OP, you sound just like me. I tripped on magic mushrooms last weekend in hopes of healing not only the psychological damage of an acid trip gone horribly wrong about a year ago, but a mescaline trip gone almost as bad back in December. Since the mescaline I'd been having panic attacks and using benzo's, alcohol, and anything else my grubby and scrabbling hands could clutch onto to suppress them. Finally, I said, "Fuck it" and ate a sixteenth of an ounce of mushrooms.
And it healed. It healed! My panic has been significantly reduced. My urge to drug myself has been even further reduces; I've used no drugs at all since Saturday (when I tripped)! Less than a week is not long enough to judge the lasting effects of something (or lack thereof), but all indications so far point in an optimistic direction.
Mushrooms are much gentler in revealing the grotesqueries of one's personaliy. Acid showed me what was disgusting about myself through mockery, viciousness, condescension, and panic. Mescaline was pure panic followed by coolness. Mushrooms brought their own anxiety at first, but it was extremely manageable, even easier to manage than marijuana anxiety. Following that, they became almost as cool as mescaline, and far more revelatory, soothing, and insightful.
I disagree with seeking "medical advice" re: anxiety. That'll lead you to benzo's and therefore brainlessness. Not to be overly caustic, but the mental fog, memory and learning impairment, and general "meh" factors of benzo's make them useless for anything but heading off an acute panic attack.
It all depends on whether or not you're willing to work through your issues. The value of the mushroom teacher is in it's ability to perturb the mind. By perturbing the mind first it is allowed to grow, just like the way muscle is cut down and then grows back stronger. This is a long process, as much about the hours and days following the trip as the trip itself. Don't get hung up on looking for insight, this will only trap you. Let what happens arise on its own.
The mushroom is a powerful change agent, but you sort of have to let it take you where it wants to go. Only by lending yourself over to the energy will you be able to use it. Think of it like a wave. If you stand motionless in its path you're going to get smacked with a wall of water. But if you ride the wave it will carry you gently, as if you are floating. So too the power of the mushroom will smack against the obstinate mind with violent force, but with the yielding mind it will be gracious and nurturing.
When that first rise begins to hit you, you can either become overwhelmed and fight it, leading to a pattern of fear, frustration and anxiety, or you can accept it and ride it, leading to feelings of bliss, peace, and edification.
The higher the dose, the stronger the wave.
Amen. I had to suffer incredibly through my LSD and mescaline trips to finally learn to let go a little and DEAL with shit rather than trying to be a tyrant over my own mind. Mushrooms showed me --gently-- that I'm too self-centered and thoughtless. I voiced these realizations out loud, and fought through the initial mental recoiling away from these honest self-criticisms to accept and even take joy in them.
I think music and drawing utensils are a bad, contrived idea, though. I would advise either darkness and silence, or being in the presence of someone you love who is also tripping. I've tried both approaches on different psychedelics, and found them both rewarding in different ways, whereas music really is just mathematically pleasing mind-drivel.
