MDMA (500mg) & Cannabis - Experienced - The Sinister Side of MDMA

[Darkveiled]

I felt like I had to write a trip-report for this as I've never felt quite like this on MDMA before, and to be honest, it's made me see the drug in a whole new light and therefore the honeymoon period for me and Ecstasy is most definately over.

There was 4 of us altogether, one of us wasn't taking any of the MD, let's call him C. The two other people there were my boyfriend, E and his friend J.

The evening started off rather nicely, we were all in quite high spirits as we'd had a few joints and were looking forward to getting started on the MD. I also had 2 other friends coming over for a while (K & A), but they weren't around for the actual experience as they planned to go to a rave that night.

(9.00pm) J started on the MD before me and E did, he railed quite a few lines and by the time we started he was quite fucked.
(11:00pm) I started off with a large bomb (200mg or so) and snorted a very small line of the leftovers on the mirror (10mg). E did the same.

I started to come-up after about 20 minutes, was quite a smooth transition as I usually have a very messy and uncomfortable come-up. I made another bomb (150mg or so) and one for E aswell. J just carried on snorting until he eventually ran out (I'm not sure what time this was...).

(12.00am) We put on a film, American Beauty and we all got heavily into it, really noticking how much effort was really put into the directing. Camera angles, lighting. It was all very very deep. I think, even though we enjoyed the film, that it subconciously set us up in a bad mindframe for the rest of the evening.

Now is when everything started to get a bit fucked up... Or what Erowid refers to as a 'Crash' and fuck, it was a crash.
(2.30am) Me, E and J started talking very deeply about the current state of our lives, wether deep down we really truthfully enjoyed them or if it was all an act of togetherness we put on for the world each day. This went on for maybe 20 minutes and I said to my friend J (who is thinking he might be psychotic) that "He can be psychotic if he wants to, but it's not the choice I would advise". This came out in a very angry way and I apologised to him, but he obviously took it badly, thinking that deep deep down that's how I really wanted it to sound.
This then put me & J into a rather horrible thought-linking that lasted the rest of the night.

(3.00am) I remember at one point I was sitting on the sofa talking to E about how I was feeling and J looked straight into my eyes. Straight THROUGH my eyes and said to me in such a tone of malice and contempt "Now that's a very bad example of acting".
I didn't catch onto this completely until about 5 minutes after he said it. Everytime I heard the word act or acting it felt like I was being stabbed my invisible knives.

This whole "acting" charade carried on for the rest of the night, him noticing what kind of person I was really like deep down, knowing more about me than I know about myself. And I was doing the same to him. Every time I looked at him I could see exactly how he worked. How evil I truly understood him to be.

During this time I finished off the rest of my MD in various ways.

Me and E then went out for a walk at about 6am, because I physically couldn't take the tension between me and J.
(7.00am) We walked back to our flat and then I tried to get some sleep. K & A had come back from the rave and were sleeping in me and E's bedroom, so we had to sleep in the living room. The same room as J. I can't explain the complete fear I had about sleeping in the same room as him, and even after the experience had finished, I don't think I am ever going to look at him in the same way again.

I still can't forget that look J gave me, it was like staring into the eyes of the Devil.

I'm never going to forget this experience, and it has shown me what a powerful, powerful drug MDMA truly is. And how fake the happiness it is known for really is.
The happiness is just a plus point for the first few hours, but the real trip begins on the comedown. You see things for what they truly are, not the deluded happy state you're in when you first take it.

I am never going to forget this, and I guess I will find out in a week or so how much it has truly affected me.

substancecode_marijuana
substancecode_cannabis
substancecode_mdma
substancecode_empathogens
explevel_experienced
roacode_oral
roacode_smoked
roacode_inhaled
exptype_negative
_combo_

 

[centro]

Sounds grimey man.

