Hey man, I'm in a similar situation. =( I am 20 and my mom is going to die within the next 2 months from stage four cancer. I am living two states away because I am in a rehab. I always feel so guilty about being here, because if I wasn't a drug addict I would be able to spend more time with her. But I pnly get to see her on 5 days of the month. One thing that I know that makes my mom the happiest though is knowing that I am sober and getting my life on track. I think your parents (along with mine), would want you to live your life and be happy. It fucking sucks that other people die (along with you I am completley unafraid of death and accept my mortality). I, like you, have a tough time dealing with other's deaths. My advice is stay in touch whether that be your physical presence, or via phone calls every day. And remember, all a parent wants for their child is to be successful and happy, so live your life to your fullest in the name of your parents!
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Facing Your Parents' Mortality
- Thread starter junctionalfunkie
- Start date
badandwicked
Bluelighter
This is classic diabetic behaviour, hard I know, but try not to take it personally.
I come from a very close family, my mother is alone and has health issues, but has always made it very clear that she would never want to be a burden on us and we should always feel completely free to go anywhere in the world we want to. A she says 'I've had my life, now it's your turn'. In that regard, so has your dad.
When he was 39, what was he doing? Living & enjoying life I expect. Now it's your turn. Hard I know, but try and emotionally detatch. You're not abandoning him, and you can take comfort that if the shit hits the fan there are other relatives that you can call to help. and if he really deteriorates, and you feel really bad, you can always come home.
If you call, send regular letters & cards, keep him informed whats going on in your life and monitor his well being from a distance you'll be being a better son than many who only live a fews k's away from their parents.
badandwicked
Bluelighter
This is true, and I'm lucky in that I have parents that verbalise this. Your dad may not say it, but you say he loves you, so he must feel it.
b4rd - I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It must be very difficult, but as you say you are giving your mum much happiness & peace that her son is getting better.
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Broken_LCD
Bluelighter
I worry constantly about losing my mom. I am 21 years old, I lost my father when I was 20, heard a loud thud sound and ran upstairs with my mom and we found him dead...he was 42.
It also scares me that because him and I are so alike that my life may be half over just as his was when he was 21.
If I lose my mom I'm fucked, I'm 21 on disability and on a Suboxone program. I wouldn't be able to make it myself. I try and talk to her throughout the day, and spend time with her...when I find myself getting frustrated with her I always step back and take a breath, just try and realize it's not worth it.
I feel like things with my dad are so unfinished, he was an alcoholic and drug addict, 2 weeks before he died the swat team is shutting down my street and raiding our house to collect his guns, then he goes to rehab, he's out of rehab for a week and dies. I was still angry at him, and yet I felt bad for him and always wanted to help like always.
I would say try to resolve any lingering issues now, and take a step back when aggravated with your parents and just remember they are doing the best they can with you, as you are trying to do with them. Maybe they were abused as kids, or weren't shown love in the way you would like them to, so it's hard for them. Now's the time to find out all these things, of course that is depending on everyone's willingness to share and verbalize feelings.
I know this may not all pertain to you OP, since you said your dad has Alzheimer's...so you may not be able to accomplish these things. If he does have moments where he can remember or something, maybe try and get what information you can out of him, as to where paperwork is, or questions you may want answers to. If things are too far gone, then you need to now do what you feel is right.
If you can make sure you know where all appropriate papers are, will, final wishes, insurance policy, etc. I know no one wants to think of these things, but it's so much worse being lost trying to set up a funeral, etc, with no clue where to begin and not knowing what your parent's wishes were while grieving and being depressed.
My dad always wanted to be cremated when he died because he was afraid of being buried alive, lol. So he is currently sitting in an engraved marble box in my mom's bedroom.
It also scares me that because him and I are so alike that my life may be half over just as his was when he was 21.
If I lose my mom I'm fucked, I'm 21 on disability and on a Suboxone program. I wouldn't be able to make it myself. I try and talk to her throughout the day, and spend time with her...when I find myself getting frustrated with her I always step back and take a breath, just try and realize it's not worth it.
I feel like things with my dad are so unfinished, he was an alcoholic and drug addict, 2 weeks before he died the swat team is shutting down my street and raiding our house to collect his guns, then he goes to rehab, he's out of rehab for a week and dies. I was still angry at him, and yet I felt bad for him and always wanted to help like always.
I would say try to resolve any lingering issues now, and take a step back when aggravated with your parents and just remember they are doing the best they can with you, as you are trying to do with them. Maybe they were abused as kids, or weren't shown love in the way you would like them to, so it's hard for them. Now's the time to find out all these things, of course that is depending on everyone's willingness to share and verbalize feelings.
I know this may not all pertain to you OP, since you said your dad has Alzheimer's...so you may not be able to accomplish these things. If he does have moments where he can remember or something, maybe try and get what information you can out of him, as to where paperwork is, or questions you may want answers to. If things are too far gone, then you need to now do what you feel is right.
