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Feel like I can't live sober for more than a day.

I

illusiondelusion3

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 26, 2010
Messages
52
I've been smoking weed every day for about 3 years. I know a lot disagree, but I feel like it's definitely addictive. On top of smoking pot, I take Xanax or any benzo really, opiates or X whenever I can. I drink heavily too.

I suffer from depression/anxiety and I'm 20 years old. Last time I had depression like this I was seriously considering suicide. My drug use has escalated since then. I kind of want to cut down but part of me says I've got it under control and the other part thinks I need help cutting down. It's hard to and I feel like I can't sleep or eat. I also have trouble with the idea of being sober. I feel uncomfortable alone with myself and I don't know how to fix it.

Any one else feel like this ?
 
Yes a lot of us are not comfortable in our own skin and will turn to substances for relief.

Your specific reason may be different from somebody else, so you need to look at your own self and figure out what it is that is making you anxious and depressed. It could be your specific life situation, your beliefs, family history, etc., whatever. There are plenty of reasons for not feeling good.

Anxiety and depression are not really pure emotions in themselves, I see them more as how we feel when our actual feelings are not properly being felt or expressed.

Therapy has helped me a lot, and so has meditation. But society will not provide all the answers you are looking for, it really comes down to you figuring your own self out and finding what works for you.
 
Yeah, its just its hard for me to think in ways that will change my mind and "help me" because above all, I don't really know what I'm working towards. I don't know what will make me happy. I feel like a sober life is not the one for me, anxiety or not. I feel bored and lonely by soberness and even with a boyfriend, family and friends I can't think of anything to fill that void, besides drugs, and if I lose that then I just don't see a point of happiness beyond it.

I just need a way to think of "goals" and start setting some I guess. I used to go to a therapist, she didn't help much, and I was very against taking anti-depressants.
I guess I don't feel very motivated to help myself either because in a way I just feel like I'm not going to be happy no matter what.
 
I feel very similar. I'm also 20, smoke weed every day, or at least until I run out of pot/money and get drunk (often to the point of blacking out) almost every 2nd day. I also take a variety of other drugs whenever the mood takes me.

I also have depression and anxiety but am currently on antidepressants (ssri). They don't however seem to be working and I, too have been seriously contemplating suicide. The uncomfortability within oneself is something all to familiar to me as I've spent most of today in a negative mind-storm with focusses switching between my own worthlessness and death ideation.

So yeah, I guess I can say there are people who feel the same way :)

I think the best course of action would be to accept the fact that you probably do need help to eradicate these things from your life. Ultimately they're only going to bring your emotional state down even further. And there is always light at the end of the tunnel, so I keep being told.

Because I understand so well how I think you're feeling it's so hard to give advice for the steps to take to overcome it but I guess, deep down, I know what SHOULD be done it's just doing it and believing in the ultimate happiness that will result that is the problem.

p.s. I feel like weed is very addictive as well. Not the substance itself but the mindset it creates. For me it's like almost forgetting about all of the issues that plague your mind and life whilst sober.
 
To the posters that said they are on anti depressants, yet feeling worse, or hell even the same-what bothers me about these damn drugs is they even say on commercials advertising them, as do the possible side effects listed on the Rx bottle by law, taking this medicine may cause worse depression, or serious thoughts about---or worse actual suicde! You should at least tell this to whoever wrote that script for your depression. I only know in my particular case, after being clean and sober off all drugs/alcohol 15 months, & then started Tramadol, (an SSRI I've read) fucked me up worse than ever kicking from "real" dope. I stayed sober for another 9 months to try to kick & it was horrible. Mainly, somehow it severely fucked up my sleep/wake cycle and no matter how much or how little I slept, I was fucking tired all the time. I would of gladly taken Ibogaine, but couldn't come up with the money to get the treatment in Canada because of it being illegal in the states. How I would of loved for my damn brain chemistry to "be right" again. I can't say it caused me non stop suicidal thoughts, but it sure sucked the enjoyment right out of my life. As far as I'm concerned, unless you know for a fact because you tried it before and it (whatever anti-d you tried) worked, these drugs are a crap shoot, & until you try it, there's no way to know how the hell it's going to affect you. That said, keep bugging your doc with WORSE or no improvement in suicidal thoughts since starting an anti d!
 
