HeadphonesandLSD
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2011
- Messages
- 2,252
For a long time now I've had a death wish. For as long as I can remember actually. I'm not sure what started it but the older I get the harder it's becoming to ignore. I fantasize about digging a hole at our pond in a nice sunny spot, getting small potted oak tree and leaving instructions for my family to place my body in a sack and toss me into the 6+ foot hold I've dug and planting the tree over my body. I do not want a casket. I don't want a wake or a funeral. Since I doubt anyone would come.
Covid ruined my already terrible life. I was raised to be honest, have morals, never do anything wrong to anyone and not to complain about pain/my problems. I was taught from a young age to hide pain. Which ironically, is how I ended up a junkie. I wake up feeling awful everyday. Eyes watering, nose running, have to run to the toilet for the morning bowl movement like clock work. I choke down some kratom and it's always at least an hour and a half before I'm "normal" again and can actually do stuff. So if someone comes knocking before I wake I'm fucked. Not that I can sleep. Since I cracked my skull open at age 17 I have been unable to sleep a normal schedule at all. I simply can't turn my brain off. I will lay there for hours just thinking. Usually about things I imagine. A life I'd like to have in a far away place with kinder people. I typically go 2-3 days without sleep at all. Then when my body finally gives out it's usually at an odd hours like 3pm. Which causes me to sleep until 9-11pm. At which point I wake up in withdrawal again. Choke down the kratom, have the bowl movement, all with eyes watering and nose running. It's a horrible cycle.
For 7 years I've put in applications everywhere. Even wal-mart won't call back. The one call back I did get from a local business called me the one weekend I decided to drive out of town. Since I have a house phone I missed the call. They hired someone else instead then the store changed owners and everyone got fired a few months later anyway.
No matter how much I save and plan something always comes a long at the last minute to ruin everything. It has happened so much now I don't even bother.
For the longest time I wrestled with the idea of ordering some pentobarbital from Mexico to put away just in case I ever worked up the courage to take my own life. Seemed like the most peaceful way to do it. Of course, the Government(s) shut that down really fast and I missed my window to order it. But if I were a dog or a cat they'd give it to me no problem as long as I was in chronic pain or old. It's fucked up animals get treated better that humans do. Not that I hate animals it's just.....I can't believe how they're allowed access to certain drugs and we're not. Cats and Dogs have the right idea about life. They just chill and want to hang out. They're total bros.
I hate everything about the modern world. I really really do. I can't stand people posing for selfies and all the other dumb shit they do now that they all have smart phones. I no longer carry a phone despite being an early adopter and it's really amazing now to go out in public and witness just how addicted everyone is to the mini TV in their pocket. Worse yet I know how it works. It's always recording everything they say and whatever the camera is pointed at to send it back to a massive data center to be looked through automatically with AI software. If the AI flags something they watch that person a little closer. I can't believe people are so willing to snitch on themselves.
Last night at the gas station a car that pulled up behind me had a couple posing for a selfie. I politely informed the man that the store was about to close and if he wanted gas he needed to hurry up. He got a shitty attitude with me probably trying to impress his girlfriend. I let it slide and walked off. Like I always do. I was carrying a pistol what was I supposed to do? Shoot him? That's madness. But if he tried to assault me (and I thought he might) I would have been left with no other choice. The guy has no idea how close he came to dying just over showing his ass. One of these days he's going to run up on the wrong one.
I hate the big TVs everyone has in their home and the ones now located everywhere you go. I can't even pump gas without a screen with a commercial on it playing. I know how to turn off the sound but it's still annoying. Some asshole is raking in millions off that idea. Meanwhile, I'm over here barely able to afford some frozen chicken patties and a bag of chips.
I hate that evil liars and schemers rise to the top and are in the 1% when it comes to who has stacked the most paper. I hate the paper to (money). I really really hate it. It's stupid. It's worthless. It's putting us all in massive debt and one of these days that debt will be called in. My friend's mother told me stories about Germany in the late 1920s-early 1930s. She said you could not get a loaf of bread for a wheel barrel full of paper notes. I know that's coming to America at some point.
I feel so fucking bad that I helped build real life Skynet. It's everywhere now. Flock cameras on all the streets. I was forced to go into Wal-Mart last night for food because my usual grocery store is remodeling. God I hate Wal-Mart so much. I feel like human garbage because I spent money there for food last night. There were cameras everywhere. I had to ring up my own groceries. There are no fewer than 10 cameras at the register all scanning my face for subtle cues while more cameras measured my gait to build up a profile on me without my consent. I look around and all the other people in the store seem oblivious to it all. Some of them even think it's a good thing. I can't stand it.
I hate that the most annoying horrible people manage to gain views on websites like youtube and twitch and become multi-millionaires for doing nothing but dumb shit like annoying decent people in the street or doing shit like "reacting" to movie clips and video games. I really loath this society. The rampant consumerism and the constant quest for the almighty dollar. It's just paper. I don't fucking get it. People even kill for paper. It's madness.
This place much be hell. I must have been put here to be punished. Nothing ever goes my way. As the oldest sibling I'm a total failure at "life" but to win at "life" would require me to do things that are wrong and evil. I'd have to lie. I'd have to step on someone else to get ahead. I'd have work for large companies that treat their staff like cattle and then I'd be contributing to the problem.
I really really want to die. But I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger myself and I know it would make my Grandmother sad and depressed. It would probably kill her from a broken heart. So I cling to life and put on a brave face. Just for her. My parents I don't worry about as much. My little brother can take care of Dad and change his diapers and my little sister is now a full fledged doctor that can look after Mom. There is no reason for me to continue to linger around and be a burden on my family.
I live on $60 a week. That's my entire budget and it goes to the following: $10 tobacco+tubes, $30 kratom habit, $10 for gasoline for the car I only drive once a week and the rest on food. You read that right. I've figured out how to survive on $10 of food a week. On good weeks I might be able to spend $20-$30. But those are pretty rare. I ration the little food I do buy to meal a day. If I smoke some weed rarely I might have a second in the afternoon. Or I'll go to my Grandmother's and eat but I feel like a freeloader. I can't get a call back for a job. I've applied for everything. I'm overqualified, under qualified and I've heard everything in between. One straight up told me he doesn't hire men because young women with big boobs bring in more customers (head/smoke shop). Every remote job I apply to has 1k people applying within 5 minutes and I know my resume goes straight in the garbage. I'm not diverse enough I guess.
Society has made it very clear they have no use for an honest hard working man like me. I'm watching my people slowly die off. I doubt you'll see any of us walking around in 100 years. It isn't just me I'm seeing the same things with my friends. If they did manage to get married they're all divorced now and barely see their children.
But at least they got to see their children. I got the wonderful news twice in my life that I was going to be a father. Both times the child was aborted behind my back without my permission. The second time I had uprooted my entire like for the child I was expecting. I moved several states away to find good lucrative work. Within a month I had a good job secured and a place for us to live. It wasn't a huge place but it was big enough for a starter home. Then I get the call from back home that the girl had decided against getting married and aborted my child. It broke my heart.
Now I'm too old and I've come to terms with the fact that I will never have children. I spend by days taking care of aging parents, uncles, my Dad and my grandparent that's still alive through the grace of God. None of them understand how hard it is for a man my age today. They think I'm just lazy. I've given up to the point that sometimes I don't even bother leaving my home. I wake up, eat kratom, lay back down and escape into a word of imagination. I have an entire narrative going in my imagination of a better place. I hope maybe I'll get to go there when I die and experience a happy life in a society that gives a fuck about me. Right now I'm trying to finish a novel based on these worlds in my mind that I've created.
I love my family but sometimes it's like they go out of their way to make my already hard life harder. It's embarrassing having to ask for money so I can eat. Sometimes my Dad gives me a $20 bill then a lecture about how I need to get a job. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I've been looking for 7 years now with NO CALL BACKS. He thinks I can still go shake someone's hand and get hired on the spot. My Grandmother who grew up during the great depression doesn't understand either. Her and my Uncle are on so much xanax that they can't remember yesterday half of the time.
They all say I'm the smartest person they know but they never listen to anything I have to say. It's like they go out of their way to berate me and do the opposite of what I ask of them or advise them to do. In late 2019/early 2020 I found out my Grandfather left me a large sum of money. I never saw a cent of it. My Uncle got control over the account and robbed me of everything. I'd be okay right now if I got to touch that money. I was going to invest in a few companies all of which have had their stock go from like $3 to $100-$500 a share in the past 7 years. I'd be a multi-millionaire right now if not for him.
I had one box full of things like the first computer I'd ever built. The computer I built with my Grandmother when I first learned how to build computers back in the 90s. The box had multiple HDDs in it filled with bitcoins I mined when they were worth nothing. I stored it in my Grandmother's house because I knew it'd be safe there. He takes this box and hauls it off to the dump without asking me first. Said "It was in the way and we needed to clean up the junk". But the only "junk" he hauled off was my one little box. All his junk (and everyone else's) is filling up every barn we have on the property. The basement is filled with his junk to the point where you can't walk through it. I feel like he did it just to spite me. He's constantly doing stuff like that just to piss me off. I don't know what his problem is. I try to complain about it to his mother (my Grandmother) but he's got her fooled to the point where she's already signed everything my Grandfather owned over to him. I fear we'll lose everything because of him. Grandma told me last week that he ran up a $5k bill one month and a $3k bill the next on a credit card she gave him. That's supposed to be for buying groceries, gasoline and things like that. I think he spent it all on cam whores.
I was supposed to take over the farm when I came back. It's why I came back here from the big city. The Great Uncle that controls it all now and tricked my Grandfather into signing it all over to him while he was on his death bed won't let me touch or do anything. The farm sits unused. He claims no one will help him maintain it but he won't let me touch any of the equipment (which was my Grandfather's) or do anything with it like buy more cattle (we're down to 5 total now when we used to keep 200+) or plant cash crops on it. Says I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 99% sure he's going to sell it all off before he dies just to spite us or leave it to his "brothers" in his little social club (he's a Shriner).
