ReSilience
Greenlighter
I figure I might as well jump head in on posting, been lurking for a couple weeks now and this is my shameless self-endorsement. Hope it's not too long or hard to read, and most of all, hope you all enjoy 
March 21st, 2009
About a week ago I was able to score an once of Psilocybin Mushrooms from a friend I currently work with. I had read a lot about different mushroom experiences on Erowid.org and was fascinated with their claimed effect on and expansion of consciousness. I can only describe the experience in hindsight as transcendental. I'm finding it almost impossible to fully explain into words exactly what it is I experienced. Imagine a blind man trying to describe a vision he had in a dream to you. I remember at one point years ago my father telling me, while on mushrooms, you learn the meaning of life, then completely forget. I can now nod my head in ironic agreement. I don't think I've fully forgotten what it is I learned but the English language is a pretty shitty tool to use when trying to explain something like the meaning of life. Unfortunately something this amazing can only be experienced. My tripping buddy, Nicole, claimed during our peak, "Only we know" which was true in a sense, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
I called up my friend Nicole, after scoring the ounce, and arranged to take them at her place in the afternoon. This was going to be our first time tripping, not only together, but first time tripping ever. She told me she had done some before, but what she experienced sounded like she had taken just enough to get a mild body high and maybe a small amount of visuals. We both ate about 5 to 7 dried grams of our pungent-shitty tasting little friends which was precisely the amount Terrence McKenna would suggest that destruction of even the strongest ego would be guaranteed. "If you're not afraid you took too much, you haven't taken enough." I wasn't particularly scared at the amount I took, but I wasn't willing to do 10-14 grams my first time. I was about 60% excited and 40% nervous at the prospects of ego-death and my 5-7 grams but very anxious to experience it.
We both dosed ourselves and started to feel the effects within about a half an hour. Neither of us had eaten since the night before and it was about 1 o'clock in the afternoon when we finally ate them. I gobbled them down as she dipped each cap and stem in honey, commenting on how I was weird because I could stand the taste of eating shit. I commented on how she was pussy-footing around them and to stop being scared, all in good humor. When I started to notice them 'coming on' I asked that she turn the T.V. off as it was really distracting and to be honest a buzz kill. I was sitting on her couch relaxing with my head against her pillow waiting for some visuals when I noticed the stucco ceiling I was staring at started to kaleidoscope into tessellations and weird fractal patterns; vaguely resembling an M.C. Escher painting. Beautiful! The ceiling was still white, but in between these white patterns I saw fragments of colors developing. Deep indigos started to appear, neon-colored greens, deep reds and magentas. At this point I was completely euphoric and giggling/gasping like a baby. The colors were mesmerizing, hypnotic. I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. It's impossible to describe how much beauty I was experiencing but it was profound to say the least.
The 'coming up' was punctuated with fits of belly-aching laughter, deep, slow, yawning, an annoying runny nose and slight coldness. I knew all of these to be hallmark signs of mushroom use so I tried to enjoy them to the best of my ability. Enjoying the laughter was quite easy, but the yawning and runny nose were slightly weird. I couldn't tell if I was getting sick, but I knew all these to be the peculiar side effects of mushroom usage. I tried to tell all this to Nicole but for some reason it felt like the language circuit in my brain was shorting. I could think the thoughts but actually saying them out loud was difficult. She had been laughing hysterically too when she climbed under a blanket in the fetal position and complained about being cold. At this point my thought process was still pretty much intact but, once again, words were hard to form and express. I knew the eternity I was experiencing every second was what other people would experience as a regular minute, or seconds passing by. I commented to her room mate simply "time is standing still". About an hour had passed since we had both ate these shitty fungi when I had the distinct impression that my body was sinking into the couch. Gravity decided it wanted me to stay in place and my physical body or strength could do nothing to argue the point. I knew this feeling to be somewhat regular to a lot of people who had taken this big a dose so I wasn't particularly alarmed or scared as much as I was in awe or amazement. I told myself to relax, to let go, not to fight and I wouldn't freak out as so many other people had claimed they had done. After this I felt strange... My body felt as though it were being dislocated and dismembered, no physical pain, simply that my body was falling and fading away. My consciousness was still there, just the physical part of me was fading to nothingness. I tried to move my left arm, to which my right arm moved. It was, slightly annoying, funny nonetheless. I made a mental note of it and started to giggle again. It seemed as though some third person perspective had me pitted against the back of my head to which I couldn't particularly move any piece of myself or speak. After realizing the uselessness of my body, I closed my eyes and had the distinct impression I was in outer space. I felt like I was approaching a jelly-fish like planet. When I realized where I was and what I was experiencing it seemed as though a certain other presence was talking to me. I can't remember what it is we talked about but I remember opening my eyes to an almost overwhelming brightness to which the music we were currently listening sounded like beats punctuated by years of silence and strange sounds I won't even attempt to try to describe.
