Rebuilding a life and all this extra time..

[Bojangles69]

Ok so I'm starting to realize this is going to be the hardest part.

I'm off opiates now and have 0 life. I have things I can do, and school starts in 1 week, but I feel like I should definitely get back into a full time schedule.

I have 2 classes and an internship coming up. They will take up around 15-20 hours a week which will still leave me with too much free time.

Should I be waiting to get back into work or you guys think I should be looking now?
I'm in a VERY WEIRD situation in my life where instead of doing things anymore just to make those around me happy, I feel like I have to actually build a life that I AM happy with. And theres a big difference between those 2 lives.

My current life involves smoking cigarettes, drinking caffiene all day, and tapering these detox herbs/clonidine while wasting hours and hours on the computer (I like the computer too much).
I wake up around 11am-noon, and from the second I wake up I feel a bit lost. I wanna go workout but I don't have the energy, I wanna go looking for jobs but I have no motivation. I wanna quit smoking but I feel like its not the right time yet. Are these just bs excuses I'm telling myself? Or should I wait till my natural endorphins get a little stronger?

My ideal life involves this:
I don't wanna drink anymore as I use to binge on the weekends with friends before my opiate addiction, and I think due to how unfun I found it back than it definitely pushed me towards using opiates. I haven't drank since last december, and it wasn't really a voluntary decision. I just got sick of it for w/e reason.
So I definitely don't wanna drink anymore or party I'm just done with that stuff. I'm too old too, at 28 I should be focused on getting a job and my own place to live (sharing 1 right now with my brother but I want MY OWN place like I said).
In a weird way I wanna put myself back on the EXACT schedule I was on when I was on parole. I was forced to do things every second of the day, but I felt extremely good about my life at that time.
I'd wake up mon-friday and go to work, do either afternoon or night classes, than work out in between when ever I had a break or later in the day if I got done early. All a while not smoking cigs anymore, eating healthy, and saving some money for once in my life (I actually quit smoking on parole for 3 years which was great too, now I just have to find the energy to do it again)

I really do have good genes (I think lol), but I've never used them to their potential. I feel like I NEED to build a life that I'm happy with, because this is the same life thats gonna take my focus of wanting to use drugs years down the road. I feel like if I can do something for myself, and put a lot of work into it, I won't be so likely to throw it all away in the future.

I'm just not sure how to go about it.
When you guys get clean, do you usually try to get right back into the swing of things, or do you take some time to adjust? Because I feel like the only thing left to adjust in me is my motivation/endorphins, but if I sit around waiting for them to come back I'm just gonna get more and more discontent.

It was just weird because today I woke up and thought "today is day 8, you have made it through a week of sobriety, but you really need to start focusing on something other than being sober". I just feel like I need to start rebuilding my life, and I dont know where to start. This time next year I want SO MANY things to be different.
I wanna be off the cigs for good, 10% bodyfat, no more pot, have a career, and be on my way to having my own place. I'm also expecting to get some money over this next year so I can get rid of all my druggy/dark and depressing clothes. I tend to wear a lot of black or blue clothing, mostly dark colors (although I'm not really a serious person its just from the drugs I think) and I wanna redo my wardrobe with fresh and bright colors. Colors that motivate me. But nothing crazy lol don't worry.

Its good to have goals right? But what is "too many"? Does this sound feasible to accomplish on 1 year? Any advice on this topic I'd really appreciate, thanks!


edit: One more thing I want to mention. I feel like I almost want to make a "taper schedule" out of my entire life. I'm kinda amazed that all I did was make a plan and follow it and it got me off drugs (def a lot more to that story though lol). And I guess now I'm just trying to make a plan to stay off drugs. Do people here make lists of things they should be doing everyday? Does it drive you crazy or make you feel like a robot? Cause I feel like I should be doing it for some reason.

 

[ocean]

Taking the time to focus on getting well and staying sober is important. You don't have to put a time cap on it. I think you have the right idea here by listing what you want out of your everyday life. When I feel in a rut of like things aren't going the right way- I makes lists to see where I'm at and what I want to change. I then usually get kinda caught up on the step you're at now- the actually changing things. In your case, I think you should allow yourself however long you need to be sure you won't get yourself into a situation where you are too stressed and then you use/drink again.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably wait until I was in school and see how I handle my classes and then find a job based around that.
You can never have too many goals, just don't put too much pressure on yourself. Good stuff doesn't just happen overnight Time is there.......
Congrats btw! Lots of Luck and keep up the positive thinking and moving forward!

