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Passive Aggressive Mum

T

Teetowl

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 6, 2009
Messages
115
Location
Leeds
Well I can tell you a short story to help people understand my mum,

Me and my sister used to get a lift off her to school as you do when you're 10 and 13, We would be ready watching tv. Then my mum would come down stairs and scream at us for making her late.. this continued to the point we sat on the bottom of the stairs with all our school stuff next to us but we would still some how be blamed even to the point where we sat in the car...

I am now 20, alot has happened I have a 3 year old sister (Quite the age gap) and I am quite frankly sick of my mums dramas all the time to the point where I often feel like just saying I do not want to know you anymore.

When ever I see her (The same with my older sister) I feel like I need a hoilyday for 2 weeks.. or more mayby a month because She watches anything you do tells you your doing it wrong, If I am sat down if I am doing something or not she will ask me to turn the light on even if shes next to it.

She randomly blames yells at me its always a massive tention around at the house and quite frankly I can feel myself breaking down.. often but the thing is I can see myself starting to be like her as well I no longer live with my mum because well its just too much. The latest update of her full hearted dramatized life is her ex boyfriend (The father of my younger sister and also an ex smack rat whos only 25) has gotten another women pregnant which he is now with, but just to make it worse my mum is still shagging him.

I am now currently living with my dad (which is better than my mum but still I am not happy there) I see my mum once a week but I cant stop getting angry and fustraited with what she is doing and just to add to all this shit shes just been on the phone to me telling me her ex dont even want this baby with this women because shes doing it to make him stay, I told her bullshit I bet hes saying that just because your still fucking and


Back to the point I just don't know how to handle her anymore I am sick of dramas and I don't want to turn around to my mum and say never speak to me again but I just don't know what to do anymore.
 
You can take control of often you see her and for how long, she can't control this but may try by emotional manipulation. Don't fall for it. If you saw her once a fortnight for an hour that would be more than many parents get to see their kids, and I'm sure you can put up with her BS for a short period of time. If you want to spend time with your little sister you can take her out for the day. You'll probabaly have residual guilt as she's ingrained it in you but you've got to do what you've got to do to be happy, and much as you may love her, you don't enjoy being around her. Thats not your fault.
You can try communicating with her but in my experience people like this have been this way for many years, and you're not gonna change them. Just manage it in a way that you can deal with.
 
badandwicked said:
You can take control of often you see her and for how long, she can't control this but may try by emotional manipulation. Don't fall for it. If you saw her once a fortnight for an hour that would be more than many parents get to see their kids, and I'm sure you can put up with her BS for a short period of time. If you want to spend time with your little sister you can take her out for the day. You'll probabaly have residual guilt as she's ingrained it in you but you've got to do what you've got to do to be happy, and much as you may love her, you don't enjoy being around her. Thats not your fault.
You can try communicating with her but in my experience people like this have been this way for many years, and you're not gonna change them. Just manage it in a way that you can deal with.
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Communication with my mum is like trying to shit a cucumber she will ask advice and then do the most wrong doing thing. I feel like just moving away to a far far away land.

I am not sure she would be acceptable if I said that... last week when I seen her I got a migraine within the first half hour of being there went to bed about 3 hours later but was still some how getting shouted at from downstairs sometimes
 
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It's kind of hard to set boundaries with family while you're still dependent on them in anyway. I'd suggest that you find a counsellor who can be both someone to vent to (venting within the family itself or a common social circle only causes more drama) and also give you some strategies for distancing yourself from your mother's behaviour.

By definition, if you've grown up around that kind of emotional chaos your own behaviour and reactions to stuff will be dysfunctional and that's something you can start addressing right now to avoid repeating the cycle. Your own behaviour is the only behaviour over which you have any control and it's what you need to focus on. You aren't your mother's therapist and you shouldn't be cast in that role by her or try to assume it yourself.

Exploring ways that you can increase your independence would also be useful at this point. Life will happen around you anyway if you don't set goals so this is the time to start creating the adult life you want for yourself rather than just settling for whatever comes your way.