My thoughts were still completely intact and normal-like, but were reeling at what seemed like manic-speeds compared to the beats of the music. Contradictions were unveiling their truths to me in mind loops until they made sense. Afterwards, after these deep insights and realizations to which I can't recall at all, I felt this anxiety start to clutch my body, but I felt somewhat removed. The third-person point of view I felt hadn't left yet and I could experience what my consciousness was experiencing and how small a piece my physical body was. I had a new respect for my body though. I realized I couldn't damage it any more, whether it be through drugs or destructive patterns or obsessive behaviors. I realized this because if I damaged any piece of me, especially my brain, the 'trip' I took wouldn't be possible any more, not in this way, not in this light. After this realization I completely lost it. Ego death. My mind was a piece of something else. The usefulness of holding onto anything physical had completely lost all importance. My eyes were fully open at this time and I felt the pain of my little sister, the blissful ignorance of my therapist, the longing for my friend Candice, the loss of the relationship with my father, I can only describe it as a weird state of omnipresence for every emotional connection I had in my life. I felt pain. Not physical in any sense, but pain that can only be described as acceptance. I accepted all of these unfortunate circumstances that damaged me in the past and was now viewing beauty and truth with no bias or point of view. I was viewing true beauty and it was viewing me back. The line that separated observed object and observing person dissolved. I wasn't sad at all, just upset that this feeling I had, this beauty I'm doing a shitty job of explaining was only being experienced by me at this moment, and maybe Nicole. There is a Greek god named Eros. The god of lust, love, and sex. There's also the counterpart Anteros, which is the god of love received. There's no other word or concept that explains that deep emotion I was experiencing except receiving love. I had the distinct feeling that my 'self', that is the piece of me that was 'Alex' was a distant memory. The umbilical cord of identity and ego had been completely severed. Amazing! I felt completely awakened and the "I" I describe is not the "I" writing this right now.
I started to cry. I was completely hysterical, realizing I had gone home, I had finally gone home. My home wasn't a house, my home is this state of being, this level of consciousness. The intensity of this emotion, the tears streaming down my face, the realization. I heard a voice, rather I came to understand what my mom had asked me if I ever did do heroic doses of hallucinogens. She said, if you do trip, please come back! Oh but Mom, you don't understand, you just don't understand. Although I now understood. If mushrooms were a part of me experiencing this, I was apart of my moms state of well-being, her Anteros, her love-received. Sex, drugs, this world, these politics, these rules, these structures, this house of cards--means nothing! They're all so fleeting. Even though the world seemed so fleeting I understood how much pain I had caused myself in the form of doubt, insecurities. I understood how cruel people can be. I truly felt the option to never come back and because of this, I was crying. I don't want to live again, I don't want to return-I wanted to be released from the karmic loop-de-loop that brings us back. Allow me the infinite in a moment. I then immediately saw the headline in some magazine reading, "First Time Shroomer Dies of Anxiety attack!" With this strange headline also came the realization that I've taken a trip that naturally occurs when you die. In time, I would come back to this state, and currently I would have welcomed it, I completely humbled myself before these beautiful little things that like to grow in cow-shit and they rewarded me with a peak into a transcendental state of mind. This experience was definitely transcendental, it was the "indescribable", it was consciousness experiencing itself and it's small piece that is a human life, it was Aldous Huxley's "escaping self-hood".
