Introduce Yourself

[Binge Artist]

Hello, I'm Binge Artist, a recovering heroin/opiate addict who has recently lost a large part of his online support group. I try to be a good guy, but in my day to day life, I often find myself in substantial filth and depravity, and it often seems beyond my control.

Based on my observations of this forum, y'all seem to be a very warm, welcoming, and nonjudgemental group, and I would very much appreciate becoming a part. I would enjoy your input, and I would also like to do as much as possible to help all y'all out in the best way I can.

 

[ocean]

^Welcome!
I hope you find what you are looking for in TDS

 

[canucka]

Hi, i'd like to introduce myself.. I'm John.. 19.. currently live in western canada..
I've been on BL for a couple years atleast, or so i think.. I never leave OtherDrugsForum though..
This is actually the first time i'm ever viewing OR posting on TDS..

A brief history of myself..
I was born In Den Haag, NL -SouthEast of Amsterdam-
Immigrated to Canada when i was 1 1/2 years old..
Moved around 12 different times with my dad and my younger sister before finally settling in the west; we have always been 'the struggling immigrant family' ever since i can remember.. Not to mention my dad is a heavy alcoholic and has been, since before i was born.
I have lived with Type 1 Bipolar disorder since i was 13 and have cycled through more medications without success than you can count over the years..
I began using amphetamines towards the end of junior high as a means of self-medicating my manic episodes which had worsened tenfold ever since i had been diagnosed.. Over the course of the next 2 years, my drug use had consumed me.. discretely, it evolved into a very serious problem..
I had now began using a whole myriad of various different psychoactive chemicals on a weekly basis, not including meth ofcourse which remained a daily thing...

This continued until i met the love of my life, M, in september of '07, though i didn't know it at first..
We spent nearly every spare second we had with one another for the following months..seeing as we were both in the same situation with school and were soon quickly realizing how much we were meant to be together..
M and myself were both avid users, though she was actually the one who first introduced me to heroin, months after we had gotten to know eachother..

As the summer of 08 had rolled around, I had been dating M for about 8 months at this point, and we had both been using heroin more and more frequently without realizing it, to the point where we were using every day...
That was the best summer of my life, and i will never forget it..

One month later, on the night of Sept. 17/08, Me, M, and a mutual friend of ours, C, went to cop a few bags from some friend of a friend who none of us had ever met..
Afterwards.. we went our own ways to go shootup, me and M went back to her place while C headed back to his own house.

Many hours later, i woke up in the hospital to find myself hooked up to an IV and feeling worse than i've ever felt in my life.. that is until I glanced to my right to find C sitting in a chair beside my bed..
My heart sank into my stomach upon noticing that M was nowhere to be seen..

As he raised his head and made eye contact with me.. his eyes were slightly red and watery.. and that's when i noticed the pained look on his face; a single tear rolled down his cheek and he shook his head remorsefully.
He didn't have to say anything to confirm my worst fears..

Upon returning Home.. C tested the skag and it turned out to be cut with Fent.. He rushed over to M's to find us both unconcious..

When the paramedics arrived, M had no pulse.. she was a small thing.. only 4'9" and just over 100 pounds... It was too much for her body to take..
Me, being a bigger guy.. was able to handle it..

I have been using H ever since.. and it's become increasingly worse this past month as i have been back on the speed..
I haven't slept or eaten since sunday (its the folowing saturday) and the meth has brought back bad memories that won't go away.. I know from experience that i'm headed back down a bad road.. Meth has always brought about the worst in me, and i feel i have noone to turn to..

 

[BurntBridges]

Hello all who have scrolled down this far, just signed up 'round here. I once only referred to this site to obtain information on methods of extracting certain chemicals out of certain pills... but upon further perusing I've picked up on the overall IQ of the members belonging to this site. I have been on and off Opiates (H and Oxy, mainly) for ten years now and have taken one step forward and three back ever since. Only recently have I strongly decided to really really try to kick the stuff. I come here for knowledge and guidance and will assist those seeking the same. I've been humbled by my experiences and don't judge. My overall goal is to walk down the path of retribution and undue my failings to the best of my abilities and prove to myself that the man I was can be pulled out of the flames and healed.

BB

 

[opiaddict]

intro of myself

Not much to say and I am honestly kinda leery and skeptikal about any kinda help out there. I think the whole world is going crazy and don't trust many people. I just want to get out of my darkness and see light again. I want to know if I am uniquely insane or can anyone relate. I can just say that I am scared. Generally about everything, but now my concern is I have a bad habit again. Just lookng for support and encouragement.

