Disclaimer: I will be upfront in the fact that I've been using kratom everyday since 2018 to control chronic pain and have used 0.5mg-2mg of xanax at most 2-3 times a month every 6-9 months for the past 5 years or so to help with falling asleep.
My past: From 2008 until 2013 I was hooked very badly on oxycodone and/or hydrocodone to control various types of chronic pain. Along with benzo near daily. Which I used to control chronic pain for: Wisdom teeth, torn out knees, later torn out shoulder, pain from a cracked skull among some others issues (like fingers and toes I broke in the past) and things like cracked ribs (I worked on a farm all my life and participated in sports like motocross, moto/ATV enduro and various other forms of auto racing like open wheel modified, late models and several other disciplines. Speed/racing is my original "high" and I suffered many injuries over the years as a result. MANY concussions/head injuries. Mostly back in the day when all the ER/doctors did was go "LOL you had a concussion here have some xanax bars, go home, sleep/sit in dark room and wait until you feel better).
I also used various substances like K, LSD, Mushrooms and many RCs like MXE in an attempt to "fix myself". Both from problems caused by the concussions and my chronic pain and lingering issues from stuff like being depressed massively from the age of about 6. I was also handed stuff like hydrocodone young due to motorcycle/ATV/racing injuries because that was acceptable back then. Both from doctors and my own parents. The doctors were regularly giving me stuff like xanax, oxy/hydro pills (10+mg) and even for mild coughs giving my little brother and I massive bottles of Tussinex (my sweet beloved liquid ER hydrocodone how I miss you!) since I was mildly allergic to codeine (which I can take and have done many CWEs when nothing better was around. But I have to take an anti-histamine with it else my skin turns bright red and I'll scratch myself until I bleed).
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Enough of the past. Let's talk about today:
After over a decade of being able to control my intake of opioids and no longer using oxycodone, hydrocodone, oxymorphone, morphine (my favorite god I want a morphine dream+nod), hydromorphone and probably every other pharma opioid you've ever heard of I finally relapsed today. I am so ashamed of myself right now. I quit methadone cold turkey twice. I quit bupe cold turkey after realizing that it was ruining my teeth, not a good idea to snort it and a horrible idea to combine with kratom (once I figured that out I blew through my stash). I was only stashing bupe to keep in my freezer in case kratom got taken off the market/banned back in the last 2010s-2020s. I was getting a strip/pill of it for free every week. Which I kept in a large pill bottle in my freezer. At one point I had enough to taper down off kratom if need be and use bupe if need be for 12+ months. But one day I got bored and was depressed. I snorted a piece of one of the pills and figured out that it doesn't block kratom's effects at all. I could use them in combo to give kratom a kick and sometimes even nod off of it. It wasn't long after that my stash of bupe was gone (I think I might have one strip left now). Since at heart I am an addict and once I get started I can't control myself.
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Today for real this time:
Today I was out working in the heat. I really hurt. I mean really really hurt my shoulder was killing me and my knees felt like they had pebbles in them despite the fact that I took three doses of kratom over the course of 2-3 hours before I could even get out in the yard and get started doing the mowing and weed eating required to upkeep my families property. A task I do every week usually and sometimes every 2 weeks if it hasn't rained lately.
Well as I'm making my rounds a Great Uncle calls me into his house. He needed my help with something related to tech support. Which I was happy to help with for free because I love my family like that (and I hope everyone else does).
In passing I mentioned my shoulder and knees were really hurting today along with my back from all the weed eating I did in the 100F+ degree weather. My shoulder is so bad now that when I rotate it the sound it makes it so loud others can hear it clearly. You know when you're trying to pull start a stubborn small 2 cycle engine on a chainsaw/weedeater? It sounds like that when I rotate it or lift it. I can feel things moving around inside of that shoulder that shouldn't be (rotator cup I imagine). I pulled it at a shit temp. job about a decade ago one day and when I went to the doctor he told me nothing was wrong with it. Ran a massage ball down my back (very painful) and while he did fix my ability to lift my arm that day it was of little help long term. I can't afford to see him (or any doctor) again. When I have tried and paid cash (no health insurance) it led to me getting labeled "drug seeker" and no one taking me serious. It's all in my head they say. Even though if I sleep on my side or my back (or any way really) I'll sometimes wake up in horrible pain and sometimes if I'm not careful I cause horrible pain. Knees are a similar story. I don't even have an MCL (or LCL) in one of my knees anymore. Haven't had one in it for 15 years now I tore it out at work one day and was too nice to apply for workman's comp., sue them and I wasn't on the company health insurance yet when it happened. I went to a doctor, paid cash, he blew me off and none since have ever taken it serious even though I can clearly feel no MCL/LCL is there any more and it's bone where it's supposed to be.