Still crying my friend came to me and started to hug me and reassure me that everything was alright, everything was going to be okay. She threw a blanket over me and I entered a tunnel, never ending--it seemed. I became warm, hot. It was so hot. I found her through this tunnel, her clothed body. Her lips, her eyes, her breasts, her beauty. I couldn't understand how something this impermanent, something that rapidly decays--our human form, could possess the beauty she had. Her eyes were haunting, mesmerizing. I could imagine the beauty of the sirens singing to Odysseus trapped in her eyes. I remember staring directly into her pupils, pure-black planets encased in white membrane and looking away. I repeatedly kept turning away and looking back. She was doing the same to me and every time I looked back into her eyes I fell in love. Every time I looked away I felt emotional pain, on par with losing your love. But every time I fell back in love with her and the pain was absolutely worth it to experience the love again. Every endless glance denoted another epoch of love, understanding, warmth We started to spoon and the energy transfer between was simply amazing, imagine an Alex Grey painting. The sense of identity loss, of ego-death, coupled with the physical connection and bonding with her was THE point! This was the point! I somehow found my way through this tunnel and I felt rebirthed after having died. She was the maternal warmth I felt as a baby that I now gladly bonded with again. She was my first love who I'd lost. She was the warmth I felt whenever I thought about my best friend. As I write this I'm in tears thinking about all the loss I've experienced, and also in tears for the love I received and the love I'm still receiving. I found soul-binding love and felt like I could give it to everyone I knew. We cuddled and lost ourselves to each other. Her eyes were an ocean, an eternity. Her lips, her chest, everything about her screamed a silent beauty only understood in this state. I started to try to talk but unfortunately only a deep vibrating frequency was emitted. Every time I tried to speak my voice trailed off into a weird digital sound and distortion.
At this point about three hours had passed and I was still tripping pretty hard. I FOUND THE MEANING OF LIFE! I completely forgot it (dammit!), but the heaven, or that state of consciousness can only be described as a soul journey. The warmth I felt for Nicole wasn't simply the warmth for this person so kindly calming me up when I was obviously breaking down, it was true love. After this some anxious part of me started taking over. Thank you ego, for fucking me over again. I had experienced heaven with direct knowledge that this physical plain of existence isn't the only thing that's important, to which my ego responded by making me experience an almost panic-attack. It seemed as though I had left for vacation and had finally come back. I left her side and went to the bathroom to pee when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had come back from vacation to this, my newly re-arranged body. I felt an energy, a quietness, a cool-collectedness that expressed itself as understanding, confidence. Some things in this universe are so beautiful. Some experiences are so profound you laugh trying to explain it because nothing comes close other than happy emotions experienced by yourself. I could imagine it being on par with a blind man trying to explain a dream in which he saw. Neither of you know what's going on.
The elation, the euphoria, the fear. This entire ecstatic and transcendental experience I underwent left me feeling somewhat awake. I peeked through a door of perception at eternity and I saw it smiling back.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_mushrooms
substancecode_tryptamines
explevel_firsttime
exptype_positive
exptype_spiritual
exptype_difficult
roacode_oral
March 21st, 2009
About a week ago I was able to score an once of Psilocybin Mushrooms from a friend I currently work with. I had read a lot about different mushroom experiences on Erowid.org and was fascinated with their claimed effect on and expansion of consciousness. I can only describe the experience in hindsight as transcendental. I'm finding it almost impossible to fully explain into words exactly what it is I experienced. Imagine a blind man trying to describe a vision he had in a dream to you. I remember at one point years ago my father telling me, while on mushrooms, you learn the meaning of life, then completely forget. I can now nod my head in ironic agreement. I don't think I've fully forgotten what it is I learned but the English language is a pretty shitty tool to use when trying to explain something like the meaning of life. Unfortunately something this amazing can only be experienced. My tripping buddy, Nicole, claimed during our peak, "Only we know" which was true in a sense, but I'm getting ahead of myself...
I called up my friend Nicole, after scoring the ounce, and arranged to take them at her place in the afternoon. This was going to be our first time tripping, not only together, but first time tripping ever. She told me she had done some before, but what she experienced sounded like she had taken just enough to get a mild body high and maybe a small amount of visuals. We both ate about 5 to 7 dried grams of our pungent-shitty tasting little friends which was precisely the amount Terrence McKenna would suggest that destruction of even the strongest ego would be guaranteed. "If you're not afraid you took too much, you haven't taken enough." I wasn't particularly scared at the amount I took, but I wasn't willing to do 10-14 grams my first time. I was about 60% excited and 40% nervous at the prospects of ego-death and my 5-7 grams but very anxious to experience it.
We both dosed ourselves and started to feel the effects within about a half an hour. Neither of us had eaten since the night before and it was about 1 o'clock in the afternoon when we finally ate them. I gobbled them down as she dipped each cap and stem in honey, commenting on how I was weird because I could stand the taste of eating shit. I commented on how she was pussy-footing around them and to stop being scared, all in good humor. When I started to notice them 'coming on' I asked that she turn the T.V. off as it was really distracting and to be honest a buzz kill. I was sitting on her couch relaxing with my head against her pillow waiting for some visuals when I noticed the stucco ceiling I was staring at started to kaleidoscope into tessellations and weird fractal patterns; vaguely resembling an M.C. Escher painting. Beautiful! The ceiling was still white, but in between these white patterns I saw fragments of colors developing. Deep indigos started to appear, neon-colored greens, deep reds and magentas. At this point I was completely euphoric and giggling/gasping like a baby. The colors were mesmerizing, hypnotic. I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. It's impossible to describe how much beauty I was experiencing but it was profound to say the least.
