well i fucked up again

[DXMkid420]

well 3 days ago i got caught by my parents again for acid, shrooms, weed, and of course DXM. i have let them down once more. i am starting to see that they are giving up on me and i dont blame them. i dont think that they will ever love me the same way that they did when i was little. they are sending me to nevada to go to some rehab and i have to stay until i am 18. i want to make them proud of me again but no matter how hard i try i just cant. i feel soo sucked into this drug world that i often ponder death and the thought sounds nice. i feel that i am in too deep and theres no escape, and to tell you the truth only about 15% of me wants to stop drugs. i have tried everything i can think of to slow down my drug use but nothing works. i cant go to nevada i just cant, theres certain things that i just cant leave behind. this is really my last shot at redemption with my parents. they dont expect me to stop weed but thats really all they would tolerate. what should i do in my position. i feel so lost and these past 2 sober days were hell, and in my opinion life isnt worth living if your life is hell. i need some guidence so i ask for bluelights help.

 

[menglerrr]

first off, pondering death is a very stupid and immature way to handle a problem. this just shows how young you are. i'm not coming at you and i feel for you. i've been there too.

as for quitting drugs, no one can make you quit but you. as much as your parents want you to stop, they cant make you. your parents are just disappointed, they love you and always will. you need to either quit all together or get better at hiding shit. the best way to regain their trust is to show them you can be responsible.

good luck with everything bro, hope it all works out.

 

[renee82]

If you cant stop taking acid,shrooming, or smoking week and taking tabs for 2 days then you obviously have a addictive personaility. I think you should try rehab. Tell your parents that they can only help you if you want tohelp yourself. Tell them you will go if you can leave whenever you want and that youo want to quit.
You seem to really llike doing drugs and your already on the war path to harder drugs that will kill you.
I've been clean now for a week and the hardest part in the begining(besides withdrawls) is finding something else to do. so your just bored and all you can think of is getting high again.
I dont know how old you are, but you are young enought to have some sober friends. I think you should call them and hang out or even just talking on the phone can keep your mind a little occupied.
good luck..
i hope you dont give up on your life, your so young. @ your age i was doing the same drugs but i didn't have any dependency. I remember those years 17-20 as the best years of my life.

 

[thebay420]

Alright I know your young and stuck out in shitty temecula. you have some issues we all do. Rehab will do you some good. Think about it like this. It wont probably "fix" everything but there are some things that you can learn from out there. Then you can hopefully come home with your shit together and you can improve the relationship with your parents. Believe me its better to work with stuff as it comes instead of ignoring it and being totally kicked to the curb. Your Rents just want you to be successful. Hopefully you do you. Dont think of this as the end of your world either everything will be there when you get back. hopefully you can deal with it in a more productive way.


But hey dont get down on yourself to much. shit happens life goes on.. and time heals. remember that. Your young you have a long way to keep on truckin

 

[cj]

No dont go to rehab. Rehab is great when you REALLY want to quit. Otherwise its like sendin a petty criminal to prison your gonna go meet some connections and learn some new drug tricks and come back twice the addict you were before.

 

[BrutalRollar]

Maybe you should go to nevada, you'll lose your sources of drugs. Maybe isolate your self from drugs. My father used to be a hardcore drunk and opiate user, but he went to a farm that was like 50 miles from the nearest city. And isolated himself from drug and alchoul sources (the city).

 

[DXMkid420]

i have a gf, the last thing i want to do is leave her

 

[stargazur]

If your meant to be together she`ll wait. If your thinking about suicide that will be far worse than being apart for a while.