I keep ranting sorry...
The pain was so bad today I asked my Uncle if he had anything for it laying around. I was expecting Ibuprofen. Instead, he pulls out of a bottle of 10mg/325mg Hyrocodone combo pills. I said okay I'll just take 1 and if you don't care I'll grab one more to store for later. I figure after all these years I could control myself and wouldn't be tempted to eat them both. But I did right then and there.
I sit around for an hour or two trying to help his live-in girlfriend get Peacock and HBO Max working on the TV he bought for her bedroom. Google has locked him out of the account we need to log-in to (gmail) to get the one-time codes to approve that streaming box under her TV. So I spent hours trying to recover the account with no luck since Google's tech support might as well not exist anymore and they refuse to call the landline tied to the account to give me the code I need to recover it.
While all this is going on she casually mentions she has some xanax and some pain pills. By this point I'm a bit angry and I'm still hurting bad from today's labor. I also haven't had my kratom for several hours by this point. I accept 1mg of xanax and another pain pill. I promptly break it in half and now I'm up to 25mg or Hydrocodone.
I give her access to my personal media server instead and download some shows/movies she's been wanting to watch. As a thank you she hands me a goodie bag and tells me not to look inside until I get home.
When I get home after a nice shower I decide to lay on my couch. I go into the bag because she hinted she gave me some chocolate and a piece of homemade pie. What do I find in the bag along with that?
There were 20 10/325mg Hydrocodone pills and 10 1mg xanax tablets in a pill bottle she put inside. Along with some misc. "natural" stuff she's into taking I guess.
I am ashamed to say that I decided fuck this. It has been so long since I've had a nod and a proper opioid buzz (kratom can't compare to classic opioids let's be honest). I haven't slept longer than 4 hours at a time in the last several weeks. They're free? What's the harm? So I start in on eating blues and hydros. My dumb ass even did the stupid dumb ass thing people here did back in my pill abusing days. Snorting these combo opioid/tylenol combo tablets. I busted down 10mg/325 Hydro and hoovered that shit up like old times. Then when the xanax started to kick in I broke another one in half and did it again. Ran some water up my nose just like the old days to flush it out. Then I busted up the other half and snorted that to. Yes I know it's retarded. But that was the culture here back then (trust me: We all much preferred snorting roxis (still stupid) and Oxymorphone (amazing, loved those old non-abuse proof ERs).
Snorting opioids was an addiction in to itself for me back in the day. Like my friend was with the needle (he's shoot up plain water if no opioids/cocaine/MXE was around).
So after over a decade of not snorting anything and staying away from my drugs of choice here I am. With this bottle full of my drugs of choice that I've already been dipping into and I still have tons of them left. I'm sure I will be nodding tonight at some point. Probably my first real nod in years. I'm amazed I'm not already close already. But I guess my tolerance was kept somewhat high by my daily kratom intake over the past decade or so. But of course I haven't taken 4-5mg of the xanax at once yet along with 50+mg of the hydro within about 1-2 hours of each other. Oh and I've been taking in kratom this entire time to. Maybe not as much as usual. But I've already done 3-4 doses since these pills were gifted to me.
I'm so ashamed of myself that I didn't just say no. I should have known better. But how often does someone hand you pills that are selling for 10 times what I used to pay for them on the street during my active addiction and give you a bottle filled with them?
I think I'm going to shoot for a nod tonight then tomorrow. Maybe it's best I just give them back. I'd sell them but I've been out of the game for over a decade now and I know damn well I don't want to go hunting for those people (well the ones that are still alive). Even though I could eat like a king for a month just off half of what I have left.
I just wanted to put this down somewhere. It was so easy to go back. Before I knew it I was cutting up a drinking straw and hoovering up that nasty combo opioid filled with a bunch of shit I don't want going up my nose. But the feeling I got was so.....nostalgic. Like hanging out with an old friend I haven't seen in ages.
