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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards

Do you hate yourself for the terrible things you did while using or drinking heavily?

donnie080208

donnie080208

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
286
Location
Eccles in Manchester,England
Even though ive stop drinking alcohol and heroin use(mostly) i am still haunted by the things i did while drunk or the stuff i did to get money for heroin. This has left a legacy of self hatred and shame for which i cant forgive myself.
I dont want to go into too much personal stuff but in a black out , many years ago before i stopped alcohol alltogether i beat my then GF up and broke her nose, even today 7 years later there is no lag when i think of what i did, i and feel sickened with myself.(sober im totally non violent). there are also the many thefts i did to aquire heroin and feed my habit but obviously the violence feels far worse
Ive not drank for 5 years now but will my memorys ever stop haunting me?
 
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I am almost finished with a taper of of oxy ir. I was using 140-160mg a day and now I am at 20mg a day. I feel terrible for what I did to my family. Without a big long story my guilt stems from losing a really good job and lying to my family. This is gonna sound like cliche bullshit but we really have to accept the things we cannot change. Easier said than done! I dont think my guilt will ever completly go away but I feel like once I am clean and get another job and am not always making excuses to go buy pills cause I took more than prescribed, that I can right some wrongs. An addict who has been clean for 10 years told me that when I get clean, when I am beating myself up over the past, to just do something good for someone you care about and that I would realize I am a different person. But what the hell do I know? I read your post and I am trying not to hate myself for what I have done. I feel ya!
 
i used to feel guilt tho after a while i got used to it or maybe becuz im still doin drugs and simply dont care anything
 
yeah whenever I slow down with the downers and drugs overall, I get nauseated by my memories... sux but hey thats life guess Im just strong.

ive pretty much destroyed my family, sux for them lol.
 
I used to feel quilty for stuff i have done in the past ,but I did give an apology to everyone I think I hurt somehow then.But I am not worried about the past anymore.I regret some stuff,but since I cannot change the past their is no reason for me to feel bad In my opinion.Just don't hurt people if possible and realize the past is the past,you cannot change it no matter how bad you feel,or how much you want to change it.So move foward and don't dwell on shit you cannot change and try to not make the same mistakes again.Thats about all anyone can do..
 
No, but I kinda hate you for thinking that alcohol is a "basic drug."

There is an booze forum, ya know.
 
I just feel guilty about all the money I've spent on opiates and pills in general, when you add it up it's a HUGE amount of money. I haven't resorted to crimes to pay for my drugs but I've been late paying rent many times because my drug habit was more important. I feel guilty for all the times I had to borrow money to pay bills when I could have just payed the bills if I didn't buy the drugs. I always pay people back but I still feel guilty about borrowing money for drugs times (cause obviously I never told anyone I was borrowing money to buy drugs).

I don't feel guilty about the things I've done under the influence, opiates usually chill me out and I rarely make a fool out of myself on opiates. Sometimes I talk too much on Dexedrine, or write stupid facebook comments but I definitely don't feel guilty about it.

I've slept with some questionable women back when I used to drink alot, but that's more a feeling of disgust than guilt. And part of me is like, fuck it, I had a good time, I was safe, I don't have any children and I don't drink anymore, Live and Learn.
 
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My apologies, I thought there was a dedicated alcohol forum. There should be!

Ive been lucky in the sense that all my drugs (well, only opiates really) have been scripted by a doc and paid for by insurance, so I haven't really had to take a trip down the dark side to score (but before you tell me how lucky I am, my monthly insurance premiums are actually HIGHER than the cost of the drugs, so I aint saving Jack).

Since I started using, its def become a major "hobby" and I spend a lot more "quality time" at home with myself than ever before. While the downside is that my social and dating life has taken a nosedive, I actually have saved a TON of money by not going out all the time!

It's staggering, really, how much money I DONT spend when pretty much all I do is work, go home, take drugs, play on Bluelight and listen to music.

I guess the worst thing I've done is flake on plans with friends and go home early from a night out because I start to feel withdrawals creeping in and just look forward to going home, rolling up my sleeve and floating away...

Ha ha, of course I'm way over glamorizing it, I don't even fucking get high anymore my tolerance is so strong. The best feeling I can manage is the intense transformation from withdrawals to simply feeling "normal."

Literally one minute I'm feeling like shit, can't think straight, life sucks, etc... then I depress the plunger.

A shockwave goes through me and replaces all the bad with... Normal. I wish I could say it actually makes me feel good or giddy or euphoric, but no, sadly those days are behind me.

My drug habit gist makes me feel normal.

And thats probably my biggest regret - I jump through all these hoops and keep a secret habit and risk all kinds of trouble if I were to be discovered, just to feel normal.
 
^I think he realizes.

this seems better suited for TDS.

I don't feel guilty about the things i've done because of drugs; i feel guilty about all the shit i could have been doing but have not because of drugs. Though I haven't taken it far enough or for long enough to hate myself yet. and, like others mentioned, i kinda cringe when i think about how much of my money goes towards drugs and alcohol. Oh well. My life has still been alright. Living up to your potential is for the squares.
 
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