Drugs are ruining my life

[KingBlueTwista]

This is my almost daily procedure. Buy drugs, get high, feel awesome, feel shit; buy drugs, get high, feel good, feel terrible; buy drugs, get high, feel normal, feel like death (rinse and repeat last 4). I'm stuck in a cycle, I cram any psychoactive substance into my body to escape the emptiness in my life that was probably caused by drug abuse in the first place. When I abstain I can't function, and I'm a university student who needs to write essays and research in order to pass my course. Right now I'm lagging seriously and it's really depressing me, I was always a procrastinator but this is just insane. I cannot moderate my use. I'm an all or nothing guy (obviously not by choice).

It's like my subconscious is punishing me for doing drugs, but it needs them at the same time, like some kind of masochistic fascination. If I take drugs I feel okay for a while, then shit afterwards for a while, then I slowly come back to what I think is my 'normal' state, but theres always that demon on my shoulder whispering that life could be better with just a simple pill or a little toke. Some days I hate the world so much I don't even get out of bed, and I've been missing loads of lectures recently, its worrying me, I know it's in my control but somehow it's so hard to direct myself. I play guitar to soothe the pain and play video games to ignore myself for a while but I'll always come back to the downward spiral of addiction. Its fucking me up at a crucial point in my life. I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe someone who's ever been in a similar situation can give me some advice on how to wrestle the demons

 

[serotoninsurfer]

hi kingbluetwister

sorry to hear about your challenges. dont loose hope though you can and will beat the demons because you know there is a problem. if you did not it would be much harder.

perhaps try speaking to a counsellor and keeping very busy with uni work and social life to take your mind of the drugs. Personally i dont know much about drug addiction but i guess the first port of call would be to speak to the psychiatrist or counsellor at your uni because once you speak openly about it you may be even more motivated to beat your demons, plus they may give you ways to improve on how you overcome the addiction.

 

[Lord]

I am way too high to give a good response but I read your post and it I can sympathize a lot. Most of what you say you have been through trust me, I, have been through

Advice... fight your demons, fight your anxiety and paranoia. As humans, we are all afraid of the unknown, but it will get easier. I wish I was following my own advice from when things were better...
Also, some anti-anxiety or anti-psychotic med may help under the supervision of a good doctor, but drugs in general will make it worse. Some make it better for a few hours, some make it better for weeks or even months (hallucinogenic experiences), but it all comes back down, worse than it was before.

 

[BlueberryfishY]

Same here man, same here

 

[KingBlueTwista]

I don't want to speak to a counsellor, they don't seem to speak on a personal level, everything they say they learnt in a textbook, if they say much at all. And I don't have any real true friends at the moment because I just moved away from home, I miss my old friends so very much, even though I didn't appreciate them when I had them, I could use them right now I haven't lost all hope but it scares me where it could all end up, every day seems like a dead end. There is no direction, there is no love God I sound like such a fucking emo. I don't hate myself I just hate the situation I'm in.
I did self-medicate anti-anxiety drugs for a while but they made me feel even emptier when I came off which was inevitable because I couldn't afford them. I might go to a doctor but I wouldn't know what to say.

 

[KingBlueTwista]

Same here man, same here

Glad to know I'm not alone brother.

 

[Legerity]

You are definitely not alone in what you are experiencing. Drug use is such a quick way to change how we feel so it's not that difficult to start to rely on them as your only way of feeling good.

I would question if they are really the source of the void that you feel, or if they are simply something that prevents you from filling that void in a more satisfying way. Only you can look inside and figure out what the real reasons are that you are so unsatisfied with life. If heavy drug use is what finally forced you to start making changes in your way of thinking and experiencing your life, then you won't necessarily look at this period with regret but rather appreciate the lessons that you've been able to learn along the way.

There are some counselors that are great, if you are willing to take the time to shop around. I've done all sorts of therapies and I've really benefited a lot from it. I do have certain reservations but overall it's been a great tool to have when trying to dig up the shit inside of us that is keeping us down.

Don't give up, how you deal with your current situation is up to you, but you are the one that can decide what the right next step is.

 

[Lady Codone]

I feel your pain. However, I feel like people are too hard on themselves for using drugs, as if it were a weakness or moral failing. If you're using drugs to treat symptoms of a physical or mental health condition and being responsible about it, there's nothing to beat yourself up over.

Going cold turkey or being a hardcore addict aren't the only options. Maybe try quitting for a while when you have downtime for w/drawals and then slowly and responsibly re-introducing appropriate doses of one or two drugs back into your life. If your use escalates again, then you know you should quit completely.

 

[oliphill]

I don't want to speak to a counsellor, they don't seem to speak on a personal level, everything they say they learnt in a textbook, if they say much at all. And I don't have any real true friends at the moment because I just moved away from home, I miss my old friends so very much, even though I didn't appreciate them when I had them, I could use them right now I haven't lost all hope but it scares me where it could all end up, every day seems like a dead end. There is no direction, there is no love God I sound like such a fucking emo. I don't hate myself I just hate the situation I'm in.
I did self-medicate anti-anxiety drugs for a while but they made me feel even emptier when I came off which was inevitable because I couldn't afford them. I might go to a doctor but I wouldn't know what to say.

