Heroin Opiate use Disorder No Maintenance Medication : A story and a poll

[helpingout]

Well, the title says most of it, for a pretty long while I was completely dependent on heroin. Five years of my life, two times a day, three on the weekends, I would shove an oral syringe into my nose and plunge a shot of black tar heroin onto my sinuses. About four years ago, I decided to quit. Some of you might have read my journal entries from that period, for those who haven’t, feel free. I had been using opiates for about fifteen years before I started heroin, and it took me about three years from stopping heroin to get to the point where I no longer used any kind of maintaining opiate, like kratom, 7oh, or buprenorphine.

My current situation is as follows, I am currently 7 months and 28 days off of any kind of opiate. This struggle has been hard won. Here’s what I’m doing right. For the first couple of years after quitting heroin, I didn’t keep any kind of log of whether I had been x amount of days off buprenorphine or kratom or kratom extracts. I just picked myself up every time I dosed the residue of an artifact or bought a super powerful extract at the store. I didn’t keep any kind of count because I found them to be demotivating. Going back to zero over and over again just broke my spirit every time so I decided I wouldn’t do that. When I finally made the jump to no opiate maintenance meds, the kick was the same as if I had kicked the strongest opiate I had ever been dependent on. I just kept my head down and got through it. When I first got to fourteen days off of that final maintenance med, my system kind of reset and now when I got sick, I only got as sick as the maintenance med I was on. I relapsed after 100 days clean off all opiates and spent the next year lapsing and relapsing. This most recent stretch is 7 months and 28 days. That’s about 238 days without any kind of maintenance med.

I’ve felt better in my recovery when I was dogshit sick than I do now. But my baseline now is way higher than when I was dogshit sick. It’s basically kind of a bad deal. I’d probably feel a lot better and a lot more normal on a maintenance med like suboxone or methadone but I’m a prideful son of a bitch and I’d rather feel what it’s like to be myself, even if I’m lower than a snakes belly every day, than to acknowledge that I’m on this earth to be an opiate depository.

So, that’s where I’m at now, almost eight months off of all opiates. I’ve got a more elevated baseline. I feel better day to day than I ever did on dope. But my energy levels are kind of shit. My mood is kind of shit. I’m a happy person. I feel happy all the time. But right now I’m feeling pretty low because I just don’t have that surging five mg oxycodone conquer the world kind of vibe, or that super low and slow burning soul fire that a morning shot of heroin puts into you that just makes you want to get shit done.

But also, I’m not sick every single week hoping that my dealer hits me up before nine pm to make a drop off because once nine pm rolls around I can basically be sure that he is not coming at all tonight and I’ll be sick until morning where I can be grateful to begin the waiting all over again. Sweating in parking lots being late to a shift to pick up dope. It’s a different kind of feeling bad this being sober but it’s a lot more stable, it’s a lot more manageable, and it’s a much better life for me. I don’t need to go to the doctors every month to get a medication that I can’t do without. I don’t need to go to the methadone clinic every morning.

But I do need to cope with my situation, to go to recovery meetings like Self Management and a Recovery Training meetings. I do need to find the money to do my laundry every week. I do need to work my shitty job at walmart, shopping things for other people, that right now it feels like I’ll never be able to afford. But there’s possibility in the place I’m at right now. There’s the possibility that things get better. That my energy levels improve. That I stay off of dope. That I keep my home and body clean. That I go to work every day and do my best. That my coworkers love and appreciate me as I am. That I can fuck whenever I want and my cock works. That my life, even though it kind of sucks, is my life, and that the way I feel, even though it’s not as good or euphoric as opiate bliss, is the way I feel, and that feeling belongs to and is owned by me;
No one else on this earth knows the totality of what I’ve been through to get to this specific level of shitty. And I’m fucking glad of it.

I’ve been to Hell and back again. I am wandering the labyrinth in order to slay the heroin addicted Minotaur. I am the Minotaur and I am Theseus. All the women who had loved me through my addiction and through my recovery are the Areadnes, the seven virgins I sacrificed, in order to receive the blessing of the golden thread that tracked my way into this labyrinth, and whose golden string I am following back as I become myself. They gave me the sword with which I cut the Minotaurs head from his body. I the individual am doing the work of making my society healthier and stronger by virtue of my presence within it.

I might be failing right now. But I’m doing my best with the tools that I have right now. I know this isn’t some righteous declaration of victory. I know that I’m at risk of lapse and relapse every single day. But right now, in this present moment, I am victorious to a certain degree. As long as I am in recovery, doing the work of staying myself, as I am without the use of drugs, the world is just a little better for it.

I can smile at my coworkers because I know how much better it is to walk around walmart making billionaires more money than it is to be addicted to and dependent on heroin. I’ve been through things you people wouldn’t believe. The hot pull of iron out of every cell of my body in precipitated withdrawal. Shitting and vomiting at the same time on the porcelain throne. All these moments are gone from me now, no tears upon my face, no lines tracing the memory of that suffering, only my existence to stand as testament to my becoming.

Today, I am helping out, by living and breathing free without the use of opiates, and I thought you should know that it is possible to do. It can be done. I am doing it. I am doing it for me and for everyone who finds hope in my story. And I will continue to do it, because my life, my existence, is worth this worthwhile suffering. That is the meaning behind everything I have been through. That I get to type this message to you now, and that I know it is the truth.

We can recover from opiate addiction.

It is possible.

I am proof positive.

