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The Dark Side Check-In Thread ver. 2009 > 2008

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Checking in....

Recently I have encountered situations that have brought up a lot of pain - sometimes I feel suicidal.

I am doing better today but still don't know how to resolve the situations. I know I shouldn't run away from it, but the urge to escape is so strong that I've turned to drugs again. Friends of mine say that I'm not willing to help myself (I'm sure some of you in TDS know exactly how it feels to hear that)... I disagree. I was doing so well after getting off drugs, but then these situations came up and I went right back into the hole. In the past year I've taken medications regularly and sought therapy two times, so it's not like I haven't tried to get better. Hearing that "you don't try" is not helpful for me at all, it just makes me feel worse about myself.

I got the number of a drug rehabilitation association here, from my neighbor (he's a recovering meth addict). They provide mental health counseling too. I'm really hoping that I can afford it - I work three jobs and still come up short with money. My parents help me out sometimes but I think they are getting tired of doing that (I'm 26 this month, a little old to be so financially dependent on my family). But I also feel, and have been told by doctors, that I AM mentally ill and I can't get better all on my own.

Steps to get better... Quality therapy (if there IS any - the two times I did therapy it didn't work for me at all), maybe different medications, group meetings (ugh.. I hate group anything, but I'll try it again), taking a term off from school, distancing myself from certain "friends", taking care of my body and not doing any fucking drugs or alcohol!.

This last one is the one I'm not sure I can do. I'm not physically addicted to any one drug anymore, but I am an addict. I don't know if I can face the pain without drugs. Right now I just wish that my friends would stop the "tough love" approach on me - I need just plain straight love and acceptance, not criticism.
 
^People who haven't been there just don't get it. This shit just grabs us and it is a strong fuckin' grip. People don't get how we get into a place in our heads that often makes it impossible to do even standard, daily grind types of activities

I'm not a 12 stepper but I DO agree that its a HUGE self-realization and step that you admit that you 'can't get better all on my own'. Awesome!

Be well!
 
I'm gettin better, yall. Quit G and only take it on VERY rare occasions. I'm no longer abusing my amps as I have switched to the daytrana patch. :) The bulimia I'd say is 95 percent cured... it's a hell of a lot harder to quit something that has been your "friend" for ten year of your life...
...but ultimately, I've decided to love myself enough to consider my body my temple (for the most part), and the b/p cycle is just not HEALTHY (not to mention gross)! I know I deserve better.
Drugs are still a big part of my life: I take ambien, soma, lunesta, and sometimes seroquel to sleep, as I consider myself a lifelong insomniac. I am ok with that tho. The ambien I never abuse, for the plain ol' reason it doesn't work (for sleep) if I do that!
My boyfriend and I have made up and he's even joined BL =) His s/n is hillbillery (sp?).. haha. School's about to start and we'll see if I can make it thru w/out mood stabilizers... (doubtful, I know)... I'm on bupropion again which helps A LOT... but I'm still up and down a lot.
Overall, things are panning out decently..
 
Eh, today was an interesting one to say the least. Some good news, but mostly bad news.

The good news: I am completely done with my alcohol detox, bar symptoms that I know aren't bad in comparsion (a bit of hand/feet twitching and stuff some intestine and liver discomfort when eating), and will go away over the coming weeks. It's day 5, and though I was tempted a bit this afternoon (neighbors had a party and I could smell it), it didn't happen. And I think I'm in the clear with this. So no more alcohol for me, and this time it WILL be a long time before I drink again.

The bad news*: The benzo detox has had to be modified. I had made it 6 days without benzos (stopping cold turkey a 3-4mg/day xanax habit, with other benzos being used as well). It started really sucking Wednesday, but I muscled it out until tonight, when it just became unbearable. I mean Wednesday through tonight it was basically the typical complex I've got before (chills and hot flashes every 15 seconds, BP spikes, the jitters, eye wobbles, heart racing, pulse spikes, and then mentally "the terror" and mind/body separation - still bar none worse than any other bad drug experience, but not making me fear for my life...yet...). But tonight I seriously almost lost it all. I've never had a seizure, and before I have felt like they were lurking around the corner, but tonight I knew it was inevidable. I felt myself losing consciousness, my eyes rolling back, and just almost like firecrackers going off throughout my body. This would happen for about 15 seconds, stop for 2 minutes, and then happen again.

