Your heart may be broken, but this sounds like a relationship that was broken, and a broken relationship will often result in 2 broken lives. Its obvious that hers was begining to degrade, and I'm sure that yours has to.
If you stayed involved in this situation, things only would have gotten worse, and the only way to actually "fix it" is to get out completely and start with a fresh blank slate. True love is not staying together forever, true love is new love, that electricity inside your skull often lies.
Don't hold onto the pain as a means of not accepting its really over. People often fantasize about their lover crawling back to them, realizing their wrongdoings, but it will only delay the grief process. If you cover that grief up with drugs, you are STILL delaying the grief process. I've seen people get off drugs 8 years after a break up and start crying about their lover when they finally stopped drugs.
YOU HAVE TO MOURN, same way you have to withdraw from drugs. Taking drugs will not cure your emotions, only delay them. I'm not telling you not to take them, I'm only making you aware to the limits of what they can actually do.
Also, I notice in particular that men handle break ups much worse than women. Women handle them bad, but it doesn't have such a long term corrosive impact on their wellbeing. And I believe this has a lot to do with how we our socialized, and the overall variances in value sexually.
A man is never considered "reproductively valuable", we are largely disposable in those terms.
You often find 1 man out of 10 doing the majority of the mating at a much more extreme level, and 5 out of 10 women mating as a much less extreme level.
This offset of values, often results in those 9 men taking break ups worse, because functionally speaking, they are much easier to replace than a female is. Those 9 men will go for one of those 5 women, and most of those 5 women will be attracted to that 1 man. Because we are so disposable, this usually shows during break ups.
It also has a lot to do with mens obsession with omnipotence, or control/power in general.
What you really need to do is try to not go on a journey of sadistic misinterpretations towards what the relationship was, what you are, and all the things that you think are "wrong" with you in general.
Breaking up requires a process of dissassociating yourself from all the things that love intially blinded you from. Maybe you never noticed the hair on her arms, or the love handles she likes to sport, but I'm sure in a few months you will stop rosetinting all her flaws. The pain is a result of simply seeing the truth. Its OK to reassociate new negative beliefs towards her, thats what breakups are about. It will also help you move on quicker.
What will NOT help you move on quicker is ressociating negative beliefs onto yourself. Thats not how dissassociation works, and I see so many people doing it the opposite/wrong way.
Lastly, if you need ANYONE to talk to, please fucking pm me. If its just to bitch PLEASE BITCH into my inbox. I WANT to talk to you, it is NOT a burden in anyway.
The reason therapists still practice therapy in a room of 100s of people watching is because even a therapist, a PROFESSIONAL who has been trained to not to misinterpret things, often still will make that mistake. Its human, and the reason I tell you to pm me is because another person can help you interpret things for what they are.
Don't try reading into shit and deriving/casting all sorts of new beliefs onto your identity. Or if you need to, as least pm me first. =]
g/luck!!
