General feelings of not wanting to be here

[washingtonbound]

I'm not suicidal, but I've been thinking a lot lately about how there isn't much that excites or engages me enough to really make the days worth it. I remind myself to have gratitude for having caring parents and not being in a bad situation financially, but still I find myself feeling this way often. I used to think that getting a job would solve the boredom and restlessness I felt being unemployed. After getting a job, I am just as bored and restless there or more so. I don't particularly enjoy being around people, only having a decent interaction every once in a while, and they are always one on one rather than in groups. My body is noticeably becoming more stiff after having two back operations before I'd turned twenty. I'm 31 now and cannot sit for extended periods.

Anyway, it feels like I'm in a weird transitionary phase where I'm paying the price for a decade of substance abuse, but I realize that working doesn't fulfill me much at all. On the flip slide, collecting social security and being financially dependent on family in my 30s makes me feel inadequate and worthless. I feel very unfulfilled in the working world as well as sitting around doing nothing or trying to engage in hobbies that don't excite me much anymore. Social isolation is becoming more pronounced, no romantic prospects to speak of, mostly just feel agitation around people. I realize a lot of this has to do with mental instability and isn't always an accurate representation of the environment. But regardless, the isolation persists due to the discomfort.

We are also witnessing a total clown show now globally, hearing about the AI bullshit all time, junk all over the internet, losers posting WW3 memes thinking they are being cool and edgy. I would just like to shut it all off. More time online definitely equals more misanthropic feelings for me, therefore I'm working on staying off of it.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

It’s hard to stay positive with all of the chaos that is happening in our world and all around us. There is an enormous amount of tension because of the headlines and social media that seems to effecting everyone.

Humans are social creatures and we feel what other people feel around us. It’s hard to escape the negativity that is generated by each and every one of us. A lot of people are noticing this in their own lives and wellbeing so you’re not alone.

It is becoming epidemic and there doesn’t seem to have a way out of it if we are constantly exposed to it because it is all around us.

 

[PtahTek]

every

single

day

love the fate, right?

u not alone in this.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

People choose the life they live are more accurately we choose the way we respond to life's comedy show. Have you ever detached yourself from life's drama, viewing the mechanics of everyday events in third person as an observer. You observe life without being caught up in life's drama and the drama of people doing life. It's like having a secret weapon that only you know about.

 

[HeadphonesandLSD]

It's normal to feel the way you do when the world is the way it is. It's by design. You're a slave and so are the rest of us. The only reason I'm still here is that I'm too afraid of the unknown and don't want to make people around me sad. Everyday, I secretly wish that something random will happen that will kill me without causing too much pain. Something quick and painless.

I've felt this way a long time. Since I was a teenager. I used to (and sometimes still do) go out late at night when no one else is on the road and drive my car and bike as fast as I can on mountain passes and horribly maintained back roads. I know every inch of them since I've been doing it off and on for over two decades now. Many times I should have died but somehow I always recovered when I did go into a corner too fast. I'm convinced I've probably died multiple times by now without realizing it and I keep getting sent back to the last save point or something like that. I think we're put here to suffer. I don't think the world was always like this but I think it has been for at least the past 12,000-odd years or so.

One time I loaded up a 12-gauge shotgun with 00 buckshot. Stuck it in my mouth and pressed the trigger with my big toe. Got a click instead of a boom. I got scared and put the gun away without unloading it. The next morning I took it outside and fired it. Same gun, same shell, gun went boom. Its gone boom every other time I've used it.

One time I allowed my roommate's shady friend spend the night in our apartment because he gave us a sob story about his girlfriend kicking him out for the night. I woke up the next morning to him holding me a gun point. He held us hostage for over an hour while he went through my bedroom looking for cash to steal. There was no cash in the house. He pointed it at me in anger, saw him pull the trigger, saw a flash. Then next thing I knew I was still sitting in the room with him and he was casually going through my desk.

One time I swallowed about 30mg of xanax because I wanted to sleep forever. Crushed up 50mg roxicodone pills and mixed it with an entire Opana ER (which I would normally only ever take tiny pieces of because it was so strong). I remember nodding off in my recliner. Came to several times fighting to breath every 30 minutes-1 hour (could tell how much time was passing because the TV was on and I knew the schedule for Adult Swim). Around 3-4am many hours later I woke up in my Grandparent's backyard staring at the night sky. A 3 mile walk as the crow flies. Who knows if I blacked out and sought out help or just teleported then. I lean towards the latter.

