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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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^ I wouldn't want you to kill yourself, Jack. You've been very supportive to myself and others in this thread - you have a kind heart and a lot to offer.
 
^

last night it seemed ridicules, and completely impractical to continue this. all day today i start to laugh, or enjoy myself, and i get hit with the thought -you're fooling yourself- and i have to pass it off fast.

it is an enveloping, feeling of relief, and then many many others, most of which dont feel very good.

i dont like doing anything in life that brings up too many what ifs... but im made to deteriorate, my immune-system is eating away at me, doing its job, and so much more. it seems so dumb to try and sustain this, and let all my loved ones feel a sense of terror and sadness when they think about me now. they would naturally be happier, and under a lot less stress, they are always worried because new stuff pops up, and its all life altering shit.

ive experienced a lot in my lil ol 31 years, its ok.

Kid Cudi - Pursuit Of Happiness ft. MGMT, Ratatat
 
panic in paradise said:
^

last night it seemed ridicules, and completely impractical to continue this. all day today i start to laugh, or enjoy myself, and i get hit with the thought -you're fooling yourself- and i have to pass it off fast.

it is an enveloping, feeling of relief, and then many many others, most of which dont feel very good.

i dont like doing anything in life that brings up too many what ifs... but im made to deteriorate, my immune-system is eating away at me, doing its job, and so much more. it seems so dumb to try and sustain this, and let all my loved ones feel a sense of terror and sadness when they think about me now. they would naturally be happier, and under a lot less stress, they are always worried because new stuff pops up, and its all life altering shit.

ive experienced a lot in my lil ol 31 years, its ok.

Kid Cudi - Pursuit Of Happiness ft. MGMT, Ratatat
Click to expand...

You have an autoimmune disease?
 
Damn, PiP. That is difficult to respond to.

You are a good looking guy with a sharp wit, and ocean is a top-notch woman (though you do not have to be told that, I am sure). She is obviously the universe to you.

I am not certain of what you said, though if you are on your way out, you are doing it right.

<3
 
Jekyll and Hyde said:
You have an autoimmune disease?
Click to expand...

yeah, i have several diagnosis's and more work being done/planned.

i have uhg, um

ankylosing spondiliitis, osteoarthritis, leukocytosis(neutrophils, basophils), anemia, a bad reaction to the TNF pain blocker remicaid, which is worse then the rest, insane constant pain all in my rib cage... and what seems like my pulmonary system. pleurisy, bi latteral sacro iliitis, pelvic sclerosis, and id have to go get my charts.

plus schizoeffective and bi polar. i have terrible reacdtions to meds, and was hypoglycemic for years, my glucose would go into the 40's... its a constant battle, and really only for medical coverage, because i could never pay for any of it.
\

i give my self a shot of humira every 10 days, promethezine, and med marij., i also self medicate with poppy pods. i seriously wou;ld be dead or in a psych ward if i didnt have them, the pain is incredible, mostly from the remicaid reaction, on 11/24/09, to this moment, my lower right rib feels like the bend is cracking, and there are hot 1/2'' steal rods pressing random places all along that area, atm, it changes all the time in my ribs.

now they want an endooscopy... man, wtf for, how long am i going to sit in this wreck, and why? its changing everyone in my families life, and financial situation, with the medical paid for, if not, we would easily be oin debt a million in 5 years over med bills alone.
 
panic in paradise said:
yeah, i have several diagnosis's and more work being done/planned.

i have uhg, um

ankylosing spondiliitis, osteoarthritis, leukocytosis(neutrophils, basophils), anemia, a bad reaction to the TNF pain blocker remicaid, which is worse then the rest, insane constant pain all in my rib cage... and what seems like my pulmonary system. pleurisy, bi latteral sacro iliitis, pelvic sclerosis, and id have to go get my charts.

plus schizoeffective and bi polar. i have terrible reacdtions to meds, and was hypoglycemic for years, my glucose would go into the 40's... its a constant battle, and really only for medical coverage, because i could never pay for any of it.
\

i give my self a shot of humira every 10 days, promethezine, and med marij., i also self medicate with poppy pods. i seriously wou;ld be dead or in a psych ward if i didnt have them, the pain is incredible, mostly from the remicaid reaction, on 11/24/09, to this moment, my lower right rib feels like the bend is cracking, and there are hot 1/2'' steal rods pressing random places all along that area, atm, it changes all the time in my ribs.

now they want an endooscopy... man, wtf for, how long am i going to sit in this wreck, and why? its changing everyone in my families life, and financial situation, with the medical paid for, if not, we would easily be oin debt a million in 5 years over med bills alone.
Click to expand...

Geez man, keep fighting. I see you're using holistic methods as well, my stepfather who has passed away from leukemia considered taking humira, how do you feel it works for you? It seriously seems as though your immune system is going all out at you as though all your body parts are transplants. Good luck man, you'll be in my prayers.

EDIT: I confused humira with another compound, sorry.
 
