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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Dealing with a totally square wife

T

Titus

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 8, 2007
Messages
708
Location
Boston, MA
Wife thinks Pot is the devil, u can guess what she thinks of 'harder' drugs. She knew I was getting fucked up as I had a bad accident and then started eventually abusing pain killers, etc. You know the story.

Then I had shit around the house and was nodding and shit. She didn't know what was up really as she is totally nieve in this area, I got away with telling her I was taking 'a relaxation medication' for a long time. Then she threw out like 2K worth of stuff and made me promise to stay clear of everything. Plus she eventually learned to notice changes in my face and eyes, a few years ago I could snort an 8ball of coke and be bugging out of my mind and say i was sick and she would make me soup and bring me shit and pamper me.

Those days are over.

Now I'm struggling with wanting to use small ammt's of opiates mixed with small ammt's of benzo for a mellow feeling without any nodding, slurred speech, etc. She is a good woman and the only woman i have ever loved and I am over 40. she is mad anti drug though so I am in a struggle. I can't talk about it all here I don't think but want to use at a low level with wife not knowing I guess.

Thoughts? Especially from those with similar experiences? I can use at a light level so I'm not off nodding and slurrng and shit but can't make my pupils not pin....
 
Tell her exactly what you feel. Show her to some sites such as erowid and help he be more informed on the matter of drugs. Talk to her, communicate. If you both love each other I think she'll understand.
 
i'm right there with ya. my SO hates all drugs b/c i got busted growing pot (sort of).

now i can't/don't smoke as far as she's concerned nor can i take pills or drink heavily.

don't hide shit though. she may leave you. but, i mean, that's her right. if she's intelligent enough and not immensely judgemental, she won't leave you. so, basically what i'm saying is to be up front and honest even though it's not what i'm doing with my life. if she's willing to leave you over some old bullshit like this, you are BETTER OFF. no lie, sorry if that is offensive.

i wish i could follow my own advice.
 
My lady friend is against drug use, she doesn't mind me using some stuff but definitely not opioids she doesn't know I'm addicted she knows I 'used to be'.

She lets me use but she has this fucked up attitude to people who are addicts or get caught with a small amount and have their lives fucked up, sometimes we argue about it especially because I feel very strongly that a lot of injustice has been done because of drug prohibition and that things need to change to protect users and help addicts.

But yeah I just keep it all from her.
 
Uhh said:
She doesn't need deception and lies.
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No, she really doesn't... is your recreation worth hurting her and lying? I could never understand that. That's not love, that's selfishness. Its a shame you guys didn't get to know each other better before marrying (at least in this respect) but now you are together so you should choose to either stay with her and be honest or leave and get fucked up.

Don't string her a long if you don't respect her enough to be honest.
 
Hey Titus,

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is having this difficulty. It does seem a bit like you're "past a point of no return" in that it would/will be very difficult changing her mind on these issues, especially if she's backing her anti-drug stance with things other than just that "they are dangerious" (not sure how much to read into your "devil" reference). In any case, it looks like you've got 4 basic options:

(1) Divorce.

If you really cannot see eye-to-eye on this and it's that important to you that your spouse or partner is okay with drug use to your level, then you could consider leaving. Find someone new who accepts this part of you. In contrast, if you know deep down that you're going to keep trying to use drugs and it's going to keep negatively affecting your marriage, perhaps you should spare her of having to fight this battle as well. I'm sure it's not fun from her perspective either.

(2) Keep hiding drug use from her.

This, in my opinion, is probably the worst option here. It's never good to lie and/or withold things from a partner. She WILL catch you again and the fights will just get worse, you'll want to numb the pain from the fights with drugs, it will escalate, etc. Even if you can somehow pull it off and not get caught, do you really want to live that kind of a double-life? Not to play the flipside card, but how would you feel if she was doing something that she knew you didn't approve of behind your back? I hope you don't choose this option.

(3) Try and educate her about why you want to use drugs.

Again, this may or may not be possible depending on how strong her stance is. I would start with an open and honest conversation about drugs being something that add spice to your life from a time to time. Though I wouldn't glorify them and man up and admit that you see and know the temptations. As someone suggested above, exposure to HR-orientated drug discussion and being around people who don't seem crazy/nuts on drugs is a good way to start. The danger here, aside from her not taking the bait, is that if you talk too much about drugs making you happy, she might feel inadequate as a wife. "Am I not good enough for you? You need drugs to make you happy?" In this way, drugs almost become like a third party to a relationship and people can feel jealousy and/or inadequacy if they don't share the same desire to feel such happinesses from drugs. If you do this, tread carefully please.

(4) Choose your wife over drugs.

Here you basically ride the momentum you shared about loving your wife and accept that you might have to scarifice the occasional nod or rush in order to make the relationship work better overall. Now is that really such a horrible thing? I mean with drugs, the relationship seems to have a lot of struggles (so less positivity coming about from other means), but taking drugs away would allow for the relationship to work better. For you two to have more joy from other things in life, possibly making you crave the accompanyment of drugs less. Fessing up to your wife that you know you have a problem (even if you don't think you do, it might be for the best) and tell her that you want her love to come first. Consider marriage counseling if you need it. But if you really do believe that otherwise you've found someone really special, take a step back and think about this. No relationship is perfect, and another person who does not give a shit about drug use might lack things which your wife has.

I hope that laying this out like this makes sense, man. Keep us updated on what happens with you both. I wish you the best.
 
