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The Joke Thread

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on £800 a year."
 
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."


My son was really scared after swallowing some lego.
He was shitting bricks for a few days.
 
What do you call a prostitute with no arms and no legs? A cash and carry!!

What is it when cum comes out of a prostitutes nose? A refund

A classic chat up line now.... Have you just farted, because you just blew me away?!
 
Kylie Minogue, Elton John and Robbie Williams are walking along the street when Kylie trips, falls forward and jams her head in some railings. Robbie, Quick as a flash pulls her knickers down and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her tight little arse he turns to Elton and says "Your Turn" Elton starts crying. "Whats Wrong" Says Robbie. Elton Sobs " My head wont fit in the fucking railings"

Sorry, its the best I have just now.
 
What do Women and Clouds have in common?


Occasionally they fuck off and its a really nice day!
 
Q. What’s pink and goes round and round on a carousel?

NSFW:
A. Stephen Gately's suitcase
:| :| :|
 
What do Princess Di and Stephen Gateley have in common?


They both died after being rammed in the tunnel!!
 
Police have confirmed that Louis Walsh has received a letter saying that for every week the Dublin Twins stay in X factor one more member of Boyzone will die!!
 
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done fuck all but moan since you got here."
 
Wahslab said:
What do you call a prostitute with no arms and no legs? A cash and carry!!

What is it when cum comes out of a prostitutes nose? A refund
Click to expand...


Or what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.


Two Froobs and penis in the back of a van. One Froob turns to the other, "this is shit crack man, we're about to get eaten.."

"How the hell do you think I feel" exclaims the penis. "My owner puts a bag over my head and makes me do push-ups 'till I throw up!"
 
Texyemma said:
Police have confirmed that Louis Walsh has received a letter saying that for every week the Dublin Twins stay in X factor one more member of Boyzone will die!!
Click to expand...

Why how many members of boyzone have died in total compared to the amount of time the dublin twins have been in x factor?

lol, shit joke
 
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