Living with HPPD.

[abcdefg123]

Before I get started I have been living with what seems to be HPPD and even if it's not who gives a fuck since the symptoms are nearly the same. My visuals are altered 100% of the time. Breathing walls, flashing objects, and tracers are what I've been experiencing mostly. Anyways, I'm not going to get into how I got it but rather how I've been living with it and how it's progressed and changed over time. Hopefully this will be of some help to people struggling with it and I'd like to have a reference of my HPPD somewhere too =P

These are almost just scattered notes of the biggest parts of my life when I had HPPD. I'll probably add more over time (if people are interested..).

I'm sorry if it's hard to read or makes no sense because of the jumbleded order. I'm always open to suggestions on things to re-organize && add.

The Beggining

Alright so I am currently 16 years old and got HPPD when I was around 14.
At first it freaked me out, I constantly had anxiety and had the irrational fear that people were trying to give me hallucinogens (and I would have a bad trip again). Thankfully I got HPPD in the summer where I didn't have school.

But then, school started and it all got worse. After (and during) my trip I vouched to never do drugs again. We all know how long that lasted >_<. All my friends did drugs and I still did them with them. The only pleasure I would ever get from being high would be if I was doing benzos. Whenever I smoked weed I would get really scared and start seriously tripping. It made my HPPD 10x worse along with anxiety. And doing ecstacy made my HPPD worse for longer periods of time. It felt like any progress I made with coping was destroyed each time I did ecstacy. So just a warning to people thinking about doing E (I did about 4 times more after I "got" hppd) 8)

I wouldn't do anything to let my friends know I was scared, I would just be sitting there freaking out quietly. Hell, even alcohol would give me anxiety and that's really weird.

Late Nights

For some reason, mostly at night around the same times on random days (around 9pm) I would get anxiety attacks, I guess you could call them. Only I didn't have shortened breath and I could breath just fine. But it would literally feel like I was tripping again. All my thoughts became irrational, and even when I told myself "It's all in my head" and I KNEW it was fake It didn't make me feel better. It was like my HPPD increased and reality was... blurry I guess you could call it.

I would feel this weird burning sensation (same feeling I got when tripping) on random parts of my body. Basically every aspect of my HPPD was heightened. Objects would have this.. bright glow around them which was flashing constantly. This happened all the time, but not as "strong". I would find myself rubbing my hair for hours (like I did while tripping..) before this went away and I could go to sleep..

I'm sorry to say I found nothing that could help me cope with this. Except maybe taking a shower.

I also notice that every nite, my dreams are really vivid as if they were memories.

My new reality

As of now, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm living with HPPD and it may never go away. I have completely forgotten how I used to see life and how it looked. I have forgotten the what it was like to have a normal thought process and a good memory. I have forgotten the world as I used to see it, completely.

There is no way to describe it. I constantly see imprints of objects in my vision. The entire room always seems like it's in motion while everything is still. Things out the corner of my eye "shift" positions (which could explain the constant movement feeling).

But aside from the visual alterations, my mind feels like It's in a fog. There's no other way to explain it.

Before I get started I have been living with what seems to be HPPD and even if it's not who gives a fuck since the symptoms are nearly the same. My visuals are altered 100% of the time. Breathing walls, flashing objects, and tracers are what I've been experiencing mostly. Anyways, I'm not going to get into how I got it but rather how I've been living with it and how it's progressed and changed over time. Hopefully this will be of some help to people struggling with it and I'd like to have a reference of my HPPD somewhere too =P

Still the same..

So basically it's been nearly two years with HPPD. And honestly it's not that bad once you have been living with it for that long. It basically becomes your normal life, and that may sound bad when you first get it you will feel a lot better over time. Do not think your brain is fucked and you're going insane.

I haven't had anymore panic attacks from my HPPD in months now. I no longer think people are trying to sneak me drugs. My visuals are about the same.

I should also say that I have NOT been sober for longer than two weeks during these two years, so if you stop drugs you probably have a better chance of "curing" HPPD.

So long story short, just be patient. Time seems to be the best remedy.