One time I forgot where I was on a trail while riding my ATV. Went down a large hill you'd normally take in 1st gear in 5th gear. Downshifted and somehow made the first turn of two. Back wheels caught a large tree root in the short section between the two turns. Remember going down the hill between trees and getting airborne. Remember feeling my leg get crushed between the tree and the gas tank of the ATV. Horrible pain just before I saw a white flash which I assume was my head hitting said tree. Then next thing I knew I was sitting halfway up the hill on the ground by that tree root like I'd gotten tossed off the back of the ATV. ATV was hung up in a tree way down the hill sitting 2-3 feet off the ground. No idea what happened there.

There were other times but you get the point...

I don't know wtf this place is but it seems like the Matrix to me. I've been searching for a way out for a long time now. Dying doesn't seem to be an option. I really believe in the whole multi-verse thing these days. I figure I'm stuck in here with all of you until whatever is in charge of this place decides I've suffered enough.

I think maybe those monks have the right idea and you have to starve yourself while doing intense meditation or something like that. To me it doesn't seem like ending things prematurly is an option.

I'm not trying to encourage suicide or anything. Usually, no one will listen when you want to discuss it anyway. It's like the ultimate taboo. Just know that most of us want out like you do because this place is a horrible prison. Which is why even people with all the money you could ever want who have the option to do most anything they desire take themseleves out of the game all of the time.

These days I try to prepare for the day when my time comes because the last thing I want is to get tricked into coming back here. Each day that passes it's a little harder to find the will to continue living. I won't bore you with my problems. They boil down to the usual things: chronic pain, body falling apart, most things I desire out of reach and almost impossible to find anyone else that "gets it" or wants to do anything to change things so things can get better for everyone. We aren't supposed to live the way we do. Almost everything real is gone now. Even the food isn't real anymore. I'm not sure why most people seem to be okay with how things are going.

I mainly continue to exist here because I'm interested in seeing just how bad things will get before everyone goes insane. Every time I feel like I'm finally taking a step forward towards happiness three things happen that set me back. It doesn't matter what I do most of the time. I'm bored, I'm in pain and I can't stand the things going on around me. The worse part of it all is the people I care the most about don't seem like they'll ever get it. I'm not sure why they're so easily amused and think they can buy happiness (or buy me happiness). It's like they're blind and stupid sometimes. I suppose I'd be more content with how things are if I was as easily amused as they are with the magic show we see happening before us everyday on the screens.

I used to think if I worked hard and aquired enough money that I would become happy. Now I can't stand the concept of money itself. I don't want to contribute to a system that enslaves everyone I know. I could have sold out years ago and made millions easily. But every option I can see that would bring me more money would only end up causing more suffering for other people.

I can't eat anymore without feeling bad because I know multiple people, animals and plants suffered before the food found its way to my plate.

I'm too smart for my own good and there are questions I probably shouldn't have tried to seek out answers to. I never find a good answer to those questions. They've only ever led to more questions. I guess it's true what they say: Ignorance is bliss. I wish I was dumber or had more power to fight back.

I only started asking those questions because I cared about the people around me. At least that's what I told myself. But now I just want to know the answers because I'm too damn curious. I sought the answers to those questions through various methods and substances. I haven't come up with any good answers yet.

 

[washingtonbound]

It’s hard to stay positive with all of the chaos that is happening in our world and all around us. There is an enormous amount of tension because of the headlines and social media that seems to effecting everyone.

Humans are social creatures and we feel what other people feel around us. It’s hard to escape the negativity that is generated by each and every one of us. A lot of people are noticing this in their own lives and wellbeing so you’re not alone.

It is becoming epidemic and there doesn’t seem to have a way out of it if we are constantly exposed to it because it is all around us.

It's normal to feel the way you do when the world is the way it is. It's by design. You're a slave and so are the rest of us. The only reason I'm still here is that I'm too afraid of the unknown and don't want to make people around me sad. Everyday, I secretly wish that something random will happen that will kill me without causing too much pain. Something quick and painless.

