[I apologize for the length of this. I feel many of these details are necessary for a complete understanding of the problem.]
About a month ago I decided, as I stated elsewhere, that I would start taking diazepam regularly for my anxiety. I started at a dose of 5mg, was dissatisfied, and increased the dose to 10mg per day. About 12 days or so days into this treatment regimen, I woke up at 6:00 am with palpitations, tachycardia and feelings of profound terror and agitation, having taken the 10mg of diazepam earlier at 11:30 pm. I then foolishly risked the aggravation of my panicky state by taking more diazepam, but was fine, which suggests that it was a metabolite of diazepam that was causing the panic attacks. Fed up with this, I turned to 1mg of lorazepam BID, on consideration of the fact that lorazepam had worked so well in the past for me. I take this for a number of days and, while I feel a vague and transient increase in my anxiety each time the lorazepam begins to take effect, I otherwise and after that initial period experience a considerable remission of depression and anxiety to the extent that on one particular day I was able to look at a sunset and find it beautiful and watch a particular piece of media (I'll forbear to mention what) and feel emotionally aroused/moved. (It had been years and years since I had last done either of those!) This lasted only a few days and eventually the lorazepam starting making me feel extremely apathetic, depressed, and confused, and impaired both my short term and long-term memory - probably because it was interfering with my sleep architecture.
Later, I visit a psychiatrist at the behest of my mother. I explain to him my issues with sleep and divulge a bit of past history, as well as, giving him a laconic description of my present affective dysfunction, and he prescribes 60 temazepam 15mg QHS; 60 lorazepam 1mg BID; 30 depakote 250 mg QHS; and, finally, 30 trazodone 50mg QHS.
The first night, I took 50 mg of trazodone with 30 mg of temazepam as directed, omitting the depakote since my problem is not being too high but being too low. At first I begin to feel sleepy, but within minutes this sleepiness converts to a feeling of being wide awake and a bit anxious. Realizing that I would never get to sleep in this condition, I take half of a 15mg tablet of mirtazapine and wake up to feelings of profound confusion, grogginess, emptiness, depression, and a desire to just sleep the rest of the day away (which at this point was not going to happen, so I just anxiously paced around the house the rest of the day).
The next night, I combine just .5 mg of lorazepam with 30 mg of temazepam, and become increasingly anxious until I have a full blown panic attack. To remedy the panic attack, I take 4 or 5 mg of lorazepam; and while I continue to feel very anxious, I feel somnolent enough to sleep through the anxiety. I conclude that the temazepam is the issue, since it is a metabolite of diazepam which reaches considerable serum concentrations after about 6 hours, the amount of time it took on the aforementioned night for the anxiolysis of the diazepam to be transmogrified into the sheer terror which I experienced.
Next, I try another 7.5 mg of mirtazapine and 1 mg of lorazepam. I get apparently deep sleep, but I feel groggy and a bit anxious all day.
Last night, when the small amount of lorazepam I had taken earlier in the day had about reached its elimination half life, I took .5 mg of lorazepam and 1.5 grams of phenibut. My anxiety begins to increase and I attribute this to benzo withdrawal and so I take a milligram and wait an hour and my anxiety is only aggravated. At this point I reach the realization that I'm experiencing a paradoxical reaction and conclude that my only way out of it is to take a hefty dose of lorazepam (another 4 milligrams of lorazepam sublingually). After an hour or two, I find myself in a state of terror, helplessness, anxiety, agitation, but also sleepiness. I manage to fall asleep at about 3 am, despite being in a hellish state of mind.
(I should add that I take at least 3mg of melatonin and 500 mg of magnesium a half of a hour before bed every night and take roughly 400 mg of docosahexaenoic acid in the day. I've been taking the melatonin for so many years that it does nothing at all at this point, or so it seems.)
I have awoken today with a vague sense of inchoate hypomania. I'm feeling fully alert, agitated, somewhat in a good mood, and energetic, but at the same time a bit sleep-deprived, slightly confused with some difficultly composing my thoughts. I also have some fasciculation in my right eyelid that's been bothering me non-stop for some two weeks now.
So, there you go. I can't quit the lorazepam cold turkey, because I'll be a panicky mess, suffer severe insomnia, and develop in short time, I assume, with ever increasing sleep debt an episode of psychotic mania, and be sent to a psychiatric ward where they'll probably forcibly inject either ziprasidone, which causes me profoundly terrifying akathisia, or quetiapine, which caused me to have nightmares so horrific and dysphoric that I would experience panic attacks just thinking about them during the day and feared the dark and the feverish, hellish dreams that it presaged. And I can't continue to take the lorazepam because the same thing will likely happen with the exception that I might feel a bit less anxious or something.