 

[sid3]

I'd say get a part time job. With only 15-20 hours of classes and an internship, that leaves plenty of time for the gym and some work. There are other benefits other than money. You'd probably feel better about your yourself for getting one, you are likely to meet some ladies, who can introduce you to their friends. Rather than wait for your endorphins to balance out and the motivation to return, it'll speed those things up much faster if you get busy. When I got clean I kept myself busy so I would find something else to get addicted to, espeacially the net. When there isn't anything you have to do, it's a great way to waste time. Also, taking some course offered by continuing ed, your town or whatever can be fun. I've taken some cooking classes, a few woodworking seminars, even pilates. I don't do the bar scene so I find other ways to get out without having to spend a ton of cash. Just some ideas. I noticed after tapering that I had so much more tme I my hands. Not finding a way to fill it in a positive manner can be risky for any newly clean addict IMO.

 

[Legerity]

Congrats on 8 days clean. IMO there are no rules and it is up to you to decide how much change you want to make and when. But overdoing it is definitely possible, so if staying clean is your #1 priority then you can examine everything else you want to do and decide if it will enrich your life or make it overwhelming.

I think working out is a great activity for anybody, you shouldn't have to wait for that! Helps with stress, self-esteem, energy, etc.

What is your motivation for quitting coffee and cigarettes? Do you feel that it is affecting your well-being right now, or do you feel that you have to be 100% clean of everything? These can be a pain in the ass to quit, and I don't know if you are going to 12-step meetings or not, but when I was at meetings I found coffee/cigarettes to help me just feel part of the group and enjoy the meetings. Which I suppose isn't the best reason to be smoking, but if you're quitting everything else and they are helping you stay sane for now then why not.

So pace yourself and find what you like to do! If you feel overwhelmed you can always pull back. The changes that you do want to make all sound very reasonable and like they will enrich your life. Staying clean IMO not the final goal but a means to be able to get your life back and figure out how to live happily.

 

[HamClamp]

Yeah the days sure got long, huh? Man oh man I hear you loud and clear there! It's getting better so hang in there.

All I can say it take a deep breath and things will sort of evolve. All the planning in the world isn't going to do much if the motivation to get up and move just isn't there. Give it time- it'll come.

I think staying away from alcohol is good judgement. I've got no interest in going back to drinking either. Alcohol impairs judgement tremendously. And it gives me anxiety the next afternoon whether I've had one drink of ten. Nope- don't need to go there any more.

I'd say your best bet is to kind of let things develop on their own. I think that once you have the energy to get to the gym things will probably take care of themselves and you'll flow into a new better life naturally. For me getting outside and working around my property is my "gym" and once I got out and worked up a few sweats my energy level rose, the days weren't quite so painfully long, and things are starting to lighten up.

Make sure you eat right. Lots of fresh fruit and veggies, drink lots of water, take your vitamins, get that much-needed sleep, and feed your mind and spirit too. Focus on that stuff right now, get to the gym as soon as possible, and the fog will continue to lift. Nothing but onward and upward now man!

Great job Bo! Stay positive.

Peace.

 

[jake99]

wow i feel same way . when im clean and by myself im so lonely bored and get high to pass time and forget about stuff

 

[QuasiStoned]

I wouldn't be too concerned with doing things all at once. It's perfectly fine (in my opinion) to take some time to get reacquainted to life without opiates. I can tell you that my ass was dragging even after 3 weeks clean from the shit. Surprisingly, I've spent practically 2/3 of the summer clean and it just keeps getting better. I'm feeling stronger, more capable, less afraid than I ever did while on opiates. My energy levels continue to increase, I've even been finding myself working out which is something I never took seriously.

It does take some time to return to normal. But sure enough I think it's happening to me. And with this sense of normalcy is a strength and outlook that I never had BEFORE I turned to opiates. I've got a lot of fears with all this upcoming legal trouble, but I've already decided that whatever the case, I'm going to see myself through it. I just have to, and drugs like opiates simply will not help anymore. Good fucking bye to that shit!

 

[theotherside]

^^^Good to hear all these motivating things as I will not have the aid of opiates in my life from here on out and am nervous about alot of things. I am moving on tues. and I have a full time job, full time/live in g/f, plenty of hobbies. The problem is I do those things while on opiates. On the weekends I do alot of euphoric stims which passes the weekends pretty fast but its those hours after work that I'm nervous about.