I've felt this way a long time. Since I was a teenager. I used to (and sometimes still do) go out late at night when no one else is on the road and drive my car and bike as fast as I can on mountain passes and horribly maintained back roads. I know every inch of them since I've been doing it off and on for over two decades now. Many times I should have died but somehow I always recovered when I did go into a corner too fast. I'm convinced I've probably died multiple times by now without realizing it and I keep getting sent back to the last save point or something like that. I think we're put here to suffer. I don't think the world was always like this but I think it has been for at least the past 12,000-odd years or so.

One time I loaded up a 12-gauge shotgun with 00 buckshot. Stuck it in my mouth and pressed the trigger with my big toe. Got a click instead of a boom. I got scared and put the gun away without unloading it. The next morning I took it outside and fired it. Same gun, same shell, gun went boom. Its gone boom every other time I've used it.

One time I allowed my roommate's shady friend spend the night in our apartment because he gave us a sob story about his girlfriend kicking him out for the night. I woke up the next morning to him holding me a gun point. He held us hostage for over an hour while he went through my bedroom looking for cash to steal. There was no cash in the house. He pointed it at me in anger, saw him pull the trigger, saw a flash. Then next thing I knew I was still sitting in the room with him and he was casually going through my desk.

One time I swallowed about 30mg of xanax because I wanted to sleep forever. Crushed up 50mg roxicodone pills and mixed it with an entire Opana ER (which I would normally only ever take tiny pieces of because it was so strong). I remember nodding off in my recliner. Came to several times fighting to breath every 30 minutes-1 hour (could tell how much time was passing because the TV was on and I knew the schedule for Adult Swim). Around 3-4am many hours later I woke up in my Grandparent's backyard staring at the night sky. A 3 mile walk as the crow flies. Who knows if I blacked out and sought out help or just teleported then. I lean towards the latter.

One time I forgot where I was on a trail while riding my ATV. Went down a large hill you'd normally take in 1st gear in 5th gear. Downshifted and somehow made the first turn of two. Back wheels caught a large tree root in the short section between the two turns. Remember going down the hill between trees and getting airborne. Remember feeling my leg get crushed between the tree and the gas tank of the ATV. Horrible pain just before I saw a white flash which I assume was my head hitting said tree. Then next thing I knew I was sitting halfway up the hill on the ground by that tree root like I'd gotten tossed off the back of the ATV. ATV was hung up in a tree way down the hill sitting 2-3 feet off the ground. No idea what happened there.

There were other times but you get the point...

I don't know wtf this place is but it seems like the Matrix to me. I've been searching for a way out for a long time now. Dying doesn't seem to be an option. I really believe in the whole multi-verse thing these days. I figure I'm stuck in here with all of you until whatever is in charge of this place decides I've suffered enough.

I think maybe those monks have the right idea and you have to starve yourself while doing intense meditation or something like that. To me it doesn't seem like ending things prematurly is an option.

I'm not trying to encourage suicide or anything. Usually, no one will listen when you want to discuss it anyway. It's like the ultimate taboo. Just know that most of us want out like you do because this place is a horrible prison. Which is why even people with all the money you could ever want who have the option to do most anything they desire take themseleves out of the game all of the time.

These days I try to prepare for the day when my time comes because the last thing I want is to get tricked into coming back here. Each day that passes it's a little harder to find the will to continue living. I won't bore you with my problems. They boil down to the usual things: chronic pain, body falling apart, most things I desire out of reach and almost impossible to find anyone else that "gets it" or wants to do anything to change things so things can get better for everyone. We aren't supposed to live the way we do. Almost everything real is gone now. Even the food isn't real anymore. I'm not sure why most people seem to be okay with how things are going.

I mainly continue to exist here because I'm interested in seeing just how bad things will get before everyone goes insane. Every time I feel like I'm finally taking a step forward towards happiness three things happen that set me back. It doesn't matter what I do most of the time. I'm bored, I'm in pain and I can't stand the things going on around me. The worse part of it all is the people I care the most about don't seem like they'll ever get it. I'm not sure why they're so easily amused and think they can buy happiness (or buy me happiness). It's like they're blind and stupid sometimes. I suppose I'd be more content with how things are if I was as easily amused as they are with the magic show we see happening before us everyday on the screens.