 

[stonerfromohio]

I find it interesting you considered the happy euphoria delusional yet the negative side realistic, how could you come to that conclusion? Is it because the drug is what created the happiness due to the rush of seratonin and the negativity was experienced during the come down of the chemical rush so therefore the latter was not chemically induced and therefore real? I would say you couldnt say the latter part of the night was any more real than the euphoria you experienced because on the comedown you still werent feeling your normal neuro-chemistry you were feeling what its like to be depleted of seratonin. But whether or not you were experiencing your normal neurotransmitter levels I dont think that state can be determined more real than any other state of consciousness. I think you delve into what is real and what is not real, I dont think we can ever truly coin something more real than something else. What makes your dreams any less real than reality? During the dream it often feels as real as what we consider waking life. As for looking into his eyes and seeing the devil I know thats how you felt and you interperted the situation but what makes those thoughts true? Just because you think something doesnt make it true, for example if I have thoughts that people are thinking bad things about me and believe it that doesnt make it true. I think that applys to your situation, thats how you interperted the situation but that was only your perception and thoughts. Although ive had experiences like yours I would say you misinterpreted the situation, but then again whos to say which perception is more true than any other? I dunno it seems as if im running in circles

 

[danau]

The happiness is just a plus point for the first few hours, but the real trip begins on the comedown. You see things for what they truly are, not the deluded happy state you're in when you first take it.

Interesting thought. But if you're feeling that way then it's time for an extended break

I'm unsure of your tollerance levels - was this a particularly large dose for you? It would be for most.

 

[Darkveiled]

@ stonerfromohio - I drew that conclusion based on how much more real the dark side felt. I mean yeah, the happy feels real when you're in it, but once you've experienced something that.. Cold. The happy just seems to dissapear...
Thanks though, for making me think about it the other way around. I understand where you're coming from, I think what it is, is that a feeling of hate is a much stronger feeling than love for me. But that's just based on my personality and perceptions of the world - I'm sure it's different for everyone.

@ danau - It's most definately, definately time for a break. A break that I'm not sure would be right to return from again...
Yeah my tolerance is quite high. I seem to have that on a lot of drugs though, and it's really annoying cos I'm usually pretty damn sensible when it comes to taking breaks etc. my tolerance just builds really quick...

 

[stonerfromohio]

@ stonerfromohio - I drew that conclusion based on how much more real the dark side felt. I mean yeah, the happy feels real when you're in it, but once you've experienced something that.. Cold. The happy just seems to dissapear...
Thanks though, for making me think about it the other way around. I understand where you're coming from, I think what it is, is that a feeling of hate is a much stronger feeling than love for me. But that's just based on my personality and perceptions of the world - I'm sure it's different for everyone.

@ danau - It's most definately, definately time for a break. A break that I'm not sure would be right to return from again...
Yeah my tolerance is quite high. I seem to have that on a lot of drugs though, and it's really annoying cos I'm usually pretty damn sensible when it comes to taking breaks etc. my tolerance just builds really quick...

Do not let hate be a much stronger feeling that love for you, that will only lead to you suffering. Love can diffuse hate. Thats what you've conditioned your personality to percieve you can condition yourself to be anyway you wish, and I would think it would be in your best intrest to condition yourself to value love over hate as that will lead to liberation from suffering. As far as quitting MDMA I think you know which decision is the right one its the decision of whether you want to go through with it or not.

 

[>ENLiGHT*]

Love and hate are both emotions. Each emotion has a characteristic which can lead to the perception of the situation by magnifying it or masking it with its depth especially under the influence on psychedelics

 

[Percussion_is_Free]

ha ha you guys were all fucked up from watching american beauty while peaking. That's my diagnosis.

 

[brainslookfunny]

Me, E and J started talking very deeply about the current state of our lives, wether deep down we really truthfully enjoyed them or if it was all an act of togetherness we put on for the world each day.

this is a very very important thing to come to understand

whether you are just going through the motions
or actually enjoying the sensations of life

sure it's dark, but imo a crucial part of growing up

 

[rational_animal]

Its important when you are on drugs not to give credibility to anything that occurs - you are stoned, you have altered your neurochemistry to make sure your brain malfunctions in interesting ways.

Therefore nothing you experience can be really insightful or actually meaningful, and is best viewed as entertaining. Given that people can be entertained by horror movies i don't have any doubt that lots of trippers watch monsters come out of their subconscious and think Wow! The same is true of the crash. The agony is as artificial as the ecstasy. It pays to remember that when you are on your blue period 2-3 days later, your depression is not due to your life being fucked but your serotonin depletion (self induced by taking MDMA).

Don't mess up your friendships by fixating on things that happen when you are stoned.

 

[sigmundfloyd25]

I don't mean to judge but that large of a dose makes me cringe. I feel MDMA should be used around 100mg as an emotional opener, the larger doses seem to produce manic and unbalanced feelings.