As an adult, people have as much or as little power in your life as you choose to give them. Because you've grown up without healthy boundaries you don't know how to set and maintain them now. You really need to make learning how to do that a priority because it's something which will have a huge impact on all your future interpersonal relationships.
 
Lolie said:
It's kind of hard to set boundaries with family while you're still dependent on them in anyway. I'd suggest that you find a counsellor who can be both someone to vent to (venting within the family itself or a common social circle only causes more drama) and also give you some strategies for distancing yourself from your mother's behaviour.

By definition, if you've grown up around that kind of emotional chaos your own behaviour and reactions to stuff will be dysfunctional and that's something you can start addressing right now to avoid repeating the cycle. Your own behaviour is the only behaviour over which you have any control and it's what you need to focus on. You aren't your mother's therapist and you shouldn't be cast in that role by her or try to assume it yourself.

Exploring ways that you can increase your independence would also be useful at this point. Life will happen around you anyway if you don't set goals so this is the time to start creating the adult life you want for yourself rather than just settling for whatever comes your way.

As an adult, people have as much or as little power in your life as you choose to give them. Because you've grown up without healthy boundaries you don't know how to set and maintain them now. You really need to make learning how to do that a priority because it's something which will have a huge impact on all your future interpersonal relationships.
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At this current moment I feel like doing a runner from all my family to be honest.. I feel like alot of my parents habbits are rubbing off onto me I am hopefully moving in june to leeds so far enough for them not to drop in and piss me off every weekend but not too far to visit back or for them to visit every now and again.
 
Teetowl said:
At this current moment I feel like doing a runner from all my family to be honest.. I feel like alot of my parents habbits are rubbing off onto me I am hopefully moving in june to leeds so far enough for them not to drop in and piss me off every weekend but not too far to visit back or for them to visit every now and again.
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Doing a runner isn't always a bad thing provided that you realise the underlying issues still need to be addressed. What it can do is gain you some breathing space and some distance while you work on those issues.

I make a point of ensuring that I don't let people with boundary issues into my space. That way, I can just leave when their behaviour starts crossing the line. Disengaging - whether physically or on the phone - is pretty effective provided you're consistent about it and you don't allow yourself to be talked out of it. If you refuse to engage people unless they're behaving like adults they will either behave like adults or they'll find someone else to be their scapegoat - either way you won't be the one subjected to their bullshit.

I can't remember who said that you teach people how to treat you, but it my experience it's profoundly true - and people will treat you as badly or as well as you let them. If you set the bar for how you expect to be treated low, people will deliver on your low expectations. Set it high and they'll respond to that (or find an easier target).
 
Lolie said:
Doing a runner isn't always a bad thing provided that you realise the underlying issues still need to be addressed. What it can do is gain you some breathing space and some distance while you work on those issues.

I make a point of ensuring that I don't let people with boundary issues into my space. That way, I can just leave when their behaviour starts crossing the line. Disengaging - whether physically or on the phone - is pretty effective provided you're consistent about it and you don't allow yourself to be talked out of it. If you refuse to engage people unless they're behaving like adults they will either behave like adults or they'll find someone else to be their scapegoat - either way you won't be the one subjected to their bullshit.

I can't remember who said that you teach people how to treat you, but it my experience it's profoundly true - and people will treat you as badly or as well as you let them. If you set the bar for how you expect to be treated low, people will deliver on your low expectations. Set it high and they'll respond to that (or find an easier target).
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To be honest I have tried everything with my mum, Balling my eyes out, Shouting my mouth off, I have been kicked out on multiple occasions in the past.

Now its like I have gave in I just do what shes says or ignore her... Or make nasty comments sometimes of what I think Or more saying it how it is.

