the relapse..

[mymindisgoo]

welll.. last saturday i had 59 days and then tripped off dxm. so sad i couldn't hold myself for one more day and get a "real 60 day chip." i've been in rehab since mid september, and in a half way house for 4 weeks today. tomorrow i'm leaving. the first two weeks of 'hab i was all gung ho about getting and staying clean. as soon as i left and came to this place, i just had the obsession to use. i was planning my relapse for a while - a nice little k cule and oxy party then going to a show or something. how ever this new kid came and we just started talking about using and wanting to get high. so we went to the pharmacy and i pusssied out. a few days later we did it. earlier that day i told the head of the house that tomorrow will be my 60th day but it wasn't. we went to a meeting and since he was there i didn't want him to tell my parents i relapsed (i told my mom, however not yet to my father) i had to get up in front of everyone and 'claim' that i had 60. everyone was so happy, a lot of these people i've been seeing since i first started going to meetings when i here.. anyway, this place is such a joke - no drug tests, the guy who runs it is probably benzo'd out (he took this guys ativan script) - there are some days he's juts nodding off alllll day, with the majority of the time laying on a couch. basically a guy with a house renting out rooms. yesterday i got drunk and snorted an ativan from this older guy who's script was taken (he kept some for himself).

i'm only 19, i feel/know that i have another run in me. i'm probably going to end up in rehab after i finish culinary school. i mean fuck tomorrow i'm leaving, and hopefully by the week i'll be back in nyc and meeting up with my brother, getting some oxys from him, meeting up with another kid and getting the cule and k. i mean i don't wanna go back to how i was, isolating myself in my room all day blowing lines with my brother smoking mad joints. i just want to occasionally escape. most of the kids i went to rehab with already relapsed. most of them blazing and drinking. it sucks going to have to live a lie to my father who's trying so hard to get me back on my feet and not end up like my 27 year old brother who's probably hanging on...

i really thought i wanted it. i mean i can just see myself sitting there breaking down the oxy, mixing lines of everything, and looking at it asking myself is it really wAt i want to do. i want to do it but i know it's wrong. how ever, i just want to have fun the only way i know. to be completely honest i don't even know if i'm really an addict. but i guess i am. after i relapsed i stopped coming here and replying to things - i had to force myself to today.my temporary sponsor hasn't even responded to me in over a fucking week.

i don't know where i'm going with this, i guess juts trying to reach out to someone willing to talk.

 

[love2party]

Don't do it man, after the drugs are gone you will regret it and feel even shittier. That half way house sounds shitty and not conducive to sobriety. If you really want to get clean, you will regardless of what other people are doing around you.

See, I used to be just like you and would just care about today and would tell myself just get fucked up today and start cleaning up your life tommorow, but guess what I would do the next day, get fucked up again. The days turned into years and now, I'm 25 with nothing meaningful accomplished since I graduated high school. It's a sad life.

 

[mymindisgoo]

that sounds exactly like na/a - just fer today............... i mean all i hear are people saying i wish i could be in yer shoes, getting clean so young.. mehhhhhhhhh

 

[love2party]

It's up to you man, but i'm telling you drugs are not conducive to a happy healthy life. Get out now while it's still relatively easy, the deeper you go the harder it gets.

 

[calmAnimal]

WORD^

im sure you've heard it dude. "when we were beaten, we became willing" do realize by using your going back to that beating? is that what you really want? do you want it to become worse? just think about it.

i have over 4 months clean right now. i also go to NA. im 21 and i hear all the same shit. "oh i wish i did this when i was your age." " you have so much courage to do this now" blah blah blah but its true. you dont need drugs to feel happy. avoid those ppl that are glorifying their drug use. and if you start remember all the good times, then also try to rememeber that loneliness and shame and guilt. i know its hard our brains only want to remember the blissful times. but if it was always good then we wouldnt be trying to get clean.

just think about it man if you really want to take a bigger beating and then go ahead. no one can force you stop using. its your decision. i just wish you luck either way.

 

[New]

You got high. It's not the end of the world. You don't have to go on "another run" to get "another recovery". You don't have to shame yourself in front of people you kinda know. Just move on. It doesn't have to be this huge melodrama that you're making in your head over a symbol of status in your new constructed community. Just focus on today and stay out of the bullshit.

 

[Bojangles69]

Dude, you you never really know if you're an addict either way so it doesn't exactly matter.
What matters is what drugs are doing to your life and what you're going to do about it. There are people on this forum with enough of their own problems that whatever you do isn't going to really effect their lives. I got to worry myself still whether I'm an addict and I'm older than your brother. You WILL have "another run" for the rest of your life if you don't learn how to respect the innate self destructive nature and weakness of being human. Drugs rob you of the one exact thing you need to be happy w/out them.. a soul.

