H
Humilishamed
Guest
(Summary: due to low creatanine levels I was forced to take a supervised urine test, which caused me to have a panic attack. I am worried that due to this problem I will be forced off the program and back onto opiates)
I am posting in anon because this is personal as well as an extremely embarassing situation which has me at the end of my rope.
I am not looking for ways to put one over on my doctor. I am honestly doing my best to make this work but dut to circumstances out of my control I have run up against a wall. I don't know what to do and feel so foollisht that such a seemingly unimportant thing to me in regards to my treatment could be screwing everything up.
I went in yesterday, for my third session w/ sub doc, only to find out that I was now required to do observed urine screenings rather than unobserved. The reason for this given was that my creatanine levels were too low on the previous test compared to the first one and they implied that I was either tampering with the sample, or not taking my medication as prescribed, of which I did neither. I immediately knew this would be a problem and stated so. I have never, for as long as I can remember, been able to piss with strange people watching me. Usually, in normal life, I am able to hold off until I can find some privacy and even explain to my friends that I need to be left alone in order to start pissing.
To make matters worse I am put in a little 1 person bathrooom that is maybe 3'x5' with some strange dude I had never seen there before. Rather than piss, I immediately started to have an anxiety attack, racing heart, shaking legs, sweaty palms, flushed face, and a feeling like I wanted to start crying (this has never happened before, usually if I can't piss it is merely uncomfortable until I can). I told the guy that this wasn't gonna happen, waited a bit, and tried again with the same result. I explained this to the intake lady who said, "ok, we'll see what we can do".
She proceeded to take my vitals, agreed that I was having an anxiety attack by my heart rate/BP and was very sympathetic and understanding. She attempted to explain this to the counsoler I am required to see (not the Dr., they are a husband/wife, Dr./counsoler team I think and as far as I can tell, she seems to call the shots in these matters), and the counsoler, who did not appear to be sympathetic in the least but rather implied that I was doing something against their policy, again explained to me about the creatanine levels and their policy regarding it. I received no real counseling beyond this, she didn't even ask how I was doing or how I felt.
At this point they allowed me to take the test unsupervised but I was in such a state where I still could not piss. I went in and after a minute of trying, pushing on my baldder, running my hand under water, was still unable. I was not only completely unable to focus, I was literally about to start crying, which is completely out of character for me.
I walked out, asked for my money back, and was told this was impossible since I had already seen the counsoler. They told me I could come back friday, so I made an appt for then. At this point I am so embarassed that I really don't even want to go in or have anything to do with these people, the only reason I am considering it is that they have my money, but, even though it is alot for me, I'm not sure I will.
Walking in I was feeling great. I was excited to tell them about the positive things I was starting in my life: how well my job was going, how motivated I am to get back in school, how I have finally after so many years found a direction I want to take my life, and, at their insistence, I was able to quit smoking marijuana.
Had I not had to go through these events, I'm sure I would have had no problem pissing alone but the complete reversal of emotions was too much for me and all I wanted to do was get out of there, and go get high (really the first time since I got on the prog. that I have had such strong cravings.) I saw my hopes fade away and be replaced with fear and confusion regarding my future, not to mention the absolute humiliation I felt having to look like such a loser not just in front of the people working there, but the number of other customers that were coming in and out. It was by far the most demeaning thing I have experienced in recent memory.
Now, the reason I am asking for advice: Assuming that when I go in Friday and I am able to take the test unsupervised without issue, they made it clear to me that my creatanine levels are expected to be normal (I am unsure about the units but they said I went from a 70 on my first visit down to a 10 on my second). They made it seem that the two possible reasons this could happen were me tampering with the sample or not taking my medication as prescribed, if at all. The implied accusations greatly added to my confusion and contributed to my anxiety.
At the time I had no idea what creatanine is, other than it sounded like creatine which I have heard of friends taking before working out. After a bit of reading on Wikipedia, I am now under the impression that the reason for this drop was as follows:
My first visit I had been sick for about 30hrs, which caused me to call out of work. Because of this I was very dehydrated since I really didn't even want to get out of bed to drink water. I wasn't worrying about taking a piss test going in so didn't drink water beforehand. Though I was a little nervous, I was able to piss after a few tries. My urine was dark yellow and therefore, very concentrated.
I had worked the night before my second visit. I work overnight at an extemely strenuos job where, even in the cold, I sweat alot. Because of this I bring a gallon of water and oftentimes come close to finishing the whole thing. I get out at around 6am, and took the test at 10. I make sure that I drink a few glasses of water before I go to my appt since I know that I often have trouble going in strange places. In addition I eat very little meat, especially red meat, which I think I read can play a part. If I had a breakfast before I went in it was my usual 2 pieces of toast with jelly and a cup of coffee.
I'm not sure how much these factors can effect my levels, but I honestly had nothing to hide, and was not attempting to dilute my urine, only drinking water for the reasons already stated. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know there are other places that are nowhere near as strict but I have already gone through so much money at this place that it will be a while before I can afford to pay init fees at another. I had to take advances against my CC in order to get in this one, which I am still attempting to pay down.
After yesterday, I really feel like these people have no concern for me beyond the money I bring them, and am tempted to tell them so despite the fact that I know it will only hurt matters. If anyone can think of any options I have which I may not be realizing, it would really mean the world to me. For the first time in five years I felt like things were starting to go right for me, but now I am worried that I was wrong and will be forced to try and quit on my own, which has never worked for me in the past.