 

[drug_wench]

welcome...evryone since i last said welcome

i hav scrolled down and my heart has broken over many stories but canucka, urs is the one i....identify wiv
so while all of u who r now BLers (not greenlighters) r welcome to PM me - and ull get a reply eventually - canucka, sweetie, if u choose to PM me i will answer straight away

im currently on methadone but i still slip evry now and then and use heroin...or oxy...or homebake - hun, my bf died in my arms of a heroin OD
at the time, he was my first bf, wed bn best friends since we were in nappies but wed bn dating for the past 2yrs
hed got hooked on skag but got onto MMT (i was just a hardout meth smoker; never wanted to try H)
the night he died we went to a party where evryone was doing hard drugs and hed just weaned right down off his 'done...it was out in the middle of nowhere
i wanted to go home then someone offered me a hit of meth and that got me going
Taylor sat beside me and his old dealer rolled up and said shed hit him up free
i pleaded him no, but u know how it is

no point calling the ambo - he was dead within 5mins of being shot up
i knew sumthing was wrong wen he went blue and his eyes were open, just staring and glassy
before he took the hit he made me promise never to do heroin
i promised - i didnt want to do it
till i watched my evrything die before me and fall in my lap, pulseless and lifeless

afta he died i asked his dealer for a small hit
i loved it
for 5yrs i wasnt just addicted to methamphetamine (and i mean 4gms a day IV) i was a heroin addict too (up to 3gms a day before MMT saved my life)

i still struggle wiv meth, but heroins almost done wiv
last time i used it was into my neck months ago and wen my friend sent me pics i wanted to b sick i looked so lifeless

if u PM me i know how u feel on 4 accounts
-wat it feels like to lose the luv of ur life
-wat it feels like to hav a heroin addiction
-wat it feels like to battle with amphetamines
-wat its like to hav mental illness (my dads bipolar 1 like u but i just hav: major ADHD, dysthymia, complex PTSD (dissociative PTSD), GAD and ive bn told i hav BPD but im not so sure...I also hav some minor psychotic effects from yrs of P (purest form of meth - only available in my country, New Zealand) use
anyway i understand bipolar 1 cos wen Dad was diagnosed I read alot about it

dont b afraid to hit me up
hope my story wasnt too raw, just thought id share so u know u rnt the only one
I bet if u oneday get a hold on all this, evry step u take M will walk beside u
i like to think that about Taylor - I hope he was proud wen i chose MMT over continuing to b a smackwhore

hope to see that PM

 

[n3ophy7e]

Welcome to The Dark Side canucka, BB and opiaddict
I hope you all find the advice and support in here that you need. I look forward to seeing you all around in TDS

 

[PK555]

I'm PK555 (Pat) I'm 22 happily engaged to future wife. I am a reader and occasional poster. I am told that I have anger issues and I will not disagree I am never abusive or violent toward others just rave at dumb stuff. I was diagnosed with ADD at age 5 and immediately put on Ritalin and was on it for or other similar meds at VERY high doses for most of my life till I was 20. I don't self medicate but enjoy some recreational drugs. My personal motto is "Failure is always an option, success a hopeful solution."

 

[xorcistxx]

Hello,
My name is tom and im from the detroit metro area.
Im 20years old and currently attend college classes and work as a cook, which i enjoy very much.
I'm diagnosed with major depression, insomnia, and anxiety but ive been coping quite well.
I enjoy helping others but its hard for me to accept help from others.
Feel free to pm me !

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Welcome to The Dark Side Pat and Tom
It's good to have you here. I hope you both enjoy your time here and that you find the help/support you're looking for. If you have any questions please feel free to ask any of us mods

 

[Vladimir777]

Hi, I'm Edward--not Vladimir (not sure why I named myself that....maybe I thought a Russian-sounding name was sexy?). I live in northern VA. I'm 22, graduated from college in May, and just got a job at a govt. contracting firm. I have already posted on here a little bit, but I decided why not introduce myself.

I didn't use any drugs or drink until I was a senior in high school. I used to be pretty against them, but was prescribed Vicodin and immediately fell in love with opiates. This was around the time of my first real girlfriend, and almost immediately I was lying about using drugs because she didn't like the path I was heading down. When I went off to college, my drug use continued and increased. By sophomore year I had used a needle for the first time (first time shooting myself with Dilaudid I can still remember), and I fell in love with shooting cocaine as well. However, Alex (my ex) found out I had been hiding my use behind her back for two years and we went on a break and I was able to pretty much stop using drugs for several years.

