Addiction Benzos are not recreational drugs (note to MYself)

[Dr. John Thackery]

Dude, thank you so much for putting into words what I could never hope for achieving myself without becoming argumentative.
That said, my pain doc retired, his P.A., whom he referred me to, after reviewing my files and knowing I had been prescribed methadone as well as being cut poked and jabbed for over two decades; he was more than accomodating regarding continuing me on a methadone dosing protocol. Even advised me against trying to reduce it too fast or at all for that matter. Given I have gone from 60mg to 20mgs which he noted.
He did mention having to see me every three months, but I've done that for years , and to schedule an EKG in the next year for monitoring me for prolonged QT.

It is my nurse pracitioner who is pushing me towards suboxone, but he's honestly not my first choice for educated practicers of medicine. Twenty years lurking on Bluelight and I feel much more educated on drug protocols than he is; if merely thru osmosis plus countless hours being injected or surgered upon.

But a cordial relationship with all of them is key; as my nurse practicioner prescribes me benzos...

are these doctors / nurses / PAs all in the US right?

 

[Dr. John Thackery]

Can you stop using the benzos right now? If so you should.

as much as i can. i have visceral health condition that flares in waves and when it bothers me - benzos are the only effective thing. opioids can work too but they lose their efficacy and can have a paradoxical effect actually making it worse in the long run.

plus it is far easier to develope opioid dependency than benzo dependency so benzos are the first line of medication.

over the last year i’ve discovered corticosteroids work. better than benzos and opioids and actually reset me back to regularity after stopping them but im waiting to see a rheumatoid doctor that specializes in inflammation and steroids because my primary is out of his depth prescribing these corticosteroids.

he’s out of his depth prescribing narcotics too but in my city of almost 4 million americans not a single pain clinic prescribes schedule 2 opioids anymore. buprenorohine and that’s it. this is the most allegedly “progressive” part of america too. i see fentanyl and meth addicts smoking on the train and openly in public on top of their 200 mg a day methadone take homes and they are free to do it. the police do nothing. but you know who the police do harass and threaten? my doctor. me doing things the legal way it’s a battle to get relief.

like i have to beg and fight for 10 mg methadone a day being clean of all unprescribed narcotics including weed and alcohol while these drug dumpsters lissing dirty for every drug in existence and having no job or paying taxes get as much methadone as they want no questions asked.

fuck this “free” country

 

[lolis my thesis]

I am in the PNW. I also enjoy travelling but tell myself I don't need to travel too far from home as I like living here. I have a wicked benzo dependency; it is one that will take me one year of a taper to hope to quit without a seizure. At least 6 months anyway. Luckily (or not), I have an abundant supply for taper given I don't exceed my 4mg/day tolerance and keep at a steady slow taper. Yes you could say Im on them constantly. I feel like going back to sleep something fierce a few days a week, but it's that dose which I will be eliminating I know it jacked my tolerance!!

I kinda hit a wall trying to taper my clonazepam rx when I hit 1mg/day, and have ramped up my usage over the past year. Yes I know I am in a pickle; I exercise faithfully and don't smoke weed or drink since having injuries from car accidents and sports. Going back 20 years. I am a weed fiend though so when I commence smoking I can't stop again..be that as it may, and am growing a crop this year. Maybe I can use it as a replacement for sleep? also find myself using benzos not for a high but also just to pass out.

Just need to quit taking them as a ticket to snooze! Easier said than done.

I did not want to get addicted it kinda happened insidiously. I like their effect save for my tendency to forget things.
It's effective for sleep and quelling the anxiety that keeps me from sleeping. When I wake up groggy I just feel I gotta take some to sleep until 9

I don't wish to be forever dependent; I hope to taper at a rate of .5mg/month until I reach my prescribed dose of 1mg/day.
At the least I do have a plan to get off. I know Im a cautionary tale, beware benzo addiction or it will catch you unprepared. So hard to decrease even though I know I really want to.
More addicted to benzos than I am dependent on methadone; which although its potent I don't crave a big dose for a high; it causes me very few side effects save for the danger of mixing the two drugs.