The 'coming up' was punctuated with fits of belly-aching laughter, deep, slow, yawning, an annoying runny nose and slight coldness. I knew all of these to be hallmark signs of mushroom use so I tried to enjoy them to the best of my ability. Enjoying the laughter was quite easy, but the yawning and runny nose were slightly weird. I couldn't tell if I was getting sick, but I knew all these to be the peculiar side effects of mushroom usage. I tried to tell all this to Nicole but for some reason it felt like the language circuit in my brain was shorting. I could think the thoughts but actually saying them out loud was difficult. She had been laughing hysterically too when she climbed under a blanket in the fetal position and complained about being cold. At this point my thought process was still pretty much intact but, once again, words were hard to form and express. I knew the eternity I was experiencing every second was what other people would experience as a regular minute, or seconds passing by. I commented to her room mate simply "time is standing still". About an hour had passed since we had both ate these shitty fungi when I had the distinct impression that my body was sinking into the couch. Gravity decided it wanted me to stay in place and my physical body or strength could do nothing to argue the point. I knew this feeling to be somewhat regular to a lot of people who had taken this big a dose so I wasn't particularly alarmed or scared as much as I was in awe or amazement. I told myself to relax, to let go, not to fight and I wouldn't freak out as so many other people had claimed they had done. After this I felt strange... My body felt as though it were being dislocated and dismembered, no physical pain, simply that my body was falling and fading away. My consciousness was still there, just the physical part of me was fading to nothingness. I tried to move my left arm, to which my right arm moved. It was, slightly annoying, funny nonetheless. I made a mental note of it and started to giggle again. It seemed as though some third person perspective had me pitted against the back of my head to which I couldn't particularly move any piece of myself or speak. After realizing the uselessness of my body, I closed my eyes and had the distinct impression I was in outer space. I felt like I was approaching a jelly-fish like planet. When I realized where I was and what I was experiencing it seemed as though a certain other presence was talking to me. I can't remember what it is we talked about but I remember opening my eyes to an almost overwhelming brightness to which the music we were currently listening sounded like beats punctuated by years of silence and strange sounds I won't even attempt to try to describe.
My thoughts were still completely intact and normal-like, but were reeling at what seemed like manic-speeds compared to the beats of the music. Contradictions were unveiling their truths to me in mind loops until they made sense. Afterwards, after these deep insights and realizations to which I can't recall at all, I felt this anxiety start to clutch my body, but I felt somewhat removed. The third-person point of view I felt hadn't left yet and I could experience what my consciousness was experiencing and how small a piece my physical body was. I had a new respect for my body though. I realized I couldn't damage it any more, whether it be through drugs or destructive patterns or obsessive behaviors. I realized this because if I damaged any piece of me, especially my brain, the 'trip' I took wouldn't be possible any more, not in this way, not in this light. After this realization I completely lost it. Ego death. My mind was a piece of something else. The usefulness of holding onto anything physical had completely lost all importance. My eyes were fully open at this time and I felt the pain of my little sister, the blissful ignorance of my therapist, the longing for my friend Candice, the loss of the relationship with my father, I can only describe it as a weird state of omnipresence for every emotional connection I had in my life. I felt pain. Not physical in any sense, but pain that can only be described as acceptance. I accepted all of these unfortunate circumstances that damaged me in the past and was now viewing beauty and truth with no bias or point of view. I was viewing true beauty and it was viewing me back. The line that separated observed object and observing person dissolved. I wasn't sad at all, just upset that this feeling I had, this beauty I'm doing a shitty job of explaining was only being experienced by me at this moment, and maybe Nicole. There is a Greek god named Eros. The god of lust, love, and sex. There's also the counterpart Anteros, which is the god of love received. There's no other word or concept that explains that deep emotion I was experiencing except receiving love. I had the distinct feeling that my 'self', that is the piece of me that was 'Alex' was a distant memory. The umbilical cord of identity and ego had been completely severed. Amazing! I felt completely awakened and the "I" I describe is not the "I" writing this right now.