What about counselling with a drug counsellor?

I go weekly to see someone who is an ex addict himself. He most definately talks on a personal level, not text book shit, but he knows his stuff. I get so much out of it! Where abouts in UK u from?
What about NA meetings? Ever tried them? Drugs destroyed my life too and I can relate to your first post so so so much, and NA has helped me immensly. It is possible to live drug free, just you need a good recovery program and the first few months are very hard. But I now feel good, that hole inside is getting filled and i'm not taking any drugs..and trust me I felt exactly like you did!
Good luck!

 

[blue_bomber]

I'm at uni too mate and have the same "demon" nagging me to take some drugs, get high and escape life for a bit. But the last drug i tried fucked me up for about 8 days. My uni work ceased and I felt shit too. So that was lesson enough to me.

Don't mess your work up for drugs cos the government will only fund you once, so quit and fill the gap it leaves you with something positive (like your uni work!) I am guessing you have more of a drug habit rather than a physical addiction so you just need to break the habbit and get stuck into your work.

As you said you are stuck in a vicious circle spiraling out of control, break the circle and you'll be right as rain in no time.

 

[SnrG]

I've felt like that for most of my life, and move around between booze and different drugs. Anything to change the way I feel. NA is worth a go. I''ve tried various counsellors, but find it hard to trust them.

 

[Cface]

To OP:

Sucks huh? I'm stuck in same way. I've even gone 1-1.5 years abstaining from drugs and alcohol (for the most part). But i just don't feel normal when sober.

You always hear about people being addicted to this or that, but maybe you're like me. Not just addicted to any one drug, but rather addicted to being high. It's at the point where it's self-medication. But in retrospect, i realize it's always been a form of self-medication.

And when i do drugs again i feel like such shit after the high wears off because im aware of how sober i am and how empty that feels. I don't know how to properly explain it right now. For some reason the saying "insult to injury" fits to scenarios like these.

I never feel whole without something mind-altering in me.

 

[KingBlueTwista]

I would question if they are really the source of the void that you feel, or if they are simply something that prevents you from filling that void in a more satisfying way.

This is so true. I've curbed my use steeply and already I feel more positive, as Cface just said, it's not any one particular high I'm addicted to, just being high itself or maybe I just hate being sober. Either way it must and will change, its not conducive to a happy lifestyle to rely on drugs, in fact, its counter-productive!
Thank you for helping me see that.
And thank you for all your support

 

[theartofwar]

This is my almost daily procedure. Buy drugs, get high, feel awesome, feel shit; buy drugs, get high, feel good, feel terrible; buy drugs, get high, feel normal, feel like death (rinse and repeat last 4). I'm stuck in a cycle, I cram any psychoactive substance into my body to escape the emptiness in my life that was probably caused by drug abuse in the first place. When I abstain I can't function, and I'm a university student who needs to write essays and research in order to pass my course. Right now I'm lagging seriously and it's really depressing me, I was always a procrastinator but this is just insane. I cannot moderate my use. I'm an all or nothing guy (obviously not by choice).

It's like my subconscious is punishing me for doing drugs, but it needs them at the same time, like some kind of masochistic fascination. If I take drugs I feel okay for a while, then shit afterwards for a while, then I slowly come back to what I think is my 'normal' state, but theres always that demon on my shoulder whispering that life could be better with just a simple pill or a little toke. Some days I hate the world so much I don't even get out of bed, and I've been missing loads of lectures recently, its worrying me, I know it's in my control but somehow it's so hard to direct myself. I play guitar to soothe the pain and play video games to ignore myself for a while but I'll always come back to the downward spiral of addiction. Its fucking me up at a crucial point in my life. I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe someone who's ever been in a similar situation can give me some advice on how to wrestle the demons

You note the structure that you already have in place brother ? Your day is as you put "rinse and repeat" - I would strongly suggest that you start your day off, before anything, trying to go for a jog outside maybe. Nature and endorphins can be a real help in times of depression.

From there building up a schedule around what is important can become easier. What do you study ? Are you passionate about it ? If so then you have something already found to live for , if not continue to search , I changed majors 4 times and then dropped out to sell oxys after I finished few years. Not exactly a winning educational career , but it wasn't for me and it took time for me realize and accept that. Good luck bro.

