Moral Problem

[trippyjay]

Hello guys. I've been doing e and speed for about a year now. At times I would on 5 or 6 day binges while at other times I would go a few weeks without touching anything but weed. I have been known to occasionaly use other prescription meds from time to time.

I have a friend that happends to be one of, if not my best friend. She's like a little sister to me being 17, a couple years younger then I. She used to do e and speed everynow and then but it was a rare occation. However she had stopped doing everything a while back.

Now she never minded me taking e or speed
occasionally but a few month ago I ended up taking 6 zanax, 12 ativans and a hydromorphone. The result was three days of no memory. All I remember was taking the meds, waking up at 5:30 in the afternoon the next day, being passed out in the woods, and then taking 3
more zanax. The next thing I know I wake up in the hospital with iv and needles sticking into my arms and my friend and her friend were sitting beside the hospital bed. Apparently on the third day after I had taken the pils I had been unable to walk or talk. Finally when I had passed out ad started shaking my buddy called
them and they drove me to the hospital.

After that I had stopped doin any drug (except weed) for about a month. But as the summer was just starting I wanted to dtart doing e and speed again a few more times. The result was that she stopped talking to me and said that she didn't want anything to do with me while I was on drugs of any kind. And she held her word until about three weeks ago when I swore I was done doing drugs.

I asked her a while back why she cared so much what I did and she told me straight up that she thought I was goin to die when she took me to the hospital and that for weeks when she seen me all she could think about was me laying in the hospital bed. She said she couldn't handle being around me when I was on drugs because she was afraid to lose me.

The problem is I'm not done with drugs, but I'm a hell of a lot more careful now then before. I also don't binge on e and speed like I used to but I'm still curious about other drugs and still do e and speed every now and then. If I tell her this however she will go back to not talking with me and that's the last thing I want as she is one of the very few people I can talk to about everything. She also has a way to find out everytime I do something and then gets angry aout me lying to her.

I'm wondering what I should do, tell her I'm still doing drugs and occasionally experimenting or keep hiding it from her. Its not that I want to hide it but doesn't and won't understand that I'm not popping 8 or 9 e at a time like before. I'm actually pretty close to done doing e as it seems to have lost its magic to me. Its just il always be curious about drugs and she doesn't understand the diference between responsible drug use ( me now) and drug abuse ( me before). A trip to the hospital changes you a little bit.... I just don't want her to find out from someone else and completly leave my life you know? But at the same time I don't want to tell her and scare her because she really is scared for my life.

anyway, sorry if the post is a little hard to follow but I'm using my cell phone, aaand I really don't know what to do at all. Hoping someone a little wiser then me could give me their opinions. Thanks in advance for any reply.

 

[Help?!?!]

Tell her. If you don't than your friendship has no real value. It will be hard but its for the best.

 

[Chevelle]

IMO you should to be honest with her even though that may mean she will cut you off for the time being, but that's better than lying to her about it and then having her find out anyway and then cut you off for good. If you care about her as much as you say you do than it would be a selfish thing to lie to her about it, especially if something like that happens again, and to put her through that for what? Just so you can still have her there for you? How would you feel if she did that to you?

The thing is that you are not willing to stop using and even though you say you are using responsibly that doesn't mean another mishap couldn't happen again. You have to understand where she is coming from and maybe some time apart will help, and if you do continue to use carefully and she sees that you are changing then maybe she will come around.

If the script was flipped and you had to watch her almost die like that wouldn't you feel the same way? I think that she was traumatized by seeing you in that condition and probably can't bear to think about having to see you like that again, or if something even worse happened. Even if you do say that you're using 'responsibly' now, and even if you really do mean it, that means nothing to anyone else because people really don't trust some one who is using or anything they say- it's a common theme. I don't even know anyone that uses that can even trust their own self, no matter how much they want to be careful.

You sort of have to make a decision as to what is more important to you: the drugs or the friendship....

Good luck.

 

[junctionalfunkie]

^ Exactly. You have to make a choice.

Remember: Friendship depends on honesty. Addiction necessitates deception.

Which is more important to you?

 

[Help me please]

Honesty is always best. When you care about someone you should care enough to be honest with them.

 

[trippyjay]

I do care for her but its just I'm dreading what she does when I tell her. When I had told her I stopped I really had stopped, its just as time went on I started getting that feeling about buzzing back. I think I will tell her in the next few days or so cause I feel guilty about doing it behind her back. And it is true, its better that I
explain to her my thinking and my side of it then hear about it from someone else and come to the wrong conclusions. I don't want it to turn into a situation where I'm telling her when, where, and what I'm taking all the time.

