You actually sound a lot like me with your personality. I can't kill myself either (although I tried once) because I don't wanna be forgotten either.
I don't wanna be some black and white memory that makes people sad when they think about me.
But I wanted to say you actually sound more like a fighter then someone who just rolls with the punches. When I get mad I've been known to curse off god myself. You may wanna take that energy/anger and direct it towards opiates. As bad a situation you think you're in, its really not. I recommend you switch to pills and start tapering for a month or 2. You don't have to lose your mind getting off opiates, I've been tapering for 2weeks and feel better then I have in the last 16 months using.
Your brain will NOT be fucked forever. As a matter of a fact, our brain bounces back from opiates fairly quickly. It always took at most a month or 2 off before I've felt "normal" again. While speed it took 8 years before I felt normal. Can you imagine waking up everyday for 8 years paranoid and depressed out of your fucking mind? Still feeling like your on speed when you've exhaused 8 years of effort to actually off of it? You really have a much better chance then you think, you just need to start being optimistic and stop being so fucking hard on yourself.
Getting off opiates doesn't require cursing at god and losing your mind, all it requires is changing how much you take everyday, dropping the dose slowly for a few weeks untill your off. I was as hopeless as you a couple months back, and I did exactly what I recommend you do. I took ALL of my anger and aimed it right at my DOC. I started a taper and 2 weeks later I feel GREAT and will be off opiates completely real soon.
This hasn't been some traumatic life changing experience. Its actually been so much easier then I could have ever thought. All you really need to do is just start. And whats crazier is when I was deep into my addiction, I'd sweat at night, i'd get moody during the days, I'd spend half my life in withdrawals when huge doses wore off, and tapering actually didn't aggravate a single thing. It slowly diminished all of those symptoms, and for once in my life I have energy and motivation to get up and do stuff.
I'm telling you this is really as hard as you make it. You don't have to make it a lifetime thing. Just challenge yourself with the anger you have, and see if you can get yourself off opiates for a month or 2. Treat it like an experiment. If you don't like it, then go back to using. But seriously, its not as hard as you think and you can start feeling better in a matter of weeks. Its up to you though to make that decision.
G/luck!
