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alcoholism thread [merged]
- Thread starter sushii
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belarki
Bluelight Crew
Nice willpower silver and good luck trancegirlie! I only had about 4 shots of bourbon last night; finished the bottle and managed to go shopping without buying more. The second I got home I started considering going back out to buy some wine.... had to plant myself in front of some episodes of dexter to stop myself....
How are you doing with your dry spell n3o?
How are you doing with your dry spell n3o?
Had my first drink last night since my birthday so ya the first drink ive had in almost a month so not bad. Only had 1 500ml can of cider so that wasent bad but if id bought a whole case instead of just a can i woulda drank em. That urge to drink more was still there but strangely enough i didnt go for the flask of rum i had as well. I wasent in the mood for liquor i guess.
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
Sounds like a good plan.
There was a point where I was afraid to go one day. Going three days in a row a few times was a serious mission - I was in some pseudo-survival mode. Not drinking was all I could think of; I couldn't function normally in my life, much less normally than if I was drinking everyday.
I forced myself to slow down to just enough to keep me from physical withdrawal for around 2 weeks (no euphoria whatsoever, not even really changing from baseline). Then I stopped, and going three days was much easier. Then I made it a full week, and then all the way to 16 days
I had a few beers the other night, so I am officially back down to three days, but I'm fine with that. I'm living right now in a way that I don't really get antsy at night if I plan not to drink that day, going days without does not intimidate me as much, and I could do another 16 if I needed to. I probably will soon.
I am still an "alcoholic" in the way that the "once an..." people claim. But I am no longer acting like an active alcoholic; my behaviour is no different *in the current day* than the millions and millions of people who don't abuse it.
I'm still a bit of a way from not craving it at all or not wanting to use it either to escape, or as a social lubricant. But I'm in more control right now with my drinking than I have been since probably mid-2006.
My point is, two months ago I was as bad as ever, and was terrified of all things quitting. If it makes any sense, I *knew* that I needed to quit sooner than later or it would get real, real bad. So I got incredibly anxious in the head (didn't help that I was abusing mdma and amphets at the time as well) about knowing that I needed to quit for various reasons (several physical), but I was not in a point of my life where I was ready. I didn't know how fast doors were closing, I was confused and scared of knowns and unknowns. Scared of the WDs, afraid of feeling abandoned without it, paranoid that I wouldn't be able to sleep, and at a loss as to how I would deal with everyday stresses and unfortunate things that'd pop up. You could point out any other alcoholic to me, and I felt like I was just as sick as s/he.
I would watch the alcohol episodes of Invervention and think my life really isn't that much different.
But my point is that you will be able to suprise yourself with your willpower and control. It just takes getting all of the factors, both extraneous and about your detox, correct. But when you do, it's much easier than what your failed attempts were like. You actually can get your life back, no matter how scared you felt before about perminent damanges.
I hope detox goes well for you. If you let yourself be scared of it, than it's hell. If you can find a way to feel genuinely good about it, it's really not all that bad
And again, coming from someone who chooses not to go to AA, finds a lot of "sober people" to be annoying, hates phrases like "the grass really can be greener on the other side"...you just have to think of it as new days in your life that are "different" in a way. You'll be okay
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Ehh, I lasted 2.5 days, but hey, that's better than 1 right!
...it's a work in progress
That is awesome you didn't but alcohol when you got your groceries!! And even better that you didn't go back again to buy some. Great work belarki
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
oh c'mon... i'm pushing a month, and ive lost the desire to drink in the meantime.
its been said so many times, and because its true; it gets easier every day. maybe not with bottles standing around or stored away though.
its been said so many times, and because its true; it gets easier every day. maybe not with bottles standing around or stored away though.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
every time you want a drink, that of why you wouldnt want a drink(s).
belarki
Bluelight Crew
Ehh, I lasted 2.5 days, but hey, that's better than 1 right!
...it's a work in progress
That is awesome you didn't but alcohol when you got your groceries!! And even better that you didn't go back again to buy some. Great work belarki
Thanks n3o. Having a completely dry night tonight but getting traaasssshhhhhed tomorrow night (will be in uncomfortable social setting and sobriety won't cut it for my anxiety). %)
Good advice p.i.p. Some of my issues stem from my list of reasons wanting a drink being significantly longer than reasons not to drink. Great work on a month sober though, you must be feeling fit & healthy! :D
Sounds like a good plan.
There was a point where I was afraid to go one day. Going three days in a row a few times was a serious mission - I was in some pseudo-survival mode. Not drinking was all I could think of; I couldn't function normally in my life, much less normally than if I was drinking everyday.
I forced myself to slow down to just enough to keep me from physical withdrawal for around 2 weeks (no euphoria whatsoever, not even really changing from baseline). Then I stopped, and going three days was much easier. Then I made it a full week, and then all the way to 16 days
I had a few beers the other night, so I am officially back down to three days, but I'm fine with that. I'm living right now in a way that I don't really get antsy at night if I plan not to drink that day, going days without does not intimidate me as much, and I could do another 16 if I needed to. I probably will soon.