I used to think if I worked hard and aquired enough money that I would become happy. Now I can't stand the concept of money itself. I don't want to contribute to a system that enslaves everyone I know. I could have sold out years ago and made millions easily. But every option I can see that would bring me more money would only end up causing more suffering for other people.

I can't eat anymore without feeling bad because I know multiple people, animals and plants suffered before the food found its way to my plate.

I'm too smart for my own good and there are questions I probably shouldn't have tried to seek out answers to. I never find a good answer to those questions. They've only ever led to more questions. I guess it's true what they say: Ignorance is bliss. I wish I was dumber or had more power to fight back.

I only started asking those questions because I cared about the people around me. At least that's what I told myself. But now I just want to know the answers because I'm too damn curious. I sought the answers to those questions through various methods and substances. I haven't come up with any good answers yet.

You sound very similar to me and like you probably struggle with the empaths dilemma. I also think you’re 100 percent right that suicide is not the easy way out and would likely land you in a worse situation, as sick as this game is. I figured if I went through it, I would end up reincarnated in South Sudan or somewhere in a much worse situation. Also I wouldn’t want to put that burden on my family like you said.

I get disgusted by how people are not sensitive or genuine. The amount I’ve seen of people celebrating the US/Israel attacks has been appalling. I don’t think the Iran leader was a good guy but it’s highly disrespectful to be celebrating other people’s suffering so blatantly. Not to rant but I saw some of that yesterday and was just repulsed. I currently do not have friends and have been getting a lot more sick of people in general lately.

 

[washingtonbound]

People choose the life they live are more accurately we choose the way we respond to life's comedy show. Have you ever detached yourself from life's drama, viewing the mechanics of everyday events in third person as an observer. You observe life without being caught up in life's drama and the drama of people doing life. It's like having a secret weapon that only you know about.

I understand what you’re saying but I think having empathy can make it difficult to shut it off entirely. I don’t like to feel like I’m being too indifferent to the hell other people are dealing with.

 

[M!$TER-ED]

I understand what you’re saying but I think having empathy can make it difficult to shut it off entirely. I don’t like to feel like I’m being too indifferent to the hell other people are dealing with.

On the contrary, your prime objective and concern above all is you. Your life, how you feel and everything associated with you is your responsibility, it's not your neighbors, not your family, no one else is responsible for you except you.
Empathy can be good sometimes, but that is not your main function. Take care of your own business and I assure you that everyone is doing the same for themselves.
Turn off your touchy feely emotions for a while, step back, reassess and ground yourself in your world. You survive because although humans are social creatures we are still part of the animal kingdom. Our primary function is to survive, if the world is getting you down do what it takes to remove yourself from danger.

Become a hermit, choose a mountain and live in a cave. Live off the land and off grid, good you are alone. but you have not escaped from the world, you're still here. But it's not the news or social media causing you distress, it's who we are that we cannot escape from. Everyone is different yet we are the same by some degree. We live in challenging times, and because these things are affecting our health and wellbeing, we must do what we have always done in the past....learn how to cope. We reinvent ways to survive and be happy when everything is a shit-show.

Try something new, something that is of interest to you. I was 70 yrs old when I got my open-water, dry suit and nitrox scuba certifications. It took 3 years because I had gall bladder surgery and northeast US has cold winters that impact scuba diving availability. I consider that was time and effort well spent. Ironically, I injured my back and the day I passed certification I had to stop diving and sold all my diving gear. You may think what a waste of time and money, but I don't see it that way. I started out doing something that was meaningful to me and I completed all of the requirements for certification from beginning to end. I accomplished what I set out to do, this tells me I can do anything I set my mind to, even now at age 72.

Confidence is something you earn by doing, what do you want to succeed at that you set aside or try something new? Learn a trade, further your education, hell go mountain climbing. The world is a big place with lots of things to do. Find your joy.

 

[Opana313]

I wouldn't worry much about being indifferent to other people and their ordeal. You seem to already have a firm connection to your inner intuition and yeah, it hurts when it seems like you must accept or carry that energy /drains yours. Reminds me of The Green Mile movie.

Also damn talk about every box being checked as far as depression, anger, or appears to be grim ALL BECAUSE of technology and today's current events. I feel this 100% & feel we must collectively as a whole - need to proactively strive towards doing the right thing.