The only thing that would have been better is getting some IR morphine tablets/capsules and drawing up like 60mg in 1ml of water and doing that. I really miss morphine dreams/nods so much. I loved nothing more than that. I always got my best ideas in those morphine dreams. It killed my pain like nothing else. It was the only time in life I think I was truly content with the world outside of when I'd go really heavy on oxycodone/hyrodocone and of course oxymorphone (which still ranks number 2 on my person scale after a few proper hits of morphine.
But I'm so sad. I swore to myself I'd never expereince a nod again until I got IV morphine in a hospital setting. I planned on putting that off until just before I died since I'm scared of needles and didn't want to get started doing the needle on my own (I'd already be dead if I did). But if morphone is as good as it is through rectal ROA it must be 100x better through IV. Maybe one day I'll eventually find that out. But considering they wouldn't even give me IV morphine when I had a kidney stone I doubt it'll ever happen.
I don't know which doctor marked that I was a "drug seeker" in my medical records. But if I ever find out I'm going to kick his ass. Since it's cruel and unusual punishment to deny people opioids when they have kidney stones. Every single family member and friend I've taken to the ER for kidney stones got a shot of morphine no questioned asked within 10 minutes of us showing up to the ER. Me? I got sat in a waiting room for over 8 hours. When I finally did get seen by a doctor he treated me like the scum of the Earth. Then he gave me a shot of something non-opioid that didn't even do anything for the pain. Handed me a 5mg Percocet and acted like it was a big deal and I was lucky I was getting that at all. Then he sent me home still in horrible pain with a prescription for Percocet. So I thought nice at least I'm getting something tomorrow morning and won't be in pain then even thought I'm still in horrible pain now. I go to fill it the next morning and guess how many I get? Four in total! Along with getting charged $50+ for a small bottle of Ibuprofen I could have bought for almost nothing OTC. But they wouldn't even give me those without a 15+ minute interview because the pharmacists needed to do a bunch of paper work for "why you need this super powerful cocktail of drugs".
Fuck the American medical community. It isn't my fault they got me hooked on opioids when I was a naive small child. Yet now they act like I'm the scum of the Earth if I come to the hospital in the most horrible pain you can imagine and I get nothing! Meanwhile, all my family get treated like royalty and they get proper pain killers within minutes of presenting to the ER no matter how many people are waiting in the waiting room.
Sorry for the medical community rant. It just makes me so mad that they treat people this way. If I were a doctor I would actually give a fuck about my patients. I certainly wouldn't prescribe what I know are opioids to everyone for nothing for years because I'm getting massive kick backs from the pharma companies only to turn around and blame the addicts I created for the problem I (and the pharma company I supported) caused. I certainly wouldn't deny someone with a kidney stone a proper opioid even if I thought they were a drug addict. Even the nurses at the ER the night I went to talked shit about that doctor while standing in the room with me. About how what he was doing to me was cruel. She apologized that she couldn't give me a proper drug for the pain. She even told me he gave me half the usual dose for the bullshit drug he had me shot up with and offered to give me more. I was like "Why bother?". If they wouldn't have made me wait 8 hours in horrible pain in the waiting room I probably would have demanded morphine by name and told her to go yell at the guy and to give me a shot of something that actually works. But by the time I got seen the kidney stone had already spent the last several hours moving and I think it had managed to work close enough to my bladder that I could now tolerate the pain mostly on my own. Since the drug they IVed into me did nothing what-so-ever.
At least I guess I know that if I can suffer that amount of pain I'm probably a pretty tough guy.
But yeah like I said. I'm so ashamed of myself right now. I'm even eating another 1mg of xanax and getting ready to take 20mg more of hydro as I finish typing this. Oh and I plan on smoking cannabis as well something I haven't done in months. But I know it mixes well with xanax+hydro because I lived that shit for over a decade in my 20s. Probably will actually enjoy the high THC content thanks to the benzo+opioid in my system for once.
I guess my will power isn't as strong as I thought. When I quit opiods+benzos I cut every last dealer and "friend" I had out of my life. Lots of people said I was an asshole and disliked that. But it was the only way I could stop (or switch to something like methadone/bupe). Since it's impossible to stop while everyone around you is crushing up Roxis, eating bars and keeps passing you the plate with lines on it trying to draw you back into the fold. I just couldn't be in the same room with it. I couldn't even answer their phone calls and texts because it was always the same bullshit: "Know where anything for the back is? Know where I can get them footballs? Please give me a ride to pick some up I'll give you some for free! I just got my script filled c'mon man let's hang out I wanna smoke some weed and need a ride to <x>" etc etc etc.