I am still an "alcoholic" in the way that the "once an..." people claim. But I am no longer acting like an active alcoholic; my behaviour is no different *in the current day* than the millions and millions of people who don't abuse it.
I'm still a bit of a way from not craving it at all or not wanting to use it either to escape, or as a social lubricant. But I'm in more control right now with my drinking than I have been since probably mid-2006.
My point is, two months ago I was as bad as ever, and was terrified of all things quitting. If it makes any sense, I *knew* that I needed to quit sooner than later or it would get real, real bad. So I got incredibly anxious in the head (didn't help that I was abusing mdma and amphets at the time as well) about knowing that I needed to quit for various reasons (several physical), but I was not in a point of my life where I was ready. I didn't know how fast doors were closing, I was confused and scared of knowns and unknowns. Scared of the WDs, afraid of feeling abandoned without it, paranoid that I wouldn't be able to sleep, and at a loss as to how I would deal with everyday stresses and unfortunate things that'd pop up. You could point out any other alcoholic to me, and I felt like I was just as sick as s/he.
I would watch the alcohol episodes of Invervention and think my life really isn't that much different.
But my point is that you will be able to suprise yourself with your willpower and control. It just takes getting all of the factors, both extraneous and about your detox, correct. But when you do, it's much easier than what your failed attempts were like. You actually can get your life back, no matter how scared you felt before about perminent damanges.
I hope detox goes well for you. If you let yourself be scared of it, than it's hell. If you can find a way to feel genuinely good about it, it's really not all that bad
And again, coming from someone who chooses not to go to AA, finds a lot of "sober people" to be annoying, hates phrases like "the grass really can be greener on the other side"...you just have to think of it as new days in your life that are "different" in a way. You'll be okay
Thank you so much for posting that Redleader! I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to being terrified of quitting even though i KNOW i have to. I had a meeting with a pre admission nurse today and worked myself up so much and was that anxious i couldn't go
i'm going next week instead. I'm still a part of my mind in some form of denial or justification perhaps. Very glad to hear you have your drinking under control these days though!
It's always so positive to hear, and helps me to believe in myself more. I've taken a lot from your post that i will remember, especially that i have to go in to detox with a view that it's going to be the best thing for my life. If it works. Let's hope..Ehh, I lasted 2.5 days, but hey, that's better than 1 right!
...it's a work in progress
Well done babe!
I know that 2.5 days is no easy task when drinking every day! I have always thought that it's necessary to learn how to take baby steps before you can leap. I think i'm going to have to apply this to not drinking. It's been 3 days since my meeting discussing my going into detox, and i have been smashed every day. I wish i was more disappointed in myself tbh
then i might have more will power, i have many things that are hurting me atm and that's all i can think of without numbing it with alcohol
RedLeader
Bluelight Crew
Thank you so much for posting that Redleader! I know exactly where you are coming from in regards to being terrified of quitting even though i KNOW i have to. I had a meeting with a pre admission nurse today and worked myself up so much and was that anxious i couldn't go
Very glad to hear you have your drinking under control these days though!
I know what you mean about being scared. I'm scared of whatever permanent damage I may have done to my liver, pancreas, etc. No part of my addiction was going to see a doctor to be told what shape I was in (though I did pass my insurance physical which took my blood, however I don't know what all they measured). I'm still in denial with regards to that. I'm just hoping that as I sober up, everything will get slowly better, as I am still young.
But ya, I was so scared. Certain people in my life knew that I drank a lot, and they saw me drink at odd times, by myself, noticed I had an elephant tolerance, etc. But I was always too scared to confess it to anyone. I didn't tell anyone IRL about my detox or that I have it under control. I only talk about it on BL.
I'm not here sitting in a pile of puppies, starring up and rainbows or anything. My life is still bad in many ways, and taking drinking away hasn't changed *me* all that much. I do notice that I am no longer crying all the time, which is really really neat. That's one thing about alcohol - it makes you hyper-emotional, and all of that emotion gets wrapped up in the detox process. But seriously, as your system cleans itself out, you still are emotional, but you don't cry as much, nor do you panic and get scared. Believing that to be true from the start, though, takes a huge leap of faith.
I have also noticed a slight improvement in my short-term memory. And I no longer blow off little things all of the time, like washing my face or going to the post office *today,* etc. It's a lot easier to form patterns, hobbies, etc. without that whole mentality of:
I only feel motivated to do stuff when I am in the process of getting drunk. But er, I'm drunk so stuff I do will probably suck in quality. So I'll just listen to music and sit around instead.
and
Concentration and lateral-thinking are as big of buzzkills as food. As much as the alcohol has me motivated to take up some big project, I won't, because I realize that booze is a scarce resource and I will do anything to preserve my buzz.