I was able to self-administer a safe dose of IM Midazolam HCL (which I had planned out (thank god) before starting the detox "just in case," though it was still quite intimidating because I've never used a needle on myself before) and swallow 900mg gabapentin powder, which brought me completely back to normal right away (if not ashamably kinda good).

Anyway, I may have saved my own life. I gave this my absolute all, but xanax WDs ARE NOT A JOKE, and THEY CAN SERIOUSLY INJURE A PERSON. This is as bad as it gets, as far as I am concerned, with drugs and their dangers. Everyone, do NOT follow my example. Treat benzos with respect and use sparingly. Don't let their subtle high fool you. They grab you and will not let go.

Sure, I am more than a bit emotionally upset, since I just wanted to be drug-free ASAP and prove strong enough to battle through the acude WD period, but it's stronger than most people. At least at my level of abuse. I also just feel kind of hopelesss and empty. People keep telling me that I am doing a good job, but I cannot help but ask why they'd bother saying that. I dug my own grave, made my own bed, etc. I knew just as much about benzos they day I started using them as I do today, and I still let it get to this. It's so easy to give advice, but I cannot seem to follow my own.

So I have switched my gameplan, and am now going to taper properly via clonazepam. My ego got the best of me before, and really I should have just done this in the frist place. But ya, hopefully in 6 weeks or so, I will actually be benzo (and drug) free. In time for my birthday :) I'd love to have a sober birthday.

Again, I feel kinda sad that it didn't go as planned, and foolish for putting myself through hell the past few days for null. I wanted to do it CT so as to learn my lesson as strong as possible, so that I'd never go back to habitual benzos again, but hopefully I've suffered enough to learn the lesson, even if it is assited by a taper. But at least I am alcohol free and have a more sensable plan, with plenty of motivation, to become benzo free as well.

Also, to anyone reading this, I've been really, really strugging to keep it together over the past week. The alcohol WD just had me crying like a baby and probably coming off as pathetic to my friends, and then the past few days I have just been all over the place. I have made a few ad homs around BL, and might have not worded some posts correctly, or as nice as I could have. So anyone who did catch anything strange coming from me, I apologize. Hopefully, with a proper taper, I will remain pretty close to myself until I am free.

*Note: I know that I am foolish, a moron and just not thinking rationally in that I insist on doing this on my own accord. But if I were to be treated medically, either a rehabilitation, or going to an ER due to detox consequences, I'd lose both 1) my family (they'd never want to associate with this "druggie" again - they're those kind of people) 2) my hope of ever going into the field of my dreams. Again foolish yes, but I am a fool.
 
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Redleader- That is fucking AMAZing how u saved ur own life like that. I know bezo withdrawal is one of the toughest to beat, but u clearly have a plan, and even though it's required modification, u always keep ur goal at heart. To me, you are an inspiration!
 
Thank you for your kind words. But it's a stretch saying that I saved my own life - I really did think about calling 911, but actually I think the turning factor was that I feared I'd go unconscious well before the ambulance arrived. Who knows what would have happened if I kept fighting, though. Death is admittedly an extreme case, but I am glad I didn't have to experience a seizure. My actions were foolish from the start, though, as is my desire to put my own safety second to my family and employers not finding out that I am a drug addict. But thank you again for your kind words. And maybe I can be an inspiration for people wanting to quit alcohol, because that I did in proper fashion :) Benzo taper day 1 almost complete!
 
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Redleader said:
The bad news*: The benzo detox has had to be modified. I had made it 6 days without benzos (stopping cold turkey a 3-4mg/day xanax habit, with other benzos being used as well). It started really sucking Wednesday, but I muscled it out until tonight, when it just became unbearable. I mean Wednesday through tonight it was basically the typical complex I've got before (chills and hot flashes every 15 seconds, BP spikes, the jitters, eye wobbles, heart racing, pulse spikes, and then mentally "the terror" and mind/body separation - still bar none worse than any other bad drug experience, but not making me fear for my life...yet...). But tonight I seriously almost lost it all. I've never had a seizure, and before I have felt like they were lurking around the corner, but tonight I knew it was inevidable. I felt myself losing consciousness, my eyes rolling back, and just almost like firecrackers going off throughout my body. This would happen for about 15 seconds, stop for 2 minutes, and then happen again.