 

[thelung]

you are so very young, and your "addiction" to these drugs you wrote about is a psychological issue, and your parents clearly love you and only wish the best for you; and maybe the best thing for you right now is to enter into the program in Nevada so you can get some things sorted out. you have your whole life ahead of you man. give sobriety a shot, you'll probably end up loving life a lot more once you've taken that journey into the drug-free world. hang in there my friend ...stay up. - thelung

 

[fifleman]

First off, to another poster, "pondering death" is not a "very stupid" and "immature" thing to do. Every addict who deals with addiction and calls themselves an addict knowing they have had a serious problem with drugs and want the shit out of their life ponders death. Why? Because at the time that's the only way to break the cycle of insanity (addiction). Death. Absolutely a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but definitely an at-times comforting thought. Maybe you didn't say what you wanted to correctly, but it's not stupid and immature.

To the OP, what you're explaining isn't an issue at all. Actually, it is, because of your circumstances, but let me break it down easily for you to understand.

It sounds like you're fighting inside. Your parents are obviously let down, saddened, frustrated, and don't know what to do. They're probably Googling drug addiction and getting hooked up to the first pop up on drug rehabs there is. I don't blame them. Maybe they've never came into contact with drug use and addiction on a first hand basis and certainly not with a loved one. They're confused and overly frustrated on what to do.

As for you, you're ashamed, guilty, saddened, depressed, and probably pissed you've let your parents down. Rightfully so. You're torn inside because you feel as if they can't look at you the same or will never trust you. This is where the feelings and emotions need to stop. Take a clear view at this.

You're young man, apparently not even 18. The reason you feel so ripped at this issue and so depressed and anxious to find a way out is because you've been caught and demanded a solution to something you want to continue doing.

You don't want to stop doing drugs. You want to continue. The only reason you would go to a rehab or do anything your parents say you have to do is to appease them. That's the wrong reason.

Think about it. You do this and they become trusting of you and feel like you've made a change. You haven't. You're simply doing what they ask of you on the outside, but trying 110% harder to conceal your drug use and your other life. Then, it falls apart again. They're disappointed and you can be damn sure that the shame, guilt, self-loathing, depression, all that shit, hits like a brick wall all over again. It's a continuous cycle that will tear from what you think your parents have left in trusting you now to absolutely nothing in the future.

So, the question is this. Do you want to stop using, or do you want to continue? If you continue, you will have the hardest fucking road in front of you over shit we consciously have a choice to control for the rest of your life until you find that drugs are a vile, completely meaningless existence that tear people down. At the age of 22, I'll tell you in a minute I wish I would've never smoked a joint at age 13. Drugs are fucking pathetic and I have nothing to show for five years of hardcore self-loathing and using.

If you make a choice, in your heart, in your clear mind, that you want to do it because YOU want to do it, you'll thrive. This wanting death mantra you have will vanish. The blues, the depression, the self-loathing, the shame, the guilt, will all disappear. Kick drugs and the old you to the fucking grave and there's nothing but a positive future where literally nothing is impossible. We make everything impossible through the use of drugs. If you're struggling in life and don't know why while continuing to use, it's the drugs. Will never change for an addict that continues to use.

Man, I've typed a lot, but the bottom line is this: you want to stop or you want to continue. Do some soul searching and see where you stand with a cleared mind.

You're young and have the world at your fingertips man. You have nowhere to go but up. Ever heard of a successful 18 year old drug addict? 25 year old drug addict? 50 year old drug addict? No, and that's because there are none. Dead, locked up, or struggling in their own mind which is the ultimate prison.

Everything will clear when drugs are out of your way. Obsess about positives in life and put your mind to good use.

Any questions let me know.

 

[DXMkid420]

wow.^^^thats some good advice. its just that i really cant imagine life without drugs. my main goal is to not stop drugs all together, but to learn self control, and that is something that i have none of. i want to be able to do DXM or acid or E ect. every once in a while. the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up in the morning is how am i gonna get fucked up today, and i hate it, but at the same time i love it. i know that dosnt make sense but im doing my best to describe it

 

[fifleman]

wow.^^^thats some good advice. its just that i really cant imagine life without drugs. my main goal is to not stop drugs all together, but to learn self control, and that is something that i have none of. i want to be able to do DXM or acid or E ect. every once in a while. the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up in the morning is how am i gonna get fucked up today, and i hate it, but at the same time i love it. i know that dosnt make sense but im doing my best to describe it

I will reply to this later. I have work right now, but have some more to tell you.