I hate kratom. I really do. I wish I could stop it as well. The only reason I can't boils down to two main reasons: 1) The daily w/d of course but more importantly 2) Even if I manage to stay off opioids/kratom for months the chronic pain is so horrible that eventually I come back just so I can work the next day and sleep without constant pain. Oh and 3) My family/people that depend on me are constantly needing help/favors and I just can't vanish for 1-2 weeks just to go through the "flu" knowing damn well in weeks-months from now I'll be tempted to eat some kratom again to deal with my chronic pain issues.
My body is falling apart. It's broken. The right knee is fucked, the left isn't far behind it, my back constantly hurts now, my right shoulder is fucked. The right side of my head where I cracked my skull as a teenager sometimes feels like something is drilling into it. I can't even laugh because the back of my head hurts so fucking badly that I must stop else I'll double over in pain. But I know the kratom intake is killing me slowly. My hair has started turning white something I noticed happening to my friends back in my 20s-30s who were abusing opioids and other drugs much harder than I ever did. My teeth are rotting out as my gum line moves upwards. I'm depressed. Really depressed about the state of the world and some family issues. My kidneys are showing signs of failing I think (lots of foam/cloudy pee despite pounding water all day). I fear for the state of my liver after years of tylenol intake and now a decade of kratom leaf intakes. On and on it goes.
To whomever read this and managed to get this far: Please for the love of God. Never start taking opioids. Take care of your body. Be really careful when working "shit jobs". Don't ever let anyone talk you into moving faster than you think you should be. Don't ever do anything stupid like twisting your knee and tearing shit out because the boss man on the job is trying to get you to work faster on a hill. Be very careful! Those injuries don't heal as fast as you age and all it takes is one mistake to hurt yourself for life and end up in chronic pain like I have.
Oh and NEVER put off having medical issues taken care of early. I probably would have never gotten started on opioids in the first place if I'd had my wisdom teeth taken out when they first appeared. Instead I kept putting it off because "I can't afford it" and before that "I don't want to cost my Dad the money by having him pay for it".
This is long. I keep typing to put off snorting another one of these pills. But I need to piss. So rant ended. Thanks for listening to whomever made it this far.
My past: From 2008 until 2013 I was hooked very badly on oxycodone and/or hydrocodone to control various types of chronic pain. Along with benzo near daily. Which I used to control chronic pain for: Wisdom teeth, torn out knees, later torn out shoulder, pain from a cracked skull among some others issues (like fingers and toes I broke in the past) and things like cracked ribs (I worked on a farm all my life and participated in sports like motocross, moto/ATV enduro and various other forms of auto racing like open wheel modified, late models and several other disciplines. Speed/racing is my original "high" and I suffered many injuries over the years as a result. MANY concussions/head injuries. Mostly back in the day when all the ER/doctors did was go "LOL you had a concussion here have some xanax bars, go home, sleep/sit in dark room and wait until you feel better).
I also used various substances like K, LSD, Mushrooms and many RCs like MXE in an attempt to "fix myself". Both from problems caused by the concussions and my chronic pain and lingering issues from stuff like being depressed massively from the age of about 6. I was also handed stuff like hydrocodone young due to motorcycle/ATV/racing injuries because that was acceptable back then. Both from doctors and my own parents. The doctors were regularly giving me stuff like xanax, oxy/hydro pills (10+mg) and even for mild coughs giving my little brother and I massive bottles of Tussinex (my sweet beloved liquid ER hydrocodone how I miss you!) since I was mildly allergic to codeine (which I can take and have done many CWEs when nothing better was around. But I have to take an anti-histamine with it else my skin turns bright red and I'll scratch myself until I bleed).
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Enough of the past. Let's talk about today:
After over a decade of being able to control my intake of opioids and no longer using oxycodone, hydrocodone, oxymorphone, morphine (my favorite god I want a morphine dream+nod), hydromorphone and probably every other pharma opioid you've ever heard of I finally relapsed today. I am so ashamed of myself right now. I quit methadone cold turkey twice. I quit bupe cold turkey after realizing that it was ruining my teeth, not a good idea to snort it and a horrible idea to combine with kratom (once I figured that out I blew through my stash). I was only stashing bupe to keep in my freezer in case kratom got taken off the market/banned back in the last 2010s-2020s. I was getting a strip/pill of it for free every week. Which I kept in a large pill bottle in my freezer. At one point I had enough to taper down off kratom if need be and use bupe if need be for 12+ months. But one day I got bored and was depressed. I snorted a piece of one of the pills and figured out that it doesn't block kratom's effects at all. I could use them in combo to give kratom a kick and sometimes even nod off of it. It wasn't long after that my stash of bupe was gone (I think I might have one strip left now). Since at heart I am an addict and once I get started I can't control myself.