I was able to self-administer a safe dose of IM Midazolam HCL (which I had planned out (thank god) before starting the detox "just in case," though it was still quite intimidating because I've never used a needle on myself before) and swallow 900mg gabapentin powder, which brought me completely back to normal right away (if not ashamably kinda good).

Anyway, I may have saved my own life. I gave this my absolute all, but xanax WDs ARE NOT A JOKE, and THEY CAN SERIOUSLY INJURE A PERSON. This is as bad as it gets, as far as I am concerned, with drugs and their dangers. Everyone, do NOT follow my example. Treat benzos with respect and use sparingly. Don't let their subtle high fool you. They grab you and will not let go.

Sure, I am more than a bit emotionally upset, since I just wanted to be drug-free ASAP and prove strong enough to battle through the acude WD period, but it's stronger than most people. At least at my level of abuse. I also just feel kind of hopelesss and empty. People keep telling me that I am doing a good job, but I cannot help but ask why they'd bother saying that. I dug my own grave, made my own bed, etc. I knew just as much about benzos they day I started using them as I do today, and I still let it get to this. It's so easy to give advice, but I cannot seem to follow my own.

So I have switched my gameplan, and am now going to taper properly via clonazepam. My ego got the best of me before, and really I should have just done this in the frist place. But ya, hopefully in 6 weeks or so, I will actually be benzo (and drug) free. In time for my birthday :) I'd love to have a sober birthday.

Again, I feel kinda sad that it didn't go as planned, and foolish for putting myself through hell the past few days for null. I wanted to do it CT so as to learn my lesson as strong as possible, so that I'd never go back to habitual benzos again, but hopefully I've suffered enough to learn the lesson, even if it is assited by a taper. But at least I am alcohol free and have a more sensable plan, with plenty of motivation, to become benzo free as well.
Click to expand...

I admit that I had thought of approaching you with some links to aid you in a safe benzo taper, but I figured you knew what you were doing and you noted that you had a safety net of anticonvulsants. Lucky that Midazolam did its magic when it did, eh?

Please don't look at yourself as a failure; to me you are very much a winner. You followed too aggressive a protocol, it smacked you in the ass (and not in the fun way) and you readjusted the protocol to be in line with your needs and your comfort level.

Every habitual benzodiazepine user / alcoholic who is trying to taper should have this as "required reading". There are many ways to do a detox and all should be performed under the care of a competent doctor, but in circumstances where this is not possible, you did the best you could.

I've told you before that you are very brave and that it's your bravery that will get you through...have kept you in my thoughts, and am around today if you need to talk. :)
 
Hang in there redleader. I got faith in ya

Me, I'm hittin' rehab on friday morning. I have NO idea which one or for how long. The lady said since its county funded, they figure it out and make a decision
 
ocean said:
^Thank you ma dear ;)


Wingnut- If you read this, let us know how you are doing- been thinking of you......hope you are doing a little better.....
Click to expand...

Thank you...
I'm not doing so well, but I'm not going to kill myself (the suicidal feelings were mostly caused by severe lack of serotonin/mdma abuse, but I haven't used much mdma since a couple weeks ago). The anxiety is really severe - constantly I am shaking, too nauseous to eat, hot and cold flushes, even some disassociation (but not as much as I'd like, I'd rather disassociate than feel my body at this point). And I'm tired all the time, all I do is sleep and go to work.

But, my psychiatrist and I changed my meds (I told him I abused the adderall, so no more prescription for that) - added Welbutrin to my cocktail of Seroquel and Abilify. And, I got into a drug and alcohol treatment clinic at sliding scale rates - on a waiting list for my costs to be completely covered. So things should look up soon, right?

I don't have the energy to post much on Bluelight but I'll post more if/when I do get back to normal.....
 
Does anyone know where wingnut / wingnutlives is now, she's not been online since late 2009...
 
Yes she changed her username, and doesn't really come on BL anymore.
She's okay though, doing well :) <3
 
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