"Bamboo Spine"

the humira, doesnt do much, not for $966 a shot.

my main concern is the chest pain, it has disrupted and shaken me to the core with unbearable pain - my rhumie just recently sent a report to remicaid. my reds had been dropping slowly.1,.1,.1... but an hour into the infusion the pain started, and went into a nightmare of pain, dropped 45 lbs, and my reds went down to anemic levels, the down again lower, and the myoblasts, not baso's, came out. ive gained 5lbs back, but probably have lost 10 more.

my neutrophils have been free radicals this whole time, steadily raising for years.

i do not have the gentic marker for ankylosing spondiliitis either, a corrupted chromosome, # 18 (?) the philadelphia chromosome.

its very very rare, .8% of the world, and even more rare with out the genetic marker...

and progressive, the whbc's eat the tendins, and other tissue, and calcium tries to infuse the joints, mostly the spine, tumor growth is almost expected on the spine, and non operable, the humira is highly carcinogenic its self, all the TNF's, but my rhumie made it clear, that my risks are far exceeding with AS, sooo.
 
panic in paradise said:
yeah, i have several diagnosis's and more work being done/planned.

i have uhg, um

ankylosing spondiliitis, osteoarthritis, leukocytosis(neutrophils, basophils), anemia, a bad reaction to the TNF pain blocker remicaid, which is worse then the rest, insane constant pain all in my rib cage... and what seems like my pulmonary system. pleurisy, bi latteral sacro iliitis, pelvic sclerosis, and id have to go get my charts.

plus schizoeffective and bi polar. i have terrible reacdtions to meds, and was hypoglycemic for years, my glucose would go into the 40's... its a constant battle, and really only for medical coverage, because i could never pay for any of it.
\

i give my self a shot of humira every 10 days, promethezine, and med marij., i also self medicate with poppy pods. i seriously wou;ld be dead or in a psych ward if i didnt have them, the pain is incredible, mostly from the remicaid reaction, on 11/24/09, to this moment, my lower right rib feels like the bend is cracking, and there are hot 1/2'' steal rods pressing random places all along that area, atm, it changes all the time in my ribs.

now they want an endooscopy... man, wtf for, how long am i going to sit in this wreck, and why? its changing everyone in my families life, and financial situation, with the medical paid for, if not, we would easily be oin debt a million in 5 years over med bills alone.
Click to expand...

Now that I think of it, at one of my old jobs we worked on a monoclonal antibody against TNF alpha. That company worked very closely with autoimmune diseases such as MS, reumatoid arthritis, Crohn's, and neuropathic pain. I honestly didn't feel like a whore working for that company, as I usually feel science for money, while is necessary, isn't for me.
 
alpha-1 tumor necrosis factor; pain blocker.

makes you very susceptible to infections, and virus's. especially vascular or pulmonary infections and diseases.

are you thinking of enbral/enbrel(sp)?

i almost took a cell mutatetor, but changed my mind.
 
panic in paradise said:
alpha-1 tumor necrosis factor; pain blocker.

makes you very susceptible to infections, and virus's. especially vascular or pulmonary infections and diseases.

are you thinking of enbral/enbrel(sp)?

i almost took a cell mutatetor, but changed my mind.
Click to expand...

I actually think the name of it was carnivora, it was some protein that was found in a plant, I believe.
 
panic in paradise said:
heh

its amazing really. i stay interested and educate myself in stead of hide from it... but there is no hide. haha
Click to expand...

Yeah, when my stepfather contracted a very rare form of leukemia I researched publications about the sorts of treatments they were using and I put together info packets for the rest of my family. I say its good to stay educated about what's going on, so you know the right questions to ask.
 
http://www.carnivora.com/about-carnivora.html

This is the holistic treatment I was referring to, it is called Carnivora, its an extract from the venus fly trap (thus the name) that's suppost to boost the immune system and promote health in general. I'm not advertising for or promoting this product in any way.



panic in paradise said:
heh

its amazing really. i stay interested and educate myself in stead of hide from it... but there is no hide. haha
Click to expand...
 
oh whoa... interesting. it makes me curious very curious, if the humira isnt helping much for the inflammation, no where near as much as marijuana, is it still preventing fusion?!? the fusion is the big worry in the long run.
 
yeah, my L4&L5 are close.

my vertebrae are the most likely to fuse, and if it gets bound well i could easily fracture or worse a vertebrae or do nerve damage.

im supposed to watch my sleep posture.

i have a physical therapy routine, but am way to lethargic from the anemia, cytokines, and lack of nutrition that most of it, except certain stretches(screaming cat) are redundant and cause pain in my chest to flare up worse.

my i guess my T8&9 are on fire, and feel like they are going to POP through my skin.

some peole with AS a lot actually, have pain in their jaws, it can be damn painful to talk loud, breath normally, exert my chest, raise my arms, put them to my sides, move them to far from my sides, i couldnt imagine that in your jaw....!
 
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