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Today for real this time:
Today I was out working in the heat. I really hurt. I mean really really hurt my shoulder was killing me and my knees felt like they had pebbles in them despite the fact that I took three doses of kratom over the course of 2-3 hours before I could even get out in the yard and get started doing the mowing and weed eating required to upkeep my families property. A task I do every week usually and sometimes every 2 weeks if it hasn't rained lately.
Well as I'm making my rounds a Great Uncle calls me into his house. He needed my help with something related to tech support. Which I was happy to help with for free because I love my family like that (and I hope everyone else does).
In passing I mentioned my shoulder and knees were really hurting today along with my back from all the weed eating I did in the 100F+ degree weather. My shoulder is so bad now that when I rotate it the sound it makes it so loud others can hear it clearly. You know when you're trying to pull start a stubborn small 2 cycle engine on a chainsaw/weedeater? It sounds like that when I rotate it or lift it. I can feel things moving around inside of that shoulder that shouldn't be (rotator cup I imagine). I pulled it at a shit temp. job about a decade ago one day and when I went to the doctor he told me nothing was wrong with it. Ran a massage ball down my back (very painful) and while he did fix my ability to lift my arm that day it was of little help long term. I can't afford to see him (or any doctor) again. When I have tried and paid cash (no health insurance) it led to me getting labeled "drug seeker" and no one taking me serious. It's all in my head they say. Even though if I sleep on my side or my back (or any way really) I'll sometimes wake up in horrible pain and sometimes if I'm not careful I cause horrible pain. Knees are a similar story. I don't even have an MCL (or LCL) in one of my knees anymore. Haven't had one in it for 15 years now I tore it out at work one day and was too nice to apply for workman's comp., sue them and I wasn't on the company health insurance yet when it happened. I went to a doctor, paid cash, he blew me off and none since have ever taken it serious even though I can clearly feel no MCL/LCL is there any more and it's bone where it's supposed to be.
I keep ranting sorry...
The pain was so bad today I asked my Uncle if he had anything for it laying around. I was expecting Ibuprofen. Instead, he pulls out of a bottle of 10mg/325mg Hyrocodone combo pills. I said okay I'll just take 1 and if you don't care I'll grab one more to store for later. I figure after all these years I could control myself and wouldn't be tempted to eat them both. But I did right then and there.
I sit around for an hour or two trying to help his live-in girlfriend get Peacock and HBO Max working on the TV he bought for her bedroom. Google has locked him out of the account we need to log-in to (gmail) to get the one-time codes to approve that streaming box under her TV. So I spent hours trying to recover the account with no luck since Google's tech support might as well not exist anymore and they refuse to call the landline tied to the account to give me the code I need to recover it.
While all this is going on she casually mentions she has some xanax and some pain pills. By this point I'm a bit angry and I'm still hurting bad from today's labor. I also haven't had my kratom for several hours by this point. I accept 1mg of xanax and another pain pill. I promptly break it in half and now I'm up to 25mg or Hydrocodone.
I give her access to my personal media server instead and download some shows/movies she's been wanting to watch. As a thank you she hands me a goodie bag and tells me not to look inside until I get home.
When I get home after a nice shower I decide to lay on my couch. I go into the bag because she hinted she gave me some chocolate and a piece of homemade pie. What do I find in the bag along with that?
There were 20 10/325mg Hydrocodone pills and 10 1mg xanax tablets in a pill bottle she put inside. Along with some misc. "natural" stuff she's into taking I guess.