 

[cdubb]

yea dude ive had times like this after doin too many pills...i dont like it one bit

 

[d-Dexter-25]

Sounds like you had MDA not MDMA to me!!!

 

[tambourine-man]

I don't mean to judge but that large of a dose makes me cringe. I feel MDMA should be used around 100mg as an emotional opener, the larger doses seem to produce manic and unbalanced feelings.

I'm not sure about that.

Two or three doses at 150mg - evenly spaced apart over a six hour period - is a perhaps lot in comparison to what some people may take for therapeutic or spiritual purposes, but it's not that excessive.

For me, the part of this story that made me cringe was...

This whole "acting" charade carried on for the rest of the night, him noticing what kind of person I was really like deep down, knowing more about me than I know about myself. And I was doing the same to him. Every time I looked at him I could see exactly how he worked. How evil I truly understood him to be.

During this time I finished off the rest of my MD in various ways.

Thought: That person is evil and he hates me!
Response: More magic happy powder... stat!

No, no, no, no, nooooooooo! :D

I think when I reach the point where a friend starts to resemble original sin, and his gaze is enough to burn holes into my very soul, I'd probably be thinking about calling it a night and putting the drugs in a cupboard somewhere.

I know hindsight is 20/20 and we can all offer great advice after an event has occurred, but honestly... my first instinct would have been to abandon any thoughts of taking more serotonin-depleting chemicals whilst in the midst of what must have been an incredibly anxious and difficult set of circumstances.

I'm never going to forget this experience, and it has shown me what a powerful, powerful drug MDMA truly is. And how fake the happiness it is known for really is.

The happiness is just a plus point for the first few hours, but the real trip begins on the comedown. You see things for what they truly are, not the deluded happy state you're in when you first take it.

Therefore nothing you experience can be really insightful or actually meaningful, and is best viewed as entertaining...

...The agony is as artificial as the ecstasy. It pays to remember that when you are on your blue period 2-3 days later, your depression is not due to your life being fucked but your serotonin depletion (self induced by taking MDMA).

Don't mess up your friendships by fixating on things that happen when you are stoned.

I simply can't agree with either of these two statements. Both imply a distinction between a genuine happiness and one that is falsely created through ingestion of a particular stimulant. While I agree that there is a difference between the happiness you achieve through a balanced life and the ecstasy you experience (clue's in the title) under the influence, I think it's a bit of a false dichotomy to make.

There is no 'authenticity' or 'genuineness' debate to be had, because the emotions you experience under the influence of any MDx substance aren't meant to be happiness per se. They're often an intense shower of testing emotional ranges that can help you to look at a particular problem in a differing mood, allow you to approach someone in an unconventional headspace, or help you blow off steam, and even provide space for a degree of indulgence that, paradoxically, is needed to achieve the very balance that can provide 'true' happiness.

While I don't wish to sound like some wailing old hippy, the idea that there can be no insight or meaning found within the intoxicated state is... well, a bit silly really. While I've yet to write a piano concerto while tripping on shrooms, I can cite specific examples where a drug has allowed me to correct negative thought patterns that had been acquired, not while under the influence, but through the generally twisted perspective of everyday, sober life. :D

Rule of thumb here is... while 90% of what goes on while intoxicated may be nothing more than fluff, pretty pictures (or in your case, a fairly dismal communication error), the 10% of insight can stretch a long way if you actually want it. And, likewise, there's no guarantee that the assumptions you make while sober are any more accurate either.

Anyway, getting back to your situation Darkveiled, you can probably be sure that if the experience affected you, then your friend has probably been similarly affected. Irrespective of what condition either of you were in at the time, words can and do hurt - even if they were uttered and interpreted under the most stuporous circumstances. If it was me, I'd have to muster the strength to apologise to him face-to-face while completely sober. Maybe get your head straight about what happened and explain to him how bad you feel.

Shit man. Thanks for posting anyway. Made for an interesting and alternative read. Your profile says you haven't been active since 20th of December, but I'd be really interested in hearing an update on you and your friend. Really hope it works out well for you.

 

[Tomer]

I will sound like an asshole, but I don't care. To OP, this is what happens when people who are dumb, coupled with their dumb view of, "well, if I take so much of this drug, I will have an awesome experience!" are mixed together.