 

[Divine Moments]

Great post, thanks! :D

I also have HPPD, for about 1-1.5 years now. I totally agree that it's fucking scary at first but you get used to it and learn to live with it. I want to post a bit more about my experience but I'm way too tired right now. Maybe tomorrow.

 

[jamesmartin]

I'm not sure about this but I heard that if you can just go sober for a few months then HPPD can go away ?

But it also sounds like you have pretty bad anxiety fom it . Have you seen a doctor about your problem ?

 

[klinklonfoonyak]

is your hppd diagnosed by a doctor i ask caus a friend self diagnosed himself with hppd and it was later found out to be a defence mechanism hed created due to the fact he was scizophrenic and was expierencing constant minor hallucinations
wat drugs do you do

 

[abcdefg123]

I haven't gone to any doctor about it. And like I said, even if it's not HPPD it's a hell of a lot similar and this could still help someone.

I only smoke now-a-days.

And the anxiety is still there, but it's not as bad as it was.

 

[vortex30]

That was like reading the story of my life, only you had to deal with it all at a much younger age. I got HPPD in May 2008, when I was 18. At first it was 'cool', it didn't bother me at all, it was entertaining, hell, it was summer, everything looked beautiful, I didn't have many stresses so only once in a blue moon did I think, "maybe everything isn't alright here." Then I had a fling with Clonazepam just before university started (ran out first week of uni) and I had to face the daunting reality of light benzo withdrawals, HPPD, new school, new city, new people, new social norms, and a WHOLE lot more socializing than I had ever done in high school.

Things were OK for a while, I was smoking a lot of weed and making friends who I am still friends with today. Then winter hit...

All the beauty was stripped from the world. Everything looked disgusting and grim. I fell into some crazy times January 2009. I met a girl who I fell for SO hard, first girl I ever had feeling for, but this sudden rush of emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop thinking, and I didn't sleep for 5 days. Finally I went to see the doctor and was given Zopiclone and got some sleep. As I came out of my insomnia, I realized my HPPD had gotten 5x worse and now I had depersonalization added to it. Every fucking day I would sleep until 3-5pm as I couldn't face the world, go to the cafeteria, eat, go back to my room, watch downloaded TV Shows (thank god for House, Lost, and Weeds for getting me through these nights). I would be tripping out in my room every night from 7-12 and would cry, worry, etc. until I finally passed out.

I knew I needed help, so I had a roundabout way of turning my Zopiclone prescription into a benzo prescription. Complained of the metallic taste and diarrhea, so was given Oxazepam. Also asked to be hooked up with a psychiatrist. Explained EVERYTHING to him, my situation, how Clonazepam works for me, how I feel like I'm on the edge, etc. I was prescribed 0.5-1mg Clonazepam per day from late January to mid March. Thank god. Saved my life.

Shit wasn't perfect on Clonazepam, not in anyway, it just stopped getting worse and worse and I slowly got my life back in order. By March I was no longer obsessing over this girl, I was getting school work done and was actually going out and socializing again (from January - late February I told all my friends I was 'laying low' and quitting weed [which I did]).

Tapering was a bitch, naturally, and took from mid March to early May 2009. But once the taper ended...I was free. The visuals were still there, but less, the 3 month weed break while I was on Clonazepam ensured this. The thing is, they no longer bothered me, I felt nearly myself again, and could laugh and smile and not always think back to that one trip.

So that is one year on.

Since then I've abused the shit out of Mephedrone and GBL, smoked weed once a day, used MDMA, Ketamine, all manner of opiates and benzos. Basically, I reverted back to my old drug use, with one major difference. NO MORE PSYCHEDELICS, EVER!

This worked all summer and autumn, but the stims and constant GABAnergic withdrawal/dependence was a huge nag, so New Years 2010 I cut out Mephedrone (though I used a few times) and GBL and benzos, for the most part, and started exercising, getting all my sleep, and eating well.

Almost 2 years on, my only symptom is static in my vision, little dots of colour that really shouldn't be there. The winter doesn't look so bad, summer I'm sure will look beautiful.

