Okay, this is not so much a specific peeve, but more a string of annoyances that have overlaps. But it all stemmed from me trying to dye my hair, from a $15 grocery-store box type of thing, as a man in his mid 20s. For the first time (Note I used to have a friend who helped me when I wanted to change colors, but she's no longer in contact...).
The Process of Dying One's Hair at Home
I'm not about to be caught dead going to a salon, as a man, to have my hair dyed. Not just because it's expensive, but the price of the benzos I'd have to take before being ready for such a festival would probably give that of the actual dye-job a run for its money...
Okay, so I am in a generic American grocery store.
Clerk: Sir, can I help you find anything?
Redleader: Umm, the ones that only last like for a month or two. What brand is that?
Clerk: This is for you? ::starts pointing toward some brand made for men, whichever one helps with male pattern baldness::
Redleader: At the risk of being thrown out of the store for sexual harassment, how about I put my head right up in your face and you tell me if you see any balding areas. (...) haha, just kidding, no it's for my girlfriend. She asked me to get the one that wasn't permanent.
Clerk: Did she want semi-permanent, demi-permanent, anothermillionprefixes-permanent?
Redleader: I'm scared. I'm going to go to my happy place right now, the frozen food asile.
::drives to another grocery store::
Hmm, here's a brand name that says "lasts up to 28 shampoos." Sounds like what this guys wants, what this guy needs... Okay, I want to dye my hair black. Oh my god, do I want "Midnight Black," "Natural Black," "Thai Black," etc? Umm, I want "#000000 Black," where do I find that? Wait, wait...okay I'm going to buy the second, so I can go around town saying "I have naturally brown hair, but right now it's dyed naturally black!" Score!
So I get home and open the package. OKAY, WHY IS HAIR DYE THE ONLY PRODUCT IN THE GROCERY STORE WHICH COMES WITH INSTRUCTIONS IN LIKE 100 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES? What, do people come to America and think
Oh my God, the Statue of Liberty, the Sears Tower.....I NEED TO DYE MY HAIR NOW!!!? So I find the English page and start reading.
"For a more lighter, more subtle look, leave on for 10 minutes. For a richer, more vibrant look, leave on for 20 minutes."
Wow. I show up at my hypothetical job tomorrow:
Boss: Redleader, something's different about you. I just cannot put my finger on it....
Redleader: Ah, I dyed my hair. But only for ten minutes, and it was so subtle that you really didn't even notice!
Boss: I'm an open-minded kinda guy you know, I dig the whole hair-dye thing, but I'm also a GUY. And as a guy, I'm going to ask you a question. If you dye your hair, wouldn't the goal be so that people noticed?
Redleader: I mean maybe it's a maintenence thing. I don't know women all that well, so I don't know why one would have a lower-end of the spectrum initiative. But you know what, they didn't tell me that in the instructions. IT JUST SPENT FOREVER GOING ON ABOUT A STRAND-TEST TO MAKE SURE I WAS NOT TOO SENSATIVE IN THE SCALP, AND THE REST WAS SO BRIEF.
Boss: Man-to-man, you gotta hook my girl up with that bottle 3 conditioner :wink:
Do people actually do this strand-test thing? Like 24 hours before, like the instructions suggest? I mean maybe I'm wrong, but I did the strand test with the first squirt of the bottle. I'd have thought that if something DID go wrong, I would immediately go "ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch" (see previous page ITT) and jump around in the shower as if it were suddenly covered in hermit crabs. Food allergies, medicine allergies, animal allergies are all the real deal, but find me an epside of CSI which incorporates an allergic reaction to hair dye chemicals!
Anyway, it comes with three bottles. I am supposed to open bottle 1, pour its contents into bottle 2, close the cap on bottle two (which was in a cone shape), and then break off the cone and start squirting. Sound easy enough. I wash my hair first, as suggested, and then give bottle 2 a good shaking. But wait, it's not just popping off. Nope! I try biting it off, nope! God, so I'm forced to walk naked and dripping wet through my apartment, to my kitchen, to find scissors to cut off this cap. WHERE IS THE CARTOON OF THE WOMAN FROM THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL DOING THIS STEP? I am, afterall a guy, and my male urges wish for this part to be included? I'm going to be standing there with nothing to do in the shower for 20 minutes afterall with the dye in my hair
So I take out the plastic gloves. WHAT THE HECK, ARE THESE MADE FOR A FEMALE BIGFOOT WANTING TO HIDE AMIDST DIFFERENT COLOR TREES? So, soooooo big. If I ever met a woman who had hands which properly fit these gloves, I'd think dying her hair would be the least of her worries. Anyway, I get it all lathered up. It does feel and smell good, I'm starting to kind of let the inner goddess come out, appreciating more why women might want to...
MY WATER GOES OUT IN MY APARTMENT*.
Great timing! I'm forced to do the nude walk again, only to get my phone and call my landlord. An outage of unknown duration. Just great, ya
We're about to see how dark it gets, what is BEYOND BLACK. I once saw a goth kid sitting in a mall wearing a black shirt that read "I'm only wearing black until they come up with something darker" Well for both that kid and for the makers of the shirt, I am subjecting my body to the science necessary to push those boundaries a bit further.
85 MINUTES FURTHER!
I finally get to wash the stuff off. AGAIN, WHERE IS THE CARTOON OF THE WOMAN SCRUBBING HER FOREHEAD, NECK, EARS, HOME PHONE, ETC. FOR HOURS AFTER ALL OF THE STEPS ARE COMPLETE? I swear, one is not made to prepare for that madness in the instruction manual!
To give the story a happy ending, though, I did get the black hair that I had wanted
*This story actually happened in February, but I was remembered of it today, as my water has been going off a lot this week.
Then you have to fish it out of the can and you get spaghetti sauce all over your hand.
I don't want to become one of them, but every experience just makes me want to drive more agressively, so as to avoid such dull situations. But ya, I ended up missing Mom and now she had to leave for work hungry. Redleader gets Chinese takeout as a compromise ![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