An example of last week: Could you JUST clean this stuff off the sofa? "Where do you want me to put all that?" WHY IS IT SOO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU TO DO ANYTHING CANT YOU EVEN FUCKING HELP ME?!!?! ARE YOU THAT LAZY YEAH YOU JUST SIT ON YOUR ARSE ALL DAY! .... Me: *Sigh*

Then when I try to cook her anything she leans over my sholder and kind of makes comments like "Why you doing it like this? Isnt it easyer to boil them first" or some shit like that and its just constantly while your cooking I feel like chucking the pan in her face and telling her to do it her sodding self but bite my toungue so I try to keep out of doing cooking now then she still find something to moan about all the time and I just cant win, ever.
 
^^^

"I'm going now". Those three words can transform your life. Say them often and then do it.

Some people prefer to give a warning - "If you don't stop behaviour X I'm going" but I find that tends to start another tangential conflict - but 90% of the time the people whose behaviour is unacceptable know perfectly well what they're doing wrong so it's unnecessary.

And yeah, it is tempting to respond to childish behaviour in kind - always being the responsible, mature one gets old after a while - but it puts you back at square one and also tends to encourage a mindset of "winning" rather than doing what's best for your own sanity and well-being. Your goal is not to change your mother, it's to stop her negative behaviour affecting you and your life.
 
Lolie has given good advice throughout this thread. You sound stressed out OP and I don't blame you, but try re-reading this thread in a few days so that you can take the advice in properly and figure out practical ways to implement it. Your mother has spent your whole life in control, and now it's time for you to take control.
 
badandwicked said:
Lolie has given good advice throughout this thread. You sound stressed out OP and I don't blame you, but try re-reading this thread in a few days so that you can take the advice in properly and figure out practical ways to implement it. Your mother has spent your whole life in control, and now it's time for you to take control.
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I also agree its good advice and no I don't think I am in the current state of mind eligible to take much in at the moment Thankyou to the both of you btw :)
 
i very much agree w/ "i'm going now" when mum starts her shit.
i was the accidental kid and when the family disintegrated when i was 13, 14 yrs old i was sent off to school so i wasn't around to fuck up anyone's plans, y'know... i never went back, stayed away at school and worked during summer breaks. after a few years i only had contact once or twice a year like xmas and mother's day. for awhile i felt kinda sad about it, tried to reach out when i was about 30 and she was 70-ish, but nothing had changed a bit, same rants about me ruining her life, etc, etc, ad nauseum, same old craziness.
my father disappeared into insanity, drifted in and out of "retreats" aka loony bins, and my brothers, who were much older, had virtually no contact w/ me either. it was very hurtful but i knew, even as a teenager, that keeping my distance was the only healthy choice.
it sounds like your mum has some serious problems. you're an adult and can make the choice to be around her or not. i seriously doubt she's going to change her ways now. you have to do what is healthy for you and not allowing someone abusive in your life is most certainly a healthy choice. if you allow someone to treat you in an abusive manner they will continue that behavior.

do your best at school and make a plan to get on with your life away from people who are all about blame and misery. just because you are related by blood does not give her the right or reason to treat you in a hateful, hurtful manner.
all apologies... i'm a bit slammed on these vodka and lemonade things so i hope i am making some bit of sense.
best of luck to you.
-izzy
 
Heya come back to this thread to reread it, me and my mum are not on talking terms at the moment she screamed at me to leave her house and never speak to her again and so far we have not spoken she sent me a new years eve texts which was like to everyone but not a personal one.

things have started getting annoying at my dads, His girlfriends a dick head so I have been planning on moving around 100 miles away (From nottingham to Leeds) As its not too far for visits but far enough to not be annoyed and have frequant visits from parents.

I have post phoned moving due to my dad having an operation on his sholder on the 21st and I dont want to leave him unable to do anything for himself. I am not starting to wonder if I should stay to help him his girlfriends just had a go at me for leaving a sock on the floor and a empty shower bottle in the shower.. she don't even live here. I don't feel like she has a right to have a say on how I live in my home its my dads place not hers.

