16 months on pods - Tapering completely in 4 weeks (log)

[leiphos]

it's day 12 of my own poppy taper, and I'm down to 1 ground pod eaten twice daily. the day before yesterday I was maintaining on 1.5 for a couple days, but my back pain yesterday was just too much and I took a full one in the evening. that's the one thing that worries me in the long term, my chronic pain.

today I drank 4 beers during the world cup games, and as those wear off, I find myself wholly unsatisfied with the "high" they gave me and these sleepy, depressed "after effects". at the moment all I want is a good opiate buzz going...

 

[Carl Landrover]

Yeh wow I mean that jumps the price up for me from $10 for the avg "get high dose" to around $20-25a day!
I'd have a hard enough time now using even amounts like 25gms a day at those prices.

That's really cheap for opiates. Oxy and heroin are much more expensive, especially once you start having a higher tolerance.

To get a good oxy high I need to spend at least $50 and that wouldn't make me nod either, just be a good high. I could get a nodding type high on $20-$30 of dope if I IV it, but after a few days that starts going up.

 

[Bojangles69]

/\ Yeh good point I guess I was kinda spoiled with the price of pods. I def couldn't have a large oxy habit spending $50 a day I'd wind up emptying my life savings just to get high.

Anyway figured I do an update here.

What initially happened was my first day off sub I took 12-15gms of pods and was held over pretty well. Then day 2 as the sub wore off I upped my poppy dose to around 20gms. Then day 3 I upped it to 25gms which was barely holding me over as all the sub left my system.

After that I stayed around 25gms feeling like shit for 2-3 days. I was definitely withdrawing somewhat from the sub and stabilizing back on the pods. Eventually I dropped down back to 20gms, then again down to where I started at 15gms. So the actual tapering didn't start till yesterday.

Because I was having issues with my original scale and never wound up getting a new one I measured the rest of my taper by shot glasses trying to make sure the volume in each glass wasn't compressed at all but just being weighed down my gravity. I started with 2 shot glasses full which was around 15gms. And I bagged 13 more doses taking exactly 1 full tablespoon away from each day. It goes down to the 13th day which is 1 full tablespoons worth prob around 1-2 grams total in pods.

Today I'm on my second taper dose, a little under 2 shot glasses full, prob around 13-14gms worth of pods.
I don't feel as good as I did prior to vacation but I think thats also because I was on lower doses and did most of my withdrawing feeling somewhat stable. Or maybe I'm wrong and I felt this "unheld" my first time around. Maybe I'm still stabilizing from the sub realistically as its only been out of my body for like 7 or 8 days.

Anyway having a vacation to look forward to REALLY helped a lot in the first version of this taper, I def realized that now. I was losing my mind so much yesterday that I called my school to make an appointment with a psychologist. I have to go in tommorow and I'm gonna tell him I'm tapering off opium and losing my mind.
Maybe just to have someone to talk to will help as this has been 100% hidden from everyone I know since I've started. I just need to hear that I'm doing the right thing and that it will all be worth it at the end.

So currently the dose is around 13-14gms. I'll be dropping 1 tablespoon a day. If it gets to be too steep I'm gonna def have to order more pods so I can extend the taper. I will prob wind up going down to 1 teaspoon for the jump off. I have still been working out but its not easy at all. Especially with this heatwave it just drains you of all your energy.

I guess at least the good news is I still have the mindset of getting clean. Somehow I've managed to adopt it permanently I just can't see myself going back to using. I mean I think about taking a huge dose and how good I would feel but its always RIGHT BACK to feeling shitty again. Feeling shitty is so much a part of using opiates imo that theres no other way out than just getting off this crap.

I'll be updating randomly so wish me luck! Thanks all.

 

[JackARoe]

I guess at least the good news is I still have the mindset of getting clean. Somehow I've managed to adopt it permanently...

I'll be updating randomly so wish me luck! Thanks all.

Bo! That's what it is going to take and your on the right path. It starts with a desire always and then a plan. So I have no doubt you'll wrestle this bull to the ground. You already are. Keep us posted. You will heal.