I am ashamed to say that I decided fuck this. It has been so long since I've had a nod and a proper opioid buzz (kratom can't compare to classic opioids let's be honest). I haven't slept longer than 4 hours at a time in the last several weeks. They're free? What's the harm? So I start in on eating blues and hydros. My dumb ass even did the stupid dumb ass thing people here did back in my pill abusing days. Snorting these combo opioid/tylenol combo tablets. I busted down 10mg/325 Hydro and hoovered that shit up like old times. Then when the xanax started to kick in I broke another one in half and did it again. Ran some water up my nose just like the old days to flush it out. Then I busted up the other half and snorted that to. Yes I know it's retarded. But that was the culture here back then (trust me: We all much preferred snorting roxis (still stupid) and Oxymorphone (amazing, loved those old non-abuse proof ERs).
Snorting opioids was an addiction in to itself for me back in the day. Like my friend was with the needle (he's shoot up plain water if no opioids/cocaine/MXE was around).
So after over a decade of not snorting anything and staying away from my drugs of choice here I am. With this bottle full of my drugs of choice that I've already been dipping into and I still have tons of them left. I'm sure I will be nodding tonight at some point. Probably my first real nod in years. I'm amazed I'm not already close already. But I guess my tolerance was kept somewhat high by my daily kratom intake over the past decade or so. But of course I haven't taken 4-5mg of the xanax at once yet along with 50+mg of the hydro within about 1-2 hours of each other. Oh and I've been taking in kratom this entire time to. Maybe not as much as usual. But I've already done 3-4 doses since these pills were gifted to me.
I'm so ashamed of myself that I didn't just say no. I should have known better. But how often does someone hand you pills that are selling for 10 times what I used to pay for them on the street during my active addiction and give you a bottle filled with them?
I think I'm going to shoot for a nod tonight then tomorrow. Maybe it's best I just give them back. I'd sell them but I've been out of the game for over a decade now and I know damn well I don't want to go hunting for those people (well the ones that are still alive). Even though I could eat like a king for a month just off half of what I have left.
I just wanted to put this down somewhere. It was so easy to go back. Before I knew it I was cutting up a drinking straw and hoovering up that nasty combo opioid filled with a bunch of shit I don't want going up my nose. But the feeling I got was so.....nostalgic. Like hanging out with an old friend I haven't seen in ages.
The only thing that would have been better is getting some IR morphine tablets/capsules and drawing up like 60mg in 1ml of water and doing that. I really miss morphine dreams/nods so much. I loved nothing more than that. I always got my best ideas in those morphine dreams. It killed my pain like nothing else. It was the only time in life I think I was truly content with the world outside of when I'd go really heavy on oxycodone/hyrodocone and of course oxymorphone (which still ranks number 2 on my person scale after a few proper hits of morphine.
But I'm so sad. I swore to myself I'd never expereince a nod again until I got IV morphine in a hospital setting. I planned on putting that off until just before I died since I'm scared of needles and didn't want to get started doing the needle on my own (I'd already be dead if I did). But if morphone is as good as it is through rectal ROA it must be 100x better through IV. Maybe one day I'll eventually find that out. But considering they wouldn't even give me IV morphine when I had a kidney stone I doubt it'll ever happen.
I don't know which doctor marked that I was a "drug seeker" in my medical records. But if I ever find out I'm going to kick his ass. Since it's cruel and unusual punishment to deny people opioids when they have kidney stones. Every single family member and friend I've taken to the ER for kidney stones got a shot of morphine no questioned asked within 10 minutes of us showing up to the ER. Me? I got sat in a waiting room for over 8 hours. When I finally did get seen by a doctor he treated me like the scum of the Earth. Then he gave me a shot of something non-opioid that didn't even do anything for the pain. Handed me a 5mg Percocet and acted like it was a big deal and I was lucky I was getting that at all. Then he sent me home still in horrible pain with a prescription for Percocet. So I thought nice at least I'm getting something tomorrow morning and won't be in pain then even thought I'm still in horrible pain now. I go to fill it the next morning and guess how many I get? Four in total! Along with getting charged $50+ for a small bottle of Ibuprofen I could have bought for almost nothing OTC. But they wouldn't even give me those without a 15+ minute interview because the pharmacists needed to do a bunch of paper work for "why you need this super powerful cocktail of drugs".
Fuck the American medical community. It isn't my fault they got me hooked on opioids when I was a naive small child. Yet now they act like I'm the scum of the Earth if I come to the hospital in the most horrible pain you can imagine and I get nothing! Meanwhile, all my family get treated like royalty and they get proper pain killers within minutes of presenting to the ER no matter how many people are waiting in the waiting room.