 

[azgaza]

wow.^^^thats some good advice. its just that i really cant imagine life without drugs. my main goal is to not stop drugs all together, but to learn self control, and that is something that i have none of. i want to be able to do DXM or acid or E ect. every once in a while. the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up in the morning is how am i gonna get fucked up today, and i hate it, but at the same time i love it. i know that dosnt make sense but im doing my best to describe it

Wanting some self control is a great goal, it asks you to be able to find and maintain a balance in your life. Its also very difficult for most people and from reading this and your other topic I feel probably even more difficult for you; I hope you can archieve it though, but here's some advice I have:

Maybe try to find an appreciation for things in sober life; maybe go on a vacation where you won't have access to any drugs for a few weeks and see what fun activities lie in the sober world; or/and get a new hobby or two and find ways to amuse yourself and things to look forward to other then just drugs. If you do that you have something to fall back on and to ballance things with.

About the rehab, you're only 16, seeing by which drugs you mention, probably not phisically addicted. Going away from your life for two years to another state (I assume you're not in nevada now?) doesn't sound like a good solution; two intire teen years in rehab sounds like waste of a lot of life time, can't you fine any activities that don't involve using drugs, and show your parents you can be commited to changing atleast to a point they can feel proud of you?

 

[menglerrr]

First off, to another poster, "pondering death" is not a "very stupid" and "immature" thing to do. Every addict who deals with addiction and calls themselves an addict knowing they have had a serious problem with drugs and want the shit out of their life ponders death. Why? Because at the time that's the only way to break the cycle of insanity (addiction). Death. Absolutely a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but definitely an at-times comforting thought. Maybe you didn't say what you wanted to correctly, but it's not stupid and immature.

it is though. suicide is the easy way out. pull the trigger, jump, take too many pills, problem is gone. the hard self rewarding way is to work through it. idk if you saw what i said or not, ive been there too. i just got ahold of my self before it was too late. so no, i said it correctly. being as i was there at the age of 14. nothing is worth your life, at least not drugs anyway. you have a lot to live for and a lot of people to live for.

 

[Cane2theLeft]

^The point is that suicidal ideation is not limited to people with low intelligence or stunted maturity and your comments were just plain offensive.

We just spent hours and hours talking about suicide in my Crisis Intervention class and in contrast, your comments just show me you have a very limited understanding of it.

For most people the pain is so unbearable that they just want it to stop, this is not selfish because ANYONE who feels THAT hopeless, helpless and overwhelmed is going to eventually consider death as a viable alternative.

You experienced this when you were 14 so you think everyone who becomes suicidal is where YOU were at when you were 14 and that's absurd. I really hope you aren't going into any human services professions if you hold these views because you could do a lot of damage to a lot of vulnerable people.

OP, listen to fifleman, he has some excellent advice.

 

[menglerrr]

So im wrong because i feel that suicide isnt the answer? Its selfish to the point that you leave behind loved ones who just keep asking "why?". Yeah people consider death as an option, but do they even consider the damage that they are leaving behind?

I know not everyone is the same. But realizing that I had the power to stop what was happening helped me a lot and i think that he needs to realize that he has the power.

So get offended and try to come at me about it. I'll stand by what I've said.

 

[menglerrr]

and maybe using the word "immature" was the wrong word. he's still young, he does'nt see the big picture. he has a lot ahead of him.

by the way, im a health and human services major.

 

[Cane2theLeft]

So im wrong because i feel that suicide isnt the answer? Its selfish to the point that you leave behind loved ones who just keep asking "why?". Yeah people consider death as an option, but do they even consider the damage that they are leaving behind? .

