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The Ascent

C

Counterintuitive

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 10, 2010
Messages
155
Location
Behind Door # 1
ThE AsCeNT



There is a boiling fission inside, stirring dead pools to life.
Its soft, warm light evokes, my wild, all knowing third eye -
Precipitating empirical sight while breaking down this great divide;
and taking me, with It, to the other side.

Latently coming to, as the light transudes;
difficult to soak-in this new vast, expansive view.
Coming full circle onto this metamorphic plane -
above crumbled walls and residual shadows as they fade;
shedding old dispositions along my weary way.

Soul's ablaze with a connected collective conscious -
Body pulled from mind, gained cognitive foresight through my third eye.
Seated in this incongruous juxtaposition, this phantasmagoric scene;
elevated by the awe-inspiring perspicacity.
And in this defiance of gravity,
I am locked in an achromatic ascent into efflorescent eternity.
​
 
... Man or Woman, thank you for that. I've withheld the sharing of my poetry/writing with anyone for all of my life -- Especially person-to-person -- due to fear. Fear has several meanings in this context... I am now 22, and was recently introduced to words by another member - I immediately felt safe here in Words.

Although, I am glad to hear a positive response, I do want to stress that constructive criticism would be received just as warmly.
 
It's confusing that you capitalize "It" without capitalizing the apparent antecedent, "fission." How can a fission break down a great divide? A fission IS a great divide!

"Invokes" would work better than "evokes." "Opens" would work better than either; it's an "eye," after all, so extend the metaphor.


"Latent" means something inherent to an entity which has yet to be fully expressed, or to fully manifest if you prefer. What you seem to be getting at is that something which has been up until now latent or implicit is at once becoming explicit.

"Cognitive foresight"? Redundant; what other type of "foresight" could there be?

Your word choice mostly jells but there's a feeling of excessive floweriness to it. I won't accuse you of resorting to a thesaurus -- it has always infuriated me when people have accused me of doing so, since picking words out of a thesaurus tends to contravene their connotations and result in sentences which make little real sense. Your word choice isn't awful but could use some tightening. If I were you I'd try two things to strengthen my writing:

1. Play with form. Learn about established poetic structures; sonnets, quatrains, etc. These structures have endured because their rigidity adds beauty and discipline to poetry. Free-form half-rhymes are par for the course for many modern poets, but it's often just laziness, or ignorance, not an informed artistic decision.

2. Work on expressing complex ideas in more accessible ways. The simplest word you can use without diluting your meaning is the best word to use. And the best writing advice I've encountered has been "omit needless words."
 
^^ As I wrote in the my response for Refleschun - Clearly, I have a lot of work to do. Too tired and too many points to hit on, but everything you have commented about certainly seems correct after being brought to my attention. For the guidance to have an affect, I would need to sit down and rethink the poem for some time. Which is something that I look forward to doing.

Thanks
 
Counterintuitive: You are interesting and that was wonderful.

I'm sure QS88 has given you excellent advice, so listen to it, and just remember at the end of the day the only reason words exist, the only reason people write, is to understand each other. Feel more. Construct less. Real emotion means something to everyone.
 
that was dank. A little wordy, and I think it would sound better if you took out the personal pronouns, but still, a good poem.
 
queenscarlet88 said:
Free-form half-rhymes are par for the course for many modern poets, but it's often just laziness, or ignorance, not an informed artistic decision.
"
Click to expand...

ignorance, or freedom? Kinda the same as a self taught musician versus a classically trained one. One adheres to the status quo, the other is less bound by other people's preconceptions and rigid form that isn't there own.
 
Counterintuitive: I like the part: "Shedding old dispositions along my weary way" That line spoke to my soul. Good stuff.

queenscarlet 88: I must put up one of my poems that is similar in style to "ascent" I would like to know what someone of your intellect would have to say about it=)
 
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