 

[DavidStayzFadedd]

welll.. last saturday i had 59 days and then tripped off dxm. so sad i couldn't hold myself for one more day and get a "real 60 day chip." i've been in rehab since mid september, and in a half way house for 4 weeks today. tomorrow i'm leaving. the first two weeks of 'hab i was all gung ho about getting and staying clean. as soon as i left and came to this place, i just had the obsession to use. i was planning my relapse for a while - a nice little k cule and oxy party then going to a show or something. how ever this new kid came and we just started talking about using and wanting to get high. so we went to the pharmacy and i pusssied out. a few days later we did it. earlier that day i told the head of the house that tomorrow will be my 60th day but it wasn't. we went to a meeting and since he was there i didn't want him to tell my parents i relapsed (i told my mom, however not yet to my father) i had to get up in front of everyone and 'claim' that i had 60. everyone was so happy, a lot of these people i've been seeing since i first started going to meetings when i here.. anyway, this place is such a joke - no drug tests, the guy who runs it is probably benzo'd out (he took this guys ativan script) - there are some days he's juts nodding off alllll day, with the majority of the time laying on a couch. basically a guy with a house renting out rooms. yesterday i got drunk and snorted an ativan from this older guy who's script was taken (he kept some for himself).

i'm only 19, i feel/know that i have another run in me. i'm probably going to end up in rehab after i finish culinary school. i mean fuck tomorrow i'm leaving, and hopefully by the week i'll be back in nyc and meeting up with my brother, getting some oxys from him, meeting up with another kid and getting the cule and k. i mean i don't wanna go back to how i was, isolating myself in my room all day blowing lines with my brother smoking mad joints. i just want to occasionally escape. most of the kids i went to rehab with already relapsed. most of them blazing and drinking. it sucks going to have to live a lie to my father who's trying so hard to get me back on my feet and not end up like my 27 year old brother who's probably hanging on...

i really thought i wanted it. i mean i can just see myself sitting there breaking down the oxy, mixing lines of everything, and looking at it asking myself is it really wAt i want to do. i want to do it but i know it's wrong. how ever, i just want to have fun the only way i know. to be completely honest i don't even know if i'm really an addict. but i guess i am. after i relapsed i stopped coming here and replying to things - i had to force myself to today.my temporary sponsor hasn't even responded to me in over a fucking week.

i don't know where i'm going with this, i guess juts trying to reach out to someone willing to talk.

DXM?? fuck dude if ur gonna lapse do it right and get reel drugz. lol. i dont even think that counts, its like u just had a cough.. so forget about it, and do what u wanna do, just dont get outta control

 

[Bojangles69]

that sounds exactly like na/a - just fer today............... i mean all i hear are people saying i wish i could be in yer shoes, getting clean so young.. mehhhhhhhhh

And I want to address this question cause you seem to have a personal preoccupation with na.
You also sound like you're using them as justification in some way to keep using. Like "im so young im so young, na is old and dumb, they dont know wut der talkn about so i will just dew drugz".
So lets reframe na. Go research online in general and see what the large majority consensus is about drug addicts and drug use in general. Better yet, since the whole population might be stupid, YOU should just go out and survey 400 random people. And on the survey ask what they think about drugs. So once you get the results, you can continue to justifiy you are smarter than every single person who has an opinion about drugs.

I'll tell you the truth though. We are ALL JUST LYING because we don't want you to use up all our good drugs.. like dxm. Like is that seriously what you think? Maybe we're just being honest because drugs DO fuck up most peoples lives?
Nah, no wayy dewd!!! thats mehhhhh

 

[Bojangles69]

DXM?? fuck dude if ur gonna lapse do it right and get reel drugz. lol. i dont even think that counts, its like u just had a cough.. so forget about it, and do what u wanna do, just dont get outta control

I was gonna say hes bashn na but hes also defining his own relapse by their standards. NA considers breathing in too much air a relapse.

 

[oliphill]

Don't beat yourself up about your relapse man, these things happen. Just don't let it start you off on a downward negative thinking spiral. I would be honest with your Dad about what has happened, it's only gonna make it worse otherwise.

i want to do it but i know it's wrong.

That's your soul talking, deep down you know it's wrong. If you don't grab this before it takes hold again, that voice that knows what's best for you will get quieter and quieter and before you know it you'll be a slave to the beast again man.

Drugs rob you of the one exact thing you need to be happy w/out them.. a soul.

So true!

 

[Legerity]

Do you think you did something "wrong" by consuming DXM? According to who...your own values or what you have been taught?

This is just one experience to learn from, like any other. Take an honest look at your past whether or not you really want to head back in that direction. You make the choice, this can be an isolated incident or you can use it as a reason to get into heavy drug use like you did in the past.