I started to cry. I was completely hysterical, realizing I had gone home, I had finally gone home. My home wasn't a house, my home is this state of being, this level of consciousness. The intensity of this emotion, the tears streaming down my face, the realization. I heard a voice, rather I came to understand what my mom had asked me if I ever did do heroic doses of hallucinogens. She said, if you do trip, please come back! Oh but Mom, you don't understand, you just don't understand. Although I now understood. If mushrooms were a part of me experiencing this, I was apart of my moms state of well-being, her Anteros, her love-received. Sex, drugs, this world, these politics, these rules, these structures, this house of cards--means nothing! They're all so fleeting. Even though the world seemed so fleeting I understood how much pain I had caused myself in the form of doubt, insecurities. I understood how cruel people can be. I truly felt the option to never come back and because of this, I was crying. I don't want to live again, I don't want to return-I wanted to be released from the karmic loop-de-loop that brings us back. Allow me the infinite in a moment. I then immediately saw the headline in some magazine reading, "First Time Shroomer Dies of Anxiety attack!" With this strange headline also came the realization that I've taken a trip that naturally occurs when you die. In time, I would come back to this state, and currently I would have welcomed it, I completely humbled myself before these beautiful little things that like to grow in cow-shit and they rewarded me with a peak into a transcendental state of mind. This experience was definitely transcendental, it was the "indescribable", it was consciousness experiencing itself and it's small piece that is a human life, it was Aldous Huxley's "escaping self-hood".
Still crying my friend came to me and started to hug me and reassure me that everything was alright, everything was going to be okay. She threw a blanket over me and I entered a tunnel, never ending--it seemed. I became warm, hot. It was so hot. I found her through this tunnel, her clothed body. Her lips, her eyes, her breasts, her beauty. I couldn't understand how something this impermanent, something that rapidly decays--our human form, could possess the beauty she had. Her eyes were haunting, mesmerizing. I could imagine the beauty of the sirens singing to Odysseus trapped in her eyes. I remember staring directly into her pupils, pure-black planets encased in white membrane and looking away. I repeatedly kept turning away and looking back. She was doing the same to me and every time I looked back into her eyes I fell in love. Every time I looked away I felt emotional pain, on par with losing your love. But every time I fell back in love with her and the pain was absolutely worth it to experience the love again. Every endless glance denoted another epoch of love, understanding, warmth We started to spoon and the energy transfer between was simply amazing, imagine an Alex Grey painting. The sense of identity loss, of ego-death, coupled with the physical connection and bonding with her was THE point! This was the point! I somehow found my way through this tunnel and I felt rebirthed after having died. She was the maternal warmth I felt as a baby that I now gladly bonded with again. She was my first love who I'd lost. She was the warmth I felt whenever I thought about my best friend. As I write this I'm in tears thinking about all the loss I've experienced, and also in tears for the love I received and the love I'm still receiving. I found soul-binding love and felt like I could give it to everyone I knew. We cuddled and lost ourselves to each other. Her eyes were an ocean, an eternity. Her lips, her chest, everything about her screamed a silent beauty only understood in this state. I started to try to talk but unfortunately only a deep vibrating frequency was emitted. Every time I tried to speak my voice trailed off into a weird digital sound and distortion.
At this point about three hours had passed and I was still tripping pretty hard. I FOUND THE MEANING OF LIFE! I completely forgot it (dammit!), but the heaven, or that state of consciousness can only be described as a soul journey. The warmth I felt for Nicole wasn't simply the warmth for this person so kindly calming me up when I was obviously breaking down, it was true love. After this some anxious part of me started taking over. Thank you ego, for fucking me over again. I had experienced heaven with direct knowledge that this physical plain of existence isn't the only thing that's important, to which my ego responded by making me experience an almost panic-attack. It seemed as though I had left for vacation and had finally come back. I left her side and went to the bathroom to pee when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had come back from vacation to this, my newly re-arranged body. I felt an energy, a quietness, a cool-collectedness that expressed itself as understanding, confidence. Some things in this universe are so beautiful. Some experiences are so profound you laugh trying to explain it because nothing comes close other than happy emotions experienced by yourself. I could imagine it being on par with a blind man trying to explain a dream in which he saw. Neither of you know what's going on.
The elation, the euphoria, the fear. This entire ecstatic and transcendental experience I underwent left me feeling somewhat awake. I peeked through a door of perception at eternity and I saw it smiling back.
Tagged by Xorkoth
substancecode_mushrooms
substancecode_tryptamines
explevel_firsttime
exptype_positive
exptype_spiritual
exptype_difficult
roacode_oral
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