I remember well kicking pt and how much determination it took. That was back in 1999 when they were 1/10th the cost too. After that I've had a few shorter runs but not for years. The shorter ones were bad too but it didin't take a full 3 weeks like the long (years) runs takes. But after 4 full weeks of abstinence (total CT off) I was 100% normal with eating, sleeping, and living. I had to go CT because I can take an intense shorter wd over a longer drawn out milder wd but that's just me.

I have a lot of reading and catching up to do so forgive me for such a short response. I haven't read the whole post but noticed your name.

 

[Bojangles69]

Thanks JackARoe it really puts a smile on my face to see you back in here posting.

I remember my first time around CTing from pods amazingly I got through it rather fast (in a psychward of course lol) even coming off high doses. I think its due to my ultrafast metabolism and the withdrawal process being a bit more intense yet shorter than the avg person. Because to be honest once I got to day 10 the first time around I vividly remember I felt about 90% normal.

That was after a pretty decent 3 year run too so go figure. It was intense as it could possibly be for about 5-6 days but it started letting up rather quick after that. And thats the only reason I still consider just stopping completely now. But I DO think this taper should make the jump off easier and I'm really just too big a pussy to go through that CT experience again. If I'm lucky I may just have a few bad days after jumping off but I'm hoping I get back to normal as fast or even faster as the first time around because of the fact I tapered.

THANK YOU so much for your support and please continue to drop in and say hi. I think people might think I'm just being nice sometimes but a lot of these posts in this thread are the ONLY things that really keep my head above water. W/out this thread I'm sure I would have relapsed and gone back to using a looong time ago..

 

[Bojangles69]

OK Update day 4 of taper part II

This could possibly have been the worst condition I've been in since recontinuing the taper. I hurt my back 2 days ago doing shoulders at the gym.
The following morning I wake up and I'm sick as fuck. Have a terrible sore throat, my nasal cavities are so swollen I have to breathe from my mouth the whole day. And I'm walking around sweating, holding my throat, and everytime I make a quick movement with my body the pain in my back makes me want to cry.

Yesterday it was about 102f degrees out. I didn't even feel like a human being. I was a walking, dripping, mess of pain.
I say "fuck it" I'm doing something stupid.

I go to a park and take my shirt off, put headphones on and start slowly joggin round and round a 1/4 mile track. After my first mile I'm POURING SWEAT, my back muscles are so tight I wanted to shoot myself. I honestly think after that mile I DID try to kill myself.

I ran another mile in the smoltering heat. At this point Im dizzy and so out of it I almost feel high on a dissociate of some sort. I'm tired, my legs hurt, but I'm SO ANGRY at nothing I start running round and round. Then when I get tired I walk a lap, then run another, then walk 1 lap, run another etc etc.

Before I know it I counted 4 miles which took me a little over an hour to do in a 102 degree weather. I had the thought "if I go just a little further" I can prob induce heat stroke and drop looking like I was trying to do something good with my life.
So I start running another lap, and right when I start to walk the begining of the second lap it ACTUALLY FUCKING happens lol.

I have NO CLUE but I'm pretty convinced I fainted. I woke up in the grass with a fellow pedestrian grabbing my arm (noone was at the track before I fainted) on the phone calling 911. I start SCREAMING at the top of my lungs "I'm ok! I'm ok!!!", actually worried if I'm held over night at a hospital I'll go into wds. I'm slurring my words, not even sure where I really am and somehow manage to convince this person I'm alright after drinking some water.

They talk to me for about 20mins till I'm coherent again then leave.
After they leave I go walk over to the bleachers and think "I can prob do 1 more mile and that should do it". Then all by myself, sitting on the bleachers I start laughing hysterically, which in about 30seconds turns into full blow tears crying my brains out.

I was a FUCKING MESS. Haven't felt that fucked in the head for a looong time. I wind up catching my breath then drive home.

I still am sick as shit from the cold, I'm in minor withdrawals, Im dehydrated, still dizzy and my head feels fuzzy. I think "all I need to do is have one heaping glass of tea and all my problems will be over.. no more of this useless suffering". Go home and don't even go near my pods.