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there is a common notion about substance abuse and that is most, if not many have to 'hit bottom' before the user is utterly finished with the shit that is destroying their life .

ah please don't bottom out and drive her off because you are to far gone into instant gratification and choose that rather than your spouse .

it is too late if you make her separate from you . drug fiends are the most immature adults as such totally self centered .

i went through a similar scenario decades ago and the ex was a user !
 
You've done well to brave the relationship for so many years!

I personally could never have a partner who did not understand the drug-taking aspect of my personality....

Not to say I'd date a trashbag again, but I'm all for the idea of finding myself another reformed trashbag....
someone who knows how to appreciate having chemically-induced fun ;)
but at the same time, doesn't let their life revolve around it

At the end of the day, she isn't going to budge, so you just need to satisfy your drugs outlet with your friends/via BL, where we're more than happy to discuss the topic at hand ad infinitum :p
 
Titus, I am kinda in the same boat. I'm over 50 and have been a drug user for 40 years. Always pot and the last 6 years addicted to opiates. My wife has no idea about the opiates. She knows of my love for pot but just overlooks it. We are not rich but we do have money and I take care of it so its no problem supporting my habit. Not bragging but our marriage is wonderful, no problems at all. I have to get off these opiates and I have to hide it from her. Thats gonna be a bitch. Thankfully over the years I scored subs on and off. I have a decent supply to wean down but still scared shitless about it. At this point in our marriage if I came clean with her she would stand beside me but I don't want her to ever know.

Peace and good luck!!
 
I'd generally say that if you truly love her that you'd put her first. But at the same time, I don't necessarily think things have to be completely black and white. I don't think she has to know everything, but that's just my opinion and realize many will disagree.
 
I would say honesty is best, but i don't really know if i would fallow my own advice if i was in your shoes. Then again i refuse to date anyone who isn't at least drug tolerant.
Anyway, i would agree with TearItDown, tell her how you feel and explain it to her. If you can convince her to tolerate occasional use, it could help you avoid addiction in the long run.
 
Your only option is to convince your wife that her anti-drug stance is retarded. If you can't use logic and reason to convince her that it's okay for you to use drugs, then how can you even know for certain yourself that you should use them?
 
^^^^ I think he probably is aware that he shouldn't be using them. But that's beside the point. The fact is, he chooses to. This is his vice, his mode of relaxation, his leave of absence from the stress that is everyday life.

Not all people can appreciate that, for what it's worth.
 
hyroller said:
^^^^ I think he probably is aware that he shouldn't be using them. But that's beside the point. The fact is, he chooses to. This is his vice, his mode of relaxation, his leave of absence from the stress that is everyday life.

Not all people can appreciate that, for what it's worth.
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What do you mean, aware that he shouldn't? Nobody is going to convince me that recreational drug use is something people "shouldn't" do; I could probably talk his wife into trying something psychedelic with me given a few minutes alone with her. The case for advocating that people should recreationally use drugs is sound.

Now, why hasn't he bothered to explain it to his wife?
 
Pretty fucked up how many people here just succumb to a relationship of lies with their SO. Don't get me wrong, I used to do the same thing when I was addicted to H, but in the end I was left all alone because of it...and the pain I went through as a result I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

If drug culture and using are really that important to you, why not find someone else who is accepting of that part of your life? Or at the very least, be open with your SO and make it clear that this is a part of who you are and what you like to do.

If it's something not worth sacrificing then you should either be honest about it or find someone who won't be hurt by it.
 
I don't see it as a black and white issue. No couple is ever going to completely see eye-to-eye. While it's ideal if a partner is understanding, I also think it's understandable why she would have objections because she'd be worried about his health. And with the stigmas involved, I can also appreciate how her respectability could be on the line.

I was once in love with someone who would have been completely disapproving. Had we full committed, I probably would have decided that he was worth giving up drugs for since I loved him and realized he cared, as well as disapproved from a moral standpoint.

But at the same time, I can't see what would be so awful if you still did it once in a while but were discrete about it. I don't think she needs to know absolutely everything; even in a relationship, people are entitled to a degree of privacy.
 
Couples sure can see eye to eye. It's not worth being 'partners' with someone you don't see eye to eye with.

People who take stigmas seriously aren't very respectable to begin with.
 
Coolio said:
Couples sure can see eye to eye. It's not worth being 'partners' with someone you don't see eye to eye with.

People who take stigmas seriously aren't very respectable to begin with.
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Yes, perhaps in the early starry-eyed stages...but while my partner is tolerant, we are certainly very different people. He doesn't stop me but how on Earth could I blame him if he expressed concern?? It would demonstrate that he was looking out for my best interest.

I agree though that couples will learn over time whether they're essentially compatible. But it's naive to assume that you'll always agree on everything.
 
hobhead said:
there is a common notion about substance abuse and that is most, if not many have to 'hit bottom' before the user is utterly finished with the shit that is destroying their life.
Click to expand...

This is true if you're talking about addiction but nothing in the OP's statement indicated addiction was an issue. The most (statistically) addictive illicit drug is heroin at 23% of people who try it becoming addicts and most illicit drugs are about 16% or less (alcohol and coke are around there, most are lower).

So roughly 85% of people who try illicit drugs never become addicts and its the addicts who people say have to hit rock bottom to 'see the light' and get help. Interventions have attempted to create early bottoms and have had some success getting people into treatment before hitting a true bottom, but again this is only applicable with addicts.

OP, do you think you *can* quit? If you can not quit alone then I think you need to educate her about the disease of addiction and certainly get some help. If you are actually capable of using once in a while then you need to be honest with her or leave the drugs behind... that's my two cents. I've lied in past relationships about drug use and I regret doing it and realize how disrespectful it was for my SO.
 
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