My Dark Side

[happyland]

sorry if this is the wrong palce..

So yesterday made 1 year since i fell in love with MDMA, i was responsible at first but soon lost that responsibility. as i was loosing responsibility i started to learn more and more about MDMA and how it worked. i thought supplements and antioxidants would counter the affect or at least slowed it down.. it might have but who knows...it made me feel more protected and gave me the idea that i could do more. i even got a test kit. i like to consider my self a smart e-tard if thats possible. i later found my self on a 3 week binge, my body told me faaak you and brain said slow your roll! i listened for a month in a half befor i began my journey down the wrong path. the week befor 4/20 i gave in and rolled. from that point on i rolled every weekend for 2.5 months befor i gave my self a 2 week break. about a month ago i guess you can say i gave up? starting rolling 3-4 days straight even if it was by myself at home during the day i still had fun..rationalized why i should take one more. ive experienced the zaps, the scary vivid dreams, and most recently anxiety and panic attacks. i can see my cognitive function getting worse. my appearance is starting to show its wear and tear. i think about it i dont really like my self anymore, dont like what I see in the mirror.

things are still fun but the negatives out weigh the positive by a ton. my mind/emotions are all over the place, i dont know what to believe. i dont want to deal with this anymore so i keep rolling trying to hide from the problems. im so close to telling my dad everything just so i know i will get the help but i feel like there would be too many consequences if i did that. i want to do it on my own or at least give it a try. i have a great opportunity to do this. next week im moving back home to Hawaii. ill have a job, have some med insurrence and best of all no bills!

i feel like the root of the problem runs deeper than it appears, my mom got sick when i was 14 and needed life support, i thought eveything was fine but than began to feel like i was a burden to my family cuz they were taking care of my mom most of the time. i guess i made an attempt to ask my dad to send me to a shrink but never got around to it. i started smoking weed at 16 found out hey this stuff is awesome i dont have to deal with anything anymore i can smoke it all away. it made me feel "normal" wasnt sad anymore and was having the best junior and senior year ever! i was frens with everybody, played sports and was a stoner that smoked everyone out haha. 5yrs later i discovered MDMA...holy fuck!! this is fucking amazing!! one year later its proof that it was too good to be true. all those friends i made some of them really really close..i pushed my self away from them because they were worried about me and always giving me shit for doing that stuff so i said fuck it i just wont talk to them..i didnt tell them that i just stop hanging out with them, were still friends but its not the same...i hear what they say to my other friends and it sucks because they care so much but yet i distance my self farther.

i guess what im trying to get at is that i think maybe seeing a shrink? psychiatrist? psychologist? would be the best start for me. but whats the difference? do i pick a random one and give it a shot? sorry i just smoked befor this for give my grammar skills. thanks for reading

 

[MeddieFrac]

Well if you are open to getting on medications to solve your problems, hit up a psychiatrist. If you want to talk and work through your problems with therapy, talk to a psychologist. I am going to see a psychiatrist today and get some damn Xanax or something for some anxiety.

Hope it all works out! Good luck in Hawaii!

 

[calmAnimal]

this is completely MY opinion but i would say dont go and get anti-anxiety meds or any other meds untill you have exhausted all other options. try working through your problems. and definently give yourself a break from the drugs. i'd say even cut down on the weed cuz that can cause alot of anxiety as well. talk to a therapist or anyone who you feel you can talk to openly.

im around the same age as you and kinda had a similar story. when i found drugs i was like "OMG this is perfect, everything i need in a fucking bag!!!!" alot of my friends are just pot heads but weed just wasnt enough for me after awhile. its kinda weird cuz i always respected E for some reason but my opiate habit got completely out of control. anyway just take a break and stop using drugs as a "fix" for your problems.

i got myself in some big trouble and will b doing a 3 yr bid cuz i just wanted to get off empty. i will say that gedtting caught snapped me out of my drug induced haze and let me see how big of a fuck up i was becoming. i have now been completely clean of everything for nearly 4 months. and i am only beggining to see how much i really fucked myself over with drugs.

anways good luck!

 

[happyland]

this is completely MY opinion but i would say dont go and get anti-anxiety meds or any other meds untill you have exhausted all other options. try working through your problems. and definently give yourself a break from the drugs. i'd say even cut down on the weed cuz that can cause alot of anxiety as well. talk to a therapist or anyone who you feel you can talk to openly.

yes i totally agree with you. i want to get everything in order and sort them out slowly. i love xanax but i dont want to create another problem. Rolling has made me dislike weed alot more now, befor i could smoke up a storm and be fine but now when i smoke alot i get alot more paranoid then i ever did and yeah not fun anymore and they sometimes trigger brain zaps for me. but the good thing is i can see my self stopping completely in a few months

very similar story's indeed, you respect E and I respect Opiates haha. i guess getting in trouble was a blessing in disguise. anyways im glad your doing good now! hope you keep it up! and Thanks for advice!! and good luck to you guys too

 

[K-Dazed]

If I were you I'd go see a psychologist. You yourself even said you start smoking to not have to deal with your problems anymore. Is this the same reason you use MDMA? Even if you have fought through those problems, I'd still advise seeing a psychologist just so you have someone to talk to who won't judge you and who will give you a sound honest opinion. To me it seems that you're psychologically addicted to MDMA, and that needs to stop - that shit will fuck with you hard (just like every other drug) unless you respect it.

Do you have a connect in Hawaii? If not, I'd strongly advise not even thinking about trying to find one. Focus on things like your (new?) job and building up your life. Also, stay away from the psychiatrist. I've always been under the impression that it's better to deal with your problems straight-up than just throw meds on top of it. The anxiety, paranoia, brain zaps, panic attacks etc will all go away if given time, and assuming you don't take MDMA.

 

[happyland]

If I were you I'd go see a psychologist. You yourself even said you start smoking to not have to deal with your problems anymore. Is this the same reason you use MDMA? Even if you have fought through those problems, I'd still advise seeing a psychologist just so you have someone to talk to who won't judge you and who will give you a sound honest opinion. To me it seems that you're psychologically addicted to MDMA, and that needs to stop - that shit will fuck with you hard (just like every other drug) unless you respect it.

Do you have a connect in Hawaii? If not, I'd strongly advise not even thinking about trying to find one. Focus on things like your (new?) job and building up your life. Also, stay away from the psychiatrist. I've always been under the impression that it's better to deal with your problems straight-up than just throw meds on top of it. The anxiety, paranoia, brain zaps, panic attacks etc will all go away if given time, and assuming you don't take MDMA.

yeah once i found out about MDMA i fell in love, i thought it was doing me good in the begining but slowly but surely it started making things worst. yup psychologist it is.

sadly yes i have a very good one back home but prices are double so thats a good thing. not necessarily a new job(its my dads business) but new opportunity's to learn the business and maybe earn some extra cash. i feel like ive gone through this phase a couple of times, where im tired of the bs so i try to give my self a break but i only make it up too 3 weeks and justify why i should roll..but this time i feel alot more positive and motivated so it hopefull itll get me by. anyways thanks for the advice