It was such a surreal feeling when I realized if that didn't provoke me to relapse, the "get high switch" in my brain is def shut off for a looongg time. Its weird how I don't even feel like I need will power anymore.
I had A LOT before leaving for the carribeans but now its tranfered into more of a habitual action now. I just CAN'T relapse. The realization is always there in the back of my mind that the WHOLE REASON I'm in the position I am is because of pods. And I really think if I relapsed that would be it, I'd prob end it all. I'm not suicidal though because I think if I was I would have relapsed already.

Anyway, today I'm down to roughly 11gms. I took 8mg lope last night and it DID manage to keep hotflashes at bay the entire day today so it was a small improvement upon yesterday. I'm gonna do the lope once every other day I think just for the hotflashes. But I still think lope delays wds so if I'm not feeling hotflashes I'm def not taking it.

I started taking vitamin D a few days ago and these last 2 days I woke up NATURALLY at 8am. I mean thats pretty much unheard as it usually takes 3 hours of fighting and pouting to get myself out of bed.
But today I jumped right out which was at least motivating. I really am starting to think I have a vitamin d deficiency and this may seriously become a cure for my late afternoon sleeping. I didn't even go to bed that early, at 1am and in the past when I do that I usually sleep till 1pm in the afternoon. So it HAS to be the vitamin d helping me wake up.

I also went to school to see a psychologist today and hes sending me over to a charity place to see a dr encase I need to be prescribed anything. I'll refuse to take any opiates or benzos but I def won't refused clonidine. So if I can get my hands on some soon that would really motivate me like nothing else to plow through the end of this taper.

I was also able to open up for the first time about my addiction, so that was nice too to have the doctor supporting me and commending me for having so much will power. It DID feel good when he asked "how do you plan on stopping" and I had already told him I was tapering then jumping off. When I told him I already said I was tapering he said "oh, so wait... you haven't relapsed?.. you've actually managed to stay on a taper for that long successfully?"
I smiled from ear to ear.

He excused himself and said thats it very rare for him to see people taking themselves off opiates and he just assumed for some reason I had gone back to using. It was akward but it was still one of the biggest compliments I could have got.

All and all after the hell I've been going through these last few days, the end of today there was def a slight improvement in my wellbeing. He said he will be monitoring me till I jump off and a couple months after that to make sure I have at least some support. So it felt good to feel like someone was watching my back (even though most drs are useless imo).

Well that pretty much is it for today. Tommorow I'll be back to 10gms and that was when I initially felt the first time around like I was stablizing. I mean the wds continue but they def get less intense. So hopefully in a few days things will get a little easier. Otherwise I'll continue updating randomly and thank you ALL very much for the support.

 

[QuasiStoned]

^^^
OMG man, running 4 miles in this heat would literally kill me (especially to do it in about an hour). I'm a cigarette smoker so I'm not in the best of shape but damn dude I'm glad you're okay and didn't have to spend your time withdrawing in a hospital.

I was also able to open up for the first time about my addiction, so that was nice too to have the doctor supporting me and commending me for having so much will power. It DID feel good when he asked "how do you plan on stopping" and I had already told him I was tapering then jumping off. When I told him I already said I was tapering he said "oh, so wait... you haven't relapsed?.. you've actually managed to stay on a taper for that long successfully?"
I smiled from ear to ear.

You clearly do have a lot of willpower to make it as long as you have on that taper. I couldn't do it man, I have to really commend you on that.

 

[jake99]

wow man . wow....................i think you need to chill a day or two and do something , your pushing yourself really hard. but your probably doing right thing , me on other hang im basically sayin f it , and giving up

 

[Help me please]

Mr. Bojangles, I am in absolute awe of you. My best to you.

J

 

[Bojangles69]

Thank you all for the very kind wishes I appreciate it.

It WAS very crazy those last few days but my cold seems to be going away now. I still have slight back pain from the injury earlier this week but thats getting a bit better too.

Right now I'm just sweating a bit with minor back aches. But I'm do for my dose as I'm writing this so I'm trying to sip it down now. I'm down to 9gms today so I'm getting back to those low numbers!!! woot woot!!! Haha its really crazy how happy I get when I get under 10. Its not even the way I feel its just in my mind I always think getting past 10gms is the hardest but when I do it the withdrawals start to lessen and I get a nice little boost in my mood.