Those two always got me. Such addict ways of thinking
Sorry, I tend to write a lot.
brasil
Bluelighter
Had terrible times while drinking alot, like drinking 3 doses of vodaka in the morning to stand go to the university. but i was very depressed at that time. I call my self an alcoholic even nowadays )That i don't drink that much). In my opinion alcohol is a powerfull drug. Can't uderstand why it's licit, and marijuana not...
belarki
Bluelight Crew
Tax, and widespread use throughout most cultures for the last 2000 years. Prohibition was a complete failure in the States too, not sure what impact tight alcohol regulations have had in some Arabic nations? However that said; it's still hard to justify marijuana being illicit...
Edit: completely dry yesterday woot! pretty sick in the evening though. Hurray for temazepam!
The part you wrote i colour is exactly what i needed to hear. Thank you! I always think when i stop drinking all the bad will come flooding back 10 fold but i realise that the bad is here always and just cos i'm drinking it away and blacking out doesn't mean it's not there. I get upset/angry/scared/paranoid when drinking a lot but i don't remember so it feels like it equals itself out. One night after drinking a shitload with my best friend, she had to cradle me while i cried and said i was scared - of what i "wouldn't say" - for 3 hours. I woke up in the morning with no memory of it and wondering how we got to bed. Apparently i fell over and hit my head and elbow to, and sure as day there was an egg on my head and a massive scratch on my arm i have NO MEMORY of getting.I know what you mean about being scared. I'm scared of whatever permanent damage I may have done to my liver, pancreas, etc. No part of my addiction was going to see a doctor to be told what shape I was in (though I did pass my insurance physical which took my blood, however I don't know what all they measured). I'm still in denial with regards to that. I'm just hoping that as I sober up, everything will get slowly better, as I am still young.
But ya, I was so scared. Certain people in my life knew that I drank a lot, and they saw me drink at odd times, by myself, noticed I had an elephant tolerance, etc. But I was always too scared to confess it to anyone. I didn't tell anyone IRL about my detox or that I have it under control. I only talk about it on BL.
I'm not here sitting in a pile of puppies, starring up and rainbows or anything. My life is still bad in many ways, and taking drinking away hasn't changed *me* all that much. I do notice that I am no longer crying all the time, which is really really neat. That's one thing about alcohol - it makes you hyper-emotional, and all of that emotion gets wrapped up in the detox process. But seriously, as your system cleans itself out, you still are emotional, but you don't cry as much, nor do you panic and get scared. Believing that to be true from the start, though, takes a huge leap of faith.
I have also noticed a slight improvement in my short-term memory. And I no longer blow off little things all of the time, like washing my face or going to the post office *today,* etc. It's a lot easier to form patterns, hobbies, etc. without that whole mentality of:
I only feel motivated to do stuff when I am in the process of getting drunk. But er, I'm drunk so stuff I do will probably suck in quality. So I'll just listen to music and sit around instead.
and
Concentration and lateral-thinking are as big of buzzkills as food. As much as the alcohol has me motivated to take up some big project, I won't, because I realize that booze is a scarce resource and I will do anything to preserve my buzz.
Those two always got me. Such addict ways of thinking
Sorry, I tend to write a lot.
But worse than that i have fucked off almost everything i have ever been, or been proud of being and replaced it with alcohol. I lost my job, sense of pride and responsibility and now just drown them nagging thoughts out and do nothing. I'm so disappointed in myself! My tolerance to alcohol is ridiculous now, and i can't afford to eat let alone drink atm but drinking sadly get's priority. I'm upset and don't have much alcohol tonight and can't afford more so am freaking out. Oh god, i never knew anything could have such control over me
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panic in paradise
Bluelighter
i found a 20 beer i had stashed earlier, i instantly licked my lips..... but then dumped every one of them.
fuck they smelled so good.
fuck they smelled so good.
ocean
Bluelight Crew
^I am proud of you.....you should be proud of yourself.....
Mariposa
Bluelight Crew
^^^good for you.
5 days abstinent. The main thing that deters me from drinking is thinking about what I have lost and could lose in the future if I start drinking problematically again. I am kinda brainwashing myself into believing it is a toxin (which it is) that has hindered my spiritual and mental growth.
It also helps that I'm not hanging around any big drinkers. If I was I doubt I would be able to keep this up. The drama quotient in my life drops so much when I don't drink. I like that part of being sober the best.
5 days abstinent. The main thing that deters me from drinking is thinking about what I have lost and could lose in the future if I start drinking problematically again. I am kinda brainwashing myself into believing it is a toxin (which it is) that has hindered my spiritual and mental growth.
It also helps that I'm not hanging around any big drinkers. If I was I doubt I would be able to keep this up. The drama quotient in my life drops so much when I don't drink. I like that part of being sober the best.
panic in paradise
Bluelighter
thats what i keep doing, brainwashing myself. im still thinking about it and able to smell it, and taste it, wishing i could but knowing i cant - i cant?!? i can of course i can but i dont want to be in a situation where those 20 beers wouldnt of lasted me past 5pm, and if i couldnt get more when they were gone.... god knows what would of happened.
hahah, those beers have been sitting there a couple/few of months, i went through a lot of trouble more then enough times for less during that run.
ohhhh such is life...
hahah, those beers have been sitting there a couple/few of months, i went through a lot of trouble more then enough times for less during that run.
ohhhh such is life...
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