Asking for help: My worst decision to date

[wolf of the steppe]

I've been struggling with mental illness for more than half my life. I sought help as a minor but was treated as if my deep melancholy and constant worry was just "teenage angst", something I'd grow out of. My family shunning the idea I had a psychological disorder (though heavily prominent in my genealogy). I made it by the skin of my teeth to an independent adulthood but found myself quickly overburdened and turning to drugs to cope. I became an IV heroin user, unable to hold down a job or get through school. A last resort, I moved to a small Texas town to live with my father and get clean. I've been free of illicit substance for ten months now but am in the worst state ever. I drink 18-30 beers a day and haven't left the house in weeks.

I have no idea what to do now. I am 25 and am physically and mentally unable to function normally. My father purposefully enables because he thinks alcohol abuse is acceptable but psychiatric help is a cop-out. I know at my age I should be stronger, but a refrigerator full of beer a room away is a pull stronger than a freedom maybe years from me.

My uncle offered the co-pay for rehab (for the second time) a year ago while I still had insurance, but I turned it down out of loyalty to my Dad. Now I Have no health insurance, no money and no idea how to get out of this situation.

I woke up at 5:00 AM; it's &:30 AM now and I'm on my 6th drink. I feel like I dug myself a grave: An addict turning to a drunk for support, but I don't have anyone else. I'm hoping someone on bluelight can relate/offer advice.

 

[badandwicked]

You need to go and talk to a doctor, not rehab. Would your uncle be willing to pay what this costs? Even if it's a half hour conversation with a GP it will be a small start. If your father would be against this idea you could make something up like you've hurt a muscle in your back or something.
Do you have any other relatives you could move in with? If there's any way at all I think a change of environment would benefit you, when you're feeling able to contemplate it.

 

[dcraver877]

first, somehow you need to get on a maintenance program if your going to self-medicate like that. this shouldn't be too hard. Once you get some subs, and are feeling okay on a day-to-day basis, it won't be so overwhelming to think about what you want to do.

Honestly, it sounds like you need any sort of change to get out of that enviornment.

 

[b4rd]

I can relate fully brother. Although we are dealing with different situations, I believe some similar factors come into play.

I am currently going though an AWFUL bout of depression, due to several immediate deaths in the family. I find that I have NO MOTIVATION to do ANYTHING besides smoke cigs, smoke spice, drink alcohol, and use the occasional suboxone.

I know that the advice given to me is most definitely the best option and most practical/logical thing to do in our situations, but the motivation is the only issue for me.

My advice givers say get a job, stay busy, go to AA, hang out with friends who are not bad influences, ETC. Now I REALLY want a job and a steady income, I just dont want to go looking for it; I'd rather have it come hit me upside the head =/.

Wish I could give advice that has worked for me, but hope I could help you brother =(.

fukkkk. Your going to have to take some serious action and shake yourself so fucking hard!!!

What els can I say? If you want to get out of that hell, you will. It will take time, and be painful as fuck, but one day the sound of a bird will please you again...

Very wise words. I agree, for people like me and you with these sort of depression / addiction coping cycles, only time and much suffering can bring your head out of the fog.

Do not double post - PA

 

[paranoid android]

Id recomend going to see a doctor and going from there. If you have been drinking that much for that long you may not be in the best shape physically. I was a full blown alcoholic when i was young and stopped except for a few relapses when i was 21. Maybe thats why i got off without any organ damage. I did have a hard time coming off it though and the withdrawals where terrible. I tried going cold turkey and was lucky i didnt have a seizure doing that. You really do need some medical supervision when coming off alcohol in my opinion atleast because it can be dangerous.

You need to start looking out for yourself and realize just because your dad may be a alcoholic who thinks getting treatment for a mental disorder is wrong it does not mean you can't go get treatment if you want. You are 25 years old therefor you are responsible for your own mental health. I did not get properly diagnosed until i was 24 and i have no doubt i would have had a easier time if i had been diagnosed earlier and treated. I covered it up with alcohol and just about every drug i could get for years. Getting treated for it made things easier on me.