I'm fucking stuck. There is no way out. Every time I take a step forward something comes along to knock me 4 steps back. Whenever I complain about it I'm just told I'm lazy. Every though I work myself to the brink of death almost every day doing hard labor that none of the older men can/won't do anymore. My Dad is totally check out. He just goes camping every other week in his RV since he retired. Told me he doesn't give a shit about what happens after he dies. Which I take as meaning he doesn't give a shit about me. My Grandmother and Uncle pretty much say the same thing. As long as the dividends from their stock options and the social security keeps rolling in they don't care about anything else. They're so deep in the mass psychosis they actually believe social security will be there when I turn 60.
And what if I get the farm after my Great Uncle dies? What am I supposed to do? Start my life at age 55+?
My body is falling apart. It's more painful with each passing day. My right knee is tore out and I'm missing a ligament on one side of it (LCL). My right shoulder rotator cup is torn out and sounds like a weed eater engine attempting to turn over when I raise and lower my arm. It hurts all of the time to the point where I can't sleep most of the time. The right back side of my head hurts constantly from where I cracked my skull years ago. I have to eat aspirin like candy to dull the pain. But I'm just lazy because all of this is hidden on the inside....
All my friends are dead save two. I envy them. At least they all died before the world went crazy in 2020 and they didn't have to see what's happening today. At least they died fast and didn't suffer to much. I wish that would happen to me. The two friends I have that are still alive I don't see. Since I'd feel too much like a mooch if I visited their house (they have food stamps so they have food). I'm going on two years without seeing either of them even though they live 10 minutes away by car. I stopped going because they had food at their house and it was too tempting to eat some of it. I felt like a total mooch. I can't go out and treat them to a pizza and beers and things like that. My best friend has cerebral palsy and can't do things like go hiking with me. All he wants to do is sit in his room and play video games or watch youtube. I can't stand it. Watching the screen. Just like I can't stand the fact that my Dad is hooked on the crap he sees on facebook and my Grandmother/Uncle (they live together) are hooked on watching what I've come to call Liar Porn (CNN, FOX and the Nightly News). They think I'm crazy because I don't buy half the stories they see on there. My Uncle pokes fun at me over that even though I can prove the mass majority of the "news" is bullshit.
My other friend is no different. He sits on his bed all day playing YuGiOh on his Xbox. Screaming at his teenager children when he wants a drink or a snack. He never wanted to go out and do anything and even if he did there is no way I could pay my own way. Every time I was getting close to a girl he'd slide in her DMs and would have sex with her. Soon as I was dating a girl he was always scheming on a way to bed her. He's been doing it since we were teenagers. He gets pissed over mundane stupid things. Constantly bumming rides because he refuses to learn how to drive a car. Which is frankly probably a good thing because he can't even drive a lawn tractor. He used to not be like this. He used to read interesting books and we would debate politics and do stuff like play chess together. Now he's just a lazy asshole and I had to cut him out of my life because of that. He got super pissed in my car one day about how I "almost killed him" because he kept leaning in front of me at intersections and I couldn't see on-coming traffic and eased out into the road. He wanted to fight me over that dumb thing and I declined because I was armed. I haven't seen him since.
I chain smoke now because rolling your own tobacco is so cheap. I bet I smoke 40 cigarettes a day now. Or whatever 300 a week comes to. I've turned into my mother in that respect. I always hated that she smoked when I was growing up and here I am doing the same thing. But the cigarettes keep me calm and level.
I used to have a huge anger problem growing up because my childhood was miserable. As the oldest sibling I had all the responsibility of looking after my younger brother thrown on me when she divorced my Dad. Then later on when she got remarried and had my half sister (who I adore and would do anything for, my brother to) I had to take care of her. Changing the diapers, making the bottles, putting her to bed and all the things she was supposed to do. My Dad and Step Dad were always out of town working. Since there are no decent jobs here since all the industry moved away. So when I got my driver's license I was always having to go pick up my alcoholic mother from a bar or some strange man's house. It's why I swore I'd never become a boozer. Even though I can handle my booze better than most. I grew up spending my weeks taking care of my little brother alone in our house trailer. Then my weekends taking care of my baby sister while my Mom was always off at a bar somewhere or drunk as a skunk at home. The first memory I have of my mother is her being plastered with a red face laughing at the little bar in our trailer before my parents split.
Growing up I never got to do anything I wanted. I wanted to ride motocross and Dad wanted to start me at three years old. Mom wouldn't allow it and then when she divorced him when I was 6 he wouldn't allow it for fear of pissing her off and "you're too old to start now you'd never catch up". All I wanted to be growing up was a race car driver. I loved NASCAR, Indy car and F1. It was my dream to be the first person to win the Indy 500 and the World 600 on the same day. I wanted to race go-karts. Dad said he didn't have the time to teach me how to work on engines and that it would be a waste of money. But he had no problem hauling my brother and his friends all over the country to play basketball. So I had to learn how to work on engines myself.
My Dad always favored my little brother like that. It'd take all day to go over everything that went on. If my brother did something wrong I got the whoopin' because I was supposed to be watching him. If I did something wrong I got the whoopin'. My little brother figured out early he could make stuff up and Dad would always believe him. So I got beaten all of the time for shit I didn't do. Probably at least 3-4 times a week.
School was no better. I'd try to be nice to everyone and they took it as a weakness. It was like going to gladiator school everyday. Constantly fighting from the 6th grade forward. Almost everyday. I spent more days sitting in what they called in school suspension than in class or 3-5 days at home every week for actual suspension. I never started a fight but I always got the punishment because the children that started the trouble had rich parents on the booster club or that were otherwise important people in town. It was relentless. Authority figures never believed a word I had to say. I was always labeled a liar. They even threatened to arrest me because I talked about fireworks at the lunch table and they took it as a bomb threat. Got sent home for 10 days because of that. They told me I was lucky they didn't escort me out in handcuffs.
Grade school was no better. After Mom left my grades tanked because no one was watching me and I never did my homework. Dad actually encouraged the no homework thing "That's our time you get him for 8 hours a day" he told them.
I remember one day in 4th grade I decided that I was going to put forth the effort and actually do my school work again. I spent 15 minutes on a math worksheet the entire class was doing. We had to go to the front of the room to check our answers in the teacher's book. When I went to the front of the class in front of everyone the teacher cracked a joke about how I was actually working and every student in the class laughed at me. I balled up my worksheet and right then and there decided why try? That teacher was awful. She did stuff like that to me the entire year. I don't know why she decided to bully me and join in with the bullies I was already dealing with daily.
I remember one time one of the children that constantly picked fights with me was supposed to be helping this mentally disabled girl they put in our class because they had no other place for her. She was really sweet and always happy. The two of them were working on the computer. Some program to teach her how to spell simple words. The bully was purposely giving her wrong answers. This went on for over an hour. To the point where he made her cry. I raised my hand and tried to draw the teacher's attention to what was happening because it was wrong. She accused me of lying and told me she was going to punish me if I made up stories like that again. I think the bully kid just wanted to play on the computer. He always hogged the computers. The next year we were supposed to take turns playing some Magic School Bus game on the computer in the 5th grade class. He played it everyday. No one else ever got a turn. The teacher would let him get away with it.
In 6th grade this same child would purposely trip me by sticking his foot out when I walked down the hall before our first class (everyone sat on the floor in the hallway). He did it everyday for 4 days in a row. On the 4th day my anger I'd been bottling up came out and I kicked him as hard as I could in his ribs. For that I got sent home for 3 days. I tried to explain why I did it to the staff and they treated me like I was lying. He never got in trouble for anything.
One time a group of 8 kids (him included) did something I can't remember that was going to get them all in a lot of trouble. They made up a story together and somehow pinned it on me even though I had no idea what any of them were talking about. I can't remember what it was now but I was punished with 3 days suspension because "8 people said you did it, why would 8 people lie?". I can't remember what it was now. I don't even think they explained what it was now that I think about it. I just randomly got called to the office from class and next thing I knew the principle was yelling at me and trying to make me admit to it over and over again.
What scares me now is that bully kid is a nurse at our local hospital. I wonder how many people he's murdered. He's a psychopath. He should not be anywhere near patients in a hospital setting.
I remember in the 2nd or 3rd grade I got called to the principle's office. The day before I'd just gotten a buzz cut and I thought it looked rad since I had one of those stupid bowl cuts before. Next thing I know I'm in a room with the principle and some girl a little older than me that I've never seen before. She claimed that I sexually harassed her at our bus stop. I told the principle this is impossible. I don't know this person! I've never seen her before a day in my life! It would have been easy enough to pull up some paper work and see we didn't even ride the same bus. I pointed this out. The principle wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I got so upset that I started to cry. Why are you making up stories like this? She laughed.
Turns out there was another child with my same first name and guess what: He sported a buzz cut and had it all year. Instead of punishing him when they finally figured out it wasn't me days later they acted like it never happened. No would even bothered to apologize to me.
I'm sorry to dump all this bullshit. I could tell you many more stories like this from my youth. No matter what I did or how nice I was to people life would find a way to make me miserable and no one _ever_ believed me.
As I got older the bad luck continued to follow me around. I don't understand why people treat me like shit for no reason.
All I ever wanted was a real connection to another person that I could trust. I found that in my best friend but because he's disabled we're limited in the activities we can do together. I tried finding it in a female. I desired nothing more than to be good a husband and make my wife the queen of our home. I wanted to marry a woman like my Grandmother. Who is the sweetest, most loving, most truthful and all around good person I've ever known. At least I always got to come home to my Grandmother and experience what it's like to be around someone that truly loves me and would do anything for me if I asked. But I never ask because I don't want her spending money on me or worrying about me.