 

[QuasiStoned]

^^^Good to hear all these motivating things as I will not have the aid of opiates in my life from here on out and am nervous about alot of things. I am moving on tues. and I have a full time job, full time/live in g/f, plenty of hobbies. The problem is I do those things while on opiates. On the weekends I do alot of euphoric stims which passes the weekends pretty fast but its those hours after work that I'm nervous about.

I guess it also depends on HOW opiates were affecting you while you used them. They made me a shadow of my former self, completely apathetic to EVERYTHING and more inclined to spend every day at home rather than out socializing and doing normal things with my friends. They didn't outright wreck my life but they definitely delayed a lot of personal growth and caused a certain shift in my personality that I didn't like but was forced to deal with because I simply couldn't go without opiates at the time.

Sometimes I think about using but then I remember the bad times, all of the withdrawals and terrible sensations... going through that hell so many times. Terrible times *shudder*

 

[Bojangles69]

There are a lot of really excellent posts in here.

But I remember what Quasi said was pretty close to my experience last time getting off opiates. I basically hung out and didn't do much for a few weeks, that eventually I got off my ass and started doing things. And I remember feeling stronger and healthier like you said. Everyday off opiates I felt like I could just deal with stress better. Its just that adjustment period that can suck.
I don't even wanna call it "PAWS" because thats not what it really is, its more relearning behavoirs w/out opiates.

My school put out the fall list of partime jobs and theres actually a ton of places hiring. I just applied for a paid internship, and am going to hit up 2 places tommorow for a job. I do think its important to at least be working parttime during school.

I also got denied for my financial aid which I just realized checking my email tonight. My registration for school was cancelled, and I had to reregister for all the same classes. But now I gotta call financial aid and find out wtf is going on as this has never happened before. I'm wondering if because my graduation has been delayed twice already, if I passed some sort of criteria and am not eligible anymore.

I think I'm really just nervous about school tbo. School was so much easier on opiates. Sure I had the days when I was in wds, but opiates made it so easy to take life nonchalantly and just roll with the punches. I'd just do my assigments and not really get anxious about it. However, I'd always do the bare minimum that was required of me, as opiates always made me apathetic. Apathy can be good for certain things, but being like that everyday definitely starts creating problems in life.

I wrote down all the things I'm gonna do tommorow and I just hope I have some energy in the morning. When I wake up I usually feel drained, and I'll actually be so unmotivated I won't even take my meds/herbs. But when I take them I usually wake up and can start doing things.
So I'm gonna leave all my meds/herbs right by my bed so when I wake up its the first thing I do. If I don't take my clonidine I'm usually pretty anxious about my day and wanna isolate. The other stuff just gives me a slight energy boost.

In the next 2-3 weeks a lot of things in my life are gonna change. I'll be in school, will hopefully have a partime job, and will be trying to get into the gym 5 days a week. It won't be a hectic schedule, as long as I limit my work schedule somewhat. Maybe I'll start at like 15 hours work a week and raise it later in the semester.

I also don't feel like I need to quit coffee and pot, its really the cigs that cause me anxiety. I know they are slowly destroying my lungs and in another 10 years the last thing I want is lung cancer. Coffee and pot have functional purposes in my life, and never have really created problems, but they are so anchored to cigarettes that I can't see myself doing them w/out cigs.
When I drink coffee during the day than smoke pot at night I usually find myself chain smoking. And I think my only real chance at quitting cigs is by stopping all of them. But at the same time its a pretty drastic move being in the adjustment period I'm already in. The thing that scares me however is this adjustment period is a better time to stop other things than waiting a few months, feeling stable, and having cigs associated to doing sober activities. If I get use to being sober and smoking cigs, than I feel it will be harder to stop later than now, when I'm already transitioning in life. At the same time though the idea is overwhelming to stop so many things at once, so I'm still on the fence about how that will all work out.

I also have other things that I need to get under control like my sleep cycle. Going to be at 3am every night is simply not condusive to the live I want to live. I have to wake up early tommorow and its already 12midnight, and I just don't want to go to bed. I'm chillin, its peaceful, and I like this time of night.
Yet if I don't learn to unlike it, its going to wind up creating issues with work and school, so I absolutely need to learn how to go to bed earlier too.