I think I will tell her within the next few days because she will eventually find out. My town has 12000 people in it so everyone knows everyone around here. Nearly all the people I hang with also know her and some are better friends with her so they'll eventually tell her I'm sure. Even so, I think she deserves to be treated a lot better then that. She's been there for me and thinking back, there are two occasions where I probably wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for her...

thanks for your input guys. It put a couple of things into perspective for me. I have a pretty special friend in her it appears.

 

[ocean]

I agree with the others that have said, be honest.
If she finds out you've been lying or hiding things, she will likely have a worse reaction than if you are upfront with her about everything.
I'm glad that you value her friendship and hope that it all works out for you

 

[b4rd]

I dont think you can call yourself a responsible drug user if you are using meth at all. That is a very dangerous drug and it is extremely taxing on the body (and the mind).

I think you should tell her that you still are experimenting, but are not as hardcore as you used to be. And tell her that you will not be on any drugs when you are hanging out with her.

If she still does not want to hang out with you when you are sober, and when you are not doing these chemicals around her, she is just severley concerned. I dont know what to do besides being honest. Lying to keep a relationship alive is no a relationship at all IMO. Good luck friend.

 

[junctionalfunkie]

I think you should tell her that you still are experimenting, but are not as hardcore as you used to be.

This proposal is axiomatically impossible. Experimentation------>Addiction is a one way street. What is to be learned from "experimentation" once you have been enslaved?

I dont know what to do besides being honest. Lying to keep a relationship alive is no a relationship at all IMO.

Precisely.

 

[trippyjay]

I dont think you can call yourself a responsible drug user if you are using meth at all. That is a very dangerous drug and it is extremely taxing on the body (and the mind).

I think you should tell her that you still are experimenting, but are not as hardcore as you used to be. And tell her that you will not be on any drugs when you are hanging out with her.

If she still does not want to hang out with you when you are sober, and when you are not doing these chemicals around her, she is just severley concerned. I dont know what to do besides being honest. Lying to keep a relationship alive is no a relationship at all IMO. Good luck friend.

I know the dangers of speed but responsible is a relative term. I've never noticed any bad effects from taking speed once in a while. Its when you binge for 4 or 5 days that you start feeling like shit (sore joints, hallucinations, and skitzo episodes). But I agree with the rest of your post. I will tell her within the next few days when I get a change. Its not something I want to just bring up out of nowhere. I wanna tel her at the right time...when she's in the right mood.

 

[Legerity]

It sounds fair to be honest with her, especially since she saw what has happened to you in the past. Also be honest with yourself about your use to make sure it really does stay "responsible" rather than "abuse".

 

[trippyjay]

It sounds fair to be honest with her, especially since she saw what has happened to you in the past. Also be honest with yourself about your use to make sure it really does stay "responsible" rather than "abuse".

I know the difference between responsible use vs abuse as I've been on the wrong side before. But because of that I'm also not nieve enough to know that that fine line can be crossed pretty easily without you knowing until its too late...

 

[Chevelle]

I know the dangers of speed but responsible is a relative term. I've never noticed any bad effects from taking speed once in a while. Its when you binge for 4 or 5 days that you start feeling like shit (sore joints, hallucinations, and skitzo episodes). But I agree with the rest of your post. I will tell her within the next few days when I get a change. Its not something I want to just bring up out of nowhere. I wanna tel her at the right time...when she's in the right mood.

Honestly, I agree with b4rd. Speed is no joke. I used to do it all of the time and it plays serious mind games no matter how often or how little you do it. It turns you in to a completely different person, and most people really don't care for that kind of person. It's ugly stuff and a habit of doing it here and there can quickly change in to every day use, and it gets nastier from there.

Basically, you're playing with fire and if I were you I'd stop while you are ahead and still have friends that care about you and are willing to be there for you. Many people lose friends, family, and a lot more when sucked in to the drug game and I really don't think that they went in to it thinking that they would lose control of their habit and fuck their loved ones and life away.

I truly think most people start out believing they can keep their drug habit under control but sadly that's not how it works, drugs control you, you don't control drugs. You for example: considering lying to some one very special to you to continue doing drugs although it would deeply hurt them if they found out, and not being able to stop the drugs even though they almost killed you and already knowing it could cost you much more = drugs are running your show.