Almost a decade now we lost my Grandfather. He was the glue that held the family together. I miss him so much. I cry every time I hear this song;
He was just like the man described in the song. He had a wild youth and slowed down by the time I came around. He could grow grass on a rock. He knew how to do anything. He could barely sign his name but he knew how to do almost anything. I could always come to him for advice. One of my biggest regrets is the fact that not long before he died he was watching a fire out by the barn and wanted me to sit and hang out with him. But I was too busy trying to score dope that day and declined the offer. I have this on video because I just happened to be recording video on my new smartphone at the time. I sometimes watch that video file just because it's one of the few vidoes of him that exist.
When he died the family fell apart. We lost the man that kept everyone inline and took care of so many little things around here that are now neglected. I tried to fill his shoes. I even moved into his old room and slept on his bed (which was as hard as plywood). But my Uncle ran me off because he was worried Grandma would like having a "real man" in the house. I don't know what his exact problem was. But it wasn't long after I moved in that I was given the option to move to an apartment or build a house somewhere on the family land. I chose the latter and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
My Uncle is so passive aggressive to me that I sometimes opt not to spend time with my Grandmother just because I can't deal with him. He's got an apartment in their basement. He's lived with them all his life. If he hears my foot steps he always rushes up stairs to be nosy and part of the visit. I can't get 5 minutes alone with my Grandmother no matter what time of day it is. Even if he leaves he will come straight back if he sees me on the Ring camera. He's so annoying with his bullshit. All he talked about is his health problems. His sugar is high and then it's too low and he claims to have these fainting spells. He claimed that the vapor from my little salt nic vape bothered him worse than tobacco smoke. So one day I was sitting behind him pretending to hit it. When he heard me puffing on the vape (which I wasn't pressing the button on) he started coughing and complaining. He lies all of the time. I catch him in lies constantly. He's two faced. But everyone thinks he's a great man because he's a preacher/minister/whatever you want to call it. But I know for a fact he only went to that bible college to dodge the Vietnam draft. I can't say I blame him but it's decades later now and he's still putting on that act.
My Grandmother can barely walk now but he drags her to two churches every Sunday just so he can sing at one church then they show up late to service at our church. He's an attention whore. He always has to be the center of attention. It's like a spoiled toddler in the body of an overweight post-middle aged man. I can't stand listening to him drone on about his diabetes. He stuffs his face full of donuts, candy bars, pies and various other things he's not supposed to be eating. Then he turns around and makes a big show about his blood sugar level and has to take those damn insulin shots right in front of everybody. He treats me like shit and tells me shit like "You're on the clock" when I'm doing yard work to make my Grandmother's yard look nice. After stealing my $100k+ 6 years ago he's now treating me like that and saying shit like "You can work for me" even though I know for a fact he's got no money of his own and he's just pulling cash out of my Grandmother's savings account. Since he somehow weaseled his way into having power of attorney over her and now the house, land and everything else is technically in his name now. The worst part is he's got the reverse midas touch. He ruins everything he touches. He does at least $10k+ in damages to random shit around our houses every summer.
I'm sorry I got side tracked ranting about family. My Dad is pretty bad too but at least his anger and yelling comes form a place of love. My brother and I are also cool. He actually apologized for all the bad shit he did when we were children many years ago. I felt bad though because he caught me snorting roxis when he said it. Dad just has his moods. When I got to the age of about 22 years old I figured out Dad and I are just so similar that we butt heads like that. We've mutually figured out how to avoid that. Dad is alright most of the time.
Anyway, back to why I posted this at all:
I really really dislike this place we're all living in together. Earth or Hell whatever you want to call it. But most of all I hate the things happening to society. I wish I would have been born sooner. I was born just in time to see what things used to be like before the internet and I liked society better before the internet. I liked eating around a table with my entire family twice sometimes three times a day. I liked the mystery of life back then. When you could have a convo with someone and exchange stories and facts with each other without someone pulling out their phone and going "Ok Google!" to instantly search the internet in an attempt to prove you wrong. I miss when people could think for themselves. I miss the days when everyone wasn't pissed off and yammering on about some bullshit happening half a world away. I miss making our own fun by playing games to pass the time. Or when people would actually sit down and read a book. I miss the days when everyone was friendly with their neighbors and knew their neighbors. I miss the way everyone was before 3 media companies controlled all of the news networks (even the local news). I miss how sporting events used to be something you could afford to go to and the actual event was good instead of what we have now in every sport. I miss the way culture and fads used to take 2-3 years to filter from one side of America to the other.
In my late 20s I tried going out to raves and parties again. But I couldn't find any PLUR at any of those events. It wasn't like it was when I stumbled upon that sort of things in my teens when I caught the tail end of what it was like to go to a field party or warehouse party on a whim where I could meet new people. I miss how women/girls used to be when they were kind of shy and hard to get. When you were excited just to get a kiss from a girl. I miss when families stuck together through thick and thin. This is not purely nostalgia and rose tinted glasses although yes I'm sure that's a little part of it. Society has changed a lot.....
I miss when people acted like people instead of being obsessed with getting views and making money off posting on social media. I miss when people would shun someone for doing things for purely attention. I miss when people wouldn't go out of their way to piss other people off in an attempt to become popular and get a sponsorship from doing dumb stuff like making crappy youtube videos. I miss the days before "true crime" was turned into an entire genre designed to scare people into not trusting strangers. I miss when the police were actually upstanding people that could be respected and would help you out without trying to hem you up with a bunch of bullshit charges like obstruction. I miss when people respected each other in public. I miss when our little town would throw little festivals at the mall. Hell I miss the mall as well and randomly running into people you knew at them. I miss the days before everyone had a cell phone and insisted on texting you 5 minutes before you were supposed to meet up to tell you they weren't coming. I miss when tattoos weren't a fad and all these people didn't have them on their faces, necks and anywhere else they can put some ink. Back when they meant something and people would actively try to hide them.
I hate what social media has done to society and I hate the fact that I had a small hand in creating what has happened to society today.
You see being out in the middle of nowhere it wasn't like I could ride my bike to see a friend and ride with them around the neighborhood everyday. The nearest other children from me growing up were two boys around my brother and I's age. But it required riding up a steep hill over a mile to get to their house. So a lot of times we didn't bother because it was just too far and we could never get our parents to give us a lift. Since most of the time Dad wasn't home he was at work trying to put food on our table after mom left (he took a massive cut in pay to work closer to home). So instead of getting to experience a normal childhood like most children that were my age I spent the vast majority of my childhood alone watching my sibling. I think that combined with my mother leaving my Dad when I was 6 really fucked me up for life when it comes to creating bonds with other people. If you lie to me one time I can never trust you again even if it's a white lie. It's so hard to relate and get to know new people now. Not that I'm seeing many. I'm cursed on that front. Every time I get a new friend that I really enjoy spending time with they die within a year or so. It has happened to me 3 times just in the past decade. So now I stay away from people all together for the most part. I don't want to form a bond with someone just to see them die young through no fault of their own.
I'm well into middle age now and I'm fucking broke. Can barely feed myself. How am I supposed to support a family? There is no way I'll ever have children at this point. There is no way I'll ever meet a good girl. I let the few that could have been slip away because I was so naive about how to treat and act around women. I was too respectful to them and would never make the first move I guess. Whenever I did they'd always get super clingy then they'd lie to me and that would be the end of it. No one taught me how to act around girls. Hell no one taught me how basic shit like how to brush my own teeth and shave. I had to learn everything on my own. Since Dad was never home and Mom was long gone. Maybe I have some kind of complex or something I don't know.
All I know is I really want to die and I regularly put myself in positions where I should die. But it never works out. From age 16 until my early 30s I used to go out in my car at 2-3am when I couldn't sleep and drive around the local back roads as fast and I could. I'd get real close to losing control but I'd always recover somehow and figure out I could go through that section of the road faster. So I'd try again and again always with the same result. My body just reacts and I always came through.
Before I was smart enough to use sites like erowid I did stupid shit like an entire bottle of blue xanax. They gave me plenty when I got my multiple concussions. I just wanted to sleep forever. All I ended up doing was sleeping for about 24 hours. Everyone could tell I was fucked up when I woke up and asked when the sun was coming up. I tried to kill myself later when I got smarter and did research with various cocktails of drugs. Usually, opioids mixed with benzo and booze. I'd take insane doses and I'd always wake up just fine. So I knew pills weren't going to do the trick after awhile.
Now I do shit like walk around during thunder storms hoping lightening will strike me. I figure if it's an act of God no one will think it was suicide. Same logic I had with hoping for a car wreck. But I can never get struck just like I could never not lose control of the power slide I was doing in the car. Same goes for my ATVs. I rode those hard and in places where I'd have trees inches off either side while running 50+mph. Always missed them. Except one time where I only ended up with yet another concussion.
I turned 40 not long ago. I never thought I'd make it to 40. I planned killing myself during the full moon that happened right before my birthday. I was going to tell the family I was going for a day hike and instead of coming down during part closing I was going to sit up there on the mountain, take the last of my MDMA and admire the moon then eat a bullet if the MDMA didn't give me the will to live. But my Grandmother was excited about the party she planned on throwing. So I put it off. I didn't want to break her heart.
My Grandmother isn't in great health now. I don't know what I'm going to do after she's gone. My plan was to wait until she died then do the deed. I know it'll hurt my Dad, brother, sister, mother and Step Dad but I can't stand living in this place any longer. This place is a prison of some sort. I can't stand it and it gets more intolerable by the day. I'm so sick of the state of things. Especially now that I've figured out who's really running things and that the world really is a stage. Where most of the news (and even HISTORY) is fabricated and the intent of the "programming" is controlling people. I'm sick of seeing people do evil shit to get their hands on more paper. I'm sick of seeing people losing their homes and being forced to live in tents on the streets. I'm sick of watching the 1% hoover up all the wealth while the rest of us are slowly starving to death and are only one emergency away from losing everything. I'm sick of the food. It's pumped up with hormones, chemicals and in many cases shit like silicon. It's not real food.