There's no right or wrong, each decision will have a different outcome. You make up your own life one choice at a time. So what's it going to be next?

 

[TJ5]

It doesn't sound like you're getting any so
called pleasure, but instead made 2 feel like
crap physically & emotionally. Cocaine did
that 2 me n the end making it easy 2 quit. Y
continue with mega costs & 0 benefits? U
dont have 2 cont, but find other place 2 live,
other N/A group + a sponsor. I
recommend stay away from bro at least a
year & then only when non users r with u.

 

[mymindisgoo]

the reason i did dxm was to trip, the only access to drugs i have is that. since alcohol is legal it's not a real drunk even though you can die off it? i consider it a relapse because i was tripping balls off my face for a few hours - not cuz i had a cough. the obsession to use went away but for the past two days i've been getting drrrunk and not giving a fuck any more.

bojangles please explain how i was trying to justify that i'm smarter tha neveryone?

 

[Asclepius]

You got high. It's not the end of the world. You don't have to go on "another run" to get "another recovery". You don't have to shame yourself in front of people you kinda know. Just move on. It doesn't have to be this huge melodrama that you're making in your head over a symbol of status in your new constructed community. Just focus on today and stay out of the bullshit.

^This!
Look the more someone polarises these things the more they become attractive! If its all segregated into two camps for you: Using and fun, or not using and Misery then of course your going to always swing between these and never get to the Meridian.

i'm probably going to end up in rehab after i finish culinary school. i mean fuck tomorrow i'm leaving, and hopefully by the week i'll be back in nyc and meeting up with my brother, getting some oxys from him, meeting up with another kid and getting the cule and k. i mean i don't wanna go back to how i was, isolating myself in my room all day blowing lines with my brother smoking mad joints. i just want to occasionally escape. most of the kids i went to rehab with already relapsed. most of them blazing and drinking. it sucks going to have to live a lie to my father who's trying so hard to get me back on my feet and not end up like my 27 year old brother who's probably hanging on...

Your setting yourself up already with a Guilt complex that isnt helping you, but your using it to fuel yourself up and label yourself into 'Addict' and this is setting you up to play the Script of everyones fears, especially your Fathers, which is; that at 27 you will end up like your brother (thats fairly understandable because he cares about you) but you are your own person, your only 19.
Dont let yourself be moulded into whats going to remove your quality of life.
Substances arent the Alpha and Omega, there is alot of things you can be focusing on, fun doesnt always revolve around using. I know at 19 it may seem that way but the fact is the more you put it on a pedestal, the more you'll worship it.
Rehab also isnt the beginning and the end. Seek proper help with people you can trust and respect and who can challenge you with compassion. Work on your Self-Esteem. Make an effort to make choices based on wisdom; rather than what only 'Feels good at the time' and pleasing everyone while you hide and feel guilty. Find Mates that help respect your decisions and arent manipulating you for their own wants. Respect yourself.
Otherwise your selling yourself short.
Its good that you can talk to your Mother(Although you can only tell, so much!)
Take it easy.

 

[Asclepius]

DXM?? fuck dude if ur gonna lapse do it right and get reel drugz. lol. i dont even think that counts, its like u just had a cough.. so forget about it, and do what u wanna do, just dont get outta control

Very constructive 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure'-EXACTLY what a 19 year old needs to hear when they need to trust in guidance from peers especially Males. After all his brother, who he probably looks up to, has him stuck in a room with him so he wont be so lonely on his own.
Blokes challenging others looking for help. Pissing Contensts are such a valuable contribution!8)

 

[Uber_Penguin]

Eh, unfortunately it's usually a fact of life that people fall off sometimes when they're trying to get clean. Others saying "well just don't do it, you know drugs aren't good" is easy enough for someone not in that position to say, but I'm sure a lot of people here have gone through things like this too. When even though someone really strongly desires to get clean, the pull of making oneself feel some relief, especially when one's dealing with the stress of trying to put their life back together, overpowers that desire.

Then I suppose the important thing becomes what exactly comes out of relapsing; if you simply look at it as a complete failure that's going to destroy all your efforts then it may very well become that. On the other hand if you look at it as an opportunity to more deeply examine yourself and the feelings and situations that lead to the urge to use and/or relapse, then at least something worthwhile and helpful in the long term has come out of it.

I'm not saying whether you should or shouldn't do it, as what we say likely won't have any impact on whether or not it happens, all I'm saying is that no matter what decision you make you should own it and use it to better yourself in the long run, and not worry too much about what others think about it. Your job should be to worry about you and what's best for your well being, it shouldn't be to beat yourself up and put on a facade because those around you want to force you to fix your problems their way.

Oh, and one more thing...I honestly have no idea what this "cule" is...is this some kind of peculiar slang for a substance? I couldn't even find it by googling.