Right around the time of the end of my junior year I wanted to get into drugs again (I honestly don't even remember why). Perhaps because I just was around triggers again or because I was having an affair that Alex eventually found out about, causing her to break up with me completely--I don't know. I got connections to things I did not have before, most notably heroin. My senior year was a blur of everyday heroin use for the most part, although I tried to quit beginning around January. I was still sleeping with Alex and thought I would eventually be with her. Her and drugs were my safety blankets, since I am pretty shy and I did not see where I was going in life. Despite my daily IV drug use, I was able to maintain a 3.7 GPA at my school, but I was in a panic because I had no idea what I wanted to do post-graduation and felt like my life had no meaning.

I did graduate and eventually got a job that wasn't retail (I had worked at Borders for way too long), so in that sense I am pretty satisfied. However, I have relapsed on heroin and cocaine so many times now. I've been trying to quit for over a year now. It's tough. The first month or two (the most I have made it is a little over three months with no opiates or cocaine) is not too bad, since I am haunted by memories of withdrawal, but then something sets in--I don't know what--and all I think about is that needle in my arm. Perhaps I am somewhat unusual in that whenever I had heroin I was somewhat satisfied, but I was always bored craving that IV coke rush. I always wanted both, but my coke connections were not so good, so I've done heroin a ton more times than coke.

This last binge I had before Christmas was the worst I have ever used. I went on a several week heroin, meth, and IV crack binge. I had never shot much meth until now, but after that I find myself craving that in addition to coke and heroin. I was shooting pretty big amounts for myself (no real amphetamine tolerance), and eventually went into some sort of meth psychosis, where I was talking to people that weren't there basically in front of my parents. I was usually not a wreckless user like that, and almost no one knew about my drug use as far as I could tell. I have tried to be more open to people about it and trying to quit now, and my friends serve as a pretty good support network, although one of them kinda wants to get into more serious use. I didn't really use with my friends ever, so at least most of the people I'm around now aren't big drug users (although they kinda want to be more into things like acid or stuff like that).

Anyways, I try to fill my life with more positive things and self-improvement goals. I'm learning guitar at the moment. I'm trying to read a lot more (I was an English major). I like watching all sorts of films, from classics to foreign ones. I try to work out consistently.

Oh let me add, another thing that has really messed me up and is as big of an issue as drugs is pretty much just missing my ex-girlfriend every single day of my life. She has a boyfriend now, which really fucks me up whenever I think about it. We dated for almost 5 years, and we were each our first everything (kiss, sex, etc.). I am not particularly good with girls, although I'm sure I have the potential to be, so this makes things harder. The last time I relapsed was in large part due to how incredibly jealous and lonely I was, but let's not make excuses--I craved the drugs themselves too. Thanks for listening.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi Edward, welcome to The Dark Side
Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. It really sounds like you're on the right track now and I look forward to reading more from you. I'm sure your experiences will help others who are in the same boat as you.
Do you see a counsellor/therapist at all? You've definitely got the strength/skills to stay clean for extended periods of time but sometimes the help of a therapist can make it so much easier to abstain from using drugs.

 

[Vladimir777]

Neophyte (your name is way too hard to write the way you wrote it ), thanks for your welcome. Yes, I realize I probably should be going to therapy or something. It's a tough step for me to make. I don't know what I'd tell my parents I was doing (I still am living with them at the moment, though I'm looking to rectify this once I have some more money and I discuss it with my friends who I might live with) during therapy sessions and I wouldn't want to lie. Is therapy expensive or does most insurance cover it? Alex, my ex, actually recommended this to me, as I think it helped her around our break-up time when she was particularly unhappy. It's just a tough move for me to make--I'm shy and also kinda bad about doing self-improvement things like that.

Yes, I do think I'm on an alright path. I have big ambitions always with projects for me to work on--literature, guitar, exercise, music, film--but my lazy side always fights with these things, but at least I have goals, ya know? Work/career isn't necessarily one of the things I think about, but I don't think the job I have now is bad. My one big thing I need to work on is socializing more, but I've been going out a fair amount lately with friends. I actually danced a lot at a bar in NYC this past weekend, which surprisingly enough is a good step for me. I'm usually way too shy to dance, but it was a good environment. Anyways, talk later.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah I hear ya about the therapy, it can be really daunting to start if you've never done it before. And the factor of your parents does make it harder as well. Do they know anything about your drug use? If they do, don't be afraid to tell them that you're going to therapy because they will definitely support you with that decision. If they don't know, on the other hand, I can understand it would be too hard to get them involved. Do you work or go to school etc? Because you could possibly disguise going to therapy by saying that you're staying back late at school or something...?