Also, you said you've been on the wrong side before, which means you really can't keep a responsible habit and you know that. As much as you wish to keep a responsible drug habit I just don't think it's in the cards for you but don't feel bad majority of people can't keep a responsible drug habit that we all strive for. Just remember it's VERY easy to go back to the dark side. Trust me, I know from personal experience.

Just some food for thought.

 

[Sadie]

Hi trippyjay,
Glad to hear you've made your mind up. Honesty is always the best policy. Sounds like you've got a really good mate there. If you lose her for a while at least you both know you've been honest. That friendship is easily mended once you find your place. Deception, however, leaves a friendship that is difficult to mend.

I wish you all the best pal. You're a good honest person. They're a rare thing to find these days. Keep yer chin up.

 

[trippyjay]

Hi trippyjay,
Glad to hear you've made your mind up. Honesty is always the best policy. Sounds like you've got a really good mate there. If you lose her for a while at least you both know you've been honest. That friendship is easily mended once you find your place. Deception, however, leaves a friendship that is difficult to mend.

I wish you all the best pal. You're a good honest person. They're a rare thing to find these days. Keep yer chin up.

Thanks buddy. I already stopped for a month after the hospital trip but as it was the beginning of summer and I remember saying I wanted to do one more buzz just to get it out of my system and when I told her that she got scared and told me she was horrified that I might not wanna stop again but I told her not to worry because It won't happen. I remember talking to a buddy about how we should do one last buzz together
cause he had quit pills. When we were on the buzz I remember looking at my buddy and said maaaaan I miss this feeling. He just looked sideways at me and we decided to do it for one more summer.

that time I had told her my plans and she got
really upset and just basically ignored me for two months. And during that two months I was only sober for about 5 days. I don't get addicted to drugs easily, I'm just more addicted to not being sober really.

its only been the last three weeks that she's
talked to me but I've missed it sooo much. She's the type of girl that's always trying to help her friends out when she can and is the sweetest, nicest and most thoughtful girl I've ever met. Like I said, she's like a big sister to me even though she's a year or two younger because she's always giving me advice and keeping me out of touble when she can.


we used to hang everyday for hours and eventually we started drifting away. Now we seen to be geting on the right track. I realized how important she is to me and ill do anythin for
her. I'm getting a photographer to take pictures of her and her boyfriend. I had to tell her its free cause if I told her I'm paying 450 bucks for them she wouldn't let me do it. I've taken her out of town to see old friends if hers. I love doing things to make to make her happy, even if she doesn't know it me. It worth it just to see her smile.

everyone used to think we were going out because we were together so much I call her sunshine cause I called her that once when I was drunk and she loved it. So the name stuck lol. She used to call me every night before she went to bed and we would take for hours. But one day I was on a bunch of painkillers and she called and I ouldnt comprehend what she was saying and I couldn't even talk normal to her. I just remember hearing her cry and then I passed out. The worst part is that she wanted to talk about a really bad problem she was going through and I couldn't even help her...

sorry if I went off topic a bit but I just felt the need to show you guys how special she is to me.

 

[Cyc]

If I understand the relationship parameters (you're friends, right?) then I don't see that you have an obligation to tell her how you spend nights away from her.

Telling her would be the nice thing to do, but I see no real obligation to do so. Despite what happened, your personal drug use on your own time is nobody's business but your own. Obviously don't take drugs, or be high in her presence. That would be foul of you.

I should add, that if this was your spouse, I think the nature of the relationship would modify this view, but only slightly. Personal responsibility requires personal accountability, and personal space. Now if you feel accountable to her, then cut out the drug use. Otherwise, use discretion.

 

[Jekyll and Hyde]

The more you lie, the more trust you lose, and if you keep lying the trust will eventually run out. Good luck, I hope you make the best decisions with your health and friendship in mind.

 

[Chevelle]

If I understand the relationship parameters (you're rights, right?) then I don't see that you have an obligation to tell her how you spend nights away from her.

Telling her would be the nice thing to do, but I see no real obligation to do so. Despite what happened, your personal drug use on your own time is nobody's business but your own. Obviously don't take drugs, or be high in her presence. That would be foul of you.

I should add, that if this was your spouse, I think the nature of the relationship would modify this view, but only slightly. Personal responsibility requires personal accountability, and personal space. Now if you feel accountable to her, then cut out the drug use. Otherwise, use discretion.

You're right- but it's not about having to tell some one something, it's about not wanting to destroy a precious friendship. And if keeping the friendship is the goal then you need to be honest, and again, you don't HAVE to be honest about it, and that's your solely your decision, but don't expect the friendship to last if you're not up front about it. It really depends on what you want most.