I think most of all I'm sick of the fact that my existence here causes suffering for others. If I eat a steak at a restaurant I know that animal suffered probably its entire life before getting his throat slit by a psycho then hoisted up on a chain next to all its friends and family. Usually still alive and bleeding out. With his fellow cows all screaming in fear around him if they could muster up any noise. I'm sick of one major company buying up all the family farms so now we have these mega farms where they treat the animals like shit and most of them spend their entire lives in a cage. But it isn't just meat. Plants have souls and feelings to I think. So every time you harvest off one of them or dig them up you're causing it pain as well. It's why the grass has that smell to it when you cut it. It's warning the others. Every single thing I eat or drink most of the time it harms something else on this planet. It's a wicked system of suffering
How can I exist without making others suffer? How can I do it without working for some mega-corp like Wal-Mart that pays a shit salary and treats their employees (excuse me, "associates") a slave wage and gives them just enough hours that they do not qualify for full time benefits. How am I supposed to find a job in a job market where I can't get a call back in 7 years [/I]even for a running a register as a gas station.
How the fuck am I supposed to meet a nice girl when I can't even afford to drive into town more than once a week?
You want to know where I fucked up? I know exactly where I fucked up.
In 2012 I was in JAX working for a landscaping company. We pulled into a gas station to gas up everything before setting off to the first job of the day. Everyone went into the store except me because I was the one gassing everything up. I saw this girl on the other side of the pumps and she was the cutest girl I'd ever seen in my life. She was dressed for an office job but in that business casual way. She had on high heels yet she barely stood 5 foot tall. She was smiling and seemed to be in a great mood. I fell in love at first sight. That's never happened to me before or since.
What does my dumb ass do? I chicken out. I should have asked her for her name. Told her I thought she was the cutest girl I've ever seen. Tell her I'd only been in JAX for a couple of weeks and ask her if she wanted to go do something together sometime and got her number. But I didn't want to bother her. All the guys on my crew spent all their days cat calling women from our truck. I never participated because I thought it was rude. But that line of thinking really fucked me over that day. She finished filling up her car and drove off and I never got her name. I still think about it from time to time. She was beautiful in that girl next door type of way. I don't know how to explain it. I still remember what she was wearing: A knee length khaki skirt with a blue top, matching heels, blonde hair down to her back and cute little glasses. God she was so cute. I can't believe I let her walk away without saying a word. Is it strange to approach girls in a parking lot like that? I should have. At least I would know. Now I'll never know.
That's always been my main problem with women. I respect them to much and don't want to bother them because I figure they get bothered all of the time. It isn't that I'm afraid of rejection or anything. I just don't want to be that guy. If you're out there cute girl from the gas pumps in west-side JAX and reading this post through some kind of miracle I just want to say it again. You were the cutest girl I ever saw. I'm so sorry I didn't say hi.
So basically, I've come to terms that with my body falling apart and rapidly aging along with my family situation that there isn't much point in remaining in this hellscape much longer. I keep wanting to put my plan into action. I already made a will that basically says I'm leaving all my crap to my brother and whatever he doesn't want he should give to my best friend. Best friend will get my house. The place reeks of tobacco smoke because I stopped caring about 4 years ago and started smoking in the house constantly. Since he smokes that shouldn't be a problem. I don't really own much of value. Well I have a lot of old video game stuff and firearms. Lots of ammo to. I tried to prepare in case the worst happened. I'm not prepper but I made sure we had enough .22lr to feed ourselves for at least a couple of years and a variety of 5.56mm to feed the ARs if we needed to defend ourselves. A long with enough 12 gauge buck shot, slugs and bird shot for both purposes. A long with a 30-06 in case I needed to reach out and touch somebody with Grandpa's old M1 Garand. I'm not really a gun nut I just ended up with everyone's shit somehow because I have the only real safe (and it's packed). That should be plenty for them to eat and defend themselves after I'm gone.
I just don't want to witness what's coming if I'm being honest. The worst police state the world has ever seen is coming quickly and it's like no one cares. They're building it up around us right now and no one cares. I've tried to warn people. I even ended up with 20+ cops and three Federal agencies here at one point because people were reading what I wrote and the Government didn't like it. I didn't threaten anyone either. I was just labeled an "extremist" and "anti-American" for pointing out how they were building up the police state and how people could avoid it (you can't vote you way out). So much for freedom of speech and freedom of the press eh?
It's breaking my heart seeing people so distracted by their pocket TV/tracking device to take notice. I can't stand seeing people divided into these little sub-groups along political, religious and other bullshit lines like race and where they like to stick their penis. I don't understand why people just can't get along and why everyone became so thin skinned and dependent on the Government for everything. You guys gotta set aside your differences and come together because the cold hard truth is this: If you aren't in the 1% they don't give a fuck about you.
The worse part is a lot of people know and they're usually the older folks. They tell me they don't care. Which to my ears means you don't care about your children and grand children's future. It's going to get so bad. Really bad. Worse than what we saw in Russia in the early-mid 1900s and in places like North Korea/East Germany (and 1930s Germany). Something horrible is coming and they're building it up right now and no one cares. You think they rolled out fiber in all rural sections of America and all these new towers so you could stream movies in higher quality faster? You're deluded if you think that. I wish I could turn off the internet and all the TVs/Radios for a week so people would start to think for themselves again. I lay awake at night worrying about it. I'm so sad and depressed. I've considered doing it myself multiple times and trust me I could pull it off. Since the code running all the world's servers is frankly shit and riddled with more security holes than anyone will ever admit.
I'll never be able to do the things I want to do as far as traveling and seeing the world goes. It's already becoming impossible to get out of the country if you were born here. Countries are closing up their borders and talking about how bad tourism is. I suppose they have a point, most tourists are pretty rude these days. Just look at the assholes that got gaijin banned from entire sections of major Japanese cities. But I think I'm feeling it harder and most because I'm in the only demographic where it's okay to hate on us and cheer on the slow genocide that's happening to the group I was born into. Once my Grandmother and parents are gone all hell is going to break loose if not before. I'm not afraid to say I've shed more than a few tears thinking about it. I don't understand why other people can't see it coming. Please take a step back from the left/right divide and look at the situation from that view point. You should be able to see reality for what it is then.
I basically have nothing to live for. I have no children. I have no prospects of having children. I'm one man and there is nothing I can really do about it other than try to inform others. But no one will listen. They're too busy listening to the liars on TV or some dude that makes millions of dollars talking to a camera in his bed room. They're all distracted and obsessed with stupid shit that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Meanwhile, a small group of people in the 1% are plotting to kill and enslave us all for good. We're going back to feudalism. Except this time it'll be digital and everyone will be tracked closely. The really sad part is a lot of people think it's great. Your rights being tied to a social score just like they're already doing in China. In China they even pair you up with another person with a high social credit score because they want people like that to breed.
I feel so guilty because a lot of this code they're using I wrote or helped write and document and/or design. I didn't program this stuff so someone can live stream themselves doing soft core porn and all the other dumb shit people do like send pictures of their dick to each other. I thought the web and the internet would empower people. I thought they'd read books and educate themselves. I thought they'd have debates and reach common ground. I thought they'd strive to become better people and as a result make the world a better place for everyone. Instead they've just become dumber. Obsessed with whatever today's gossip is. They think the trending lists are actually organic and not tightly controlled by a few people and organizations. They think anyone can "make it" in America and become a member of the rich club if they try hard enough and get lucky.
As for me I'm not sure how I'll die just yet. I did a practice run last year where I went without food for 2 weeks and it was surprisingly very easy. If I can fly out of the country I plan to go to a certain island nation, walk to the top of a certain mountain, consume various substances and sit there until I starve to death. I refuse to take myself out with a bullet. It's to fast, to easy and it would leave a mess for someone else to clean up. Instead, I'll push through the suffering of starvation I guess. Unless I can score a certain substance that's getting very hard to come by. The idea of drinking something, falling asleep and feeling no pain is very appealing.
I've also decided for my bucket list I'll finally pop my IV cherry with a nice phat shot of morphine if I can find a source for it. Since I love morphine and I've never used a needle before. I'd probably mix up some DPT with my fat shot of morphine so I could feel what DPT does just one last time.
My main goal for the rest of my life boils down to not doing anyone any harm. I refuse to kill another living being.
I think and yes this is pure speculation. But I think the "light" people claim to see during NDEs is a trap. I plan to stay as far away from that light as possible. I think we continue to exist after we die and for whatever reason this time around I chose hard mode. What I'm going to attempt to do is find another world after death and reincarnate there. I'd like to end up somewhere far less evil. I want to have a proper childhood my next go around. I'd also like to have a circle of good friends starting very young. Maybe grow up in a neighborhood with other children instead of being landlocked on a farm in the middle of nowhere. I'd also like to end up some place where magic is real. I'm pretty sure it's probably real here to but it seems everyone practicing it is into the "dark" magic. I'd like to go some place where there is more balance and "white" magic exists.
If I am forced to come back down to Earth I hope my memories aren't wiped. I think when we die here and get trick into going into that light they wipe our memories. I also think karma is bullshit now and just a tool to keep people returning to this evil place (matrix?). Something more is going on here that meets the eye. Somewhere out there someone is suffering for all this misery we collectively feel.
By the way we can stop what's happening without firing a shot or getting violent. We just have to all stop participating in their game at the same time. Stop going into work. Stop buying their cheap plastic crap. Stop following their edicts. The only reason "they" have power of us is because we allow them to. That's one of the reasons I had all those agencies show up knocking on my door. A bunch of people were reading the words I wrote and for a bit it was circulating on social media organically. They were worried if to many people saw what I was writing a lot of them might follow my guidelines for a non-violent solution. You have to come together though and stick together. If you want to see how "they" bust up organic protests just look at how these paid actors expertly divided one of the Occupy Wall street protests:
That's my rant for today. I'm sick of living in this evil place. Once my Grandmother is gone I no longer have a reason to be here. I just wanted to get this off my chest. If you feel the same way I'm sorry. Just know there are other people out there like me that know how you feel.