Does anyone have any recommendations for me? Because I'm all out of ideas. If not then proceed to the following paragraphs.
[I have no ulterior motives in stating the following. i.e. I am not trying to coax slobberingly affectionate or commiserative attention out of anyone, and more still, I know by now that I would never get such a thing from anyone here anyways. Hopefully you will read the following as matter-of-fact, blunt, honest, unexaggerated statements of fact, and not would-be inducements to any emotional response, like sympathy, in anyone reading it, though you're free to experience such things if so inclined.]
I was thinking suicide would probably be my best bet on account of my life being in all probability unsalvageable and me having no real options left. I know that's what depressed people say, but I really have exhausted almost every possibility and I just can't seem to make any headway: I'm always numb, always bored, always lethargic, always lonely, always completely devoid of motivation to do anything of real value or importance, always anxious, always anhedonic, always pessimistic. Nothing moves me and I feel no love for nor attachment to anyone. Simply put: there is nothing of beauty or goodness in my life. At times it is bearable - when I am truly numb - but it's never good or basically enjoyable)
I have or will have soon all of the following:
60mg+ of lorazepam
120 mg of alprazolam
23.25 grams of phenibut
a few dozen grams of GABA
262.5 mg of hydrocodone + 17.5 grams of APAP (which I'll probably remove)
3 grams of pregabalin or 9 grams of gabapentin
45 mg or so of mirtazapine (trying to keep it low since it's a mild cyp2d6 inhibitor).
alcohol
I was thinking of grinding it all up in my mortar and injecting it rectally with a syringe, followed by the insertion of a butt plug of some sort (maybe the syringe?).
Do you think that would kill me and, if so, do you believe it would be acceptably peaceful?
Do you have any pharmacokinetic data on phenibut? I'm not sure whether it inhibits any liver enzymes or which it inhibits, if so.
P.S. I actually did learn how to unlock my dad's safe and am using his handgun as a back-up. (I really don't want to make a mess and traumatize anyone, but if I must...)
About a month ago I decided, as I stated elsewhere, that I would start taking diazepam regularly for my anxiety. I started at a dose of 5mg, was dissatisfied, and increased the dose to 10mg per day. About 12 days or so days into this treatment regimen, I woke up at 6:00 am with palpitations, tachycardia and feelings of profound terror and agitation, having taken the 10mg of diazepam earlier at 11:30 pm. I then foolishly risked the aggravation of my panicky state by taking more diazepam, but was fine, which suggests that it was a metabolite of diazepam that was causing the panic attacks. Fed up with this, I turned to 1mg of lorazepam BID, on consideration of the fact that lorazepam had worked so well in the past for me. I take this for a number of days and, while I feel a vague and transient increase in my anxiety each time the lorazepam begins to take effect, I otherwise and after that initial period experience a considerable remission of depression and anxiety to the extent that on one particular day I was able to look at a sunset and find it beautiful and watch a particular piece of media (I'll forbear to mention what) and feel emotionally aroused/moved. (It had been years and years since I had last done either of those!) This lasted only a few days and eventually the lorazepam starting making me feel extremely apathetic, depressed, and confused, and impaired both my short term and long-term memory - probably because it was interfering with my sleep architecture.
Later, I visit a psychiatrist at the behest of my mother. I explain to him my issues with sleep and divulge a bit of past history, as well as, giving him a laconic description of my present affective dysfunction, and he prescribes 60 temazepam 15mg QHS; 60 lorazepam 1mg BID; 30 depakote 250 mg QHS; and, finally, 30 trazodone 50mg QHS.
The first night, I took 50 mg of trazodone with 30 mg of temazepam as directed, omitting the depakote since my problem is not being too high but being too low. At first I begin to feel sleepy, but within minutes this sleepiness converts to a feeling of being wide awake and a bit anxious. Realizing that I would never get to sleep in this condition, I take half of a 15mg tablet of mirtazapine and wake up to feelings of profound confusion, grogginess, emptiness, depression, and a desire to just sleep the rest of the day away (which at this point was not going to happen, so I just anxiously paced around the house the rest of the day).