So I'm very happy to be at 9gms. I mean literally speaking, I've been on a very low dose of opiates in general now for weeks. I mean I was only at high dose really for the first week of my original withdrawal, back in mid may. I think I started may 16 or so - so I was down to low doses ever since around may 23-24. Its friggn july 8th today and I'm still on fairly low doses. I just think the dose that count are the ones I'm at now (anything under 10gms as you're likely to suffer even coming off a 20-30gm a day habit).
And I had the period between June 14th to the 24th where I was usually around .75mg sub (it varied between .5mg and 1mg) so I feel like that part of the taper had me at doses that wouldn't be fun withdrawing from. I really may be able to jump off sooner then I think but I'm just gonna take it day by day.

Whatever the case as long as I'm under 10gms now I think in another week or 2 max I should def be able to stop completely. I'm going to fill out for a "charity card" today and they said in 2 weeks I can get treatment w/out having insurance at the clinic down the road.
I'm only gonna ask the dr for klonidine if he tries to give me anything else I'll just walk out the office. I'm not in the mood for a doctor to be telling me what I need to take. Just wanted to get this update out of the way. Will be back tommorow.


edit: I JUST REALIZED!! I had been estimating weight by eye, because this is how I chose to do the second half of this taper. And tommorows dose weighed in at 7gms flat. I thought I was down to 9gms today but I have to be much closer to 8gms. So thats awesome news all by itself. It actually feels like the taper is moving along once again, rather then taking forever. So i'm feeling good about that today. Not to mention my body is holding up quite well today.

Ok be back tommorow!

 

[Carl Landrover]

You've mentioned running quite a bit, so I'm going to assume you have experience with it, but you should be extra careful running in the heat like that.

Pushing yourself in this heat can be detrimental to your health and damaging to your body, and that's just if you're feeling normal. It's especially true if you're in WDs at all and/or are sick! People do die in this type of heat and if you're dehydrated to the point of being dizzy you can do serious damage your body. Definitely try to take in extra fluids (not just water either) and make sure you get some rest in cool/comfortable temperatures, away from the sun.


I haven't been running much the last 8 weeks, but I go running at night when I do go. I went the last 2 nights and it was still hot, upper 70's with 80%+ humidity, but that is a great deal better than 100+ degrees with the sun beating down on you.

If I do run during the day in the summer heat, I usually go on routes that never take me more than a few miles from my house and usually have the option of stopping at places that have AC, water fountain, and telephone if need be (YMCA, library, local bar, etc). If I drive somewhere to run, I always just bring gatorade and leave it in the car.


Good luck keeping up with the taper! I notice when I'm tapering on opiates and getting closer to being off them, my desire to do other things, which are sometimes fairly crazy, increases quite a bit. Just be careful of these emotions as they seem to have already gotten the better of you. Be safe!

 

[leiphos]

I'm down to 6.75g daily (eating grounds) and the heat here is absolutely killing me. I think I must live pretty close by, and walking that distance today outside made me lightheaded and sick to my stomach. be careful. also, why are not weighing your doses when it seems you have access to a scale? precision is the name of the game with tapering methinks.

 

[Bojangles69]

You've mentioned running quite a bit, so I'm going to assume you have experience with it, but you should be extra careful running in the heat like that.

Pushing yourself in this heat can be detrimental to your health and damaging to your body, and that's just if you're feeling normal. It's especially true if you're in WDs at all and/or are sick! People do die in this type of heat and if you're dehydrated to the point of being dizzy you can do serious damage your body. Definitely try to take in extra fluids (not just water either) and make sure you get some rest in cool/comfortable temperatures, away from the sun.


I haven't been running much the last 8 weeks, but I go running at night when I do go. I went the last 2 nights and it was still hot, upper 70's with 80%+ humidity, but that is a great deal better than 100+ degrees with the sun beating down on you.

