• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Dunno what to do. Losing my mind here and in need of assistance

Ninjetic

Ninjetic

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2004
Messages
1,092
Location
Tejas
Hellllllloooo....
I've come to the darkside to vent
Soooooo.....things have gone dowhill since I posted about quitting drinking. I drank myself into a psychotic delerious state and almost ran out the door of my apartment ready to fight zombies with a table leg (embarassing!) My gf got it on video via her phone (now i have a reminder of why I shouldnt drink) i fell asleep during some crappy post apocalyptic movie, woke up yelling about zombies and nuclear volcanoes out to destroy the world. Got in a big fight with my gf, yelled alot, made her cry, Got in a car wreck (horrible one too) totaled my car. Ihave a new car and a new fangled phone. I'm in debt $9000 and have no job.
Realised I have an eating disorder (I forget to eat at least twice a day) then binge)
Weed doesnt get me high like it used to. An 8th last me less than a week.
I know I'm ranting, and probably sound more like I'm just complaining, but I need some help, advice, counseling, mentoring, SOMETHING!!! I'm always soooo angry and get mad at the drop of a hat. I hate myself. I live in what feels like the suckiest town evar. Ther are no jobs here. I used to be really happy (i was high all the time, but I was happy) Now life is fucking frustrating and I feel like I could use a hand to help me out of this tunnel I've dug.
Suicidal ideation comes to mind alot, I just ignore it because its been on my mind since I was put on antidepressants in 6th grade (fuck those pills, be happy)
I've been listening to happy hardcore alot lately, it keeps my mind off all the depressing goings on of my life. I'm a happy hardcore kid at heart. Im extremely angry and kinda depressed, thats what the kandykids helped me with a few years back, god do I miss those days! I miss rolling as well. I think its time for a tolerance break with the weed, and I'm pretty sure I shouldnt drink anymore, I get mean!
I was recently 120lbs (yay!) and now I'm down to 100 again. Damn my fast metabolism, then why cant I get stoned like I used to? Grrrr frustration. Seriously, talk to me on aim or some shit I dunno.

Yeah thats what I expected
no replies
no assistance
my problems are minescule to everyone elses
time to go slave away for no pay

am
I
human
enough?

No double posting - PA
 
Last edited by a moderator:
First, calm down.
Everyone does stupid things when they are drunk. Like me I just totalled my car in a drunken high state as well (see you arent alone). And it sucks ya.

What makes you happy besides getting fucked up?
Does that even make you happy?

Anger isnt going to get you anywhere.

ok tried to help.
 
You identified forgetting to eat as causal of some problems with the drinking. Is it also related to the anger? What solutions have you tried already?
 
Ninjetic said:
Yeah thats what I expected
no replies
no assistance
my problems are minescule to everyone elses
time to go slave away for no pay

am
I
human
enough?
Click to expand...


Wow, you're right about the anger thing - even if it seemed like forever to you, you posted this only 17 minutes after your first post.

Suicidal ideation is a reason to get immediate help from a mental health professional. I'm guessing that you already know that.

Were you actually happy getting high all the time or did you just not care about shit when you were high? There's a difference and it's a pretty significant one.

You said that medication helped you in the past, so that would be a starting point. It's sounds like you realise that you need more than medication, so it might also be time to check out stuff like counselling and anger management courses. Nobody can be happy when they're angry all the time, so trying to get that under control needs to be a high priority at this point.
 
Well lets just say this, the only disagreement with anything that anyone has said is this. No, the medication is what caused the suicidal ideation. I was a happy child before they put meon antidepressants at age 12, then when they noticed i was angry they put me on ritalin, then fast forward a few years, they put me on adderall, then adderall xr, then dextroamphetamine....you get the picture. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, for all I know I could be bipolar.Getting scripted amphetamines when I didnt want them made matters wayyyy worse. The first drug related hallucination I had was from trying to get sleep like normal while on a regular dose of ritalin. I saw horrible things.....I think the rage probly stems from the ritalin...or the aderall. That shit made me fight like mike tyson when I got picked on in highschool. Only thing I think aderall may have helped with was by terrible math and english skills, I also became a librarians aide at school due to all my free time. I graduated with a 2.5 gpa only because the amphetamines became addictive and were now 50/50 on the concentration help. I was fuckin scatterbrained 24/7 due to not getting sleep. I sleep great when I have pot tho, and alc makes me mean as fuck...like I have some secret to hide...something awful. My parents telling me I was "special" and giving me speedy shit is basically how all this fuckin mess started. Doctor forgot to tell me "these drugs may cause drug seeking behavior" And then I got more drugs from the doctors, pill popping like nobodys business, then wondering why Im angry.
I've got to do this myself (with a lil help)
I've been off all amphetamines for 3 years now...........................but I want to roll!!!!!!!
its unheard of to be able to get e where I live (until you get to portland) but theres lots of meth around here...which I want to stay the fuck away from. As you can probably tell, I have ADD or whatever the fuck ppl call it these days. Even knowing that I have this little eccentricity, drives me to the brink of insanity. Because of it I tend to come off as obnoxious and annoying, forgetful, stupid etc. Im great at writing books apparently....and carpentry.
And one more thing, I actually have a goal to push for, once I get all my shit together of course. I'm gonna be a pre-k teacher. My mom is a teacher, she said she was proud of me for even thinking of going back to college to become a teacher. Up to this minute I'm staring at the keyboard in front of me. Yeah I said it, I'm gonna be a teacher. I'm great with children for some reason, its hilarious
And I'm already expecting responses so if anyone is willing to tolerate my terrible lack of patients, feel free to post. I've got lots more words to throw on the screen
 
To me it sounds like you are issuing a challenge to others to change you. I wonder what might lead you to believe that others could do such a thing?