Covid ruined my already terrible life. I was raised to be honest, have morals, never do anything wrong to anyone and not to complain about pain/my problems. I was taught from a young age to hide pain. Which ironically, is how I ended up a junkie. I wake up feeling awful everyday. Eyes watering, nose running, have to run to the toilet for the morning bowl movement like clock work. I choke down some kratom and it's always at least an hour and a half before I'm "normal" again and can actually do stuff. So if someone comes knocking before I wake I'm fucked. Not that I can sleep. Since I cracked my skull open at age 17 I have been unable to sleep a normal schedule at all. I simply can't turn my brain off. I will lay there for hours just thinking. Usually about things I imagine. A life I'd like to have in a far away place with kinder people. I typically go 2-3 days without sleep at all. Then when my body finally gives out it's usually at an odd hours like 3pm. Which causes me to sleep until 9-11pm. At which point I wake up in withdrawal again. Choke down the kratom, have the bowl movement, all with eyes watering and nose running. It's a horrible cycle.
For 7 years I've put in applications everywhere. Even wal-mart won't call back. The one call back I did get from a local business called me the one weekend I decided to drive out of town. Since I have a house phone I missed the call. They hired someone else instead then the store changed owners and everyone got fired a few months later anyway.
No matter how much I save and plan something always comes a long at the last minute to ruin everything. It has happened so much now I don't even bother.
For the longest time I wrestled with the idea of ordering some pentobarbital from Mexico to put away just in case I ever worked up the courage to take my own life. Seemed like the most peaceful way to do it. Of course, the Government(s) shut that down really fast and I missed my window to order it. But if I were a dog or a cat they'd give it to me no problem as long as I was in chronic pain or old. It's fucked up animals get treated better that humans do. Not that I hate animals it's just.....I can't believe how they're allowed access to certain drugs and we're not. Cats and Dogs have the right idea about life. They just chill and want to hang out. They're total bros.
I hate everything about the modern world. I really really do. I can't stand people posing for selfies and all the other dumb shit they do now that they all have smart phones. I no longer carry a phone despite being an early adopter and it's really amazing now to go out in public and witness just how addicted everyone is to the mini TV in their pocket. Worse yet I know how it works. It's always recording everything they say and whatever the camera is pointed at to send it back to a massive data center to be looked through automatically with AI software. If the AI flags something they watch that person a little closer. I can't believe people are so willing to snitch on themselves.
Last night at the gas station a car that pulled up behind me had a couple posing for a selfie. I politely informed the man that the store was about to close and if he wanted gas he needed to hurry up. He got a shitty attitude with me probably trying to impress his girlfriend. I let it slide and walked off. Like I always do. I was carrying a pistol what was I supposed to do? Shoot him? That's madness. But if he tried to assault me (and I thought he might) I would have been left with no other choice. The guy has no idea how close he came to dying just over showing his ass. One of these days he's going to run up on the wrong one.
I hate the big TVs everyone has in their home and the ones now located everywhere you go. I can't even pump gas without a screen with a commercial on it playing. I know how to turn off the sound but it's still annoying. Some asshole is raking in millions off that idea. Meanwhile, I'm over here barely able to afford some frozen chicken patties and a bag of chips.
I hate that evil liars and schemers rise to the top and are in the 1% when it comes to who has stacked the most paper. I hate the paper to (money). I really really hate it. It's stupid. It's worthless. It's putting us all in massive debt and one of these days that debt will be called in. My friend's mother told me stories about Germany in the late 1920s-early 1930s. She said you could not get a loaf of bread for a wheel barrel full of paper notes. I know that's coming to America at some point.
I feel so fucking bad that I helped build real life Skynet. It's everywhere now. Flock cameras on all the streets. I was forced to go into Wal-Mart last night for food because my usual grocery store is remodeling. God I hate Wal-Mart so much. I feel like human garbage because I spent money there for food last night. There were cameras everywhere. I had to ring up my own groceries. There are no fewer than 10 cameras at the register all scanning my face for subtle cues while more cameras measured my gait to build up a profile on me without my consent. I look around and all the other people in the store seem oblivious to it all. Some of them even think it's a good thing. I can't stand it.
I hate that the most annoying horrible people manage to gain views on websites like youtube and twitch and become multi-millionaires for doing nothing but dumb shit like annoying decent people in the street or doing shit like "reacting" to movie clips and video games. I really loath this society. The rampant consumerism and the constant quest for the almighty dollar. It's just paper. I don't fucking get it. People even kill for paper. It's madness.
This place much be hell. I must have been put here to be punished. Nothing ever goes my way. As the oldest sibling I'm a total failure at "life" but to win at "life" would require me to do things that are wrong and evil. I'd have to lie. I'd have to step on someone else to get ahead. I'd have work for large companies that treat their staff like cattle and then I'd be contributing to the problem.
I really really want to die. But I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger myself and I know it would make my Grandmother sad and depressed. It would probably kill her from a broken heart. So I cling to life and put on a brave face. Just for her. My parents I don't worry about as much. My little brother can take care of Dad and change his diapers and my little sister is now a full fledged doctor that can look after Mom. There is no reason for me to continue to linger around and be a burden on my family.
I live on $60 a week. That's my entire budget and it goes to the following: $10 tobacco+tubes, $30 kratom habit, $10 for gasoline for the car I only drive once a week and the rest on food. You read that right. I've figured out how to survive on $10 of food a week. On good weeks I might be able to spend $20-$30. But those are pretty rare. I ration the little food I do buy to meal a day. If I smoke some weed rarely I might have a second in the afternoon. Or I'll go to my Grandmother's and eat but I feel like a freeloader. I can't get a call back for a job. I've applied for everything. I'm overqualified, under qualified and I've heard everything in between. One straight up told me he doesn't hire men because young women with big boobs bring in more customers (head/smoke shop). Every remote job I apply to has 1k people applying within 5 minutes and I know my resume goes straight in the garbage. I'm not diverse enough I guess.
Society has made it very clear they have no use for an honest hard working man like me. I'm watching my people slowly die off. I doubt you'll see any of us walking around in 100 years. It isn't just me I'm seeing the same things with my friends. If they did manage to get married they're all divorced now and barely see their children.
But at least they got to see their children. I got the wonderful news twice in my life that I was going to be a father. Both times the child was aborted behind my back without my permission. The second time I had uprooted my entire like for the child I was expecting. I moved several states away to find good lucrative work. Within a month I had a good job secured and a place for us to live. It wasn't a huge place but it was big enough for a starter home. Then I get the call from back home that the girl had decided against getting married and aborted my child. It broke my heart.
Now I'm too old and I've come to terms with the fact that I will never have children. I spend by days taking care of aging parents, uncles, my Dad and my grandparent that's still alive through the grace of God. None of them understand how hard it is for a man my age today. They think I'm just lazy. I've given up to the point that sometimes I don't even bother leaving my home. I wake up, eat kratom, lay back down and escape into a word of imagination. I have an entire narrative going in my imagination of a better place. I hope maybe I'll get to go there when I die and experience a happy life in a society that gives a fuck about me. Right now I'm trying to finish a novel based on these worlds in my mind that I've created.
I love my family but sometimes it's like they go out of their way to make my already hard life harder. It's embarrassing having to ask for money so I can eat. Sometimes my Dad gives me a $20 bill then a lecture about how I need to get a job. He doesn't believe me when I tell him I've been looking for 7 years now with NO CALL BACKS. He thinks I can still go shake someone's hand and get hired on the spot. My Grandmother who grew up during the great depression doesn't understand either. Her and my Uncle are on so much xanax that they can't remember yesterday half of the time.
They all say I'm the smartest person they know but they never listen to anything I have to say. It's like they go out of their way to berate me and do the opposite of what I ask of them or advise them to do. In late 2019/early 2020 I found out my Grandfather left me a large sum of money. I never saw a cent of it. My Uncle got control over the account and robbed me of everything. I'd be okay right now if I got to touch that money. I was going to invest in a few companies all of which have had their stock go from like $3 to $100-$500 a share in the past 7 years. I'd be a multi-millionaire right now if not for him.
I had one box full of things like the first computer I'd ever built. The computer I built with my Grandmother when I first learned how to build computers back in the 90s. The box had multiple HDDs in it filled with bitcoins I mined when they were worth nothing. I stored it in my Grandmother's house because I knew it'd be safe there. He takes this box and hauls it off to the dump without asking me first. Said "It was in the way and we needed to clean up the junk". But the only "junk" he hauled off was my one little box. All his junk (and everyone else's) is filling up every barn we have on the property. The basement is filled with his junk to the point where you can't walk through it. I feel like he did it just to spite me. He's constantly doing stuff like that just to piss me off. I don't know what his problem is. I try to complain about it to his mother (my Grandmother) but he's got her fooled to the point where she's already signed everything my Grandfather owned over to him. I fear we'll lose everything because of him. Grandma told me last week that he ran up a $5k bill one month and a $3k bill the next on a credit card she gave him. That's supposed to be for buying groceries, gasoline and things like that. I think he spent it all on cam whores.
I was supposed to take over the farm when I came back. It's why I came back here from the big city. The Great Uncle that controls it all now and tricked my Grandfather into signing it all over to him while he was on his death bed won't let me touch or do anything. The farm sits unused. He claims no one will help him maintain it but he won't let me touch any of the equipment (which was my Grandfather's) or do anything with it like buy more cattle (we're down to 5 total now when we used to keep 200+) or plant cash crops on it. Says I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 99% sure he's going to sell it all off before he dies just to spite us or leave it to his "brothers" in his little social club (he's a Shriner).