^I didn't say you were wrong for thinking that 'suicide isn't the answer' because neither of us said anything about it being an answer to anything... I said its offensive to call people who are struggling so badly that they think about suicide 'immature' and 'stupid'.

Of course its hard for people left behind and I definitely appreciate that because I am among those who have lost someone close to them from suicide. All I am saying is that if someone (who is not a sociopath) is willing to consider devastating every single person that loves them, try to understand how much pain they are in.

So get offended and try to come at me about it. I'll stand by what I've said.

I am not nor was I ever offended, but I think saying all people who are suicidal are stupid (you seem to have retracted immature) is offensive to people who are desperate enough to consider it.

I'm also not trying to come at you, I understand I come off as harsh on here sometimes and I apologize for that, its not intentional. I get very passionate about certain issues.

I've been with people who are suicidal, I've lost people to it and I've been there myself due to unremitting chronic pain... I know for me its not the answer and I am thankful everyday that I am not spending half my time thinking which way to off myself would traumatize the person who found me the least. I know the impact it has on other people and I will do absolutely anything I can to prevent someone from making that mistake. I think we largely agree, but what didn't sit right with me was what I perceived to be statements that seemed to blame the victim, so to speak.

When people are hurting THAT BADLY that they are thinking of taking their life, I think we have an obligation to be there for them and try to help and I don't find pointing out people's flaws (true or not) appropriate in that situation. I'm sure you didn't see it as doing such, but if it can have that effect at all on someone in such a vulnerable position, I think its best avoided.

 

[menglerrr]

^I didn't say you were wrong for thinking that 'suicide isn't the answer' because neither of us said anything about it being an answer to anything... I said its offensive to call people who are struggling so badly that they think about suicide 'immature' and 'stupid'.

Of course its hard for people left behind and I definitely appreciate that because I am among those who have lost someone close to them from suicide. All I am saying is that if someone (who is not a sociopath) is willing to consider devastating every single person that loves them, try to understand how much pain they are in.



I am not nor was I ever offended, but I think saying all people who are suicidal are stupid (you seem to have retracted immature) is offensive to people who are desperate enough to consider it.

I'm also not trying to come at you, I understand I come off as harsh on here sometimes and I apologize for that, its not intentional. I get very passionate about certain issues.

I've been with people who are suicidal, I've lost people to it and I've been there myself due to unremitting chronic pain... I know for me its not the answer and I am thankful everyday that I am not spending half my time thinking which way to off myself would traumatize the person who found me the least. I know the impact it has on other people and I will do absolutely anything I can to prevent someone from making that mistake. I think we largely agree, but what didn't sit right with me was what I perceived to be statements that seemed to blame the victim, so to speak.

When people are hurting THAT BADLY that they are thinking of taking their life, I think we have an obligation to be there for them and try to help and I don't find pointing out people's flaws (true or not) appropriate in that situation. I'm sure you didn't see it as doing such, but if it can have that effect at all on someone in such a vulnerable position, I think its best avoided.

I see. I didnt mean it as all people who contemplate suicide are stupid or immature. I was pointing out the fact that he is young, showing that he doesnt understand the complete outcomes of his actions.

Overall we are on the same page, I just said it in a rushed, blunt way so to speak.

For that I apologize.

 

[fifleman]

wow.^^^thats some good advice. its just that i really cant imagine life without drugs. my main goal is to not stop drugs all together, but to learn self control, and that is something that i have none of. i want to be able to do DXM or acid or E ect. every once in a while. the first thing that pops into my head when i wake up in the morning is how am i gonna get fucked up today, and i hate it, but at the same time i love it. i know that dosnt make sense but im doing my best to describe it

Here's the truth on using under control: it doesn't happen. I along with 100s of other recovering addicts/alcoholics realize this. Sure, you may start with a pill of E once a month. You strive to make sure everything is under control. It is. Ok, so throw in twice a month you're getting fucked up. A few things slip, but you've still got your head above water. You head above water is incentive to throw down whenever a buddy may ask about it or ask you to partake. It snowballs. Don't think you're the exception man. You'll spend years fighting what you cannot handle.