As a person, I feel I've conquered some serious mental health issues, it took a long time, but to everyone out there suffering: give it time and let your mind heal. IT WILL HEAL!

 

[Mantis Style]

That was like reading the story of my life, only you had to deal with it all at a much younger age. I got HPPD in May 2008, when I was 18. At first it was 'cool', it didn't bother me at all, it was entertaining, hell, it was summer, everything looked beautiful, I didn't have many stresses so only once in a blue moon did I think, "maybe everything isn't alright here." Then I had a fling with Clonazepam just before university started (ran out first week of uni) and I had to face the daunting reality of light benzo withdrawals, HPPD, new school, new city, new people, new social norms, and a WHOLE lot more socializing than I had ever done in high school.

Things were OK for a while, I was smoking a lot of weed and making friends who I am still friends with today. Then winter hit...

All the beauty was stripped from the world. Everything looked disgusting and grim. I fell into some crazy times January 2009. I met a girl who I fell for SO hard, first girl I ever had feeling for, but this sudden rush of emotions overwhelmed me. I couldn't stop thinking, and I didn't sleep for 5 days. Finally I went to see the doctor and was given Zopiclone and got some sleep. As I came out of my insomnia, I realized my HPPD had gotten 5x worse and now I had depersonalization added to it. Every fucking day I would sleep until 3-5pm as I couldn't face the world, go to the cafeteria, eat, go back to my room, watch downloaded TV Shows (thank god for House, Lost, and Weeds for getting me through these nights). I would be tripping out in my room every night from 7-12 and would cry, worry, etc. until I finally passed out.

I knew I needed help, so I had a roundabout way of turning my Zopiclone prescription into a benzo prescription. Complained of the metallic taste and diarrhea, so was given Oxazepam. Also asked to be hooked up with a psychiatrist. Explained EVERYTHING to him, my situation, how Clonazepam works for me, how I feel like I'm on the edge, etc. I was prescribed 0.5-1mg Clonazepam per day from late January to mid March. Thank god. Saved my life.

Shit wasn't perfect on Clonazepam, not in anyway, it just stopped getting worse and worse and I slowly got my life back in order. By March I was no longer obsessing over this girl, I was getting school work done and was actually going out and socializing again (from January - late February I told all my friends I was 'laying low' and quitting weed [which I did]).

Tapering was a bitch, naturally, and took from mid March to early May 2009. But once the taper ended...I was free. The visuals were still there, but less, the 3 month weed break while I was on Clonazepam ensured this. The thing is, they no longer bothered me, I felt nearly myself again, and could laugh and smile and not always think back to that one trip.

So that is one year on.

Since then I've abused the shit out of Mephedrone and GBL, smoked weed once a day, used MDMA, Ketamine, all manner of opiates and benzos. Basically, I reverted back to my old drug use, with one major difference. NO MORE PSYCHEDELICS, EVER!
This worked all summer and autumn, but the stims and constant GABAnergic withdrawal/dependence was a huge nag, so New Years 2010 I cut out Mephedrone (though I used a few times) and GBL and benzos, for the most part, and started exercising, getting all my sleep, and eating well.

Almost 2 years on, my only symptom is static in my vision, little dots of colour that really shouldn't be there. The winter doesn't look so bad, summer I'm sure will look beautiful.

As a person, I feel I've conquered some serious mental health issues, it took a long time, but to everyone out there suffering: give it time and let your mind heal. IT WILL HEAL!

1.) Psychedelics aren't the only kind of class of drug that can cause HPPD. I'm confident that when they varify what causes it, the main factor will be histone protein acetylation due to mass excitation of glutamate and calcium ion influx into neuron nuclei to prevent excitotoxicity to the somatic part of the neuron. The way it would prevent it is by turning on genes that code for proteins that build AMPA glutamate receptors and/or calcium ion channels on the cell membrane. My idea is that this epigenetic response by the brain is appropriate at the time when the drug was active, or the drug use was being repeated, but after cessation of use, theres an unbalanced number between excitatory and inhibitory pathways on neurons in the visual cortex, and the result is a constant but weak tone of excitation that not even powerful tranquilizing and anti-epileptic drugs can fully cease.