I'm fucking stuck. There is no way out. Every time I take a step forward something comes along to knock me 4 steps back. Whenever I complain about it I'm just told I'm lazy. Every though I work myself to the brink of death almost every day doing hard labor that none of the older men can/won't do anymore. My Dad is totally check out. He just goes camping every other week in his RV since he retired. Told me he doesn't give a shit about what happens after he dies. Which I take as meaning he doesn't give a shit about me. My Grandmother and Uncle pretty much say the same thing. As long as the dividends from their stock options and the social security keeps rolling in they don't care about anything else. They're so deep in the mass psychosis they actually believe social security will be there when I turn 60.
And what if I get the farm after my Great Uncle dies? What am I supposed to do? Start my life at age 55+?
My body is falling apart. It's more painful with each passing day. My right knee is tore out and I'm missing a ligament on one side of it (LCL). My right shoulder rotator cup is torn out and sounds like a weed eater engine attempting to turn over when I raise and lower my arm. It hurts all of the time to the point where I can't sleep most of the time. The right back side of my head hurts constantly from where I cracked my skull years ago. I have to eat aspirin like candy to dull the pain. But I'm just lazy because all of this is hidden on the inside....
All my friends are dead save two. I envy them. At least they all died before the world went crazy in 2020 and they didn't have to see what's happening today. At least they died fast and didn't suffer to much. I wish that would happen to me. The two friends I have that are still alive I don't see. Since I'd feel too much like a mooch if I visited their house (they have food stamps so they have food). I'm going on two years without seeing either of them even though they live 10 minutes away by car. I stopped going because they had food at their house and it was too tempting to eat some of it. I felt like a total mooch. I can't go out and treat them to a pizza and beers and things like that. My best friend has cerebral palsy and can't do things like go hiking with me. All he wants to do is sit in his room and play video games or watch youtube. I can't stand it. Watching the screen. Just like I can't stand the fact that my Dad is hooked on the crap he sees on facebook and my Grandmother/Uncle (they live together) are hooked on watching what I've come to call Liar Porn (CNN, FOX and the Nightly News). They think I'm crazy because I don't buy half the stories they see on there. My Uncle pokes fun at me over that even though I can prove the mass majority of the "news" is bullshit.
My other friend is no different. He sits on his bed all day playing YuGiOh on his Xbox. Screaming at his teenager children when he wants a drink or a snack. He never wanted to go out and do anything and even if he did there is no way I could pay my own way. Every time I was getting close to a girl he'd slide in her DMs and would have sex with her. Soon as I was dating a girl he was always scheming on a way to bed her. He's been doing it since we were teenagers. He gets pissed over mundane stupid things. Constantly bumming rides because he refuses to learn how to drive a car. Which is frankly probably a good thing because he can't even drive a lawn tractor. He used to not be like this. He used to read interesting books and we would debate politics and do stuff like play chess together. Now he's just a lazy asshole and I had to cut him out of my life because of that. He got super pissed in my car one day about how I "almost killed him" because he kept leaning in front of me at intersections and I couldn't see on-coming traffic and eased out into the road. He wanted to fight me over that dumb thing and I declined because I was armed. I haven't seen him since.
I chain smoke now because rolling your own tobacco is so cheap. I bet I smoke 40 cigarettes a day now. Or whatever 300 a week comes to. I've turned into my mother in that respect. I always hated that she smoked when I was growing up and here I am doing the same thing. But the cigarettes keep me calm and level.
I used to have a huge anger problem growing up because my childhood was miserable. As the oldest sibling I had all the responsibility of looking after my younger brother thrown on me when she divorced my Dad. Then later on when she got remarried and had my half sister (who I adore and would do anything for, my brother to) I had to take care of her. Changing the diapers, making the bottles, putting her to bed and all the things she was supposed to do. My Dad and Step Dad were always out of town working. Since there are no decent jobs here since all the industry moved away. So when I got my driver's license I was always having to go pick up my alcoholic mother from a bar or some strange man's house. It's why I swore I'd never become a boozer. Even though I can handle my booze better than most. I grew up spending my weeks taking care of my little brother alone in our house trailer. Then my weekends taking care of my baby sister while my Mom was always off at a bar somewhere or drunk as a skunk at home. The first memory I have of my mother is her being plastered with a red face laughing at the little bar in our trailer before my parents split.
Growing up I never got to do anything I wanted. I wanted to ride motocross and Dad wanted to start me at three years old. Mom wouldn't allow it and then when she divorced him when I was 6 he wouldn't allow it for fear of pissing her off and "you're too old to start now you'd never catch up". All I wanted to be growing up was a race car driver. I loved NASCAR, Indy car and F1. It was my dream to be the first person to win the Indy 500 and the World 600 on the same day. I wanted to race go-karts. Dad said he didn't have the time to teach me how to work on engines and that it would be a waste of money. But he had no problem hauling my brother and his friends all over the country to play basketball. So I had to learn how to work on engines myself.
My Dad always favored my little brother like that. It'd take all day to go over everything that went on. If my brother did something wrong I got the whoopin' because I was supposed to be watching him. If I did something wrong I got the whoopin'. My little brother figured out early he could make stuff up and Dad would always believe him. So I got beaten all of the time for shit I didn't do. Probably at least 3-4 times a week.
School was no better. I'd try to be nice to everyone and they took it as a weakness. It was like going to gladiator school everyday. Constantly fighting from the 6th grade forward. Almost everyday. I spent more days sitting in what they called in school suspension than in class or 3-5 days at home every week for actual suspension. I never started a fight but I always got the punishment because the children that started the trouble had rich parents on the booster club or that were otherwise important people in town. It was relentless. Authority figures never believed a word I had to say. I was always labeled a liar. They even threatened to arrest me because I talked about fireworks at the lunch table and they took it as a bomb threat. Got sent home for 10 days because of that. They told me I was lucky they didn't escort me out in handcuffs.
Grade school was no better. After Mom left my grades tanked because no one was watching me and I never did my homework. Dad actually encouraged the no homework thing "That's our time you get him for 8 hours a day" he told them.
I remember one day in 4th grade I decided that I was going to put forth the effort and actually do my school work again. I spent 15 minutes on a math worksheet the entire class was doing. We had to go to the front of the room to check our answers in the teacher's book. When I went to the front of the class in front of everyone the teacher cracked a joke about how I was actually working and every student in the class laughed at me. I balled up my worksheet and right then and there decided why try? That teacher was awful. She did stuff like that to me the entire year. I don't know why she decided to bully me and join in with the bullies I was already dealing with daily.
I remember one time one of the children that constantly picked fights with me was supposed to be helping this mentally disabled girl they put in our class because they had no other place for her. She was really sweet and always happy. The two of them were working on the computer. Some program to teach her how to spell simple words. The bully was purposely giving her wrong answers. This went on for over an hour. To the point where he made her cry. I raised my hand and tried to draw the teacher's attention to what was happening because it was wrong. She accused me of lying and told me she was going to punish me if I made up stories like that again. I think the bully kid just wanted to play on the computer. He always hogged the computers. The next year we were supposed to take turns playing some Magic School Bus game on the computer in the 5th grade class. He played it everyday. No one else ever got a turn. The teacher would let him get away with it.
In 6th grade this same child would purposely trip me by sticking his foot out when I walked down the hall before our first class (everyone sat on the floor in the hallway). He did it everyday for 4 days in a row. On the 4th day my anger I'd been bottling up came out and I kicked him as hard as I could in his ribs. For that I got sent home for 3 days. I tried to explain why I did it to the staff and they treated me like I was lying. He never got in trouble for anything.
One time a group of 8 kids (him included) did something I can't remember that was going to get them all in a lot of trouble. They made up a story together and somehow pinned it on me even though I had no idea what any of them were talking about. I can't remember what it was now but I was punished with 3 days suspension because "8 people said you did it, why would 8 people lie?". I can't remember what it was now. I don't even think they explained what it was now that I think about it. I just randomly got called to the office from class and next thing I knew the principle was yelling at me and trying to make me admit to it over and over again.
What scares me now is that bully kid is a nurse at our local hospital. I wonder how many people he's murdered. He's a psychopath. He should not be anywhere near patients in a hospital setting.
I remember in the 2nd or 3rd grade I got called to the principle's office. The day before I'd just gotten a buzz cut and I thought it looked rad since I had one of those stupid bowl cuts before. Next thing I know I'm in a room with the principle and some girl a little older than me that I've never seen before. She claimed that I sexually harassed her at our bus stop. I told the principle this is impossible. I don't know this person! I've never seen her before a day in my life! It would have been easy enough to pull up some paper work and see we didn't even ride the same bus. I pointed this out. The principle wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. I got so upset that I started to cry. Why are you making up stories like this? She laughed.
Turns out there was another child with my same first name and guess what: He sported a buzz cut and had it all year. Instead of punishing him when they finally figured out it wasn't me days later they acted like it never happened. No would even bothered to apologize to me.
I'm sorry to dump all this bullshit. I could tell you many more stories like this from my youth. No matter what I did or how nice I was to people life would find a way to make me miserable and no one _ever_ believed me.
As I got older the bad luck continued to follow me around. I don't understand why people treat me like shit for no reason.
All I ever wanted was a real connection to another person that I could trust. I found that in my best friend but because he's disabled we're limited in the activities we can do together. I tried finding it in a female. I desired nothing more than to be good a husband and make my wife the queen of our home. I wanted to marry a woman like my Grandmother. Who is the sweetest, most loving, most truthful and all around good person I've ever known. At least I always got to come home to my Grandmother and experience what it's like to be around someone that truly loves me and would do anything for me if I asked. But I never ask because I don't want her spending money on me or worrying about me.