 

[Dr. John Thackery]

save for the danger of mixing the two drugs.

imo this is grossly overblown.

i’m prescribed both also. maybe fentanyl and benzos but i’ve never come remotely close to ODing even abusing both methadone and benzos together at doses that make me pass out.

i would t even call it abuse. its just medicating pain that is so bad you need to be knocked out

 

[lolis my thesis]

I am really not too concerned mixing my
medicines at the levels I take them. In general have given me quality of life. I do feel 1000 good days beats 10,000 shitty ones. and methadone and bluelight awareness meant i do have narcan in the house. My drug dependence tangentially, It saved a life; that of my son as he had a near fatal fent overdose from his ingestion of tainted cocaine or maybe he tried some fetty from his plug, Ill never know for sure but I do know he isnt opioid dependent and for that I am very glad. I still have the coke from that night three years ago but have not tested it, i have never tried the blues; but I sure did enjoy overdoing my norco when I had a rx for that.....
Bluelight saved a life, his overdose and my ability to perform extended CPR on him and give him, my narcan likely saved him so funny how that worked out. 3 years later, and although he is an alcoholic, he is not opioid dependent and treads lightly when it comes to cocaine and avoiding fetty. My narcan was not evough that night but somehow CPR sustained him until the paramedics gave him 4 mgs more which revived him and brought him back, somehow from the dead. So I am glad I carry narcan in the house even if it;s not even for me its there if I need it. 12 mgs, which is what it takes to revive a fetty overdose accordg to the paramedics who revived him.

I have been mixing these meds for over 20 years. I just fear the withdrawal syndrome of the benzo dependence. Yes I have had multiple spinal surgeries but finally feel fairly well recovered from my various surgical interventions. I feel ready, finally, to have surgical hardware removed from my ankle, what with screwheads backing out; but felt dismissed by one specific surgeon who basically mocked my pain from ankle reconstruction done when I suffered a trimalleor break of my ankle in 2006. Also had AC/DF surgery on c-5/c6 which caused my referral to a very empathetic pain doctor who basically helped me with medication always referred to as a less invasive intervention than another surgery.
But I was still in pain, after a t-bone car accident that aggravated my whiplash symptoms, out of desperation I had an artificial disc added to my spine adjacent to my old pain spot, so it was C6/
C7 artificial disc added to my surgical resume.

But eventual recovery from these ailments makes me want to address my medication regimen; not for fear of mixing drugs but from the dependence to benzos specifically. I also have a non union fracture of my lunate bone which causes me to wear a brace 24/7 rather than taking the surgical remedy which consists of removing all of my scaphoid bones, something I am reluctant to do as I am kind of attached to my bones so to speak, and a weird partial tear or possibly from a pinched nerve in my neck I have an ongoing disfunction of me brachioradialus muscle which causes it to be unresponsive to trying like a muscle man but will not activate unless upon direct resistance. The other arm, by comparison, works just fine. I know this probably makes little sense but I felt a pop in my elbow which led to chronic elbow ache which makes me not want another cast added to my arm pressing upon said elbow to address my wrist problem, non fusion lunate bone fracture from 3 years ago. my left wrist will not bend backwards, but my grip is fine, which is what my surgical consult told me would be the biggest result from surgery, improved grip strength...so many decisions and nobody to really talk it thru with...... but alas, happy to be alive!

However thru my litany of pain I have been swimming again, with my wrist spint, but that has resulted in an improvement in my bracio-radialis muscle which makes me less hesitant to adding a cast to my wrist for 8 weeks that terminates at the elbow as my aching elbow has almost resolved by swimming up to a mile about three to four days a week. Ive even bought a new wetsuit for surfing as it is an activity of mine that I miss sorely. Possible that too much surfing contribiuted to my neck and arm issues; skateboarding definitely works to feed that jones but I broke a few bones learning that activity, the one in my wrist *basically waiting for it to autofuse^ its given me more strength and confindence keeping at it and only crashing badly only once a year or so.
The medication protocol, however, is effective treating my more pressing othopedic concerns; I really just feel like I overdue the, benzos by taking more than I should as 4mgs/day of clonazepam feels excessive even though I definitely feel comfortable taking a more moderate dose of said medication; after taking over my supply problems by sourcing extra supply from other sources...

mostly venting here as nobody wants to help me with my litany of pain and disfunction that has hindered me for 20 plus years and countless medical interventions.
Luckily I qualify for state insurance so my medical costs are minimal. One thing I miss is hydrocortisone therapy that I paid for from a naturopath given suspected adrenal insufficency. From results from a DUTCH test that measures cortisol. But specialists from regular medicine dont buy into these test results. SO Been making due without the steroid therapy, as it comes out of pocket and other doctors don't buy into these other modalities or dx's. according to naturopath and her testing I suffer from low cortisone. and EDS. and ME, whatever that is...