Enki asked you what steps you have taken to begin the process of change. And I'd say that's a pretty good question to ask yourself.

It appears that you have recognized a lot of destructive patterns in your life that you've been cultivating, be it alone or with other's assistance, for years. What is the logical next step?

If you met someone who was faced with a similar set of circumstances as those you are now facing, what plan would you create for that person to begin making real, substantive changes in his/her life? What would you outline for that person to do in the next week, month, year? Set some goals that lead to the larger goal of creating a happier you. You created the unhappy you without much thought or input. The feeling of frustration and desire for change is a great gift in disguise; here's your chance to step back and take a look at your life and yourself and create a new plan, a plan that you write instead of blindly acting and reacting to stimuli around you.

You said that you write well, write a story about the you that changes, how he changes and where he's headed. And follow that path, even though it might be a difficult one. Hell, if you don't like the changes you make, you could always go back to the way things are now. What do you have to lose?
 
SSRIs are now known to cause suicidal ideation in a significant number of people - especially those under 18. They can also cause mania and mixed episodes in people with bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, it's only fairly recently that a lot of doctors have started taking those things into account when prescribing and some still don't.

If you're actually willing to put in some time and effort, then getting a proper psych evaluation would be a good starting point. If you do have some mental health disorder then it's unlikely to get better on its own. I'd recommend seeing a clinical psychologist. Apart from the fact that they can teach you a shitload of useful techniques for handling stress, anger, frustration, etc, they're qualified to diagnose mental health disorders even though they can't prescribe - that makes them really useful advocates when your prescribing doctor keeps prescribing more of what isn't working.

There's no reason at all why your goal is unobtainable. Another thing which a psychologist can help you with is breaking that goal down into smaller steps and putting them in a logical sequence. Having someone who isn't emotionally invested in your goals monitor your progress is really useful.

I'd make finding a mental health professional a priority right now - they're the ones who can best determine whether you just have a lack of coping skills, a mental health disorder, or both and they're the best starting point for finding ways to deal with each.

One thing I've noticed over the years is that few of us succeed in conquering our demons until we're willing to spend as much time, energy and money on the solution as we do on the problem. If we'll go out of our way to obtain our DOC but we won't go out of our way to get help, we're probably not yet ready to get clean and stay clean.
 
Last edited:
yeah, and what kind of help do you expect?
waiting for a fairy-godmother to come along and fix your problems isn't going to help anything, unless you help yourself first.
oh..... and listen to something mellower. I'd be aggro all the time too if I listened to HHC.
 
Ixchellian said:
yeah, and what kind of help do you expect?
waiting for a fairy-godmother to come along and fix your problems isn't going to help anything, unless you help yourself first.
Click to expand...

Quoted for truth.

In my drinking days I'd go all over the place day or night in order to obtain alcohol, but I wasn't willing to travel to the next suburb to see a counsellor, let alone pay to see one, and I wouldn't take an afternoon appointment (truth is an appointment on any day of the week ending in "y" was gonna be inconvenient for some reason).

When I really got serious about getting my shit together, those "obstacles" didn't matter anymore. I seem to find the time, the energy and the money for getting help now, but it's not all that long ago that I had a shitload of reasons why I "couldn't" myself.
 
all these 2010'ers don't have sh*t to say ...

Hello, alter-ego?

I could have written 90% of your post.
In fact, I have, at least 10 times, and deleted the same after underwhelming to zero responses in TDS.
Mania. Anorexia. Cannabis/alcohol. Horrid experiences with anti-D's as an adolescent permanently turning me against the evil Mental-Health Establishment despite desperately needing respite from my own suicidal self.

Tho admittedly I only got into the HHC when I was hitting the 3,4MDMA/d-meth back 5-7 years ago :\

Tried to hit you up on AIM, but you're offline, and what could we possibly say to each other that we haven't already thought 5,000 times?

Really, I have nothing to say, from one O.G. Bluelighter to another.
Sure hope you're a year or two younger than me, so that you have hope to deviate from my static path.
I rather miss those dynamic years of yesteryear, before things settled into a gray monotony; suicide in slow motion, gritting of one's teeth in the painstakingly-frozen present with no future to dream of.

p.s. wow we must live in the same great(?) state.
Only MDMA I found up here was in PDX too, 2008-2009. Not where I live; I'm afloat in a sea of tweakers, despite never having had the opportunity to try ORegon meth myself.
 
Last edited:
I feel better today:)
I started writing again (this time I started writing screenplays of all things) I feel inspired (my well of inspiration dried up lol)
I might be bipolar or manic depressive, only a trip to a shrink could clarify that.
Had the freakiest dream last night, maybe because I was freaking out so much. Makes me wonder how I could hold onto a job once I got hired, due to all the bullshit I complain about (wahhh life is hard! Money requires work, school etc etc) I have lots of things I haven't even mentioned in here because I dont think theyre a problem. I could go on complaining, or I could do something about it. I think I'll do something about it
And yes, thanks everyone for the constructive criticism! I'm quite stubborn and dont ask for help very often......
 
Glad to hear you're feeling better. The feeling inspired to write - especially if you write walls of text and rewrite the same thing over and over with minor changes - would also fit with something on the bipolar spectrum, so you might want to get that checked out. I can write pages and pages per day when I'm heading towards hypomania and they'll generally be about the same central theme.

It's absolutely possible to abuse drugs, be reckless, and be an asshole without having a mental illness but it's something worth investigating because there's pretty effective treatment available for most of the major mental health disorders - and it's sure as fuck easier to deal with other problems when your thoughts and emotions are in a stable place.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top