2.) GABAergic is the term you're looking for....GABAergic meaning cells that respond to GABA.

 

[demon66]

Why is there a need to classify different types of disorders?

 

[Felipe]

Can you get an HPPD comking marijuana? Does this HPPD go away with time if you don't use drogs anymore?

Marijuana causes HPPD?

Before I get started I have been living with what seems to be HPPD and even if it's not who gives a fuck since the symptoms are nearly the same. My visuals are altered 100% of the time. Breathing walls, flashing objects, and tracers are what I've been experiencing mostly. Anyways, I'm not going to get into how I got it but rather how I've been living with it and how it's progressed and changed over time. Hopefully this will be of some help to people struggling with it and I'd like to have a reference of my HPPD somewhere too =P

These are almost just scattered notes of the biggest parts of my life when I had HPPD. I'll probably add more over time (if people are interested..).

I'm sorry if it's hard to read or makes no sense because of the jumbleded order. I'm always open to suggestions on things to re-organize && add.

The Beggining

Alright so I am currently 16 years old and got HPPD when I was around 14.
At first it freaked me out, I constantly had anxiety and had the irrational fear that people were trying to give me hallucinogens (and I would have a bad trip again). Thankfully I got HPPD in the summer where I didn't have school.

But then, school started and it all got worse. After (and during) my trip I vouched to never do drugs again. We all know how long that lasted >_<. All my friends did drugs and I still did them with them. The only pleasure I would ever get from being high would be if I was doing benzos. Whenever I smoked weed I would get really scared and start seriously tripping. It made my HPPD 10x worse along with anxiety. And doing ecstacy made my HPPD worse for longer periods of time. It felt like any progress I made with coping was destroyed each time I did ecstacy. So just a warning to people thinking about doing E (I did about 4 times more after I "got" hppd) 8)

I wouldn't do anything to let my friends know I was scared, I would just be sitting there freaking out quietly. Hell, even alcohol would give me anxiety and that's really weird.

Late Nights

For some reason, mostly at night around the same times on random days (around 9pm) I would get anxiety attacks, I guess you could call them. Only I didn't have shortened breath and I could breath just fine. But it would literally feel like I was tripping again. All my thoughts became irrational, and even when I told myself "It's all in my head" and I KNEW it was fake It didn't make me feel better. It was like my HPPD increased and reality was... blurry I guess you could call it.

I would feel this weird burning sensation (same feeling I got when tripping) on random parts of my body. Basically every aspect of my HPPD was heightened. Objects would have this.. bright glow around them which was flashing constantly. This happened all the time, but not as "strong". I would find myself rubbing my hair for hours (like I did while tripping..) before this went away and I could go to sleep..

I'm sorry to say I found nothing that could help me cope with this. Except maybe taking a shower.

I also notice that every nite, my dreams are really vivid as if they were memories.

My new reality

As of now, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm living with HPPD and it may never go away. I have completely forgotten how I used to see life and how it looked. I have forgotten the what it was like to have a normal thought process and a good memory. I have forgotten the world as I used to see it, completely.

There is no way to describe it. I constantly see imprints of objects in my vision. The entire room always seems like it's in motion while everything is still. Things out the corner of my eye "shift" positions (which could explain the constant movement feeling).

But aside from the visual alterations, my mind feels like It's in a fog. There's no other way to explain it.

Before I get started I have been living with what seems to be HPPD and even if it's not who gives a fuck since the symptoms are nearly the same. My visuals are altered 100% of the time. Breathing walls, flashing objects, and tracers are what I've been experiencing mostly. Anyways, I'm not going to get into how I got it but rather how I've been living with it and how it's progressed and changed over time. Hopefully this will be of some help to people struggling with it and I'd like to have a reference of my HPPD somewhere too =P

Still the same..