You either start by thinking you can handle it in the beginning and having it snowball, or you do control it. However, the controlling of your substance abuse keeps you in your mind, your cage, your addictive thinking, and you fight with all you have mentally to remember, "just one". Eventually you snowball or you say fuck this, this is way too draining on me. What's that mean? Continued drug use or staying clean. That simple.

I finally brought myself around to realize that, "wow, I've done hard drugs." It doesn't matter how much or how bad I was, the fact is I stepped into a world that is socially forbidden for a fucking reason. I used to hate the anti-drug messages. "Oh they can't handle it. They don't know." Well, they did and they do. Look at everyone who cries out on TDS. How about everyone else on this site? Their life fixates on learning about illegal substances and what dick vein is the best to shoot into. Nobody aside from drug using abusers would want to talk about such filth and pointless bullshit that accomplishes nothing. I don't tell my friend any of my stories. Who gives a fuck if I've done 45 grams of coke in a month and blown $3,000. There's always someone out in the drug world that does more drugs and is worse than you. It's all a giant race to die.

In order for you to succeed, you have to first realize you are not missing out on anything nor are you leaving anything of integrity or importance behind. You have to realize the only way you'll be your own man and a completely unique person is to leave drugs behind.

I used to think I was being unique in doing drugs, being a "rockstar". Fuck, was I out of my mind. The truth is that once you start to demand a fix of anything every day just to be fucked up, you're just like every single other using abuser out there. The feelings are the same: guilt, shame, depression, hopelessness, self-loathing. None of it differs. The results are the same: death, jail, insanity because you do not have anything under control. It will happen to you if you continue. I guarantee you in gold.

When you break the chains of drugs, you realize you can be what you want. There's nothing holding you back. You need to see this man. You're not missing out on anything in the drug world except shady people, shady dealings, overdoses, and minutes that drag to hours every day. You don't want to live for the next "getting fucked up" session.

Back to the suicide comment, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That is yours. Like you said, everyone differs. I thought of death several times throughout the past couple of years, with me being 22. Times when I thought I would never get out of the bullshit insanity. The cycle.

I had a buddy from rehab who was in his 50s. Such a wonderfully nice, generous, kind man. Had nothing but drinking for all his life. Had tried to quit at different points in his life for all sorts of reasons. Was in rehab saying, and I quote, "I know I can't go back to the bottle because it will kill me, I got to stay away". He knew it in his heart. Well, five months out of rehab, he picked up the bottle again and was thrown right back to where he left off. Decided the only way out of the cycle was a bullet to his head. Such a god damned good man. Shot himself when he saw no other way out of his 30+ year battle to something he always found himself right back in. Sad as fuck man.

That is why I do not belittle people who commit suicide. We all come close at times, but my friend was actually driven to think he had no other way. Every other way failed. I do not call him any names; I was filled with sadness and my heart ached for the pain he felt. Man, brings fucking tears to my eyes now.

One last thing. A couple people mentioned he is not "physically" addicted. This is a great joke. Addiction isn't physical. Addiction is 100% mental.

Let me explain, because I know you're thinking "OMG opiate withdrawal." Keyword? Withdrawal. Your addiction and obsessing about drugs leads your mind to believe that the only way you can calm any physical drug-induced withdrawal is from more of the drug. As in, you're not physically addicted to it, your body is simply withdrawing from the poison you've been administering to it but your mind is saying "more drugs will take the pain away." The fact is more drugs simply prolong the withdrawal and detox process and make it more cumbersome.

What's "physically addicted" translate into? An excuse to continue using. Period.

To the OP, you've already crossed the imaginary line into a world full of unfulfilled promises and hopes for the future. You've experienced everything an addict will in 50 years. It's just they continued thinking something would change when they don't want to change. You have the chance to never do it wrong to that point.