So i would say go talk to a doctor about getting treated for your alcoholism and mention the psychological problems as well. The bad thing is alcohol will cloud any mental diagnoses since alcohol has such wide ranging effects. Yet another reason to quit

 

[wolf of the steppe]

I was diagnosed at 19 as Major Depressive with Psychotic symptoms and at the time was drug free. Since my move to TX I've seen three GPs who literally told me there was nothing they could do because I was a psychiatric patient and outside their area of expertise (this is a small and very poor border community with shit doctors). There was no psych doc in town until a few months ago. Because of my history of drug abuse he's not very obliging: I'm currently prescribed 20mg Prozac + 50mg 3x daily Hydroxyzine. I realize the alcohol consumption is making the Meds completely worthless. I've told my dad that I cannot drink, that my drinking at this point is keeping me from functioning (school, work...bathing, brushing my teeth) worse then Heroin ever did (I did fine at work and school on H, it was when I could not find dope that I was fucked). Every time I've said this he literally goes out and buys liquor just for me. His rational is that drinking will keep me happy and away from drugs (he's been a heavy drinker for 30 yrs and proud of it). I try to make it through a day without booze but find it impossible when someone comes and puts a beer in my hand so I will feel better.

I had a psychotic break this summer and became suicidal. My dad said just don't do it in his house. I took a bottle of sleeping pills so he beat the shit out of me and took my phone and keys so I couldn't go to the hospital. I wake up having nightmares about sluggin it out with him now.

I know I need therepy and a better Doctor, but the nearest on is over 3hrs away... or a couple miles away in Mexico...

LOL, it's bad enough I'm actually considering walking into Mexico to look for a doc.

...and no, I don't have anyone else to turn to. My Mom "can't handle these problems" and my Uncle retracted his offer when I turned it down the first time.

I've considered applying for disability in order to afford to seek help in another city, but was raised to think that those on welfare are the lowest form of life. I can't convince myself to accept disability for a non-physical ailment.

 

[paranoid android]

Your dad is not only not understanding of your mental illness he's also a abusive asshole. Some way to treat your kid after they have overdosed on sleeping pills right enough. Yeah just beat the shit out of them that will fix everything 8) . Then get them drunk . Great parenting for sure. Also giving someone booze to hel,p the cravings they get for drugs is retarded. Not only does it not work at all but alcohol is one of the worst drugs to get addicted to! You won't have seizures and possibly die coming off opiates but you can off alcohol.

Look after yourself and let your dad go look after himself. If you have to go on disability do it. The last time i checked major depression with psychosis was a disease of the brain and the last time i checked the brain was part of the body so it is a physical ailement! A psychological disorder is often more crippling then a disease which only affect the body such as well for a easy example a broken arm. Thats just the way you where brought up to think hell i was kinda brought up to think that way as well. Thankfully i actually got some sense along the line years ago

Prozac and hydroxyzine arent going to do much to control the psychosis part. Does the prozac help the depression at all or is it doing fuck all? Sometimes a SSRI can help but not all SSRI's work for everyone and alot of people certainly do not respond well to them. Watch for any signs that your mood is becoming worse as well.

So you need to work on getting your alcoholism and major depression with psychotic symptoms treated. That and getting the fuck out of there of course.

 

[blazelate]

Your substituting one addiction with another. You seem to admit you are an addict. Alcoholism is very real.

To me it seems you know you want the help but you dont really know where to turn. I think you need to make some big choices. Maybe move in with a different relative, ask them if theyll give you a shot. You uncle seems very nice and understanding.

You wont be able to stop cold turkey with alcohol, you may die. Cutback to maybe a six pack a day for a week and dont fudge yourself on how much your drinking. If you are with someone safe who has time to be with you that would be the best. You need support man, maybe go to some sort of addiction help groups.

Goodluck. Your in control.

BTW dude you paid taxes for a reason, looking at where your at, i think its perfectly acceptable for you to take welfare or disability.

 

[wolf of the steppe]

With the Prozac I don't sink to the same lows or feel quite as dissociated, but as long as I keep up the booze I realize I can't expect to see any meaningful returns from psych treatment.

I had previously done better when on Effexor and Klonopin, but developed severe rises and falls of blood pressure in reaction to Effexor though I'd been fine on it for over a year. Even the lowest dose now causes me to black out- so thats not an option. And the Psych clinic here is strictly no-Benzo when it comes to current or former substance abusers...
I understand where they come from with the policy- but like you said, the Anti Depressants don't do much to help with the Psychotic symptoms (they do help somewhat to avoid that sort if thinking), and benzos have been of the few things that help with the anxiety/paranoia/ruminative worry.
That's part of the reason I feel that turning to help has been so detrimental: the Irony of it is that I was trusted when I lied, but now I've admitted to illicit drug use every honest word from my mouth is seen as a lie.I've always been the first (and for a long time only) to admit I had a problem
I just can't look at myself in the mirror living a dishonest lifestyle.