I guess I'm just stressing about all the things I need to change. Because one thing I KNOW FOR A FACT, is you can quit drugs but still be completely out of control the way you live your life. Smoking 3 packs a day, going to bed at 5am, skipping class, getting drunk on the weekends, not working out. I can easily fall into behavoirs that will bring me closer to drugs, so I do feel a lot of pressure to straighten things out now. I want to be healthy, I wanna be able to live a boring life but still be content. I wanna deal with everyday problems w/out drugs, and I wanna know what it feels like to life a full life having felt everything I experienced w/out drugs to alter my perception. Because otherwise its not really living imo.

I think I'll be ok. I really just think my lack of endorphins right now are in a way making me feel like I'm still on drugs, and I need to realize its gonna take some time. But meanwhile I'm gonna start writing out my goals everyday and planning things I want to accomplish every week. Otherwise its too easy to fall into the common opiate induced time passing mode. I don't wanna just pass time anymore, I wanna live life and enjoy every minute of it.

Thanks for the support!!

 

[jake99]

Bo i think quitting smoking is a BAD idea early on . I know every time i did that when was clean a little while i got so stressed i wanted to get high ................Wait a year bro , its ok . EASY DOES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just getting off opiates is awesome . give yourself a break

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Congratulations on being off of opiates!

I have been off of heroin for over 22 months now and my life has only gotten better.

Daily exercise and a proper diet go a long way for allowing yourself to recover. Good luck!

 

[belfort]

what happened to me when i got sober was i had little energy and zero motivation...after months of getting more depressed i just forced myself to workout and then i got hooked on the endorphin rush of working out with weights..so now in days i dont work i exercise every morning to get m,y day going..then i will take the dogs for a walk and after that chill out and watch a movie or something...im in a softball league too which helps but i have to admit there are days that i feel lost and bored to death with life itself..even keeping my schedule like i do, i find i get bored of the daily grind so fast..drugs used to cure that but now i gotta find another way..

the weekeneds are the hardest for me because i envision everyone out drinking and drugging and me not...it gets old doing the clean things if ya know what i mean..thats the hardest part of the sobriety riddle imo..

 

[Bojangles69]

Thanks guys for all the advice!!!

I feel pretty good today actually. In terms of where my life is going at least. Last night I sat down and wrote a "to do" list for today, but I really went crazy underlining things, using bold/italics, different colors and what not. I basically did it because I thought at the time all that extra shit would make me take the things on the list more seriously.

And I guess it did lol. I also divided it into a section called "when you finish 1 goal", and after I finish each goal my job is to right the outcome, and what I want my next step to be. It might sound weird but it actually came out extremely concise and organized.

The coolest thing I did, was use my pntscrn (print screen) button to copy the msword document, and save it as a jpeg. And then I saved it as the background of my desktop lol. So first thing in the morning when I woke up, I turned on my computer, and bam there it is right in front of my face.
I actually read and did every single goal on the list today. I had 5 important things (2 for money, 1 for school, 1 for health, 1 for mind/emotional state) to do, and as gay as it sounds, the list helped me A LOT.
I actually enjoy doing this, and think I'm gonna do it evernight untill I slide into some routine that I like. Its weird because when I wake up in the mornings all though I KNOW there are some things I should do, I always wind up getting distracted doing "time killing" activities. I wound up accomplishing a lot today, and I'm happy about setting goals for myself everyday. After I finish a list, and all the outcomes are saved in the file, the files goes into a folder where all my other to do lists will go.
They are A LOT more realistically than just things to do, as the last nights was 2 pages long. But it would take too long to explain everything.

All I know is it was a productive day, and I'm looking forward to tommorow now. As long as I can keep it up, I will get closer to my long term goals everyday.

 

[MeddieFrac]

What really sucks is rebuilding your life time after time again. After awhile you get REAL tired of rebuilding your life, and then eventually you just don't rebuild it and it stays broken. HAH, Am I right or am I right? Anyone know what I'm talking about?

 

[Draigan]

^ I am sure a lot of us know what your talking about. Thats kind of what opiate addiction is, the phase where u give up on rebuilding your life.

 

[Help me please]

Bo from what I recall if you don't graduate by a certain time frame they will disallow your financial aid package. You can appeal it but don't expect to have it before mid terms. Usually the Uni will make a loan to you which gets repaid from your fin. aid package...In other words they get to hold your check till you sign off on what you borrowed. Your Uni could be different of course!