So basically it's been nearly two years with HPPD. And honestly it's not that bad once you have been living with it for that long. It basically becomes your normal life, and that may sound bad when you first get it you will feel a lot better over time. Do not think your brain is fucked and you're going insane.

I haven't had anymore panic attacks from my HPPD in months now. I no longer think people are trying to sneak me drugs. My visuals are about the same.

I should also say that I have NOT been sober for longer than two weeks during these two years, so if you stop drugs you probably have a better chance of "curing" HPPD.

So long story short, just be patient. Time seems to be the best remedy.

So, how are you now? Is the HPPD gone?

 

[Br1tannia]

this exactly the same as me, I developed HPPD when i was 16, i'm now 18. I had pretty much the same hallucinogen effects and bad anxiety effects too. But im so used to it now it doesnt bother me all that much, i too have forgotten what its like to be normal. but this is my reality now i suppose

 

[vortex30]

1.) Psychedelics aren't the only kind of class of drug that can cause HPPD. I'm confident that when they varify what causes it, the main factor will be histone protein acetylation due to mass excitation of glutamate and calcium ion influx into neuron nuclei to prevent excitotoxicity to the somatic part of the neuron. The way it would prevent it is by turning on genes that code for proteins that build AMPA glutamate receptors and/or calcium ion channels on the cell membrane. My idea is that this epigenetic response by the brain is appropriate at the time when the drug was active, or the drug use was being repeated, but after cessation of use, theres an unbalanced number between excitatory and inhibitory pathways on neurons in the visual cortex, and the result is a constant but weak tone of excitation that not even powerful tranquilizing and anti-epileptic drugs can fully cease.

2.) GABAergic is the term you're looking for....GABAergic meaning cells that respond to GABA.

Things have changed slightly since this post, so let me update. First of all I now know it is GABAergic, sorry for adding the 'n' lol, I think what I said was still fully understandable regardless. Secondly, I have used Mushrooms and 4-aco-dmt four times in the past 11 months. Psilocin has not brought back or worsened my HPPD in any way (and never caused me problems pre-DOx and LSD). I do now attribute some symptoms to Ketamine, and since I abused Ketamine heavily from 16-18, this makes sense. The period in which I used DOx and LSD and HPPD surfaced I was also using a lot of Ketamine. Obviously other drugs cause HPPD for some people, but my personal experience was that very potent (in terms of dose) psychedelics caused my HPPD, ceasing their use combined with increased drug use across the entire spectrum allowed things to calm down (not that I'm attributing any success to increasing drug use, just that it got better regardless of it), so MY HPPD was likely a result of Psychedelics (and now, I also blame Ketamine). Finally, Clonazepam and Alprazolam completely reverse my symptoms temporarily.

 

[al-laddin]

im very interested in this thread, as I too came down with HPPD at about 16 and had an acute psychosis- like phase that lasted 4 years. I used psilocybin after four years and seemed to have reversed a lot of the psychological aspects that exist co-morbidly with hppd .....mainly the ptsd type symptoms. It seemed as though the mushrooms eased my ptsd type symptoms and helped me accept what has happened. I continued to use mushrooms at varying doses with varying medicinal and recreational value. the mushrooms never worstened my hppd. I got brave this last year and used some potent lsd and tried 25c nbome . I don't know which, perhaps both DID worsen my hppd. its annoying that its worse but I have not gotten any other negative effects besides visual from my recent use. Ive heard some people claim theres an HPPD "ceiling". A few people I know have claimed that your symptoms from use of these drugs only get to a certain point and cannot get any worse. If this is true hopefully Im at that point, although I have heard of a few cases where an individual has hppd to a degree where they are perpetually visually tripping quite intensly (full on trails, geometric patterns on all surfaces) . I wish there were more studies done. Anyone in this thread have symptoms that could be considered full-blown tripping? Mine have always been residual, as if the acid never fully wore off but Im not tripping anymore.

 

[_DankOpiAmp_]

I have never heard of this condition happening from psychedelics alone. It seems to always come from a combination of classical psychedelics, ketamine and MDMA/mephedrone.