I do agree that we are the things inside our planetary consciousness so to speak. Like the best living organism in the world and we are all awakening to become one with the stars.. idk I'm losing all the wording I had for some peculiar reason but yeah man FUCK all the hate and fuck war. People are suffering. This just needs to change. I also agree with what another said about we are NOT supposed to live in this manner, I have always felt this way but now more than ever..I feel like my own choice of food is legit poisonous..

I hope things start looking better for you as well my dude.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

I feel this way, but I assume it's getting older. Has nothing to do with 'substance abuse". I've been on drugs for the last 25 years and only started feeling this bad in the past 5+ years.

Just 10 years ago, life still had "magic", spontaneous things would happen, good drugs around (especially heroin). My mom was a live & healthy.
Yeah shit got boring once in awhile, but life always managed to find a way to surprise me again.

But then my mom died in 2021 & I started approaching 40. And now every day is literally the same. I had more friends in small town IA than I do now in the city I'm living (unless you count meth head tweakers trying to sleep with me as 'friends'). Nothing changes. Nothing ever happens anymore. Drugs are fleeting if I do come across them (easy to find meth heads, but that's about it). Everything sucks. The world sucks. I have a lot to be grateful for too, but gratitude doesn't stop the boredom or the feelings of emptiness & inability to enjoy anything more.

Sure, "life is what you make it", but you can't really "make it" into anything you want without money, connections, etc..

So I feel like I'm just waiting to get older & sick & then died & that's all that's left.

 

[washingtonbound]

I feel this way, but I assume it's getting older. Has nothing to do with 'substance abuse". I've been on drugs for the last 25 years and only started feeling this bad in the past 5+ years.

Just 10 years ago, life still had "magic", spontaneous things would happen, good drugs around (especially heroin). My mom was a live & healthy.
Yeah shit got boring once in awhile, but life always managed to find a way to surprise me again.

But then my mom died in 2021 & I started approaching 40. And now every day is literally the same. I had more friends in small town IA than I do now in the city I'm living (unless you count meth head tweakers trying to sleep with me as 'friends'). Nothing changes. Nothing ever happens anymore. Drugs are fleeting if I do come across them (easy to find meth heads, but that's about it). Everything sucks. The world sucks. I have a lot to be grateful for too, but gratitude doesn't stop the boredom or the feelings of emptiness & inability to enjoy anything more.

Sure, "life is what you make it", but you can't really "make it" into anything you want without money, connections, etc..

So I feel like I'm just waiting to get older & sick & then died & that's all that's left.

The everyday is the same thing has been hitting me hard recently. I was a substance abuser from 19 to 28 pretty heavily. Not exactly with one addiction in particular, with the exception of nicotine and probably weed at certain points, but with a binge use issue and psychosis problems. That being said I had good moments in between all of it. In the last couple years since I’ve been sober, the extreme monotony of life has been wearing me down. Just got laid off of a job today I’d only had for three weeks but I hated it anyway. People have ripped me off more times than I can count. I’m also just waiting for the ride to be over.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

The everyday is the same thing has been hitting me hard recently.

Same here!
I use to have these "every day is the same" moments when I was younger, but they always ended after a little while. I always had active people in my life to do things with. But it's a lot harder to make friends or find anyone to do shit with when you're 40, versus being 27. A lot of the 'novelty' in things is gone.

Sure I could think of a billion novel things I'd love to go do or experience, but all of them require ridiculous amounts of money or connections. Neither of which can be acquired easily or quickly. So I've just succumbed to the monotony. Feels like time is moving faster because every day is literally the same, so all of my days just blur together now.

For the last like 15-20 years of my moms life, all she did was sit on the couch & watch TV. She didn't go anywhere, she didn't have any friends, no money to do anything else except the same shit over & over until the day she passed. And now I ironically see the very same thing happening to me.

Maybe the getting laid off part will turn out to be a blessing in disguise since you hated the job anyway!

 

[ledbyher]

most days i just want to smoke cutta and don't feel i will survive making the big life changes i want to do in order to move forward and progress in life. i don't feel safe or capable right now.

