my hell ride off mmt to sub is going 2 stop
Long story short I just C.T. jumped off a whopping 150mg methadone almost 3 months ago and immediately went into detox. I did all this even though people clearly told me it would fail. I was out to prove them wrong, well I turned out the loser in the end. I went through wd hell for 4 or 5 days straight. Oh btw I was doing great on subs for the first two weeks, then like a bat outta hell I started becoming full of rage and went ballistic, ready to kill a handfull of people I despise in my pos town and state I live in.
I currently am on 3 8mg subs daily and I tried taking em all at once, then spread out through the day, I am also on 3 2mg xanax generic daily for ptsd. The xanax works better!!!!. I get absolutely zero effects from the subs, I am "about to rob the pharmacy" I am so fed up with not being properly Opiated in such a long "dry spell", that I'm not going to take it anymore. I am also manic depressed and so volitile right now that I'm about to come up with my own sneaky way to get ahold of any strong Opiate I can.
This is going to end my life, if things dont change FAST. I think I see my sub doc in a day or two and I dont even care if I get kicked off because I only went to 2 out of 3 na or aa meetings he requested or "strike 3" and I'm out. Well I am not into NA or AA at all and do not beleive in or about to start working a 99% failure rate 12 step program. I'd rather read from W.S.B.'s books. I know my body very well and since I clearly remember getting a very short "honeymoon period" for only 2 weeks back on subs and then it quickly going away. I tried being patient and I'm more patient that the average "joe".
Well when I lose my patience, "the shit hits the fan and so it has". I went manic about a month ago when trying to just finish working on the family car I hate working on. I was cussing as loud as I could, didn't give one F about anything after that. Well I started bustin up shit like crazy in the basement from my "current bored tired out old hobby in electronics". That was a mess to clean up. I am so fucking pissed today, because there is a huge spring cleanout in the town near me. Most people here know of them, usually a town has it every 1 or 2 years, well today is the day to find stuff and I've been so in "fuck it" mode about life in general lately, that I didn't bother borrowing my bros truck. I probably will miss out on stuff maybe, that I could make quick easy money on selling on auction after cleaning up etc, with 20 years of tech experience, I used to make ok money. Now I dont have a fucking pot to piss in.
All because my attempt to get revenge on the "dump" mmt clinic I was at before failed. SO, I called "the bitch" I want to kill literally at "the dump" and she still was a c**t. Seeing that "worthless" still works there, now I am going to have to go to a clinic 45mins from me as opposed to 20mins(very minor inconvenience). Well first thing tomorrow when I get up, I'm calling the mmt clinic that I've never been at before. I only found out about it, because I met some total loser, who was cool at first as I was coming outta the clinic I was at last year in august. We went back to his place which was a total flophouse, but I didn't care, I just was interested in trying crack at first. Well that was awesome to feel that "Morphine like buzz", because the crack potentiated the methadone. I have odd body chemistry, so I got feeling great again for a few weeks, that's until he turned "asshole in a day on me", I dumped him and then shit started hitting the fan at the "dump"
I quit coming in at the same time "mr asshole came", but he told me about the clinic in his town, he said he got kicked out LOL ha ha for having too many dirty UA's from H or crack etc. But he told me, "man the one where i live is way better, they charge you on a sliding fee scale and dont treat you like a fucking cow like the one we are at now. So I'm all hopeing and hanging by a thread of last hope, that when I get into this new clinic, that I get my life back off subs and get properly Opiated on a full agonist Opiate.
What a total failure and waste of detox etc this has been, this is the story of my life, all my life, things suck so much of the time, with very little time inbetween of "happy great things going on". I'm very suicidal now and have a very small glimmer of hope. Wish me luck everyone that going back on mmt at a better place will work out.
I should have just went to the better clinic back then, but in a way I think this was good because at least now I know for sure where my tolerance stands and taking a break from Opiates can help too, so the detox was not really a total waste but I took too long to realize sub does not work like it did back when I just had a norco habit bigtime. They even told me at the clinic I hate, that once I switched to a much stronger and full agonist Opioid(methadone), that going back on sub would not only be misery, but it would simply not work again. Well now I know the truth, I just wish I had went to the better clinic a few weeks ago, before I started pissing money away on tussin cough syrup to get high. I had close to $200 cash on me a few weeks ago and could have saved myself from alot of hell, if I had just went into the better place and got off this sub then.
Now its just a matter of money and when I can get into the better place, plus figuring an easy way to keep them from knowing about "the bitch from hell" or anything at all about me even being at the "dump". At least I will get better take homes at the new place, well sorry for rambling again, I'm just sooo pissed right now, wish me luck everyone.