If you can make sure you know where all appropriate papers are, will, final wishes, insurance policy, etc. I know no one wants to think of these things, but it's so much worse being lost trying to set up a funeral, etc, with no clue where to begin and not knowing what your parent's wishes were while grieving and being depressed.
My dad always wanted to be cremated when he died because he was afraid of being buried alive, lol. So he is currently sitting in an engraved marble box in my mom's bedroom.
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
Woo. OK. First off, I got the Old Man to agree to a submit to a psychiatric evaluation. It was like selling ice to a fucking Eskimo.
He denied any mental deterioration. I said: "Look, for three minutes, forget we are father and son. We are just two men talking. Two friends. If the situation were reversed, I would want you to point out to me that I was losing it."
And that did it.
Well, I actually had to also break down into a (genuine) crying, begging mess.
To the above posters, I will address your posts, but right now I'm gonna go get drunk. And I don't get drunk very often.
He denied any mental deterioration. I said: "Look, for three minutes, forget we are father and son. We are just two men talking. Two friends. If the situation were reversed, I would want you to point out to me that I was losing it."
And that did it.
Well, I actually had to also break down into a (genuine) crying, begging mess.
To the above posters, I will address your posts, but right now I'm gonna go get drunk. And I don't get drunk very often.
voxmystic
Bluelighter
damn, jf, that must have been awful for you. the follow-thruogh probably won't be much more fun....hope you have plenty of booze on hand, friend. 
vibes to you....
vibes to you....
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
Yeah, it was no picnic.
Booze isn't my poison of choice, but I sure had plenty tonight.
Booze isn't my poison of choice, but I sure had plenty tonight.
coelophysis
Bluelight Crew
Be easy dude. Life is a strange trip.
Help?!?!
Bluelighter
Accepting death is something that is always hard and is that much harder when the person thats dying/died has been around your whole life. Mortality is something i'm no stranger with. Both of my parents had cancer(at different points in time), one(my father) died from a terminal case, and my mother has had cancer twice. I was pretty much taught the idea of death under the pretense that your mother has cancer and could die etc. At first I didn't understand any of it. I hated sitting in those boring waiting rooms for what seemed to me a lack luster reason(actually chemotherapy
). Finally the cancers growth had stopped and was removed. For a few years all was quiet until one day I came home from school and had a talk about my father's terminal cancer. My father and I had a horrible relationship and I hated him. However after he died I realized what Lakia had said he was who he was and no matter what he was my father. I think you just need to remember that no one is ever really gone, you'll always have memories, etc. Just know your living your life(going to Thailand) and your fathers living his(whatever it is he happens to enjoy).
). Finally the cancers growth had stopped and was removed. For a few years all was quiet until one day I came home from school and had a talk about my father's terminal cancer. My father and I had a horrible relationship and I hated him. However after he died I realized what Lakia had said he was who he was and no matter what he was my father. I think you just need to remember that no one is ever really gone, you'll always have memories, etc. Just know your living your life(going to Thailand) and your fathers living his(whatever it is he happens to enjoy).
556m4
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2008
- Messages
- 80
When I was 17 to 20 I watched my father die a slow death from bladder cancer which progressed into brain cancer and I was smoking weed and occasionally drinking and if i could go back in time (hindsight is a real bitch) I would have chose to be sober and cherish all the time spent with my father. Smoking and drinking was my way of coping with the pain of watching my father die. Now that i'm older late 20's I wish I could have experienced everything sober the good the bad and the ugly. It really fucked me up but I didn't know what to do. When the human body goes through an extremely traumatic event like the death of a parent there are natural coping mechanisms that take effect. Using substances to kill the pain only makes things worse in my opinion if I had to do it all over again I would love to be sober it makes life seem more valuable and precious. However this in only my opinion. Ultimately it's your call on how you want to handle your situation.
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
Thank you. I'm trying. I got my first good-ish (4 whole hours!) night's sleep last night in about 4 days. This was only after getting drunk for the first time in probably 18 months. I feel relatively refreshed.
Truer words were never fucking spoken.
Everyone else, I will address your posts, ASAP. I need some coffee and a long walk, at least. Alcohol hangovers are not familiar territory to me.
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
b4d, I agree that my father just wants me to be successful and happy..... I think his dementia is just contributing to the tunnel-vision effect that he will be alone. My father is computer-illiterate, and phone calls from Thailand the the USA will be costly. He realized our communication will be severely limited, in addition to simply not having me around.
badandwicked - I don't think the diabetes is directly-related to the shortness of temper; he's always had a short fuse, though.... so, I dunno.
Broken LCD: Yes, I know all those details are important to address. I figure getting his head examined, his finances figured out, etc. should take precedence, but I'll dedicate myself to Multitasking; I only have a month left up here.