Almost a decade now we lost my Grandfather. He was the glue that held the family together. I miss him so much. I cry every time I hear this song;
He was just like the man described in the song. He had a wild youth and slowed down by the time I came around. He could grow grass on a rock. He knew how to do anything. He could barely sign his name but he knew how to do almost anything. I could always come to him for advice. One of my biggest regrets is the fact that not long before he died he was watching a fire out by the barn and wanted me to sit and hang out with him. But I was too busy trying to score dope that day and declined the offer. I have this on video because I just happened to be recording video on my new smartphone at the time. I sometimes watch that video file just because it's one of the few vidoes of him that exist.
When he died the family fell apart. We lost the man that kept everyone inline and took care of so many little things around here that are now neglected. I tried to fill his shoes. I even moved into his old room and slept on his bed (which was as hard as plywood). But my Uncle ran me off because he was worried Grandma would like having a "real man" in the house. I don't know what his exact problem was. But it wasn't long after I moved in that I was given the option to move to an apartment or build a house somewhere on the family land. I chose the latter and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
My Uncle is so passive aggressive to me that I sometimes opt not to spend time with my Grandmother just because I can't deal with him. He's got an apartment in their basement. He's lived with them all his life. If he hears my foot steps he always rushes up stairs to be nosy and part of the visit. I can't get 5 minutes alone with my Grandmother no matter what time of day it is. Even if he leaves he will come straight back if he sees me on the Ring camera. He's so annoying with his bullshit. All he talked about is his health problems. His sugar is high and then it's too low and he claims to have these fainting spells. He claimed that the vapor from my little salt nic vape bothered him worse than tobacco smoke. So one day I was sitting behind him pretending to hit it. When he heard me puffing on the vape (which I wasn't pressing the button on) he started coughing and complaining. He lies all of the time. I catch him in lies constantly. He's two faced. But everyone thinks he's a great man because he's a preacher/minister/whatever you want to call it. But I know for a fact he only went to that bible college to dodge the Vietnam draft. I can't say I blame him but it's decades later now and he's still putting on that act.
My Grandmother can barely walk now but he drags her to two churches every Sunday just so he can sing at one church then they show up late to service at our church. He's an attention whore. He always has to be the center of attention. It's like a spoiled toddler in the body of an overweight post-middle aged man. I can't stand listening to him drone on about his diabetes. He stuffs his face full of donuts, candy bars, pies and various other things he's not supposed to be eating. Then he turns around and makes a big show about his blood sugar level and has to take those damn insulin shots right in front of everybody. He treats me like shit and tells me shit like "You're on the clock" when I'm doing yard work to make my Grandmother's yard look nice. After stealing my $100k+ 6 years ago he's now treating me like that and saying shit like "You can work for me" even though I know for a fact he's got no money of his own and he's just pulling cash out of my Grandmother's savings account. Since he somehow weaseled his way into having power of attorney over her and now the house, land and everything else is technically in his name now. The worst part is he's got the reverse midas touch. He ruins everything he touches. He does at least $10k+ in damages to random shit around our houses every summer.
I'm sorry I got side tracked ranting about family. My Dad is pretty bad too but at least his anger and yelling comes form a place of love. My brother and I are also cool. He actually apologized for all the bad shit he did when we were children many years ago. I felt bad though because he caught me snorting roxis when he said it. Dad just has his moods. When I got to the age of about 22 years old I figured out Dad and I are just so similar that we butt heads like that. We've mutually figured out how to avoid that. Dad is alright most of the time.
Anyway, back to why I posted this at all:
I really really dislike this place we're all living in together. Earth or Hell whatever you want to call it. But most of all I hate the things happening to society. I wish I would have been born sooner. I was born just in time to see what things used to be like before the internet and I liked society better before the internet. I liked eating around a table with my entire family twice sometimes three times a day. I liked the mystery of life back then. When you could have a convo with someone and exchange stories and facts with each other without someone pulling out their phone and going "Ok Google!" to instantly search the internet in an attempt to prove you wrong. I miss when people could think for themselves. I miss the days when everyone wasn't pissed off and yammering on about some bullshit happening half a world away. I miss making our own fun by playing games to pass the time. Or when people would actually sit down and read a book. I miss the days when everyone was friendly with their neighbors and knew their neighbors. I miss the way everyone was before 3 media companies controlled all of the news networks (even the local news). I miss how sporting events used to be something you could afford to go to and the actual event was good instead of what we have now in every sport. I miss the way culture and fads used to take 2-3 years to filter from one side of America to the other.
In my late 20s I tried going out to raves and parties again. But I couldn't find any PLUR at any of those events. It wasn't like it was when I stumbled upon that sort of things in my teens when I caught the tail end of what it was like to go to a field party or warehouse party on a whim where I could meet new people. I miss how women/girls used to be when they were kind of shy and hard to get. When you were excited just to get a kiss from a girl. I miss when families stuck together through thick and thin. This is not purely nostalgia and rose tinted glasses although yes I'm sure that's a little part of it. Society has changed a lot.....
I miss when people acted like people instead of being obsessed with getting views and making money off posting on social media. I miss when people would shun someone for doing things for purely attention. I miss when people wouldn't go out of their way to piss other people off in an attempt to become popular and get a sponsorship from doing dumb stuff like making crappy youtube videos. I miss the days before "true crime" was turned into an entire genre designed to scare people into not trusting strangers. I miss when the police were actually upstanding people that could be respected and would help you out without trying to hem you up with a bunch of bullshit charges like obstruction. I miss when people respected each other in public. I miss when our little town would throw little festivals at the mall. Hell I miss the mall as well and randomly running into people you knew at them. I miss the days before everyone had a cell phone and insisted on texting you 5 minutes before you were supposed to meet up to tell you they weren't coming. I miss when tattoos weren't a fad and all these people didn't have them on their faces, necks and anywhere else they can put some ink. Back when they meant something and people would actively try to hide them.
I hate what social media has done to society and I hate the fact that I had a small hand in creating what has happened to society today.
You see being out in the middle of nowhere it wasn't like I could ride my bike to see a friend and ride with them around the neighborhood everyday. The nearest other children from me growing up were two boys around my brother and I's age. But it required riding up a steep hill over a mile to get to their house. So a lot of times we didn't bother because it was just too far and we could never get our parents to give us a lift. Since most of the time Dad wasn't home he was at work trying to put food on our table after mom left (he took a massive cut in pay to work closer to home). So instead of getting to experience a normal childhood like most children that were my age I spent the vast majority of my childhood alone watching my sibling. I think that combined with my mother leaving my Dad when I was 6 really fucked me up for life when it comes to creating bonds with other people. If you lie to me one time I can never trust you again even if it's a white lie. It's so hard to relate and get to know new people now. Not that I'm seeing many. I'm cursed on that front. Every time I get a new friend that I really enjoy spending time with they die within a year or so. It has happened to me 3 times just in the past decade. So now I stay away from people all together for the most part. I don't want to form a bond with someone just to see them die young through no fault of their own.
I'm well into middle age now and I'm fucking broke. Can barely feed myself. How am I supposed to support a family? There is no way I'll ever have children at this point. There is no way I'll ever meet a good girl. I let the few that could have been slip away because I was so naive about how to treat and act around women. I was too respectful to them and would never make the first move I guess. Whenever I did they'd always get super clingy then they'd lie to me and that would be the end of it. No one taught me how to act around girls. Hell no one taught me how basic shit like how to brush my own teeth and shave. I had to learn everything on my own. Since Dad was never home and Mom was long gone. Maybe I have some kind of complex or something I don't know.
All I know is I really want to die and I regularly put myself in positions where I should die. But it never works out. From age 16 until my early 30s I used to go out in my car at 2-3am when I couldn't sleep and drive around the local back roads as fast and I could. I'd get real close to losing control but I'd always recover somehow and figure out I could go through that section of the road faster. So I'd try again and again always with the same result. My body just reacts and I always came through.
Before I was smart enough to use sites like erowid I did stupid shit like an entire bottle of blue xanax. They gave me plenty when I got my multiple concussions. I just wanted to sleep forever. All I ended up doing was sleeping for about 24 hours. Everyone could tell I was fucked up when I woke up and asked when the sun was coming up. I tried to kill myself later when I got smarter and did research with various cocktails of drugs. Usually, opioids mixed with benzo and booze. I'd take insane doses and I'd always wake up just fine. So I knew pills weren't going to do the trick after awhile.
Now I do shit like walk around during thunder storms hoping lightening will strike me. I figure if it's an act of God no one will think it was suicide. Same logic I had with hoping for a car wreck. But I can never get struck just like I could never not lose control of the power slide I was doing in the car. Same goes for my ATVs. I rode those hard and in places where I'd have trees inches off either side while running 50+mph. Always missed them. Except one time where I only ended up with yet another concussion.
I turned 40 not long ago. I never thought I'd make it to 40. I planned killing myself during the full moon that happened right before my birthday. I was going to tell the family I was going for a day hike and instead of coming down during part closing I was going to sit up there on the mountain, take the last of my MDMA and admire the moon then eat a bullet if the MDMA didn't give me the will to live. But my Grandmother was excited about the party she planned on throwing. So I put it off. I didn't want to break her heart.
My Grandmother isn't in great health now. I don't know what I'm going to do after she's gone. My plan was to wait until she died then do the deed. I know it'll hurt my Dad, brother, sister, mother and Step Dad but I can't stand living in this place any longer. This place is a prison of some sort. I can't stand it and it gets more intolerable by the day. I'm so sick of the state of things. Especially now that I've figured out who's really running things and that the world really is a stage. Where most of the news (and even HISTORY) is fabricated and the intent of the "programming" is controlling people. I'm sick of seeing people do evil shit to get their hands on more paper. I'm sick of seeing people losing their homes and being forced to live in tents on the streets. I'm sick of watching the 1% hoover up all the wealth while the rest of us are slowly starving to death and are only one emergency away from losing everything. I'm sick of the food. It's pumped up with hormones, chemicals and in many cases shit like silicon. It's not real food.