 

[Bojangles69]

Thanks helpme they actually said that 2 pages of my fafsa were not updated from last year, so I went ahead and did it. The woman at financial aid said it should take 3-5 days for it to get processed, and HOPEFULLY I have it by the time school starts. If not, than just another mess I'll have to deal with. I remember hearing that FAFSA had a statewide deadline on Jun 30th for making changes, but the woman at my uni never mentioned anything about it. So I'm hoping it goes through.

And to Meddiefrac I hear you loud and clear brother. This is in reality my third time rebuilding my life from drugs. Once from speed and twice from opiates. I DO realize how this process can turn into a lifelong cycle and thats why right now I'm trying to live by "3 times the charm", I NEED to get it right this time, or I can spend the rest of my life being a lonely and confused drug addict.
But what I'm more trying to focus on is the fact that even if something happens down the road, I don't wanna ever turn it into a physical addiction again. If I relapse for a week or 2 say a couple years from now, then I'll KNOW from past experiences that nothing is going to get better, and I need to go get help/rehab/therapy w/e winds up working.

As long as it doesn't invade my life, where I'm completely consumed by drugs, thats all I care about. Last time I started using opiates and my life was perfect, and I was pretty hard to view pods as something that was harming my life. It wasn't till 2 years passed by that everything I had worked for slowly faded away. My body, my mind, my spirit.. everything. Now I KNOW FOR A FACT, NO MATTER WHAT, if a drug goes into my body rather than cop out and use it again the next day, I WILL go in the other direction and seek help.

I just can't let it happen again. And theres other drugs I can do if I ever feel the need to escape w/out really ruining my life. Like pot for one. I've never really lost anything over pot, so I just need to realize certain drugs, like opiates, and anything hardcore really I just need to avoid. The more I go through problems like this the more I learn about myself and what sort of self control I have. I know now that no matter that theres just no recreational use for me and opiates. It will always turn into a serious problem.
So as long as I know my boundaries, I hope I'll be ok. Things are never as simple as we think, and I know that, but I really need to grow up and be a man for once in my life. Thats REALLY what all this is about.
If I have a bad day theres no more whining and "I need to get high" bullshit. For now on I take that anger to the gym and cope with it.
If I get in a relationship and get my heart broke, I'll go to a psychologist. I'm just more worried about deaths in my immediate family, because I'm not honestly sure how I would deal with that, but all I can really do is have faith that Im' strong enough to cope with life on lifes terms. If I'm not, I will learn how to.

 

[PaulyPointz]

So I feel you, what is better, stressing out about money or having plenty of money but nothing to give a shit about, stressing out about time, or not having any thing to want to spend time doing? Nothing to look forward to but another manifestation of the disease or another grey day or normality. There is a reason addiction cessation has like a four percent success rate. Sorry I can't be more upbeat, but my life is negative right now. I like it more when it is Christmas morning everyday. The best way to build cleantime is to notice the increasing periods of time which are passing without the thought to use. Also, be grateful to whom/whatever for each sober day you get through. The fact that addiction is cancer of the will leads to many tricky changes. Cunning, baffling, powerful. I remember reading about how Ted Bundy finally admitted that it was better for society that he be locked up than on the street because he really couldn't help himself. I read that book in prison, with about two weeks till my outdate. My whole bit I had been sure that I'd never get high again, the experience inside was so horrible. But as my release day neared, I remembered a stashed bottle of Lortabs I'd totally forgotten about until my mind cleared up. Is it inevitable that I fall into some addictive pattern w/drugs the way Bundy was addicted to serial murder? Sounds far fetched but the difference between Bundy and most pf us is drug of choice, when it comes down to the trenches of addiction; the obsession and compulsion are always lurking. That is why they say one day at a time. You are off the pink cloud of recovery, bro. This is where it gets hard. In fact, anhedonia is the best we can hope for at this point. They say it gets better? What you need to watch for are replacement habits--this has been a biggie for me. I jumped right in to a serious (I mean fucking serious!!!) relationship at one month sober, relapsed on Ivory Wave and stuff like that, and am now fubared, but not in a fun saturday night way. Bojangles, congrats though. Reading your past posts I wasn't sure you could quit--it seems you have the type of personality that likes to obsess over details, no offense. I wish I was actually a little more organized myself. But yeah, good luck, don't get high, and remember that nicotine addiction is just a social disease and owning your free will is the penicillan. You'll never quit smoking if you don't stop now, contrary to other advice on this thread.

 

[belfort]

^^^BOOOM ya nailed it..anhedonia is the most rotten part of recovery...anhedonia is very hard to overcome..