If I do run during the day in the summer heat, I usually go on routes that never take me more than a few miles from my house and usually have the option of stopping at places that have AC, water fountain, and telephone if need be (YMCA, library, local bar, etc). If I drive somewhere to run, I always just bring gatorade and leave it in the car.


Good luck keeping up with the taper! I notice when I'm tapering on opiates and getting closer to being off them, my desire to do other things, which are sometimes fairly crazy, increases quite a bit. Just be careful of these emotions as they seem to have already gotten the better of you. Be safe!

Thanks I definitely needed to hear that. Even having experience with running thats most likely the only reason I was as arrogant as I was. But like you said at the end about doing crazy things, before I even went for the run I just had a weird urge to inflict pain upon myself.
It sounds weird for me to say, cause I've never cut myself or done anything like that before, but being in that type of discomfort that day really helped take my mind off how agitated I was been becoming with my life. And I think what else really added to it was the fact I had a sore throat and couldn't really drink water that day. I can't drink lukewarm water and cold water hurts when I have a sore throat so I should have known I was dehydrated.

And one more thing I wanted to say. I haven't tried running at night in this recent weather. But I know when I'm running on a treadmill in a gym it can be room temperature (I'm assuming around 70 degrees or so) and when I sweat it just becomes chill after chill after chill going up my back. I had ran a couple days before that inside, and was basically getting so many chills I would quit my runs early.
I noticed I can even get the chills sometimes when 80 degree wind blows on me and I'm sweating. When I was running that day, obviously because it was so hot, I liked the fact I wasn't getting any chills. And I think there was just so many different things goin on that led me to push myself like I did. But a lot of great points you make. Hope everythings going good on your side bro, take care.

 

[leiphos]

do you still feel it?

at such low doses, do you guys "feel it" at all when it kicks in? if I'm just lying down after taking it, I still feel some warmth, though it might just be the w/d relief

 

[Bojangles69]

I'm down to 6.75g daily (eating grounds) and the heat here is absolutely killing me. I think I must live pretty close by, and walking that distance today outside made me lightheaded and sick to my stomach. be careful. also, why are not weighing your doses when it seems you have access to a scale? precision is the name of the game with tapering methinks.

Prob the best question I've seen yet lol. This thread is really long and I think the answer is buried somewhere in the middle.

But the scale I have is a spring scale, and it only measures accurately above 10gms. Once I get down under 10gms it starts really messing up the doses. So what I did was measure 30gms one day in a bag, and I spooned out exactly enough to make it go down to 29gms. I used a shot glass, w/out packing the powder at all, and slowly dropped it into the glass then marked the volume. That basically became my new more "accurate" measurement of a gram. And to be honest my doses look a lot better now.

Before I couldn't help looking at my doses and thinking "wtf" because you could see in the bags the smaller doses looked bigger then the bigger ones, and it was just a mess. I could have splurged for a scale but the only place I know to get them is ebay and I was too impatient to order one. So thats the long explanation why lol.

I love how you're down to 6.75gms a day you are literally like a gram under me right now. Its so motivating to read that I wanna see if we can both finish around the same time. I'm actually VERY curious what the rest of your taper looks like? I'm dropping 1 gm everyday till I get down to 1gm (at about 8gms today), then I'm gonna stay at 1gm for about 3 days then jump. But it will still depend very much on how I feel.
Do you have a thread anywhere? Are you bored at all lol? I'd really like to know a lot more about your taper. Anything you can tell me I'd really appreciate. Like where you started, how long you've been tapering, how you're doing in general. It really is motivating like nothing else just to see other people doing the same thing I am with the same drug, and it usually make me feel better about my own situation.

But def don't feel obligated lol. =]

 

[Bojangles69]

do you still feel it?

at such low doses, do you guys "feel it" at all when it kicks in? if I'm just lying down after taking it, I still feel some warmth, though it might just be the w/d relief

Its really weird tbo.

I DEFINITELY do feel going from sick to ok, and its a fairly large transition on certain days so I feel that aspect.
In terms of feeling high not really at all.