I think most of all I'm sick of the fact that my existence here causes suffering for others. If I eat a steak at a restaurant I know that animal suffered probably its entire life before getting his throat slit by a psycho then hoisted up on a chain next to all its friends and family. Usually still alive and bleeding out. With his fellow cows all screaming in fear around him if they could muster up any noise. I'm sick of one major company buying up all the family farms so now we have these mega farms where they treat the animals like shit and most of them spend their entire lives in a cage. But it isn't just meat. Plants have souls and feelings to I think. So every time you harvest off one of them or dig them up you're causing it pain as well. It's why the grass has that smell to it when you cut it. It's warning the others. Every single thing I eat or drink most of the time it harms something else on this planet. It's a wicked system of suffering
How can I exist without making others suffer? How can I do it without working for some mega-corp like Wal-Mart that pays a shit salary and treats their employees (excuse me, "associates") a slave wage and gives them just enough hours that they do not qualify for full time benefits. How am I supposed to find a job in a job market where I can't get a call back in 7 years [/I]even for a running a register as a gas station.
How the fuck am I supposed to meet a nice girl when I can't even afford to drive into town more than once a week?
You want to know where I fucked up? I know exactly where I fucked up.
In 2012 I was in JAX working for a landscaping company. We pulled into a gas station to gas up everything before setting off to the first job of the day. Everyone went into the store except me because I was the one gassing everything up. I saw this girl on the other side of the pumps and she was the cutest girl I'd ever seen in my life. She was dressed for an office job but in that business casual way. She had on high heels yet she barely stood 5 foot tall. She was smiling and seemed to be in a great mood. I fell in love at first sight. That's never happened to me before or since.
What does my dumb ass do? I chicken out. I should have asked her for her name. Told her I thought she was the cutest girl I've ever seen. Tell her I'd only been in JAX for a couple of weeks and ask her if she wanted to go do something together sometime and got her number. But I didn't want to bother her. All the guys on my crew spent all their days cat calling women from our truck. I never participated because I thought it was rude. But that line of thinking really fucked me over that day. She finished filling up her car and drove off and I never got her name. I still think about it from time to time. She was beautiful in that girl next door type of way. I don't know how to explain it. I still remember what she was wearing: A knee length khaki skirt with a blue top, matching heels, blonde hair down to her back and cute little glasses. God she was so cute. I can't believe I let her walk away without saying a word. Is it strange to approach girls in a parking lot like that? I should have. At least I would know. Now I'll never know.
That's always been my main problem with women. I respect them to much and don't want to bother them because I figure they get bothered all of the time. It isn't that I'm afraid of rejection or anything. I just don't want to be that guy. If you're out there cute girl from the gas pumps in west-side JAX and reading this post through some kind of miracle I just want to say it again. You were the cutest girl I ever saw. I'm so sorry I didn't say hi.
So basically, I've come to terms that with my body falling apart and rapidly aging along with my family situation that there isn't much point in remaining in this hellscape much longer. I keep wanting to put my plan into action. I already made a will that basically says I'm leaving all my crap to my brother and whatever he doesn't want he should give to my best friend. Best friend will get my house. The place reeks of tobacco smoke because I stopped caring about 4 years ago and started smoking in the house constantly. Since he smokes that shouldn't be a problem. I don't really own much of value. Well I have a lot of old video game stuff and firearms. Lots of ammo to. I tried to prepare in case the worst happened. I'm not prepper but I made sure we had enough .22lr to feed ourselves for at least a couple of years and a variety of 5.56mm to feed the ARs if we needed to defend ourselves. A long with enough 12 gauge buck shot, slugs and bird shot for both purposes. A long with a 30-06 in case I needed to reach out and touch somebody with Grandpa's old M1 Garand. I'm not really a gun nut I just ended up with everyone's shit somehow because I have the only real safe (and it's packed). That should be plenty for them to eat and defend themselves after I'm gone.
I just don't want to witness what's coming if I'm being honest. The worst police state the world has ever seen is coming quickly and it's like no one cares. They're building it up around us right now and no one cares. I've tried to warn people. I even ended up with 20+ cops and three Federal agencies here at one point because people were reading what I wrote and the Government didn't like it. I didn't threaten anyone either. I was just labeled an "extremist" and "anti-American" for pointing out how they were building up the police state and how people could avoid it (you can't vote you way out). So much for freedom of speech and freedom of the press eh?
It's breaking my heart seeing people so distracted by their pocket TV/tracking device to take notice. I can't stand seeing people divided into these little sub-groups along political, religious and other bullshit lines like race and where they like to stick their penis. I don't understand why people just can't get along and why everyone became so thin skinned and dependent on the Government for everything. You guys gotta set aside your differences and come together because the cold hard truth is this: If you aren't in the 1% they don't give a fuck about you.
The worse part is a lot of people know and they're usually the older folks. They tell me they don't care. Which to my ears means you don't care about your children and grand children's future. It's going to get so bad. Really bad. Worse than what we saw in Russia in the early-mid 1900s and in places like North Korea/East Germany (and 1930s Germany). Something horrible is coming and they're building it up right now and no one cares. You think they rolled out fiber in all rural sections of America and all these new towers so you could stream movies in higher quality faster? You're deluded if you think that. I wish I could turn off the internet and all the TVs/Radios for a week so people would start to think for themselves again. I lay awake at night worrying about it. I'm so sad and depressed. I've considered doing it myself multiple times and trust me I could pull it off. Since the code running all the world's servers is frankly shit and riddled with more security holes than anyone will ever admit.
I'll never be able to do the things I want to do as far as traveling and seeing the world goes. It's already becoming impossible to get out of the country if you were born here. Countries are closing up their borders and talking about how bad tourism is. I suppose they have a point, most tourists are pretty rude these days. Just look at the assholes that got gaijin banned from entire sections of major Japanese cities. But I think I'm feeling it harder and most because I'm in the only demographic where it's okay to hate on us and cheer on the slow genocide that's happening to the group I was born into. Once my Grandmother and parents are gone all hell is going to break loose if not before. I'm not afraid to say I've shed more than a few tears thinking about it. I don't understand why other people can't see it coming. Please take a step back from the left/right divide and look at the situation from that view point. You should be able to see reality for what it is then.
I basically have nothing to live for. I have no children. I have no prospects of having children. I'm one man and there is nothing I can really do about it other than try to inform others. But no one will listen. They're too busy listening to the liars on TV or some dude that makes millions of dollars talking to a camera in his bed room. They're all distracted and obsessed with stupid shit that does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Meanwhile, a small group of people in the 1% are plotting to kill and enslave us all for good. We're going back to feudalism. Except this time it'll be digital and everyone will be tracked closely. The really sad part is a lot of people think it's great. Your rights being tied to a social score just like they're already doing in China. In China they even pair you up with another person with a high social credit score because they want people like that to breed.
I feel so guilty because a lot of this code they're using I wrote or helped write and document and/or design. I didn't program this stuff so someone can live stream themselves doing soft core porn and all the other dumb shit people do like send pictures of their dick to each other. I thought the web and the internet would empower people. I thought they'd read books and educate themselves. I thought they'd have debates and reach common ground. I thought they'd strive to become better people and as a result make the world a better place for everyone. Instead they've just become dumber. Obsessed with whatever today's gossip is. They think the trending lists are actually organic and not tightly controlled by a few people and organizations. They think anyone can "make it" in America and become a member of the rich club if they try hard enough and get lucky.
As for me I'm not sure how I'll die just yet. I did a practice run last year where I went without food for 2 weeks and it was surprisingly very easy. If I can fly out of the country I plan to go to a certain island nation, walk to the top of a certain mountain, consume various substances and sit there until I starve to death. I refuse to take myself out with a bullet. It's to fast, to easy and it would leave a mess for someone else to clean up. Instead, I'll push through the suffering of starvation I guess. Unless I can score a certain substance that's getting very hard to come by. The idea of drinking something, falling asleep and feeling no pain is very appealing.
I've also decided for my bucket list I'll finally pop my IV cherry with a nice phat shot of morphine if I can find a source for it. Since I love morphine and I've never used a needle before. I'd probably mix up some DPT with my fat shot of morphine so I could feel what DPT does just one last time.
My main goal for the rest of my life boils down to not doing anyone any harm. I refuse to kill another living being.
I think and yes this is pure speculation. But I think the "light" people claim to see during NDEs is a trap. I plan to stay as far away from that light as possible. I think we continue to exist after we die and for whatever reason this time around I chose hard mode. What I'm going to attempt to do is find another world after death and reincarnate there. I'd like to end up somewhere far less evil. I want to have a proper childhood my next go around. I'd also like to have a circle of good friends starting very young. Maybe grow up in a neighborhood with other children instead of being landlocked on a farm in the middle of nowhere. I'd also like to end up some place where magic is real. I'm pretty sure it's probably real here to but it seems everyone practicing it is into the "dark" magic. I'd like to go some place where there is more balance and "white" magic exists.
If I am forced to come back down to Earth I hope my memories aren't wiped. I think when we die here and get trick into going into that light they wipe our memories. I also think karma is bullshit now and just a tool to keep people returning to this evil place (matrix?). Something more is going on here that meets the eye. Somewhere out there someone is suffering for all this misery we collectively feel.
By the way we can stop what's happening without firing a shot or getting violent. We just have to all stop participating in their game at the same time. Stop going into work. Stop buying their cheap plastic crap. Stop following their edicts. The only reason "they" have power of us is because we allow them to. That's one of the reasons I had all those agencies show up knocking on my door. A bunch of people were reading the words I wrote and for a bit it was circulating on social media organically. They were worried if to many people saw what I was writing a lot of them might follow my guidelines for a non-violent solution. You have to come together though and stick together. If you want to see how "they" bust up organic protests just look at how these paid actors expertly divided one of the Occupy Wall street protests:
That's my rant for today. I'm sick of living in this evil place. Once my Grandmother is gone I no longer have a reason to be here. I just wanted to get this off my chest. If you feel the same way I'm sorry. Just know there are other people out there like me that know how you feel.
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