Yes, yes yes. I can defin relate. I'm self medicating with the weed, and trying not to take my benzos every day, b/c i dont want to get addicted, and I don't want to take the anti depressant I was prescribed b/c I don't want to deal with being on it forever, but I know I can't keep going like this with the weed. I've been taking little breaks here and there, for a week or a few days, and I can't afford to keep smoking the way I have for all these years, but it helps on so many levels. Its frustrating. I'd still rather smoke weed than be on Prozac, but it feels helpless sometimes, like nothing else will help me. I don't think I'm addicted, but then why did I just get some tonite, knowing damn well that I shouldn't be spending money on it? I guess I'll forget that later.
Maybe what I love so much about it, is that sigh of relief as soon as I take a hit. That feeling that everything is ok. Even if it isn't, it FEELS like it it, like I can keep going another day.
 
yup pretty much. it feels like they will always be there for me, comforting with their warm touch
 
CryToMe said:
Yes, yes yes. I can defin relate. I'm self medicating with the weed, and trying not to take my benzos every day, b/c i dont want to get addicted, and I don't want to take the anti depressant I was prescribed b/c I don't want to deal with being on it forever, but I know I can't keep going like this with the weed. I've been taking little breaks here and there, for a week or a few days, and I can't afford to keep smoking the way I have for all these years, but it helps on so many levels. Its frustrating. I'd still rather smoke weed than be on Prozac, but it feels helpless sometimes, like nothing else will help me. I don't think I'm addicted, but then why did I just get some tonite, knowing damn well that I shouldn't be spending money on it? I guess I'll forget that later.
Maybe what I love so much about it, is that sigh of relief as soon as I take a hit. That feeling that everything is ok. Even if it isn't, it FEELS like it it, like I can keep going another day.
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So true! I'm with you. I smoke weed almost every day, in fact last night was the first night in sooo long that I haven't smoked pot. I took the anti-depressant I was prescribed last year a few times and it made me feel so different- foggy, like I couldnt speak, no "real feelings" I don't know. Just nothing I wanted to feel like. I have been taking benzos for 3 years, but never more than 3x a week. I usually keep it at that, and once I was prescribed them, for now I just get them around. I just wish my state allowed medical marijuana use or I'd be alll over that hah.
 
I used to feel VERY addicted to pot back when I was about 16. I remember on rare occasions that I didn't have any, I'd scavenge the rug for buds or whatever I could find. Yet, after stopping for about a week, there was seriously nothing to it. No withdrawal except for those major cravings. After that, I was fine. I wanted to smoke sometimes because of all the great memories I'd associated with pot, but never went back because of the dating situation I was in. I'm glad I stopped. It really wasn't too hard after the first few days.

I can relate to being uneasy about sobriety. I feel that way whenever I think about it. On one hand it could be great. I'd stop spending my money on booze and therefore would have the cash to buy some of my favorite foods and some new clothes that are actually untorn. On the other hand, without psych meds (which I've only had bad experiences with) I'd have nothing to medicate myself with and to tame my suicidal/obsessive thoughts.

We all know that sobriety is the best option, and if it's too much, then professional help is the way to go. It's obvious, but we're addicts. We don't always think rationally for ourselves.
 
blahman8000 said:
I used to feel VERY addicted to pot back when I was about 16. I remember on rare occasions that I didn't have any, I'd scavenge the rug for buds or whatever I could find. Yet, after stopping for about a week, there was seriously nothing to it. No withdrawal except for those major cravings. After that, I was fine. I wanted to smoke sometimes because of all the great memories I'd associated with pot, but never went back because of the dating situation I was in. I'm glad I stopped. It really wasn't too hard after the first few days.

I can relate to being uneasy about sobriety. I feel that way whenever I think about it. On one hand it could be great. I'd stop spending my money on booze and therefore would have the cash to buy some of my favorite foods and some new clothes that are actually untorn. On the other hand, without psych meds (which I've only had bad experiences with) I'd have nothing to medicate myself with and to tame my suicidal/obsessive thoughts.

We all know that sobriety is the best option, and if it's too much, then professional help is the way to go. It's obvious, but we're addicts. We don't always think rationally for ourselves.
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True, I believe you about the pot thing. Its just right now I don't have the willpower to stop smoking, which is something I do every day, its comforting in a sense - like it'll always be there. Sobriety just leaves me with myself and nobody else. I can't even imagine having fun soberly (idk, just seems crazy to me) I guess I do need some kind of professional help, however, my parents do not know about my mental status (besides that I'm depressed) and would lose it it they knew I did drugs. Just a tough spot I guess
 
I completely understand. I drink smoke and abuse alcohol but i feel like its the only way i can handle life. If i didnt drink. I probably kill myself
 
if drugs aren't making you happy then why bother? If you feel suicidal with a bunch of drugs at your disposal then maybe the drugs are causing more issues than they are resolving. Just something to think about. Try working on the issues that drive your depression and anxiety, drugs are an escape but they also stop you from progressing (in general) so that your life won't get any better, then you do more drugs, life gets even worse and so on. It's a terrible cycle.
 
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