Walked out for the past few hours on my trip. I don't really get outside that often, but I kept feeling weird staring at the trees for a while... It's just something to get totallly lost in.
I need to go out in the woods more often man.
Yeah man, nature tripping is by far the best kind.
So hey PD, I know I haven't been around much. Honestly I've been having some real issues with anxiety and depression for the past few weeks, especially this past week. I know it's mostly because I've been chasing highs since the summer ended. I end up doing it every year to some extent... during the summer I feel so amazing that life just seems to say to me, "experience me to the fullest!" and for me that often includes chemical enhancement. This past summer was quite honestly one of the best and most magical of my life, and as Fall started to really set in I started to lose that natural glow, as I always do. And instead of just allowing myself to be affected by the natural and inevitable yearly downturn in energy, I start to try to fill it with euphoria by any means necessary. In this case it was empathogens, first methylone a month and a half ago, and then after a while, I decided to give propylhexedrine a shot after some decent experiences with low doses in the Spring. But this time, I had such a good initial effect from it that I used it quite a bit within a short period of time. The last time I felt really good was on Halloween, where I had some propylhexedrine and also about 110mg of methylone (and had an amazing night with friends hat I really loved).
But then after that I started feeling really anxious. Also at that time I completely stopped using loperamide, which I had been using to help with post-acute withdrawal opiate restlessness and anxiety. So I could tell the propylhexedrine was being bad to my body and mind, but I felt so anxious that I took it a couple of days in a row. The last time was last Monday, and I actually really felt the damage I was doing and pretty much realized I'd have been better off taking mostly anything else. That night I felt overheated and feverish, and the next day I was sick, whether from a virus I caught or aftereffects, I don't know. But I do know that I didn't feel fully better until this morning physically, and I've had crushing anxiety and an overall bleak feeling until today, and in fact for most of the day I was wallowing in really intense anxiety and wondering how I was going to get through this winter. But fortunately I broke through that this evening for the first time in a while... my wife and I smoked some JWH-018 and I took a big trip down memory lane into some memories of early childhood that hadn't been accessed in ages, including some with the intense sensory memory of what it was like to be a tiny child, with perspective being so much different than it is now. Reliving moments of childhood, it was like suddenly the blockage to my energy was broken and joy bubbled back in. We watched a bunch of funny stuff on TV and talked for hours, and I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time... my throat hurts a little from it but it's obviously worth it.
So she went to bed about 2 hours ago and I've been writing in a section of my book ever since, which I hadn't done in 3 weeks due to feeling so anxious and uninspired. In fact, the lack of writing has probably been a big source of my anxiety. I hope I don'[t go back to feeling out of whack tomorrow. But if I do, at least this reprieve has reminded me that I put my brain and body through a lot, and it's still recovering from long-term opiate addiction. So it's bound to be a hard time for me. Plus it snowed today and winter is right around the corner, and that's always pretty tough for me too. But the point is that it's just going to be a test, and I've got to make it through and keep my goals in sight. And then it'll be Spring again and the world will become brand new as it does every year, making the winter's trials completely worth it.
So now that I've written a Bluelight novel, I will probably write a little more in my actual one and then go to sleep so my body can continue to recover. And I've got to remember (one of these days I will be able to remember) to refrain from putting my mind and body under any more needless stress with drugs I have no reason to be using.
I love you all
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
