Concerned with my flatmate, and how to deal with his problems

[insanit_e]

Hey people of TDS, I haven't posted in this section for a while, but I have a feeling you will be the best and wisest people to answer for me

My friend Matt* moved in to my 2-bedroom house in July of this year, and we signed a new 12 month lease. He is one of my best friends, and I have known him for years, since we met in high school. We are now 22.

He is the kind of guy that seems really rough when you meet him (or so he likes to think), he is really into his aussie hip-hop and wears hoods and is into grafitti and swears constantly and talks himself up, how much pussy he gets, how much people are scared of him, what a 'hard cunt' he is, etc.

I am the total opposite- a really peaceful hippie chick, but we get along really well because we just know each other really well and are a good balance i guess. I've known him since before he had this 'image', and i know that its all completely fake. He NEVER gets 'pussy', as far as i know he hasn't had sex since high school, and even then it was quite minimal. Though he would NEVER admit that, and i know for a fact he constantly lies about girls having sex with him in front of his friends. He has never actually been in a fight in his life (again lies about that), and is generally just completely insecure and unhappy.

I saw this the other night when he was really drunk and completely let down his guard, he was crying and crying and saying all this stuff that i already guess about how unhappy he has always been, how he cant be happy because he has never known what happiness is, he doesnt know how to be himself because he doesnt know who himself is, he hates himself and is repulsed at himself, and completely builds up this image of a massive ego and constant bragging just to cover all this up. The next day, of course, he was all like "fuck i was sooo drunk last night, i never get all emotional like that, i had no idea what i was saying" etc, but of course i've known that was true for years. And its not the first time i've seen him break down like that.

But basically- i think most of his problems and unhappiness come down to 3 things:
1) his lifestyle.
2) his stubbornness, which makes him refuse to believe that his unhappiness is from anything in his lifestyle, but rather everyone else just fucking him over all the time and making him angry (anger- such an easy way to express sadness, because its directed outwards rather than inwards)
3) things in his past that he is too ashamed about to try and deal with and confront

One thing he really really really wants more than anything (one thing i am certain about, even though he wouldn't admit it it) is a girlfriend, and i also think the fact he's never had one, and hasn't had much sexual experience is a massive shame/embarrassment factor for him, contributing largely to his depression. but he can never get girls to like him. I could tell him why in 1 second, but I don't think that would be the right thing to do. Its not just a simple thing of him saying or doing something wrong, its about the entire energy he exudes, way he talks, things he talks about, i feel like by telling him i'd be attacking some things at his very core.

But i just feel that until he realises that HE needs to make changes, he's constantly just unhappy all the time, and this manifests in extreme anger and aggressive energy, constantly. He blames everything for his unhappiness- our house, girls, stupid people, this and that- anything but himself. I'm not saying he should blame himself, but rather accept responsiblity that he is the only one that can change his situation.

The thing is, until he sorts through his problems, I am finding more and more that I am the one having to deal with it all, and i'm starting to find it really difficult. He is constantly bringing his aggressive energy into our house, rearing up at everything, saying negative things constantly, scaring my more timid friends away. I love him to bits, and i'd say 75% of the time i love living with him, but the times that he is like this are really difficult, and they are becoming more frequent as his depression deepens.

I don't know how to help him either, or which way to go about it. Part of me thinks one day i'll just snap at him and say all the things going on in my head, like "you know why you're unhappy? its because of this, this, this, this ......." etc. I think he needs to see some harsh realities. But knowing how unhappy he is deep down, i don't know if that approach will just break him even more. But the way i've been going about it so far, which is in a really caring, understanding, listening way, trying to calmly talk through things whilst still saying the things he wanted to hear- doesn't seeem to be working for either of us- he is still unhappy, and i am having to deal with his aggression all the time. He is sooo stubborn and proud, (and poor), that he also would refuse to see a councellor or anything.

I am pretty much 1 of his only 2 good friends, the other of which is one of his "hard cunt" mates that I doubt he could confide in. So i feel like such a huge responsibility to be there for him and to help him, and i love him so much and want him to be happy and want to be there for him, but at the same time its so hard for me having to deal with it every single day, its starting to bring me down too.

Sorry for such a long post, i really appreciate those who took the time to read it. Does anybody have any advice for me?

Thanks

 

[Lolie]

There's honestly no reason not to tell him that alpha male posturing doesn't impress anyone and is a huge turn off for a lot of people, especially women. It's entirely reasonable to ask him to tone it down and save it for when he's alone with his mates.

It's actually very difficult to be around someone who blames everything but themselves for their problems. It really depletes your emotional energy and you don't want to find yourself staying away from home to avoid dealing with his aggression. What you can change is how you respond to his behaviour. It's perfectly OK - and totally necessary - to set boundaries on how long and how often you'll listen to him whine.

You're not responsible for his happiness but you are responsible for ensuring that his unhappiness doesn't damage your own life. Some people have insight into how their own behaviour affects their lives at 22 and some don't gain it until much later, and without that insight he's unlikely to see the need to change or seek help.

Hard as it is to watch someone you care about floundering, trying to rescue other people normally does more harm than good. Setting some solid boundaries is probably one of the most useful things you can do at the moment.