Anyway, that's great you had a good dance on the weekend! Dancing (and music in general) can be very therapeutic, I'm glad you enjoyed it

 

[HamClamp]

Hello all of you wonderful TDSers!

I've lurked here at BL for years and finally registered today. I spend most of my time reading here in TDS as a good many days of my life have been spent in the darker side of things. Tomorrow I enter/re-enter the lighter side of addiction once again as I took my last(hopefully) full dose of pods tonight. I guess it's gonna be a little darker before it gets light again, huh?

My info in a nutshell:

Middle-aged male. Probably twice the median age of Bluelighters... Light drug user since age 14 heavy pot smoker from 14 until about age 35. Kicked a two year H habit in 1990. Remained opiate-free 1990-2008.

In 2006 a very long relationship ended and I slipped into a moderate depression. I experienced my first panic attack and anxiety became an issue for the first time in my life as I entered middle age. A couple T-3's left over from some dental work hit the spot and I was off and crawling. Not off and running- I just dabbled and chipped with a few T-3's or Hydrocodone here and there. Then I discovered pods...

Once a week quickly became once a day that quickly became twice a day. Many tapers along the way with minimal W/Ds and therefore minimal discomfort. My tolerance has, naturally, increased and where 6 grams in tea used to set me nice and easy for 24 hours I ended up needing 15g to just get sorta right. As of today, the day of my last recreational dose, I'm up to 12-15g raw grounds twice a day.

No real adverse effects. I eat very healthy, stopped smoking tobacco, get excersize, poop daily due to a high-fiber diet and a fiber supplement, and in general I'm in good health mentally, emotionally, and physically. I still struggle with anxiety which I'm certain will be much worse, at least for a while, during and after my upcoming kick.

So tonight is my last full dose. No more pods in the house and I'm NOT going to order more. I capped up 150 caps of fine pod powder at around 400-500mg. per cap, I have 120 g of powdered crowns, and about 250 4 inch stems/knobs.

Here's my plan: Tomorrow no morning dose and go c/t until I feel w/ds creeping in. I will then take 10 caps (4g +/-) and see if that stops the w/d. All I want to do is stave of w/ds or at least most of them. I will then stay at baseline for the following 2 days and then knock it down by one or two caps for 3 days, etc. until the caps are gone. I will then use the crown powder in the same way- just enough to stave off w/ds then drop every 3 days. By the time that is gone I hope to be able to throw the stems away.

In my kick kit I have, besides the above mentioned items, about ten 10mg Valiums, a bunch of Kava extract, Valerian, Melatonin, Multi-vitamins, B6, weed, Indian Warrior, Mulungu extract, and Immodium. LOTS of Immodium!

I'm ready. It's time. It was nice, it was fun, and it's time to get with the real while I still have my wits about me. I am tired of ordering, tired of crushing, grinding, and making tea and/or eating grounds. Tired of worrying about running out, missing a dose, and tired of having to schedule sex with my g/f around my dosing. I still love the way pods make me feel and always will. I can't even entertain the idea of occasional usage right now. Probably never to be honest/realistic. To do so would be self-delusional. All I can allow myself to think is that it is time to leave them in the past.

This introduction has turned into a very long post. I hope I haven't made a bad first impression by doing so. I guess this is my way of reaching out because kicking sucks and kicking alone sucks a lot worse. Maybe I'll start a thread and sort of journal my kick here in TDS. I don't know. I do know, though, that I'm surrounded by folks just like me- a bunch of nice people just trying to get through another day with some semblance of sanity in an often-crazy thing called life.

Thanks for reading and nice to meet you.

Peace,

HC

 

[Vladimir777]

Yeah I hear ya about the therapy, it can be really daunting to start if you've never done it before. And the factor of your parents does make it harder as well. Do they know anything about your drug use? If they do, don't be afraid to tell them that you're going to therapy because they will definitely support you with that decision. If they don't know, on the other hand, I can understand it would be too hard to get them involved. Do you work or go to school etc? Because you could possibly disguise going to therapy by saying that you're staying back late at school or something...?

Anyway, that's great you had a good dance on the weekend! Dancing (and music in general) can be very therapeutic, I'm glad you enjoyed it

My parents do not know about my drug use, no. I am exactly the opposite type of person who would be doing the things I do. I look incredibly innocent and I'm not into the drug scene at all really.

I graduated from college in May with an English degree, film studies minor. I work in a govt. contracting job now. Basically our company is a fairly large one that assists smaller companies with winning federal government contracts. My position title is conference coordinator, but I do a bunch of stuff around the office. I just started in January.

