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Combat.... of a different sort

Ixchellian

Ixchellian

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 1, 2010
Messages
1,184
Location
Sheen's Torpedo Room
I got nailed back in '04 by an IED in Iraq. The Army docs in all their wisdom, hand out percocet & morphine scripts like mad. So while the morphine kept my pain to a minimum, I developed a healthy addiction to it.

It ruined my marriage of 8yrs.

It ruined my Army career.

It ruined the rest of my life.

Since I got out in '08, the VA simply continued to enable my addiction to junk. And in the meantime whenever I gobbled a script in 1/2 the time it was supposed to last, I took whatever else I could to maintain the numbness. Heroin, meth, ex.... it didn't matter (I never could drink though. funny). I lived out of my car for months, wasted my disability, and just got high because I didn't want to face the horrors of w/d, reality, and my memories.

If I'd had the balls to throw a .45ACP slug through the ol' grey-matter, I would've already done it. But that's proved tougher even than going outside the wire to face a certain firefight in which the golden-BB might come at any second. I guess I'm a much better gambler.
 
Ixchellian,
I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I myself a previous serving ( navy ). Thankfully I never went through anything like you. My husband went to Kuwait.

The military simply do not make the effort to help people. I know too well that they have treated you the way they have hundreds more. They offer no real help. What a shame. Really. I cant begin to imagine what you've been through.

The only thing I can recommend is seeing if you can get counselling. I'm sure through the VA you should be able to find a counsellor and have it subsidised through the VA.

Barring that, TDS is a good release and from my experience full of care and experienced advice. If you can't find help through the VA or elsewhere you can always come here. If anything to unload and get some re-assuring words.

I wish you the best of luck. Its one of those situations that, unless you were there, you just dont know. I wont pretend to know what you're going through. But I, like most of TDS can offer an ear. I hope you start to feel better soon. I know you feel low now but with some support you will start to feel better. Its a gradual thing but it happens.

Never lose sight of who you are.
<3
 
Thank you.... but who I was died a long time ago.

I've been off straight morphine for a while now, and I'm on day 4-ish of my latest CT cure.
The VA's counselling program is a joke, and I've been required by the court to attend it for over a year now.
Last year about this time I was thrown in jail for being a homeless vet living out of his car. Since I had a sizable collection of firearms by the time I got out of the Army, of course they were in my car. Someone spotted them and called the law, and I got pegged. My totally custom $5k pro MTB (a Santa Cruz Nomad) and all my guns had vanished by the time I got out of lockup, my ex used the opportunity to gut my savings and take my Jeep, etc etc.

I'm just hoping this cure will stick, but knowing my luck I dunno.

But again, thank you. I do appreciate it.
 
shit, I was hoping that was the worst of it. Thats crap. Its a lot to get through. I've never had to use the VA but I live in the UK now married to an ex UK serviceman. The military charities here will help pay for real help, not military crap.

Look, you're still the person you were in a way. Once you're on the mend you'll see that person come back. But lets face it, you'll never be the same. You'll be the old you but with more wisdom and spectum. I hope this new cure sticks with you too. You deserve every opportunity that comes your way.

The only thing I can say is, make the best of it if you can. If you can't you're always welcome here. This place does wonders for pulling a person out of the black. Stick with it and you'll find friends that you can call on at any time.
 
I promise you, You'll find this place a total haven of support. Its full of people who need support themselves but are never short of support for others.

If anything you'll find peace in here.
 
Ixchellian,
you fuckers are the most orphaned vets to date . I am a vietnam era vet (non combatant) and still use the VA . It is fucked third world medical treatment because there is no money and nearly no medical talent works for the feds (private practice is much more likely to pay their bills),

If you are not service connected disability then you sit on the bench like old men like me and wait your turn to be treated half ass .
 
Hey..... I can't PM people yet, so yeah.

Thank you.... really.
I should still be there, with my brothers & sisters. When my ex-wife decided to leave me, the Army was all I had left. There were a lot of times when good men around me died while I came through unscathed, and I still feel really guilty about it. It was just a lot easier to be numb.

I know most ppl here wouldn't understand much about the reasons why I turned into a junkie vet, so I won't really go into them much publicly.

I'm just trying to get through this cure.... although I have a bottle of laudanum calling to me still. I super want to down it, but I know it'd be starting over at day-0.... so I won't.

BTW.... I spent 4yrs in Germany, and I LOVED IT. I should've stayed there and could've, but my exwife wanted to go back to the States. I wish I could go back.

