Hello, I've had multiple head injuries myself and cracked my skull open. So I know where you're coming from. I also do not want to be here and mainly only continue to exist here because it would make other people sad if I took my own life. Frankly, I'm a coward and can't pull the trigger. But I'm ready to leave this place for sure. This place is evil and I hate it.
After my last major head injury at the age of 18 or 19 it took me a long time to recover. I cracked my skull when I fell on concrete and did not seek medical help for a few days. When I finally went to a GP she basically said "yeah you have a concussion here is a xanax". That was my third major head injury. I probably had many more that I wasn't aware of and they didn't take concussion serious back then. This was long before the NFL player's wives brought attention to the long term effects.
I am terrified that I that I might have CTE. I can certainly tell that I'm developing minor problems related to it. Controlling my anger is hard when I do get anger. I write novels every time I send an email or post here because that happens to be one of the effects from having concussion. My memory is still pretty good so I'm thankful for that.
I spent the majority of my 20s trying to fix my brain through the use of various substances. I did everything I could get my hands on. LSD, Shrooms, 5-meo-mipt, DMT, DPT, MXE, K, DXM and many others. Out of all of those MXE and DPT were probably the best for re-wiring things. But the effects I would get from those drugs never lasted long and caused me far more problems than they solved. The lingering HPPD for over a year certainly wasn't fun. I became a bit of an addict if I had bags of those substances around. I would trip sometimes daily and at least 3 times a week. By the end I didn't want to be social with them and was doing them alone in a dark room wasting my youth away.
My point is you're not going to be able to fix your brain damage with any substance honestly. You will probably just end up causing yourself more problems than you already have especially if you use them often. The best thing for recovering from the brain damage is forcing yourself to do things that are hard for you now.
I had to teach myself how to talk properly again. Since I slurred words and would have a hard time finding the correct work mid sentence. It was terrible. It took me at least 6 months to stop slurring words and maybe a year until I felt like I was back to normal. I had to train my brain to work around the damage. I had a similar issue with my vision. The last time I fell I hit the place in the brain that deals with vision very hard. As a result I couldn't see if I was moving faster than about 20mph. Which is not good for someone that enjoyed riding dirt bikes, ATVs and driving cars fast. It was so bad I couldn't be on track with someone else.
On my ATV when I shifted from 4th to 5th gear I've start to get tunnel vision and it would eventually all go black. To fix this I went into a large field and forced myself to ride fast in a straight line back and forth. After about 2 weeks I had mostly fixed my vision and the tunnel vision stuff went away. But it still isn't perfect. Even before I abused the drugs I was seeing spots and stuff in my field of view. There still there now but I have managed to tune them out so I don't notice them normally. I do right now through because I mentioned it.
I fucked my vision up badly with the daily/weekly tripping with stuff like 5-meo-mipt, DMT and Shrooms. I was taking them very often to the point where I had a heavy tolerance and had to take double what I would give to friends to get positive effects. But upping the dose caused many negative effects. After awhile I knew I needed to stop so I gave my entire stash away to a DJ friend. I kind of wish I'd kept it now.
If advise you don't attempt this. But if you do:
I found the following routine very positive for helping with my brain issues. You need to get some K. I would tell you to get MXE instead but it's impossible to find now. What you want to do is shoot for a K hole. Go through the K hole with the intent of solving your probelm. When you come out don't be discourage that it didn't work at first. The K is mainly just prepping you for the next bit.
Wait a few days then take a hefty dose of DPT. It must be DPT. DMT won't do what you need it to do. The hefty DPT dose is probably going to feel really awful. You'll feel like someone is throwing lightening bolts at you if you're laying down or sitting when it first comes on and your nose will still be on fire.
Once you start seeing the little DPT munkins coming out of everytihng it's time to go outside. Go outside and take a long walk in nature. Make sure you do this on a sunny day. Spend the next 2 hours outside with the intent to get your brain back to normality. I highly suggest a forrest of at least a wooded area with a trail you know very well. Take the time to really observe all the trees and animals running around. If you smoke cigarettes now would be a good time for you to have one. You'll probably be amazed at the color of the smoke. While tripping try to apperciate that you are as much a part of nature as anything else in those woods. Take a nice long walk through the woods and find a nice open field. Then go sit in the field until the DPT starts to wear off.