You took more than HALF of a normal dose of MDMA. People post on this site all the time, proclaiming, "Sheesh, I took 100grams of this drug, and I ODed, what an awful drug!" Do you see what I'm getting at?

The only thing you should have learned from this experience, is, less is more. And, moderation. You and your friends took a shitload of X, and payed the price for it. Of course, the crash will be horrific. Coupled with the fact, that you watched a somber movie on it, and your whole plan for the night was completely off kilter.

You need to be more responsible, and not let the drug overtake your experience.

 

[Darkveiled]

I really appreciate everyone's concerns here, and I thought I better drop in and let everyone know that everything's back to baseline now heh.

It was an experience that at the time and shortly after I wish I'd never had, but now I realise it was something that I needed. I think really it was my mind telling me, in perhaps a very harsh way, to take a look at what I am doing. I was getting into a bit of a cycle with MDMA again and this helped snap me out of it. You tend to forget these things when you're in the midst of it all.

It's given me a much greater respect for MDMA once again.

I don't mean to judge but that large of a dose makes me cringe. I feel MDMA should be used around 100mg as an emotional opener, the larger doses seem to produce manic and unbalanced feelings.

Perhaps for some, yes. But for me and my group of friends this is standard. It's not 500mg in one go, it is spaced out. I'm not an abuser, I make sure I leave more than enough time between experiences and even after long breaks it seems my tolerance has settled at this amount.


@ ChexMix - The friend has always been a bit of an.. Odd one to say the least, but we have now talked about it and are back to normal! This kind of experience was a first for him aswell so after talking through, it has cleared the air between us.

Thought: That person is evil and he hates me!
Response: More magic happy powder... stat!

No, no, no, no, nooooooooo!

I hadn't noticed this before, but thank you for picking up on it! I think you've hit the nail on the head here really! It's very difficult to stop, once you get started though. If you know what I mean? When you're in an altered state of consciousness, or at least for me anyway, I just seem to go, go, go, go, go until there is nothing left. I think it's some sort of subconscious closure I give myself that if there is no more left, I can't do it anymore.

Thanks for your concern though, and that's why I thought I should reply, just to let you know that my headspace is much clearer now and everything is OK. I was going through a bit of a rough time after it, but that is no longer the case thankfully .

I will sound like an asshole, but I don't care. To OP, this is what happens when people who are dumb, coupled with their dumb view of, "well, if I take so much of this drug, I will have an awesome experience!" are mixed together.

I think it's unfair to assume this was the reason I took the drug, reasons could of stemmed deeper than that, but I won't go into it.

You took more than HALF of a normal dose of MDMA. People post on this site all the time, proclaiming, "Sheesh, I took 100grams of this drug, and I ODed, what an awful drug!" Do you see what I'm getting at?

I understand, yes. But I didn't take that much all at once. Spread over the evening this is a common amount really. MDMA tolerance is a big issue, and if someone can still go through an entire night on just 100mg of it then I am happy for them! But this is not relevant to me, and will never be again. But like I said above, I am not an abuser, and keep a good eye on how much I'm using and when.

But anyway, the moral of the story is, it was the kick in the teeth I needed to give me back my respect for how powerful drugs can be.

 

[tambourine-man]

The friend has always been a bit of an.. Odd one to say the least, but we have now talked about it and are back to normal! This kind of experience was a first for him aswell so after talking through, it has cleared the air between us.

Cool.

I hadn't noticed this before, but thank you for picking up on it! I think you've hit the nail on the head here really! It's very difficult to stop, once you get started though. If you know what I mean?

Only from painful experience. :D

Thanks for your concern though, and that's why I thought I should reply, just to let you know that my headspace is much clearer now and everything is OK. I was going through a bit of a rough time after it, but that is no longer the case thankfully .

Cooler still.

Thanks for closing the circle and giving us an epilogue.

 

[ColinGibs]

wow i just posted something similar a few minutes ago to this thread. Basically the same exact drug amounts too...

really sucks

 

[AfterGlow]

500mg of MDMA is not that excessive a dose? It sure the hell is! If a normal dose of 100-125 mg was taken and followed up only with another 50-75mg, then I believe the experience would not have been negative the way it was. Respect the drug and it will respect you back. It's that simple.