Theres been time where I get a flash of warmth through a limb, or think I'm feeling a wave of happiness, but I think its more psychological at this point then anything just because I just drank a dose and my mind thinks its about to get high. Its a real weird feeling.
I think the low doses are the most important because technically thats when you should be doing the last of your withdrawing. If you stay low too short, then you risk carring wds over after you stop, but if you stay low for a decent amount of time (Im thinking anywhere under 5gms for 6-7 days) I think by the time you jump off you should be pretty good.

And still feel free to answer my other post if youd like lol.

 

[QuasiStoned]

I noticed I can even get the chills sometimes when 80 degree wind blows on me and I'm sweating.

ha, I had that same thing going on. One of the worst sensations I ever felt was going into the freezer at work while in withdrawal. That freezer is literally -10 degrees and I would run in a fucking t-shirt to grab shit and even though it's brief it's just such an awful sensation while sick.

This is sort of off topic but this is a problem I noticed which I think is likely due to my pod abuse. I noticed near the end of my addiction I was dropping weight. Now I am not a heavy guy, I've always had a ridiculously fast metabolism and had trouble putting on weight. I think at my peak I was like 145 lbs and I stand at like 6'2. But I weighed myself near the end of my addiction and I had lost like 10 lbs!! I guess I hadn't been taking very good care of myself. When I stopped I continued to lose weight and I'm now around 130 lbs, 128 without shoes on

I've been eating a ton lately trying to put on some weight. I'm sort of worried that I did something detrimental to my body... I was using JWH-073 a lot and also used 1,4 BDO countless times. I overdosed once on a combo of 1,4 BDO and phenazepam and refused to go to the hospital as I felt okay (after I woke up anyway). I'm a cigarette smoker and usually drink a cup or two of coffee so I suppose that doesn't help much. I remember pods used to make me eat like crazy but I think that near the end I was often sick and not very hungry or my stomach was full of 2 large cups of tea. It just seems weird because I usually hear people complain about how much weight they put on thanks to poppy tea.

Anyway, I can't believe your down to 8gms! That's awesome man, if I had to guess I would say that even if you dropped off right now you'd probably only have a few days of aggravating withdrawal. Since you've already made it this far I would just finish the taper.

Out of curiosity, are you going to have a lot of pods leftover when you're done? And if so, what do you plan on doing with them? It's funny because my plan when I quit was to keep a small "safety" of pods that I could use in case things got bad or that I could use further down the road to get high again. Even though I planned on doing that, I still ended up using every last pod before I quit. Glad I did though, in the past I would usually start up using again after only 2 weeks clean and would go right back to square 1 in no time at all.

Another thing I should mention is that even though I know I'm going to make it to at least 40 something days, the desire to use has strangely gotten stronger for me. Immediately following the aftermath of my abuse I had occasional cravings, but the hell that I went through was so fresh in my mind that using seemed ludicrous. Also I kept on thinking that things would just keep on getting better and that I might enjoy sobriety... Even though I feel MUCH better now that I'm out of that cycle deep down I'm still not happy.

Have a plan of action when you get off man and keep busy. You seem pretty smart and I really think that you might be over this shit and moving on with your life, and for that I congratulate you. Just expect that some ways down the road you might start thinking about using again. It might just be me though, I think that deep down a part of me still isn't ready to let it go. I think that you may be ready to though so keep up the good work man!

*Another last minute edit*
When you do decide to come off you might want to have some loperamide on hand. You might not need it, and of course you would know how you feel better than I. But I used loperamide for several weeks after I quit. I was taking about 8 pills per day at first and slowly tapered them. I made it down to 1 pill per day and finally stopped the other day.; I've been shitting twice per day but that's okay, I haven't had any serious GI distress so that's great.

 

[QuasiStoned]

do you still feel it?

at such low doses, do you guys "feel it" at all when it kicks in? if I'm just lying down after taking it, I still feel some warmth, though it might just be the w/d relief

Well, I personally never got my doses down as low as you guys have. I was always too impatient and very prone to screwing up any attempts at a serious taper. But I knew how to take a "get well" dose when I was sick. A lot of times I would store some tea in the 'fridge (usually only a gulp or so) but I would drink it before work to stave off the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. I can remember that the relief was always immense. I think that when you're sick like that just the transition from withdrawal to normalcy is a high in and of itself!