Hobhead- Fuckin' A right you are. Even more orphaned are those of us with IED injuries. Overpressure and concussive injuries can be just as debilitating as projectile wounds. But because we don't get Purple Hearts, we get treated like nothing is wrong with us. I do have a service-connected disability rating, but it doesn't count for shit with the VA. They low-balled me in the first place, and I'm still trying to get it upped. They're handing out 100% disability ratings to guys claiming nothing but PTSD, and I get fisted even though I'm hobbling around like Dr. House.
It's kind of funny in a sad way.... I'll sit around at the VA all day talking with ya'll 'Nam (Korea & WW2) vets, and the consensus is that nothing has changed with the VA system in decades.
 
fuck dog you put a face on all that's wrong with the system . you have nothing left to get taken but you somehow manage to loose each day .
fuck war - fuck the army !
 
Heh.... roger that ghostrider. roger fuckin'that.

I wouldn't really care so much.... except I LOVED being in the shit. Going outside the wire on my M2 or 249 made my weiner tingle every time, and when shit started flying I'd straight pop wood.
Being behind the ma-deuce and laying down lead on the hajii was about the only thing in my life I was really good at in my life.

It's really weird..... I remember each firefight or IED blast vividly, but I can't hardly remember anything else.

Oh, and back to the task at hand..... buproprion (insufflated), gabapentin, promethazine (anti-nausea & sleep-inducing), and different muscle relaxers are helping my CT efforts.
 
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man this story makes me sick and sad at the same time. i still can not believe how our returning veterans are treated... like vietnam but more on the down-low. it makes me sick how so many soldiers come back with anxiety/ptsd and get absolutely no help. i cant believe military still gives you dope....

well man i wish you good luck. and you know you still have a lot to live for. write down a list of things you want, big and small, material and intangible, and work on getting those things. the harder you work on that stuff, the less concentrated you will be on drugs. but as for getting through detox... you should probably go to a short rehab sesh
 
Oh yeah..... the docs even hand out percocet scripts for shit like bad sunburns! Their disability rating system blows goats (my first rating was 0%!!!), and I had to fight hard to get even what I got, and that's with a couple of blown-out discs and a torn up knee. The one thing I don't have that would've given me a free ride is PTSD. I've been tested so many times it's funny, and I'm PTSD free. Yet if I'd played the PTSD card, it would've been an immediate 50% rating. My integrity fucked me yet again.

The VA won't provide me with in-patient rehab/detox. Trust me, I've asked. All they have is an in-patient pain-management program.... but that's a bit TOO intensive for me. I HATE the VA hospital, and it'd be a nightmare being there for over a month. I'm not even gonna go into the *why's* of my hatred for the VA, beyond the obvious of course. At least not right now. I'm starting to run out of energy as the w/ds are starting to bug me again.

Yeh know.... being fucked on all fronts by the man has gotten to be normal for me. Nevermind that I gave up 7yrs of my life and my marriage to the Army. Oh well. All I really want is what I deserve, no more no less. And being labeled a drug-seeker and shelved by the VA is not it.
Still, in the beginning all I wanted was to provide for my wife and serve my country in wartime. I'm happy I got the latter done.
 
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Yeah.... so I relapsed to tramadol. go me.
i just re-upped on my Lyrica, and now I'm stopping the tramadol cold-turkey, so I'll see how that goes. pregabalin makes me feel goooood. no more pain.
now if I could just get off the junk.

Sometimes i think i might as well just go back to my good ol'fashioned morphine and meth. at least then I didn't give a fuck or feel anything.
 
That would be bad. I couldn't get either anyways. The VA doesn't support addicts, all they offer is counselling. If I went to my VA doc, told him about my problem, and requested a subox or methadone taper program...... I'd be red-flagged and black-listed. After that, it's UA's with every visit, counselling, and nothing stronger than tylenol. The VA doesn't see opiate dependance as a physical sickness, and as such they don't treat withdrawals.

I'm just gonna have to sweat this one out. I knew I should've tossed that tramadol.
funny though.... i have a bottle of laudanum just chillin.... that bastards calling me.
 
I really fucking hate war. I am sorry to hear that you are going through all this. love how the government treats our vets, just disgraceful. For what it is worth, I am glad you are still around. i always enjoy reading your posts, your very intelligent, you have my kind of sense of humor, seem like an all around good guy. :)

Hey my husband wanted me to ask you, did you lose your weapons in Florida? And how long ago. His swords were taken when I was on house arrest and we forgot about them in a closet, I got a VOP that was later dropped. Anyhoo, they tried to keep him from getting his stuff back, trying to make him think they were gone and it was no use. He fought and got them back. He said if you were interested in finding some info on possibly being able to locate yours, let me know.
 
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Hey man, stick in there, hope everything turns out alright. I was in the Army myself, eventually got booted (dishonorable discharge) for some shit I got into when I was back home. Can't say I was too dissapointed.

Like I said, stick through it, lean as much as you can on family and friends, and try get better help. Fuck the VA.

But, like you said, it's a rush. People won't understand that
 
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