-Oh and a big reason I can't get help from my uncle is the loss of my health insurance. Rehabs to expensive, and my family has already lost a great deal of money trying to get me treatment. I sought treatment once before...The rep for the rehab said we had already been cleared with the insurance company and that they were fully certified in dual-diagnosis treatment.
...It was a Narconon- scientologist assholes. When I cried foul I was told we would have to sue to get our $30,000 back (even though I tried to find a different rehab after less than a week) and insure wouldn't reimburse because we found out it wasn't pre-approved.

 

[Asclepius]

Wolf~
Firstly, well done for being free of Narc's for Ten Months, I understand this hasn't 'cured' your situation but this is a huge Strength and will stand to you in the Future!
Your situation sounds painfull. With the toxic-support you've received, and that your still getting, you need all the proper help that you can get.
You feel your family let you down, NOW you NEED to start taking right action for yourself.
Find yourself a support group(Like A.A. etc), you need to reach out to something that will help you get on the road to changing circumstances for yourself, and not be dependant on a Man who is sick and deluded. Loyalty to yourself is the first priority, your Dad does not have the power to live your life for you, let him say what he wants but you dont have to take the 'advice'(or let him know your not taking it); he is probably completely unaware of the damage he is emitting. Takes a lot of guts to be honest about the things you've been honest about. Even though you feel rejected when you told the truth about yourself, this is something you have to just accept for the meantime but do search for people who will accept you admitting to your flaws and failings, and concentrate on accepting yourself as you desire to get better - like you said; ''I just can't look at myself in the mirror living a dishonest lifestyle''
IMO the fact that you've come to this realisation, is another step forward and from my experience of meeting people, who's lives get better from situations similar to yours, down the road you can look back someday and remember the day you started to wake up to yourself. Apologies for projecting results before they've even happened!.... but keep on posting in BL, look for valuable support wherever you can-this is the one thing you can control in your life.

 

[ferrita]

Yep, I can sure relate to your situation. You are switching one addiction for another. Dad isn't helping any at all! I was highly addicted to H for years. 6 years to be exact. Heavy addiction. Then I switched to a very heavy addiction to cocaine. Back when it was good cocaine and wasn't stepped on all to hell and back. Was doing an 8th to a quarter a day. Very heavy addiction. Then I found out I was six months pg. was told I would never get pg as my insides were too messed up female wise. and shazamm...............there I was pg and strung out like mad. Bad thing was I didnt even know I was pg................and I suppose al the abuse I did to my body didnt help any, But It got me off coke. Baby was dead and I had to go through labor, It was horrid. Then I switched to drinking. I would do a quart of Jose Quervo a day. double shot in a rock glass with a coke back. I also bartended, But I'd wake up at six am, and drink straight out of the bottle.......... literally. I drank alll day every day and every night, Got a well deserved DUI And had to pay a shitfuck of fines and go to classes etcn etc.n Then I got pancreatitis................from drinking.........and stopped. between the pancreatitis and the dui and bartending and watching all the drunks on a daily basis I quit...................it took a lot, but I do not drink, not in about 15 years. No H since 1986. No blow since 80, No booze since 97. Now I am just addicted/dependent on pain meds. I have legit health issues and go to pain management. I am very careful and do my best to stay in compliance. Its a fight and sometimes I win and sometimes I lose Even thought I need them physically. I do have to be very carefu; I just did 3 months without meds andit was hell. the withdrawls were hell, but the pain I was going through was hell like I couldn't beleive. I talked to pain dr this week about it adn he put me back on em all after seeing my new mri. Probably surgery bound for sure but at least then I can get off the pills for good. seems like I have spend most my life addicted and switching addictions. hopefully this one will be the last/. God knows I have the huevos to beat any addiction there is, no matter h9ow painfulo it is and I sure will be able to be glad to get off the damn pharmaceuticals. Im on enough of em to kill a dam elephant.

 

[MeddieFrac]

I would much rather be a heroin addict than an alcoholic. That's just me, because I can't STAND hangovers AT ALL. But opiate withdrawal is manageable. I just sleep all day. Sure it kind of sucks, but isn't all that bad for me.

