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suggestions on what to do with my brother

Jabberwocky

Jabberwocky

Frumious Bandersnatch
Joined
Nov 3, 1999
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he started with oxys and has now moved onto H..its been going for for maybe close to a year..but its gotten worse over the passed 4 months (mood, stealing, shady, lies, treated everyone like shit, etc). he was forging checks, thankfullly my mom caught him, and hes also stolen our video games, money, and other shit around the house. after the last incident he was kicked out till he agreed to let us put him in rehab, or if he pissed clean...he pissed clean but i think he may have used synthetic urine, maybe not..i just asked my mom to keep a closer eye next time. and now since he's back the stealing just started again. we don't let him drive anymore, he has no cell phone, and like he still won't agree to go to rehab. he's 18 btw so we can't force him to. for the first time i went after him physically and put him on the ground, he was raging and WDing i'm sure. and he kept mouthing off so i put him on the ground....idiot is psychotic enough to call the police...then i tell him you're really think they'll take a junkies word over your 3 sober family members? he ran off before they got there lol. anyways do we let him stay in the house and comes to his senses? kick him out with the possibility he could end up even wore off....then again he might realize he wants to be back home and actually agree to rehab or quit.


suggestions, thoughts, or experiences?
 
I'm going through a similar siuation. My brother is back using heroin again. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. No one can say anything to convince him he has a problem, he has to see it for himself, and this usually means reaching a rock bottom. I think your parents need to set some boundaries. Like no using in the house, etc and then if he doesn't stick to it he has to be thrown out! For me personally I was thrown out, and spending that time on the streets, dopesick in the cold really helped me realise I needed to sort it out. I feel for you man, I know what it's like, but the reality of it is he has to find his own way, and any pressure to sort it out may make it worse.

Hope it works out ok mate!
 
i'm thinkin if we just keep hassling him and knagging at him and questioning him he'll get annoyed finally and realize how much nice things he had like a phone, and driving privileges. but next time something comes up stolen i really think i'm gonna smash his face in.
 
Yeah let him know how you feel for sure, and don't take any shit off him, if he steals something let him see the consequences. Just try not to repeatedly tell him he needs rehab etc, as from my experience it will make it worse.
 
Tickle My Pickle said:
i'm thinkin if we just keep hassling him and knagging at him and questioning him he'll get annoyed finally and realize how much nice things he had like a phone, and driving privileges. but next time something comes up stolen i really think i'm gonna smash his face in.
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You can't annoy him into getting clean. People lose their whole lives to drug abuse - their homes, their careers, their relationships - and if nagging worked that wouldn't happen.

Above all else, you need to protect yourself first - in a lot of cases that requires putting the drug abuser at a considerable distance. You also need to realise that detox and rehab are unlikely to be effective unless your brother actually wants to quit, and a lot of people don't.

He'll either ultimately do it for his own reasons or he won't do it at all. If he wants to make adult choices then he needs to be responsible for them. It sounds like being at home is enabling him to avoid that responsibility as well as exposing your family to the consequences of that irresponsibility.

Honestly, losing his cell phone isn't going to matter that much. Pretty much every addict I know could get any small, portable gadget like a phone, camera, GPS system etc on the street in five minutes. It sounds like you're thinking of him as a naughty kid and not a manipulative, cunning adult.

I don't know what state run programmes are available in your area but I know that if it was my 18 year old doing what your brother's doing (I do have an 18 year old and she was a bit of a wild child for a few years), there's no way he'd be living under my roof holding my home and family hostage to his addiction. Putting up with shit being stolen (tends to get worse until it's mums jewellery being pawned) is simply enabling him and making everyone else in the home put his wants before their own. It needs to stop.

None of you can choose what he does with his life, but you can minimise the impact his bad choices have on your own lives. First you need to get past your emotional attachment to the innocent kid he once was and get honest about who he's become. Who he is right now is not someone with whom people who value themselves and the lives they've worked to create for themselves would want to share a home. Get him out of there.
 
Tickle My Pickle said:
thanks a lot for the detailed response..he i my brother so i dont wanna just give up on him =/
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You can set and maintain clear boundaries without giving up on someone, but I'd seriously suggest getting professional advice about how to do that.

The reality is that a lot of families enable substance abuse in its early stages in the mistaken belief that they can either love or guilt someone into sobriety.

Accepting that the drug of choice is more important to a substance abuser than the people in their lives is really hard for families. And when addiction happens at the onset of adulthood, there's also the loss of whatever dreams and visions the family had for that family member (which may well have been different dreams than the person had for themselves).

I'm normally not big on family therapy, but I think it's absolutely essential for the sober members of the family if you intend your brother to keep living with you. It will help you set appropriate boundaries and support each other through the inevitable chaos which comes from living with an addict, and lessen the chances of your brother being able to play "divide and conquer" with your family.
 
Tickle My Pickle said:
his gf just got out of rehab and said he needs to go to in patient or she won't be with him...he checks in tomorrow
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First of all, hes gotta quit because "he" wants to, not for his gf or anyone else. His gf gave him the ultimate ultimatum & thats good. Maybe he will do it. Ive never done heroin but from what ive read & heard from others, heroin can become your love ignoring everyone else in your life. Lets see what happens & good luck man!
 
Good to hear that he's taking some sort of action. Quitting to avoid losing his GF can still be "doing it for himself" because he does not want to experience those consequences; the same as losing money, job, etc. And there are also people who go into rehab for reasons other than their own and who then realize that they do in fact want to change their lifestyles once they start noticing the benefits. Hopefully you and your family will have a bit more peace in the meantime.
 
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