 

[Vladimir777]

Thought I'd properly introduce myself after a few posts here, so here it goes... My name is Sean, I am 22 years old and live in Maine (I know where the fuck is that? ).

I am currently riding out the last week of my seasonal employment at a call center for LL Bean (a clothing/outdor/merchandise,etc store) and I am half-assedly(a word, who knows?) searching for a new job. I dread the application interview/process like the plague.

I would go into my psych/drug problems, but that could take me decades as I tend to be obsessive about what I write, and tediously long-winded. I will mention that my current goal is to stay alcohol-free (have been for over two weeks now!) And also finding a stable career/life-path is on my to-do list hah. Maybe add happiness to that...well we shall see about that one though... :D

This board has helped me throughout the years, to relate with others' problems as well as providing a vessel to vast amounts of knowledge I might not have found otherwise!

Ok, cutting myself off now...

Hey, Sean. I'm 22 too! Isn't LL Bean based out of Maine? I think when I went up there we went to the main store. And yes, I too dread the application/interview/job search process. I was very happy to get my job after several months of that crap after I graduated from college. Ugh. Good luck, brother.

 

[kversion]

hi all~

after lurking here for years, i decided it is time to participate my tale is too looong and painful for me to tell all at once at the moment. i'm 26,refurbish vintage and antique furniture for a low wage because i love it, my mom ODed on heroin when i was 10, and i have two lovely baby cats, and i've been a heroin/opiate addict since i was 16. i've been through a few 21 day detox programs, tried MMT, made it through a year of BMT, and kicked suboxone about 2 years ago. now i'm at the start of day 4 of heroin wd after a 3 month binge. all i've had to help is immodium and some weed. fri and sat. were absolutely horrible and i was out of my mind, but the worst is over now at least. now matter how many time i kick, it's still a battle. sometimes i win, sometimes i don't.

now the worst part is the mental anguish. sleeping more than an hour at a time if i'm lucky would be nice too. i know the first thought i have when my boyfriend leaves for work is going to be "should i cop?". sat. i was so irrational, and i almost gave in. i didn't though. made it through yesterday too. i hope i make it through today. i would like to think that i will, but when i decide copping is on the agenda, it's on the agenda.

if i fuck up right away again, my boyfriend will kick me out and proceed to make my life miserable. we've been together for 3 years, and he's picked up from the bottom waay too many times. i've lied to him and hurt more times than i can count. he loves me so much, and i forget that often sadly. i forget that there are only a handful of people that i love and they still love me back. i build a little fortress around me, and i don't let anyone in. especially when i relapse. i've been putting off calling my grandma for over a week now. she's really the only person i have left if i loose my boyfriend. i really want to put a lot of time between me and my next relapse. maybe even not relapse again?? i f*cking love that needle though. i try not to, but i can't get myself to resist it for long. the longest i've been opiate free is 13 months in the past 4 years. i messed that up this past nov.

well, that's all for now. i'll try not to be such a recluse.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi kversion, so glad you've begun posting here
Welcome

Thanks for sharing a snippet of your story with us. I sincerely wish you all the best with your journey to sobriety. It sounds like you've been through a lot and you've got what it takes to get yourself clean for good.

Keep us updated with how you're going

Oh, and please, call your grandma, I'm sure she would LOVE to hear from you, and you'll feel so much better once you've spoken to her

 

[littledragonjones]

Hello everyone i'm little dragon,

i'll try to keep my introduction short as i'm not sure how much i'm ready to reveal about myself yet and i'm really new to all this, i've never used a forum before and found bluelight by pure chance. As I got reading more, it came to me that I might find this extremely useful and somewhat therapeutic.

I spent a whole day yesterday reading back through everyones old posts way back as far as 2007 and you all seem like a lovely bunch of people and I can relate to alot of you.

I'm 24, female and from England, U.K. I've been using Heroin for about a year and a half but only recently since Christmas become addicted. My drug use has spiralled out of control gradually as I have watched my life fall apart in the last six months. I have lost the most important people to me and feel completely isolated from everyone in my life that I hold dear.

I'm suffering from severe depression and am under the care of a mental health team and have a CPN, unfortunately an absolutley useless one who doesn't offer a great deal of support.

I'm trying to give up the brown but I must admit it's not going too well. But maybe I should try a little harder, if i'm honest my will power isn't that great. Any support anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated and hopefully I can be of some help to you all as well. I'd love to hear from any of you.

Thanks for reading and everyone take care