 

[wolf of the steppe]

I managed to go without any booze this morning, I don't think I've ever been so dizzy in my life and I've been having brain zaps that feel like Effexor w/d's, nystigmus and nausea. I popped 1 beer at around noon so I could get some food in my belly and stop twitching at every small noise. One drink didn't do much to help but usually within an hour of my first drink I've put down at least another four...and before 8 in the morning

The mail came an hour and a half ago and I recieved a package of Kratom I'm been waiting on- I almost cried out of happiness.

I've never had Kratom before, just had about 10 grams an hour ago. My stomach was cramped so bad I didn't know if I could keep it down but I managed and am actualy feeling a lot better. It's been close to 24hours since I've had anything but that one beer-
I still am having that vertigo/shock feeling but an much calmer and less sensitive to sound (not jumping out of my skin at the sound of every passing car).

I can't say I'm getting much of an opiate feel out of it, but this might just be the key to cutting my alcohol intake. Fingers crossed, I get impulsive when my dad comes home with the 24 pack. I'm going to try as suggested and cut down to 6 a day for a week or so then 3 then none...just don't want a seizure.

 

[Lolie]

It's pretty hard to get and stay clean if you're living with an enabler/co-abuser, doubly so if your enabler is someone with whom you're emotionally enmeshed.

 

[oliphill]

Ok, in this instance asking for help made you worse, but don't stop now, you've done it now by posting in this thread which is great. I would look online for any agencies that work with alcohol and drug addiction. Maybe start weaning yourself off the booze and check out an AA meeting. If there is anyway of getting in a rehab do that. But don't give up. Knock one beer off your total consumption each day.

I would also say if there is anyway move out of your current living situation, it doesn't sound very healthy! And come and speak to us on here whenever you feel like it, we're always here for ya! Good luck mate!

=But opiate withdrawal is manageable. I just sleep all day.

What sort of opiate withdrawal is that!?

 

[Missykins]

1. Apply for Medicaid.

2. Given the amount that you drink, you should go to a hospital for detox. Trying to do it on your own could be life-threatening. The hospital will initially detox you with benzodiazepines (under most circumstances) but do not expect to be discharged with a benzo script. Benzos work on the same receptors in your brain as alcohol. The last thing you need is a benzo addiction. I think that shit is harder to kick than junk.

3. The hospital will refer you to a psychiatrist who will probably also refer you to an outpatient program. Some do accept Medicaid. Take your medications as directed. Report any side effects to your doctor but don't try to adjust your meds on your own (big mistake).

4. Get out of that house. You can't live with another alcoholic, even if he was the nicest person on the planet. There are halfway houses for alcoholics (Oxford House is one program).

5. Get some structure into your day by going to meetings. Every town has one.

Once you're detoxed, things will improve. That's the first step.

 

[unsettled]

Talk about jumping out of the frying pan and into the flame! Jesus, you need some people who understand what you're going through, some empathy. It's hard with people who don't understand mental illness. I'd think a methadone program would be better than just drinking all the time.

Just get out of there and find someone who can understand your problem and help you. The quicker the better.

 

[paranoid android]

I managed to go without any booze this morning, I don't think I've ever been so dizzy in my life and I've been having brain zaps that feel like Effexor w/d's, nystigmus and nausea. I popped 1 beer at around noon so I could get some food in my belly and stop twitching at every small noise. One drink didn't do much to help but usually within an hour of my first drink I've put down at least another four...and before 8 in the morning

The mail came an hour and a half ago and I recieved a package of Kratom I'm been waiting on- I almost cried out of happiness.

I've never had Kratom before, just had about 10 grams an hour ago. My stomach was cramped so bad I didn't know if I could keep it down but I managed and am actualy feeling a lot better. It's been close to 24hours since I've had anything but that one beer-
I still am having that vertigo/shock feeling but an much calmer and less sensitive to sound (not jumping out of my skin at the sound of every passing car).

I can't say I'm getting much of an opiate feel out of it, but this might just be the key to cutting my alcohol intake. Fingers crossed, I get impulsive when my dad comes home with the 24 pack. I'm going to try as suggested and cut down to 6 a day for a week or so then 3 then none...just don't want a seizure.

Man go see a doctor you sound like your in alcohol withdrawal and that is no joke. I had all the symptoms you describe when i came off alcohol that along with a few delerious hallucinations. You need to see a doctor about this and krantom could make this worse actually. Opiates can mask the symptoms of alcohol withdrawal but they don't stop the worst symptoms such as seizures and many (i don't know if krantom is one) actually lower the seizure threshold.

So please go see a doctor man you sound like you need help for sure. Theres no shame in asking for help.