But her treatment comes out of pocket and "regular" doctors don't really agree with her diagnoses of my conditions. Maybe Im just a hypochondriac. I did procure an appointment from a kidney/POTS specialist but this endrocrinologist cancelled my appointment as he isn't taking new pots patients. Oh well its great to be alive and as much as I can I take my health with my own hands and discretion.
i definitely over medicate with benzos, at least I feel pretty confident that I need to take less of them! Thanks for reading, those that did I appreciate input from whomever wants to give it!
My father is 93 so at 57 I get to hopefully suffer from my maladies for many years to come! Long live the king, at least living feels pretty good. I feel that methadone, specifically, has been instrumental in keeping my diseases in check and growing more slowly thanks to this medicine. Fuck the stigma! And benzos beware, I know I overdo them...

 

[Dr. John Thackery]

I am really not too concerned mixing my
medicines at the levels I take them. In general have given me quality of life. I do feel 1000 good days beats 10,000 shitty ones. and methadone and bluelight awareness meant i do have narcan in the house. My drug dependence tangentially, It saved a life; that of my son as he had a near fatal fent overdose from his ingestion of tainted cocaine or maybe he tried some fetty from his plug, Ill never know for sure but I do know he isnt opioid dependent and for that I am very glad. I still have the coke from that night three years ago but have not tested it, i have never tried the blues; but I sure did enjoy overdoing my norco when I had a rx for that.....
Bluelight saved a life, his overdose and my ability to perform extended CPR on him and give him, my narcan likely saved him so funny how that worked out. 3 years later, and although he is an alcoholic, he is not opioid dependent and treads lightly when it comes to cocaine and avoiding fetty. My narcan was not evough that night but somehow CPR sustained him until the paramedics gave him 4 mgs more which revived him and brought him back, somehow from the dead. So I am glad I carry narcan in the house even if it;s not even for me its there if I need it. 12 mgs, which is what it takes to revive a fetty overdose accordg to the paramedics who revived him.

I have been mixing these meds for over 20 years. I just fear the withdrawal syndrome of the benzo dependence. Yes I have had multiple spinal surgeries but finally feel fairly well recovered from my various surgical interventions. I feel ready, finally, to have surgical hardware removed from my ankle, what with screwheads backing out; but felt dismissed by one specific surgeon who basically mocked my pain from ankle reconstruction done when I suffered a trimalleor break of my ankle in 2006. Also had AC/DF surgery on c-5/c6 which caused my referral to a very empathetic pain doctor who basically helped me with medication always referred to as a less invasive intervention than another surgery.
But I was still in pain, after a t-bone car accident that aggravated my whiplash symptoms, out of desperation I had an artificial disc added to my spine adjacent to my old pain spot, so it was C6/
C7 artificial disc added to my surgical resume.

But eventual recovery from these ailments makes me want to address my medication regimen; not for fear of mixing drugs but from the dependence to benzos specifically. I also have a non union fracture of my lunate bone which causes me to wear a brace 24/7 rather than taking the surgical remedy which consists of removing all of my scaphoid bones, something I am reluctant to do as I am kind of attached to my bones so to speak, and a weird partial tear or possibly from a pinched nerve in my neck I have an ongoing disfunction of me brachioradialus muscle which causes it to be unresponsive to trying like a muscle man but will not activate unless upon direct resistance. The other arm, by comparison, works just fine. I know this probably makes little sense but I felt a pop in my elbow which led to chronic elbow ache which makes me not want another cast added to my arm pressing upon said elbow to address my wrist problem, non fusion lunate bone fracture from 3 years ago. my left wrist will not bend backwards, but my grip is fine, which is what my surgical consult told me would be the biggest result from surgery, improved grip strength...so many decisions and nobody to really talk it thru with...... but alas, happy to be alive!

However thru my litany of pain I have been swimming again, with my wrist spint, but that has resulted in an improvement in my bracio-radialis muscle which makes me less hesitant to adding a cast to my wrist for 8 weeks that terminates at the elbow as my aching elbow has almost resolved by swimming up to a mile about three to four days a week. Ive even bought a new wetsuit for surfing as it is an activity of mine that I miss sorely. Possible that too much surfing contribiuted to my neck and arm issues; skateboarding definitely works to feed that jones but I broke a few bones learning that activity, the one in my wrist *basically waiting for it to autofuse^ its given me more strength and confindence keeping at it and only crashing badly only once a year or so.
The medication protocol, however, is effective treating my more pressing othopedic concerns; I really just feel like I overdue the, benzos by taking more than I should as 4mgs/day of clonazepam feels excessive even though I definitely feel comfortable taking a more moderate dose of said medication; after taking over my supply problems by sourcing extra supply from other sources...