 

[thujone]

life could be better

that's just the way she goes. drugs tend to have the affect you describe when you're using it to fill a hole in your life. since you're at college and missing lectures, etc, i would say that this is the classic symptom of a person who is unhappy with their life made even moreso by being at school not really knowing what to expect as a reward for all this education and not even knowing if it's really leading in the direction you'd like to be lead in. this affects so many people it may as well be coined a syndrome.

theartofwar touches on an important point: what are you passionate about? clearly you lack passion in your day-to-day life or you wouldn't be in this drug-abusing situation. if you're not at school doing what you enjoy doing, find something else.

and by "enjoy" i don't mean the kind of enjoyment you would get from drugs. that is just happiness; meaningless euphoria. enjoyment, as csikszentmihalyi wrote, comes from working toward goals you want to accomplish more than anything. only once you embrace your goals and decide to do whatever it takes to accomplish them can you define the path you are heading on and gain that sense of purpose and enjoyment that the drugs can only fill on a lacking; visceral; ephemeral level.

ps. i forgot to mention, before you decide to "find something else" outside of school, at least be sure to define your goals so you don't drop out spontaneously then realize a few months later that a simple change in programs is all you would have needed to be on the right track for you.

 

[Jesusgreen]

I know it's hard to do, but in your situation I'd quit ALL drugs - without the intention of quitting permanently, that way you don't feel bad for quitting, you get a much needed break, save some cash, and then in a sober clear-minded state you can decide if there are any drugs you can use responsibly - if so, how often, and if not, how you'll avoid temptation.

Although the only drug I've truly been addicted to is caffeine, last year I was taking drugs, even just weed, for the sake of escaping. I moved, and was forced to stop for several months, and now I still take drugs but it's not a daily (or even all that regular) thing, more sporadic and managed - I enjoy the drugs 1000x more and avoid the problems (and costs!) of habitual use.

It might seem hard now, but take a break, even if it's only for a couple of weeks, any break will help give you the attitude you need to manage or break your addictions. Worst case, you get a tolerance break and enjoy them a little more when you return, best case you really sort your life out

 

[KingBlueTwista]

Only once you embrace your goals and decide to do whatever it takes to accomplish them can you define the path you are heading on and gain that sense of purpose and enjoyment that the drugs can only fill on a lacking; visceral; ephemeral level.

Maybe the problem is that I have no specific direction I want to go in, not that what I do now doesn't lead that way. Do you think that is the only way that people can be truly happy, to create ambitions for themselves? I treasure the fleeting moments I'm in touch with the depths (the good kind, like when you look out on that starry night and get a shiver through your spine) through drugs, there are other ways to reach those places but now they've been cutoff and I don't think I can really be in touch with myself without being in that place at least sometimes.

Yeah I always feel much better after some good old exercise. Nature always used to calm me down and let me lose and feel myself at the same time (even though that seems paradoxical), but now I live in the city in a skyscraper and the most natural thing round here is a little mountain about an hour away I study philosophy and politics, I am passionate about philosophy and read around it quite a bit so that helps me but still theres a hole, maybe it just takes time to find the right thing to fill it with And thanks Mr Jesusgreen I haven't done any drugs for about a week now!

 

[erthqke]

To OP:

Sucks huh? I'm stuck in same way. I've even gone 1-1.5 years abstaining from drugs and alcohol (for the most part). But i just don't feel normal when sober.

You always hear about people being addicted to this or that, but maybe you're like me. Not just addicted to any one drug, but rather addicted to being high. It's at the point where it's self-medication. But in retrospect, i realize it's always been a form of self-medication.

And when i do drugs again i feel like such shit after the high wears off because im aware of how sober i am and how empty that feels. I don't know how to properly explain it right now. For some reason the saying "insult to injury" fits to scenarios like these.

I never feel whole without something mind-altering in me.

I can completely relate with everything you just said.
I have had problems with certain drugs more than others. But have never been solely "addicted" to one substance and I kind of just do whatever I like most, whatever I can afford, and whatever gets me the farthest away from reality.

I think it's more or less of the not being a part of normal every day living and every day thoughts that I'm addicted to. I'm addicted to taking a break from my stressful life and just get the most brain mushing feeling I can find.

Ha.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

I don't want to speak to a counsellor, they don't seem to speak on a personal level, everything they say they learnt in a textbook, if they say much at all.

There's a difference between a therapist that has been trained in Cognitive behavioral therapy or Dialectical behavioral therapy, CBT or DBT, and the school counsellor or court-appointed drug counsellor that you might have experience with.
CBT and DBT specialize in drug addicted suicidal cases who are complete fuck-ups.
I used to think like you did because I had some SHITTY drug counsellors in the past, and then after my suicide attempt I went to a hospital program that had really well trained therapists and it was like night and day. They focus on your real problems, they do a lot of talking, but they also do a lot of listening and caring.
Also know the difference between a psychiatrist and a therapist. A psychiatrist is essentially a drug dealer. They are very valuable but don't expect to have great conversations with them. A good therapist trained in CBT or DBT is like a buddhist saint whose job is just to see that you get to the right place in your mind and life.

Now I'm not saying that everyone trained in DBT is going to be a great therapist, you might have to do a little shopping in order to find one that is really good, but it's so worth it.
I think everyone on this planet can benefit from therapy (real/good therapy) if they've never done it before.

 

[Psyke]

Drugs are ruining my life

what drugs specifically? uppers? downers?