I'm sure the DPT will show you whatever you need to see. Once you're starting to come down go into another K hole. The K will get rid of all the tension the DPT causes in your body (well it'll mask it) and add flavor to the K hole.
After you've done the above put the drugs away and don't touch them again for at least a month. It's probably best not to touch them at all again for 6-12 months if you have the will power. The drugs are not a cure. They're just a helpful tool that will allow you to hopefully help your brain find new pathways to communicate with itself.
Head injuires are awful and I feel for you. It's terrible having a head injury like this because it's a hidden disability. I can't find one doctor willing to take my lingering symptoms seriously. People you interact with on a day-to-day basis can't tell you're suffering because it isn't like having a broken leg, arm or any other type of visible injury.
Please don't take yourself out of the game yet. I promise things will start to get better with time even without using drugs. You really need to make a regimen and stick to it. You have to push yourself to get the brain to recover and find new pathways to make the connections that are currently broken. I'm sorry to say personality wise you'll never be exactly what you were before. But with work you can get very close to where you think you're supposed to be.
There will be lingering pain for a long time. Maybe your entire life. I'm suffering like that to. Even if I had opioids in my system and was on the very of nodding I could feel pain in the spot where I crack my skull open. I find that aspirin is the only thing that can mask that pain. As such I keep a bottle on my desk at all times and I take it probably 2-3 times a week. Some days it hurts more than others. If it's mild I can deal with it. But I go through aspirin like candy sometimes.
There are a lot of us out here like you that got a head injury and were not taken serious by the medical system. They tell you to go home, sit in a dark room and do nothing. That's not the way to fix this. You have to force yourself to do the things that are bothering you. The symptoms depend on what part of the brain you damaged. If you tell me more about the symptoms you're having I can help you by suggesting some exercises.
We're not famous sport stars so we end up going to doctors that aren't well versed in concussions. Here is a good video about someone that suffered multiple concussions and got symptoms similar to my own. He talks about the brain exercises he went through to fix his brain so he could get back in his race car. This man went to the best doctor in the world when it comes to concussion/brain injury.
I personally had similar symptoms to his. I couldn't focus on moving objects like a ball being throw in the air. My eyes would bounce off objects I was trying to track. I had the tunnel vision when I was moving fast. I had the problems with balance. Dale Jr. wrote an entire book about his concussions and treatment. I have not read it but it's supposed to be good. At the end of each chapter the doctor he went to wrote about the treatments and why he was using them. I'll probably pick it up this week now that I have it in mind again.
Please don't give up. I can't promise you that everything will go back to normal but I can tell you it gets better. It's tolerable enough for me now that I can manage it with the aspirin and staying active outside. Drugs are not the answer to this problem. You just need to push through this bad time and force your brain to start doing what it's supposed to be doing. Eventually, it will find new pathways and hopefully your symptoms go away all together or at least get to a level where they aren't bothering you as much as they are now.
I too thought I'd never see 30. I was so worried about turning 30. Then the next thing I knew my 30s have flown by and now I'm the big 4-0. I often ponder suicide myself but I'm both a coward and don't want to make other people sad. I know exactly how you feel. You feel like you're broken. Like the body (and brain) you have are worn out all of the time and you're willing to do anything to make it better.
I strongly advise you don't get into the LSD stash right now. Yes you'll probably have a horrible trip and maybe you'll end up doing something you'll regret. Most people that survive attempts say the moment almost died they got a flood of thoughts that made them regret their attempt (most of those are from people that jumped off a famous bridge).
I think what you should do is chill out on smoking the weed. Go totally drug free for a month or two and force yourself to make your brain work. Play chess, solve math problems, program, go drive around a track as fast as you can, go for a run, go hiking...anything to get it active. It will heal. It takes some time but it will eventually heal and you'll feel better.
Best of luck and much love to you. Please don't check out yet. Stay a while longer and see if things improve.