mostly venting here as nobody wants to help me with my litany of pain and disfunction that has hindered me for 20 plus years and countless medical interventions.
Luckily I qualify for state insurance so my medical costs are minimal. One thing I miss is hydrocortisone therapy that I paid for from a naturopath given suspected adrenal insufficency. From results from a DUTCH test that measures cortisol. But specialists from regular medicine dont buy into these test results. SO Been making due without the steroid therapy, as it comes out of pocket and other doctors don't buy into these other modalities or dx's. according to naturopath and her testing I suffer from low cortisone. and EDS. and ME, whatever that is...

But her treatment comes out of pocket and "regular" doctors don't really agree with her diagnoses of my conditions. Maybe Im just a hypochondriac. I did procure an appointment from a kidney/POTS specialist but this endrocrinologist cancelled my appointment as he isn't taking new pots patients. Oh well its great to be alive and as much as I can I take my health with my own hands and discretion.
i definitely over medicate with benzos, at least I feel pretty confident that I need to take less of them! Thanks for reading, those that did I appreciate input from whomever wants to give it!
My father is 93 so at 57 I get to hopefully suffer from my maladies for many years to come! Long live the king, at least living feels pretty good. I feel that methadone, specifically, has been instrumental in keeping my diseases in check and growing more slowly thanks to this medicine. Fuck the stigma! And benzos beware, I know I overdo them...

what are all these injuries and chronic pain from? skateboarding? (i see you skating in your profile pic)

skating is no joke man, a lot of ex skaters become medicated or addicts due to chronic pain from the injuries.

skateboarding was what herniated a disc in my back on my
mid twenties and i lost about a decade of my life to that struggle but finally had a surgery and my back recovered,

but my current chronic pain condition for the last 7 years or so is visceral in nature not musculoskeletal

 

[lolis my thesis]

Actually it was a surfing accident that crushed my ribcage and gave me whiplash plus probably osteoarthritis from the chronic nature of my obsession chasing waves and selling vegetables (overhead lifting of heavy stuff onto trucks)for a living, I only started skating at 50 years young when I popped a muscle in my arm and the chronic injuries from surfing made me stop. Broke my ankle rollerblading with my kids as kind of a one off. Also got in a tbone car accident in 2017 which led me to a second, no make that a third spinal surgery... And shoulder surgery from rotator cuff stuff. Yes I have broken my wrists skating, and one has not healed correctly after three years. My surfing buddy would joke that surfing beat me down to my knees as I spent 20 years of my surfing kneeboarding because I needed swim fins to catch waves as my upper body was kind of ruined..

But you are not wrong, lots of skaters turn to (more) drugs when they can't skate any longer. Surfers too. young man's game. I am adamant about not getting any more concrete tattoos from skating so I skate for exercise. since my arm is healing I got myself a new wetsuit and plan on going surfing again. I sure made a lot more friends skating than surfing, something about competing for a small area to drop in leads to lots of territorialism. Not totally against it, Seaside Point in Oregon has one of the best left points on the west coast, well guarded by a mean crew who wont hesitate to kick your ass, dunk you, etc. a pretty aggresive, meth addicted, in and out of jail set of locals who aren't scared to smack a camera out of your hands or generally make sure you have a bad time visiting. Gerry Lopez famously got a severed elk head placed on the hood of his car when he tried to give it a visit. That guy exposed every spot on the planet, so tough locals make for uncrowded waves.

So territorial locals make sure a wave remains uncrowded. There are a couple places in Los Angeles area that until recently were very heavily guarded by the locals who had a penchant for chucking large rocks at you from above, Lunada Bay, until a court case went against them. I was a surf rat from 1986, so there were the huntington beach riots, locals overturng cars and torching them at Ventura spots, so I was guilty of being a territorial dude myself at times. Wondering why the old guys were never friendly; they had bad backs and were grumpy that the young bucks would turn up and challenge them for waves. Not to mention the real locals, the dolphins, sea lions, seals who could put a threat on you as well. Not so much dolphins as they wouldn't run into you but they sure came close. Sea lions tend to be like an unchained pitbull and will escort you back to the beach, tiptoeing around cattle ranchers trespassing, and a culture steeped in drug smuggling made for some fun times in my misspent youth.