was enough to make me feel paranoid sometimes, like i just felt like i was so stupid and selfish for turnin my back on a nice night in with my family and rejecting all those blessings for the cold streets of paterson and a bundle of little wax paper bags and a needle, that it turned into this idea that i was totally gonna end up gettin punished for it, for not appreciating my blessings, for takin my fam for granted, for leavin em behind night after night to go get high when they woulda loved nothin more than for me to just spend just one night eatin dinner together and chillin at home with them. i felt this paranoia that i would get popped and spend the night in a shitty, dirty, stank ass, loud crowded jail cell in passaic county jail to teach me a lesson, so god/fate/whoever could be like "yea, i bet you wish you had stayed home and appreciated that nice warm bed you got now! i bet now chillin with your fam dont sound so bad after all, does it! but no, you just had to have your dope, that was more important and look where that got you...bet you wish it had been enough for you to spend time at home with ur loving family instead of needing to go cop dope to make you happy cuz whose happy now?" :| so guilt was definately another one of my main pre coppin feelings alot of times.
 
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