Sorry for the medical community rant. It just makes me so mad that they treat people this way. If I were a doctor I would actually give a fuck about my patients. I certainly wouldn't prescribe what I know are opioids to everyone for nothing for years because I'm getting massive kick backs from the pharma companies only to turn around and blame the addicts I created for the problem I (and the pharma company I supported) caused. I certainly wouldn't deny someone with a kidney stone a proper opioid even if I thought they were a drug addict. Even the nurses at the ER the night I went to talked shit about that doctor while standing in the room with me. About how what he was doing to me was cruel. She apologized that she couldn't give me a proper drug for the pain. She even told me he gave me half the usual dose for the bullshit drug he had me shot up with and offered to give me more. I was like "Why bother?". If they wouldn't have made me wait 8 hours in horrible pain in the waiting room I probably would have demanded morphine by name and told her to go yell at the guy and to give me a shot of something that actually works. But by the time I got seen the kidney stone had already spent the last several hours moving and I think it had managed to work close enough to my bladder that I could now tolerate the pain mostly on my own. Since the drug they IVed into me did nothing what-so-ever.
At least I guess I know that if I can suffer that amount of pain I'm probably a pretty tough guy.
But yeah like I said. I'm so ashamed of myself right now. I'm even eating another 1mg of xanax and getting ready to take 20mg more of hydro as I finish typing this. Oh and I plan on smoking cannabis as well something I haven't done in months. But I know it mixes well with xanax+hydro because I lived that shit for over a decade in my 20s. Probably will actually enjoy the high THC content thanks to the benzo+opioid in my system for once.
I guess my will power isn't as strong as I thought. When I quit opiods+benzos I cut every last dealer and "friend" I had out of my life. Lots of people said I was an asshole and disliked that. But it was the only way I could stop (or switch to something like methadone/bupe). Since it's impossible to stop while everyone around you is crushing up Roxis, eating bars and keeps passing you the plate with lines on it trying to draw you back into the fold. I just couldn't be in the same room with it. I couldn't even answer their phone calls and texts because it was always the same bullshit: "Know where anything for the back is? Know where I can get them footballs? Please give me a ride to pick some up I'll give you some for free! I just got my script filled c'mon man let's hang out I wanna smoke some weed and need a ride to <x>" etc etc etc.
I hate kratom. I really do. I wish I could stop it as well. The only reason I can't boils down to two main reasons: 1) The daily w/d of course but more importantly 2) Even if I manage to stay off opioids/kratom for months the chronic pain is so horrible that eventually I come back just so I can work the next day and sleep without constant pain. Oh and 3) My family/people that depend on me are constantly needing help/favors and I just can't vanish for 1-2 weeks just to go through the "flu" knowing damn well in weeks-months from now I'll be tempted to eat some kratom again to deal with my chronic pain issues.
My body is falling apart. It's broken. The right knee is fucked, the left isn't far behind it, my back constantly hurts now, my right shoulder is fucked. The right side of my head where I cracked my skull as a teenager sometimes feels like something is drilling into it. I can't even laugh because the back of my head hurts so fucking badly that I must stop else I'll double over in pain. But I know the kratom intake is killing me slowly. My hair has started turning white something I noticed happening to my friends back in my 20s-30s who were abusing opioids and other drugs much harder than I ever did. My teeth are rotting out as my gum line moves upwards. I'm depressed. Really depressed about the state of the world and some family issues. My kidneys are showing signs of failing I think (lots of foam/cloudy pee despite pounding water all day). I fear for the state of my liver after years of tylenol intake and now a decade of kratom leaf intakes. On and on it goes.
To whomever read this and managed to get this far: Please for the love of God. Never start taking opioids. Take care of your body. Be really careful when working "shit jobs". Don't ever let anyone talk you into moving faster than you think you should be. Don't ever do anything stupid like twisting your knee and tearing shit out because the boss man on the job is trying to get you to work faster on a hill. Be very careful! Those injuries don't heal as fast as you age and all it takes is one mistake to hurt yourself for life and end up in chronic pain like I have.
Oh and NEVER put off having medical issues taken care of early. I probably would have never gotten started on opioids in the first place if I'd had my wisdom teeth taken out when they first appeared. Instead I kept putting it off because "I can't afford it" and before that "I don't want to cost my Dad the money by having him pay for it".
This is long. I keep typing to put off snorting another one of these pills. But I need to piss. So rant ended. Thanks for listening to whomever made it this far.
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