I never would get any true rushes of warmth (at least not like I did when I would get high) but I noticed that poppy tea had a sensation to cause my extremities to flush and that usually felt kind of warm. It was purely physical though, not the warm fuzzies or anything.

*Edit*
Holy shit bojangles, I just noticed this thread has grown to be 10 pages! I bet this thread will probably help a lot of people in the future. It's packed with info!

 

[Bojangles69]

For Quasi -

I think we’ve both mentioned this before but I’m really starting to think you’re my long lost twin with how similarly our bodies respond to pods. If I had the choice to withdraw during the spring, or mid summer EVEN with this crazy heat, I’d still pick mid summer just because of how bad my chills get even in moderate to warm climates.

I can deal with sweating, being drained by the sun, but I def prefer not to be having cold chills every 5 minutes of the day. And the freezer thing made me laugh. Everyday whenever I open the fridge I actually stand as far back as I can to grab things because something as simple as that will cause chills for me. They’re not painful or anything but they do give me a little shot of anxiety when it happens. Like “great, there goes my body doing w/e the fuck it wants once again..” and it makes me feel like I have no control over it.

About the weight thing I’m not sure if you put sugar in your tea, but I know right after I’d drink it my blood sugar would go up and it would trick me into thinking I had just ate. So I could go for most of the day not eating when I was having larger doses. I mean pods essentially became my food at that point from all the sugar. And currently with this taper I’m only eating 1 meal a day. Even still I put on about 15lbs earlier in my addiction, and now with this taper I’ve dropped 10lbs, so it seems pods have a much more drastic effect with you in terms of losing weight. But everything else you said is right on par for me.

And about the left over pods I’ve thought about that at least once a day I think since I started this taper. I actually tried to order just enough to get me to my last day, but I had about 40gms left over. I’m still not sure what I’m gonna do with it, but I think trashing it would be a much better idea than keeping it for “emergencies”. It will prob be near impossible to do, but I’m gonna try to not even think about it and just dump them in the toilet lol.

Update/Taper Time!!!

Ok this will most likely be long because my head was real clear today and I was thinking about so many different things. But I’m gonna try to keep the real boring details out.

Today was 7gms and started off with withdrawals but I know why because I haven’t took any loperamide in like 4 days. Every time this happens it just reminds me how effn crazy loperamide is for helping wds. Once you get this low, it genuinely feels like loperamide is doing more work than the pods are. So I woke up with hot flashes, I was ancy, had a wee bit of RLS going on and was fairly anxious. I didn’t bug out, I tried to calm down and realized I just needed to reup with the lope.

Took 8mgs, and it took a long time but around 4-5 hours later all the wds went away. It was also around the same time I was gonna take my pod dose. At this point I was thinking “why the fuck am I even taking my taper doses anymore?” So it IS becoming pretty obvious at this point that jumptime is nearing right around the corner. I’m just worried about whether or not the lope will be that affective 72 hours in wds. So I’ll still taper for another 4-6 days I think just to feel secure about that.

After that I had to go back to see the school psychologist I went to earlier this week, as he’s trying to hook me up with a counselor outside of school, a medical dr, and some sort of rehab so I’m doing something after I finally stop the pods. It was weird because when I left his office, I was all a sudden getting terrible cravings to use.

And I thought about it REALLY hard, and I figured out why I was getting them. I genuinely do believe this idea I’m about to mention about myself is true.

I’m only 28 but I’ve been off and on drugs quite a few times in my life (meth being the worse to stop ime for how badly it fucks your brain up). But EVERYTIME I’ve ever got off in the past, theres always been something in common. I ALWAYS turned to someone else to get me off the drugs. I’ve NEVER EVER done it by myself like I am now.

This is real deep so just pay attention lol.

The last time I got off pods I went to a detox. As painful and difficult as it was, at the same time it was very easy. I had a place to isolate, a nurse to come ask me how I was doing every few hours. Most of the people around me were a thousand times crazier then I was (so you never felt like you were being judged) and for the most part detox does a lot of work FOR YOU.

Now what that converted into leaving detox.