Thanks everyone for the replies and advice.
badandwicked - I don't think the diabetes is directly-related to the shortness of temper; he's always had a short fuse, though.... so, I dunno.
Broken LCD: Yes, I know all those details are important to address. I figure getting his head examined, his finances figured out, etc. should take precedence, but I'll dedicate myself to Multitasking; I only have a month left up here.
Thanks everyone for the replies and advice.
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
Well, surprise, surprise, my father broke his promise to me to be mentally evaluated by the county.
Bad morning..... I straight-up asked him if he was simply tired of being alive, and he had no real answer. He claims to feel physically fine. When I pointed out that it was not so much his physical health as his mental deterioration that concerned me, he replied Well, my 'mental deterioration' is your opinion. I think I'm doing fine."
I told him that subjective self-evaluation, especially in circumstances like these were probably not reliable, and I could give him a laundry list of drug addicts, both dead and alive, that thought they were doing "just fine," despite any outsider's opinion to the contrary.
Finally, just now, got hold of his doctor, or rather his nurse, who referred me to social workers in the hospital & that they were the best people to call. Typical runaround. Health care in the USA is a goddamn joke.
Bad morning..... I straight-up asked him if he was simply tired of being alive, and he had no real answer. He claims to feel physically fine. When I pointed out that it was not so much his physical health as his mental deterioration that concerned me, he replied Well, my 'mental deterioration' is your opinion. I think I'm doing fine."
I told him that subjective self-evaluation, especially in circumstances like these were probably not reliable, and I could give him a laundry list of drug addicts, both dead and alive, that thought they were doing "just fine," despite any outsider's opinion to the contrary.
Finally, just now, got hold of his doctor, or rather his nurse, who referred me to social workers in the hospital & that they were the best people to call. Typical runaround. Health care in the USA is a goddamn joke.
voxmystic
Bluelighter
^ tru dat. they just slice you, dice you, dope you up, and send you a bill that you have to take out a second motgage to pay.
sorry your dad backed out of the evaluation -- which body parts do you have to sell to get someone to come out to his home?
sorry your dad backed out of the evaluation -- which body parts do you have to sell to get someone to come out to his home?
ocean
Bluelight Crew
JF- Man, this whole situation is a shame.
Maybe he will choose to get help before you leave- i don't think I read WHEN you plan to go??
Before you go , try to spend as much time with him as possible.
You never know- 50 or 70 or really at any age a person can just go-
Time with the people we love is precious- Enjoy it while you can.
Keep us posted.
Maybe he will choose to get help before you leave- i don't think I read WHEN you plan to go??
Before you go , try to spend as much time with him as possible.
You never know- 50 or 70 or really at any age a person can just go-
Time with the people we love is precious- Enjoy it while you can.
Keep us posted.
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
I leave Minnesota (where he lives) in 3 weeks, to drive to Texas. Wander around Texas visiting friends, etc. til late Sept, then drive to California to spend a week at Joshua Tree with one of my oldest friends.
I fly to Phuket out of LAX October 7.
I fly to Phuket out of LAX October 7.
rollingstoned!
Bluelighter
There is no one answer to this question, in fact you answered it yourself. You must make a choice, your father or your life. Either way it doesn't really matter. Just do one or the other, don't feel guilty.
I were you I'd buy some cheap Deprenyl over the internet and start putting it in his food, seeing if there is improvement, and then telling him you did it. Deprenyl leads to more neurotransmitters floating around (dopamine) leading to the activation of pathways that are normally poorly activated (memory), with his brain at least.
You could also bring him to wherever you are going until he dies.
You could kill him with his permission (both of you could have fun with it).
Seriously though, that is a shitty situation to be in, but be strong about this man. Taking drugs is wasting away the energy you could be putting into fixing this problem.
Dang I wish there was a way of living your life while not giving up on your father...Oh wait! Bring him with you? Or is that "out of the question"?
I were you I'd buy some cheap Deprenyl over the internet and start putting it in his food, seeing if there is improvement, and then telling him you did it. Deprenyl leads to more neurotransmitters floating around (dopamine) leading to the activation of pathways that are normally poorly activated (memory), with his brain at least.
You could also bring him to wherever you are going until he dies.
You could kill him with his permission (both of you could have fun with it).
Seriously though, that is a shitty situation to be in, but be strong about this man. Taking drugs is wasting away the energy you could be putting into fixing this problem.
Dang I wish there was a way of living your life while not giving up on your father...Oh wait! Bring him with you? Or is that "out of the question"?
junctionalfunkie
Bluelighter
I actually suggested that at dinner.... I find a nice quiet village somewhere he could while away his days, low cost of living, smoking opium all day.....
He didn't go for it.
He didn't go for it.