To the Guy Cian Punched in the Toilet in Fibbers

[Meejay]

(For Cian)

In a cave off a hole
Under the dance floor
In a happy time
In a shitty place

I heard you cast down
Some poor lad
Onto the piss-covered floor
And kicked and kicked
'Till perhaps he was dead
Or your violent urge was fed

...but then came a high-minded fist
Launched from noble drunken intentions
That sent you airborne and down
After you hit the door

Now you know what its like
To hurt
In the piss
On the floor
In the toilet
In fibbers

I saw you and laughed
Because just once goodness prevailed
Because I can believe in honor again

 

[New]

I like this. A poem after my own heart.

 

[doris delay]

i liked this poem a lot, but i found the narrating voice (the language, in this case) to be really inconsistent. you start quite colloquial and then head into something more formal and even old fashioned. if you stuck to one of these ideas and pared it back, the poem, in my opinion would be a lot stronger. i think the punch is a really great little moment to focus on, (but I think you chose a rhyme structure and stick with it) and could chose between a poem that's going to use words like shit and piss or one that's going use 'down cast' and 'till' (i think either could work, and the latter could ever add a lot of humor)

 

[Meejay]

i liked this poem a lot, but i found the narrating voice (the language, in this case) to be really inconsistent. you start quite colloquial and then head into something more formal and even old fashioned. if you stuck to one of these ideas and pared it back, the poem, in my opinion would be a lot stronger. i think the punch is a really great little moment to focus on, (but I think you chose a rhyme structure and stick with it) and could chose between a poem that's going to use words like shit and piss or one that's going use 'down cast' and 'till' (i think either could work, and the latter could ever add a lot of humor)

Versatile command of the english language leads to a panoply of words and phrases in ones work. I don't believe you have to deliver a poem like you're an actor in the Renaissance fair. You have to remember that the poetry is what the words lead to it is not the words themselves.

Choosing the phrase that works best is the most important thing

Example:

"Cast down" Epic language meant to indicate something big is happening and also meant to illustrate the fact that this is a poem in the tradition of the fillidh commemorating battle.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dada