The next night, I combine just .5 mg of lorazepam with 30 mg of temazepam, and become increasingly anxious until I have a full blown panic attack. To remedy the panic attack, I take 4 or 5 mg of lorazepam; and while I continue to feel very anxious, I feel somnolent enough to sleep through the anxiety. I conclude that the temazepam is the issue, since it is a metabolite of diazepam which reaches considerable serum concentrations after about 6 hours, the amount of time it took on the aforementioned night for the anxiolysis of the diazepam to be transmogrified into the sheer terror which I experienced.
Next, I try another 7.5 mg of mirtazapine and 1 mg of lorazepam. I get apparently deep sleep, but I feel groggy and a bit anxious all day.
Last night, when the small amount of lorazepam I had taken earlier in the day had about reached its elimination half life, I took .5 mg of lorazepam and 1.5 grams of phenibut. My anxiety begins to increase and I attribute this to benzo withdrawal and so I take a milligram and wait an hour and my anxiety is only aggravated. At this point I reach the realization that I'm experiencing a paradoxical reaction and conclude that my only way out of it is to take a hefty dose of lorazepam (another 4 milligrams of lorazepam sublingually). After an hour or two, I find myself in a state of terror, helplessness, anxiety, agitation, but also sleepiness. I manage to fall asleep at about 3 am, despite being in a hellish state of mind.
(I should add that I take at least 3mg of melatonin and 500 mg of magnesium a half of a hour before bed every night and take roughly 400 mg of docosahexaenoic acid in the day. I've been taking the melatonin for so many years that it does nothing at all at this point, or so it seems.)
I have awoken today with a vague sense of inchoate hypomania. I'm feeling fully alert, agitated, somewhat in a good mood, and energetic, but at the same time a bit sleep-deprived, slightly confused with some difficultly composing my thoughts. I also have some fasciculation in my right eyelid that's been bothering me non-stop for some two weeks now.
So, there you go. I can't quit the lorazepam cold turkey, because I'll be a panicky mess, suffer severe insomnia, and develop in short time, I assume, with ever increasing sleep debt an episode of psychotic mania, and be sent to a psychiatric ward where they'll probably forcibly inject either ziprasidone, which causes me profoundly terrifying akathisia, or quetiapine, which caused me to have nightmares so horrific and dysphoric that I would experience panic attacks just thinking about them during the day and feared the dark and the feverish, hellish dreams that it presaged. And I can't continue to take the lorazepam because the same thing will likely happen with the exception that I might feel a bit less anxious or something.
Does anyone have any recommendations for me? Because I'm all out of ideas. If not then proceed to the following paragraphs.
[I have no ulterior motives in stating the following. i.e. I am not trying to coax slobberingly affectionate or commiserative attention out of anyone, and more still, I know by now that I would never get such a thing from anyone here anyways. Hopefully you will read the following as matter-of-fact, blunt, honest, unexaggerated statements of fact, and not would-be inducements to any emotional response, like sympathy, in anyone reading it, though you're free to experience such things if so inclined.]
I was thinking suicide would probably be my best bet on account of my life being in all probability unsalvageable and me having no real options left. I know that's what depressed people say, but I really have exhausted almost every possibility and I just can't seem to make any headway: I'm always numb, always bored, always lethargic, always lonely, always completely devoid of motivation to do anything of real value or importance, always anxious, always anhedonic, always pessimistic. Nothing moves me and I feel no love for nor attachment to anyone. Simply put: there is nothing of beauty or goodness in my life. At times it is bearable - when I am truly numb - but it's never good or basically enjoyable)
I have or will have soon all of the following:
60mg+ of lorazepam
120 mg of alprazolam
23.25 grams of phenibut
a few dozen grams of GABA
262.5 mg of hydrocodone + 17.5 grams of APAP (which I'll probably remove)
3 grams of pregabalin or 9 grams of gabapentin
45 mg or so of mirtazapine (trying to keep it low since it's a mild cyp2d6 inhibitor).
alcohol
I was thinking of grinding it all up in my mortar and injecting it rectally with a syringe, followed by the insertion of a butt plug of some sort (maybe the syringe?).
Do you think that would kill me and, if so, do you believe it would be acceptably peaceful?
Do you have any pharmacokinetic data on phenibut? I'm not sure whether it inhibits any liver enzymes or which it inhibits, if so.
P.S. I actually did learn how to unlock my dad's safe and am using his handgun as a back-up. (I really don't want to make a mess and traumatize anyone, but if I must...)
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