She knows im upset about me and my mum not speaking which we was talking about just half an hour before she had a go at me.. So I dont know if to be selfish and move ASAP or stay to make sure my dad will be ok. I am worried she will push my dad when hes had his op too.. and fuck it up like make him do things.

and izzy thats really shitty I also left school when I was 16 went to college for 3 years and left at 19 just lost my job last week too.
 
I often talk about my psychotic mom here, and yours sounds like mine. I'm now 35, and I saw my mom on my birthday in December. Before that, I hadn't seen her in a year. It will probably be another year again until I see her. I once broke down about 3 years ago after she did something really fucked up, and it was drama she made up and could have gotten me arrested. Basically, I told her that I will never have anything to do with her until she gets professional help. My mom pretends like nothing has happened, but THIS TIME (I've said it before), I've kept my word. 3 years later, she still hasn't seen anyone, so I have not had anything to do with her. I see her maybe once a year, and I even quit calling on birthdays and mother's day. My mother prefers to leech sympathy from people who see me as a horrible daughter instead of seeing a professional to deal with her psychosis and having a relationship with me. I often think my mom is sociopathic, because she doesn't seem to feel bad or admit to wrongdoing...it's always someone else who is to blame.

I know most people will tell you it's a horrible thing to do, and I agree. My mom feeds off of me not seeing her, so she gets sympathy from friends. I think she prefers the attention over having a relationship with me. Unless you live in that drama, you don't understand what it's like. Moms can be just as toxic as anyone else in life. Worse, because she is your mom, so you put up with it more until it's just too much.

I used to be very high strung and manic when I lived with her. She did the same as yours -- always screaming at us for ruining her life. I am sad to say that I am much better since I got out of her house 15 years ago. Stay away from her. Maybe you'll be luckier than me and your mom will prefer to have you in her life and clean up rather than feed off of the sympathy.
 
I also have a "badly behaved mum" as i now call her. She left when I was 13 and my dad kind of shut down, i brought up my little brothers and sisters, but i can remember being relieved when she left, which says a lot. More than 30yrs later she still upsets me. Over the years I have tried many things to try and create a reasonable relationship, but nothing has ever really worked for me or her other children. I didnt speak to her for 2yrs once because she had such a negative effect on my mental and physical health and I am trying now to put some boundaries down so we can have some contact and she can see her grandchildren. But just last month she had me in tears over some spitefull comments over the phone.
My brother felt it was probably too late to expect her to make any meaningful changes, and i sadly agree.
I feel I never had that mum that others had, who was dependable, kind, trustworthy, etc, and i feel sad about it. But I know for my own sanity I cant have her much in my life. and her last bit of drama proved it to me. I have to remind myself that I am not this dissapointing daughter she makes me out to be, but the alright woman and mother that my friends show me I am.
So, I would say make that break away, get on with your life and enjoy it, once you feel settled enough you can give some thought to how much of her you can handle, and try not to let all those negative messages she gave you as a child stay in your head.
I wish you all the best.
bx
 
Heya wanted to update the people in this thread, not posted in ages, I finally moved out in March I now live in leeds 100 miles away from my parents and its great I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders I have my parents visit every now and again, I feel I can speak a little bit more to my mum, With regards to saying she belongs in a jermy kyle show when telling me all these dramas shes been getting upto

I hardly ever see my dad or his shitty gf, he came to visit on his own once ended up he lied to jill so he could come see us (Us being me and my sister as i moved here so i knew someone) appart from that it has been hard at times not having any friends of my own around here but i have just started to make the odd one to hang out with I keep job hunting but seems to not be going anywhere and i can cope with just seeing my mum 2-3 times a year. Me and my sister have a hudge bitch about her once she leaves along with bobby so I can also vent where i could not really vent before and people under stand. I feel like I can finally work on the kind of person I want to be im trying to get rid of the passive agression i still have which i have learnt from my mum, my sister is in the same boat too. so were tackling it together thankfully i dont have another half so I dont take it out on anyone. :)

I hope everything is going fine with you guys
 
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