I apoligise for length, I really tried to only include relevant details but this is a really tough situation for me that is causing much distress.
I am posting in anon because this is personal as well as an extremely embarassing situation which has me at the end of my rope.
I am not looking for ways to put one over on my doctor. I am honestly doing my best to make this work but dut to circumstances out of my control I have run up against a wall. I don't know what to do and feel so foollisht that such a seemingly unimportant thing to me in regards to my treatment could be screwing everything up.
I went in yesterday, for my third session w/ sub doc, only to find out that I was now required to do observed urine screenings rather than unobserved. The reason for this given was that my creatanine levels were too low on the previous test compared to the first one and they implied that I was either tampering with the sample, or not taking my medication as prescribed, of which I did neither. I immediately knew this would be a problem and stated so. I have never, for as long as I can remember, been able to piss with strange people watching me. Usually, in normal life, I am able to hold off until I can find some privacy and even explain to my friends that I need to be left alone in order to start pissing.
To make matters worse I am put in a little 1 person bathrooom that is maybe 3'x5' with some strange dude I had never seen there before. Rather than piss, I immediately started to have an anxiety attack, racing heart, shaking legs, sweaty palms, flushed face, and a feeling like I wanted to start crying (this has never happened before, usually if I can't piss it is merely uncomfortable until I can). I told the guy that this wasn't gonna happen, waited a bit, and tried again with the same result. I explained this to the intake lady who said, "ok, we'll see what we can do".
She proceeded to take my vitals, agreed that I was having an anxiety attack by my heart rate/BP and was very sympathetic and understanding. She attempted to explain this to the counsoler I am required to see (not the Dr., they are a husband/wife, Dr./counsoler team I think and as far as I can tell, she seems to call the shots in these matters), and the counsoler, who did not appear to be sympathetic in the least but rather implied that I was doing something against their policy, again explained to me about the creatanine levels and their policy regarding it. I received no real counseling beyond this, she didn't even ask how I was doing or how I felt.
At this point they allowed me to take the test unsupervised but I was in such a state where I still could not piss. I went in and after a minute of trying, pushing on my baldder, running my hand under water, was still unable. I was not only completely unable to focus, I was literally about to start crying, which is completely out of character for me.
I walked out, asked for my money back, and was told this was impossible since I had already seen the counsoler. They told me I could come back friday, so I made an appt for then. At this point I am so embarassed that I really don't even want to go in or have anything to do with these people, the only reason I am considering it is that they have my money, but, even though it is alot for me, I'm not sure I will.
Walking in I was feeling great. I was excited to tell them about the positive things I was starting in my life: how well my job was going, how motivated I am to get back in school, how I have finally after so many years found a direction I want to take my life, and, at their insistence, I was able to quit smoking marijuana.
Had I not had to go through these events, I'm sure I would have had no problem pissing alone but the complete reversal of emotions was too much for me and all I wanted to do was get out of there, and go get high (really the first time since I got on the prog. that I have had such strong cravings.) I saw my hopes fade away and be replaced with fear and confusion regarding my future, not to mention the absolute humiliation I felt having to look like such a loser not just in front of the people working there, but the number of other customers that were coming in and out. It was by far the most demeaning thing I have experienced in recent memory.
Now, the reason I am asking for advice: Assuming that when I go in Friday and I am able to take the test unsupervised without issue, they made it clear to me that my creatanine levels are expected to be normal (I am unsure about the units but they said I went from a 70 on my first visit down to a 10 on my second). They made it seem that the two possible reasons this could happen were me tampering with the sample or not taking my medication as prescribed, if at all. The implied accusations greatly added to my confusion and contributed to my anxiety.
At the time I had no idea what creatanine is, other than it sounded like creatine which I have heard of friends taking before working out. After a bit of reading on Wikipedia, I am now under the impression that the reason for this drop was as follows:
My first visit I had been sick for about 30hrs, which caused me to call out of work. Because of this I was very dehydrated since I really didn't even want to get out of bed to drink water. I wasn't worrying about taking a piss test going in so didn't drink water beforehand. Though I was a little nervous, I was able to piss after a few tries. My urine was dark yellow and therefore, very concentrated.
I had worked the night before my second visit. I work overnight at an extemely strenuos job where, even in the cold, I sweat alot. Because of this I bring a gallon of water and oftentimes come close to finishing the whole thing. I get out at around 6am, and took the test at 10. I make sure that I drink a few glasses of water before I go to my appt since I know that I often have trouble going in strange places. In addition I eat very little meat, especially red meat, which I think I read can play a part. If I had a breakfast before I went in it was my usual 2 pieces of toast with jelly and a cup of coffee.
I'm not sure how much these factors can effect my levels, but I honestly had nothing to hide, and was not attempting to dilute my urine, only drinking water for the reasons already stated. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. I know there are other places that are nowhere near as strict but I have already gone through so much money at this place that it will be a while before I can afford to pay init fees at another. I had to take advances against my CC in order to get in this one, which I am still attempting to pay down.
After yesterday, I really feel like these people have no concern for me beyond the money I bring them, and am tempted to tell them so despite the fact that I know it will only hurt matters. If anyone can think of any options I have which I may not be realizing, it would really mean the world to me. For the first time in five years I felt like things were starting to go right for me, but now I am worried that I was wrong and will be forced to try and quit on my own, which has never worked for me in the past.
I apoligise for length, I really tried to only include relevant details but this is a really tough situation for me that is causing much distress.
and congrrats for staying clean for as lonng as u have.