 

[cnnka]

Well done, sir. Congratulations. It can be done, and you’re doing it.

I personally know three people who became clean from heroin, and it seems like it’s for life. One simply got older and couldn’t continue, though he is on a stable nightly dose of Ativan. Another uses cannabis daily and cocaine from time to time. The third is on an SSRI and may have a line here or there if it’s free.

Life can feel a bit boring sometimes without drugs, but that’s kind of the point. You have to actively do things that make it more interesting and enjoyable, mainly things that don’t destroy you. I mean, if you like to smoke cigarettes or have a bit of whiskey at night, so be it, as long as it’s not catastrophic. By catastrophic, I mean what you described in your post: being sick, depending on a dealer for your next dose, and generally having your life fall apart.

Opioid use can lower your hormones, so it’s worth getting a blood test. If your testosterone is low, treat it. You’ll feel much better. Start running or go to the gym, especially running, it feels really good. In general, don’t stay stagnant. Any ideas that come to your mind that might be interesting hobbies or activities, try them. Cook good food, have a nice drink, go buy some clothes, watch a series, play video games, take a trip you’ve always wanted. Make your life as interesting and enjoyable as you can.

One piece of advice I was given when I was feeling low, and that I still follow, is this: “Look at what you can improve in your daily life so you can feel better.” It really works. What helped me a lot was buying a motorcycle. I started going on rides and trips, enjoying the driving, taking care of it, fixing it, washing it. After that, I focused on my body: gym and nutrition, to the point where I was thinking all day about what I would eat, what macros it had, and how I could lift more weight.

Even when you find your way, life is still like that. It has its ups and downs. Enjoy the highs and endure the lows, trying to make them as manageable as possible. Everything passes. It’s like a wheel, it keeps turning.

Right now, I take 7OH daily, up to 12.5 mg after work, in 3 to 4 doses of 2.5 mg, and I’m okay with it. At some point I’ll probably get bored of it and stop, or it might get discontinued before that. Before this, I was clean for two years from any substance, except for Xanax, which is prescribed to me at a stable dose of 0.5 mg every night. It has generally helped me and still helps me stay away from other substances, because at the end of the day I know I’ll take it, relax, and sleep.

I wish you all the best, and again, well done. What matters is not how many times you fall, but that you get back up. Respect yourself and hold yourself in high regard, first and foremost for you, not for anyone else.

 

[helpingout]

Well done, sir. Congratulations. It can be done, and you’re doing it.

I personally know three people who became clean from heroin, and it seems like it’s for life. One simply got older and couldn’t continue, though he is on a stable nightly dose of Ativan. Another uses cannabis daily and cocaine from time to time. The third is on an SSRI and may have a line here or there if it’s free.

Life can feel a bit boring sometimes without drugs, but that’s kind of the point. You have to actively do things that make it more interesting and enjoyable, mainly things that don’t destroy you. I mean, if you like to smoke cigarettes or have a bit of whiskey at night, so be it, as long as it’s not catastrophic. By catastrophic, I mean what you described in your post: being sick, depending on a dealer for your next dose, and generally having your life fall apart.

Opioid use can lower your hormones, so it’s worth getting a blood test. If your testosterone is low, treat it. You’ll feel much better. Start running or go to the gym, especially running, it feels really good. In general, don’t stay stagnant. Any ideas that come to your mind that might be interesting hobbies or activities, try them. Cook good food, have a nice drink, go buy some clothes, watch a series, play video games, take a trip you’ve always wanted. Make your life as interesting and enjoyable as you can.

One piece of advice I was given when I was feeling low, and that I still follow, is this: “Look at what you can improve in your daily life so you can feel better.” It really works. What helped me a lot was buying a motorcycle. I started going on rides and trips, enjoying the driving, taking care of it, fixing it, washing it. After that, I focused on my body: gym and nutrition, to the point where I was thinking all day about what I would eat, what macros it had, and how I could lift more weight.

Even when you find your way, life is still like that. It has its ups and downs. Enjoy the highs and endure the lows, trying to make them as manageable as possible. Everything passes. It’s like a wheel, it keeps turning.

Right now, I take 7OH daily, up to 12.5 mg after work, in 3 to 4 doses of 2.5 mg, and I’m okay with it. At some point I’ll probably get bored of it and stop, or it might get discontinued before that. Before this, I was clean for two years from any substance, except for Xanax, which is prescribed to me at a stable dose of 0.5 mg every night. It has generally helped me and still helps me stay away from other substances, because at the end of the day I know I’ll take it, relax, and sleep.

I wish you all the best, and again, well done. What matters is not how many times you fall, but that you get back up. Respect yourself and hold yourself in high regard, first and foremost for you, not for anyone else.

Thank Cnnka. I’m doing my best. Things are getting better. I think you might be right about the test thing because when I take Ashwaghanda I feel a little better usually and I think it raises testosterone somewhat. I don’t think I’m that low but I do think I’m not at like normal levels. My hair is kinda coming back so I think that it’s possible I’m lower test than I was. I’ll try to build in some physical activity because mostly this bad feeling has happened since they took
Me off pick walking at Wally World and put me on dispensing. I think I do a lot better when I am picking than dispensing. The activity is good for me. Walking eight miles a day is probably good for anyone. Bending and stretching. Dispensing f kinda sucks but I raise the morale in there and customers like me a ton. I’ve got to do more for my recovery tho. I have a gym membership. I just need to go. I’ll find the will somehow.