 

[theartofwar]

he's a guy and he's 22, 3 years ago I was nuttier than squirrel shit - guys take awhile to grow up lol.

I would talk to him about how he interacts w/you and anyone who cannot see thru the tough guy persona (lol one of my all time favorites btw !!) no reason for you to have to deal with it because he isn't willing to address the real problems yet!

 

[Lolie]

If you want to try some aversion therapy, take him to a bar which is full of 40-something men who are still doing the alpha male pissing contest bullshit - it might make him realise just how pathetic it looks from the outside.

 

[bluedom]

You know in addiction therapy they have the concept of the addict and the codependent. I'm just going to submit the idea (no offense intended) that your relationship is kind of like that. It seems youI're enabling his behaviour rather than taking the tough love approach which is what will really work in terms of we know thusfar.

Bear in mind what you're doing is probably what I'd also do because I consider myself a nice person, etc. but in the end what you're doing is harming him with the enabling. I think he does need to lose his one friend he can breakdown to, etc. to understand that his actions, his way of life, that whatever he's doing, is simply not working out. Until he gets there, he won't be motivated to change. You don't have to tell him what to do, but you can point out that what he's doing right now isn't working out for him (even if he disagrees on the outside he'll think about it).

 

[Lolie]

^^^

Yep. The whole idea that other people need rescuing and that their lives will fall apart without us is a recipe for a relationship without healthy boundaries. "Parenting" our friends and partners is in many ways arrogant as it implies that we know better than they do what is best for them and that they're incapable of being responsible for their own lives and their own choices. It actually encourages people to abdicate responsibility and protects them from the natural consequences of their behaviour.

 

[brimz]

Does your mate drink alot ? I don't mean getting pissed a couple of times a week but everyday or something ? From what i can glean it seems your pal has serious self esteem problems . These often come hand in hand with drink escpecially the ways hes been acting out n lying .

 

[Mariposa]

But i just feel that until he realises that HE needs to make changes, he's constantly just unhappy all the time, and this manifests in extreme anger and aggressive energy, constantly. He blames everything for his unhappiness- our house, girls, stupid people, this and that- anything but himself. I'm not saying he should blame himself, but rather accept responsiblity that he is the only one that can change his situation.

The thing is, until he sorts through his problems, I am finding more and more that I am the one having to deal with it all, and i'm starting to find it really difficult. He is constantly bringing his aggressive energy into our house, rearing up at everything, saying negative things constantly, scaring my more timid friends away. I love him to bits, and i'd say 75% of the time i love living with him, but the times that he is like this are really difficult, and they are becoming more frequent as his depression deepens.

I don't know how to help him either, or which way to go about it. Part of me thinks one day i'll just snap at him and say all the things going on in my head, like "you know why you're unhappy? its because of this, this, this, this ......." etc. I think he needs to see some harsh realities. But knowing how unhappy he is deep down, i don't know if that approach will just break him even more. But the way i've been going about it so far, which is in a really caring, understanding, listening way, trying to calmly talk through things whilst still saying the things he wanted to hear- doesn't seeem to be working for either of us- he is still unhappy, and i am having to deal with his aggression all the time. He is sooo stubborn and proud, (and poor), that he also would refuse to see a councellor or anything.

Hey insanit_e,

Need a new flatmate lol? I could have almost written this to the letter as I have a similar problem at home. Mine's a lot older, though, and blames his brother (first) and the world (second) for his problems. Also, he is passive-aggressive, not at all macho/tough-guy.

I agree with the person above who said there might be some codependency happening. You're one of a very few people Matt can be himself around, and that 'self' of his is stuck in a cycle of drinking and being depressed - it can absolutely drag the caretaker down.

So what does the caretaker do? Well, I am learning that there is really no nice or diplomatic way to say "if you are unhappy with your life, you need to make some changes" beyond those simple words. If that constitutes tough love, then so be it. Can you put up with him until the expiration of your lease? How long are you going to give him before he has to shape up or ship out? You shouldn't have to feel like your roommate is creeping out your friends.

My temporary solution (as I cannot move without replacing myself with another roommate) has been to stay busy out of the house a lot. I know it's avoidant and that's not fair to me. If you can have a talk with your friend about the tough-guy bullshit, would things really get better?

I think it's worth a try. So is the aversion therapy. Maybe your roommate should have a cry in his beer after meeting some real tough guys or something.

Good luck - I most definitely empathize.

 

[Lolie]

Does your mate drink alot ? I don't mean getting pissed a couple of times a week but everyday or something ? From what i can glean it seems your pal has serious self esteem problems . These often come hand in hand with drink escpecially the ways hes been acting out n lying .

Getting pissed a couple of times a week is still drinking "a lot" - something which is difficult to realise when you're surrounded by people doing the same thing.

 

[calmAnimal]

does he act like a tough guy with you? or does he let his guard down?

i know you said he was crying the other night but when its just you and him and hes not wasted does he still act like a tool?

if he doesn't then id say you should give him a talk. just let him know how its affecting you and your life. tell him that you dont care what he does when he's on his own but when hes around you, it wont be tolerated.