When I left detox, I felt like a failure, same exact way I’ve felt every other time I’ve needed help to stop drugs. I felt like a pussy, like I got myself into a problem, I fucked myself over, I was the dirtbag, and once again I had to turn to my family to drive me to detox and baby me through the process.
I had to use their insurance, I needed the doctors to tell me everything would be alright, I felt like a fucking hopeless loser who couldn’t do anything by himself right.

And I felt like pure utter garbage leaving detox that time. This might sound crazy (this is the deep part lol) but EVEN THOUGH I was off the pods, I had genuinely felt like the opiates won as I was sitting in detox after the wds had stopped.
And like everytime before, it came to haunt me in later months like a mfkr. Even after a year of being clean, I still had this sort of subconscious grudge in me like I owed pods another round JUST SO I could “win”. I know this has to sound crazy, but even though I’m still ON the pods right now, I feel like I’m going to “win” this time, I feel like I already won in a weird way.

I mean can this really have to do with why I started using again? Could I be so hung up on my own ego, that I challenged pods to another round of addiction just so I could “win” this time? It drives me crazy thinking about why I feel so “found” this time around, so confident about what I can do with myself, but before I felt like a weak POS. I didn’t really think about it until I left the psychologists office and started having thoughts like “oh what are you gonna start complaining now to the drs that you need some medicine to ‘help’ you jump off the pods? Are you gonna start telling everyone about your childhood problems and why you started using pods just so your addiction makes sense to them? Are you gonna whine whine whine about all the shit that bothers you in your life?”

Just SOMETHING about going to doctors makes me feel weak. Now I don’t mean about down the road when I’m off the pods and going to see a psychotherapist. I mean today when I’m still in the process of tapering. When I left that office I just felt weak for some reason, and I started thinking about relapsing. Not BECAUSE I was actually weak, but just because the environment matched detox a little bit and those feelings reemerged. It really reminded me that I was still carrying this grudge from my last lost battle with pods.

Maybe its my ego, but just **SOMETHING** about the fact that **I** am doing it this time really genuinely feels right to me. It feels like I’m not helpless. It feels like I’m for once taking true responsibility for my decisions. And it feels like I’ve already won. Its so hard to explain.
I’m just hoping this may be a sign that this will truly be the last time I go back to pods. And even having it in the back of my mind that I CAN take myself of them now, w/out help, takes a lot of power away FROM the pods. It takes a bit of that mystery and appeal away from them too. Cause I’m the type of person who is attracted to the unpredictable. Pods were unpredictable in the way that once I get on them how am I suppose get off them?
I felt like BECAUSE of that I HAD to avoid them. And I’m very much a rebel type person. I don’t like feeling like theres something I can’t do and it winds up pushing me towards that something even if its bad for me. And I think that really moved me closer to pods this last time. “I can’t go on pods because I won’t be able to get off them”, so just because I felt like I couldn’t, I did lol.

WHATEVER the case, I’m obviously a fucking nutjob lol. But the way the human mind works sometimes it wouldn’t surprise me if I took on this addiction for 16 months JUST so one day I could try to fight it and see if I could “win”.

But this is getting long so let me finish this.

Whatever I’m trying to say, maybe one day I’ll figure it out.
But I just feel like this time I’m actually choosing what I’m doing. Yeh I CHOSE to tell my parents I had a problem and wanted to stop like 4 years ago when I went to detox, but I think I was really just scared that I couldn’t stop not that I would keep using. And because it was fear motivated, I think that’s why I wound up relapsing. Obviously not for the right reasons.

I can’t say I won’t relapse ever again. But man do I have some goals for myself this time around. I’ve never gave myself a chance. I’ve never tried to even get into a career, I’ve never even tried to get married or have a family, I never even tried to give myself the things I think I need so I can not always be drawn towards drugs. But this time I’m def giving myself a chance. That’s at least 1 promise I will make to myself.

 

[bagochina]

Whatever I’m trying to say, maybe one day I’ll figure it out.

I'll bet you when that day does come you will be questioning yourself, what the hell was I waiting so long for? At least that thought comes into my mind but it is fleeting.

peace.
seedless