 

[ledbyher]

 

[placebonaut]

I'm not suicidal, but I've been thinking a lot lately about how there isn't much that excites or engages me enough to really make the days worth it. I remind myself to have gratitude for having caring parents and not being in a bad situation financially, but still I find myself feeling this way often. I used to think that getting a job would solve the boredom and restlessness I felt being unemployed. After getting a job, I am just as bored and restless there or more so. I don't particularly enjoy being around people, only having a decent interaction every once in a while, and they are always one on one rather than in groups. My body is noticeably becoming more stiff after having two back operations before I'd turned twenty. I'm 31 now and cannot sit for extended periods.

this sounds a lot like me, I've recently started to wonder if I have ADHD, there's a higher % of people with ADHD using drugs, and having recently researched it for myself it might be worth you having a bit of read to see if other things gel with how you think and act.

this is all new to me so can't offer any advice myself, I'm awaiting a test to see if I am

 

[washingtonbound]

Same here!
I use to have these "every day is the same" moments when I was younger, but they always ended after a little while. I always had active people in my life to do things with. But it's a lot harder to make friends or find anyone to do shit with when you're 40, versus being 27. A lot of the 'novelty' in things is gone.

Sure I could think of a billion novel things I'd love to go do or experience, but all of them require ridiculous amounts of money or connections. Neither of which can be acquired easily or quickly. So I've just succumbed to the monotony. Feels like time is moving faster because every day is literally the same, so all of my days just blur together now.

For the last like 15-20 years of my moms life, all she did was sit on the couch & watch TV. She didn't go anywhere, she didn't have any friends, no money to do anything else except the same shit over & over until the day she passed. And now I ironically see the very same thing happening to me.

Maybe the getting laid off part will turn out to be a blessing in disguise since you hated the job anyway!

My dad actually just passed away today from kidney failure. I hadn’t really been in contact with him because he thought of me as a junkie especially after I made some YouTube videos talking about how substance abuse had affected my life. He really wasn’t the nicest guy but it is a weird feeling and got me thinking about how he passed while I was still a loser collecting social security and couldn’t support myself.

Not the most pleasant day, you mentioned how your mom passed and I imagine that would be devastating. Right now I’m actually feeling more like a loser than anything, he wouldn’t have wanted to see me get fired. I didn’t say anything about that obviously when I called him on his deathbed, as I’m out of the country.

 

[kris66]

My dad actually just passed away today from kidney failure. I hadn’t really been in contact with him because he thought of me as a junkie especially after I made some YouTube videos talking about how substance abuse had affected my life. He really wasn’t the nicest guy but it is a weird feeling and got me thinking about how he passed while I was still a loser collecting social security and couldn’t support myself.

Not the most pleasant day, you mentioned how your mom passed and I imagine that would be devastating. Right now I’m actually feeling more like a loser than anything, he wouldn’t have wanted to see me get fired. I didn’t say anything about that obviously when I called him on his deathbed, as I’m out of the country.

I’m sorry to hear about your father. It can still be difficult even if your relationship with your parent wasn’t what you would have wished it to be. It’s not unusual to feel guilt when a parent or family member passes away, but just be reassured our feelings are what they are for a reason, and something that is beyond our control. Sometimes the people in our lives let us down. We can still mourn them, though.

 

[washingtonbound]

I’m sorry to hear about your father. It can still be difficult even if your relationship with your parent wasn’t what you would have wished it to be. It’s not unusual to feel guilt when a parent or family member passes away, but just be reassured our feelings are what they are for a reason, and something that is beyond our control. Sometimes the people in our lives let us down. We can still mourn them, though.

Although he wasn’t too emotional or empathetic, he still paid for my attempts at college, which failed miserably as my substance use intensified, and would have liked to see me do better. I would have liked to have more to show for myself before he passed, regardless of his opinions on me. Feels really weird.

 

[kris66]

Although he wasn’t too emotional or empathetic, he still paid for my attempts at college, which failed miserably as my substance use intensified, and would have liked to see me do better. I would have liked to have more to show for myself before he passed, regardless of his opinions on me. Feels really weird.

I’m glad you got a chance to talk to him before he passed away.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

My dad actually just passed away today from kidney failure. I hadn’t really been in contact with him because he thought of me as a junkie especially after I made some YouTube videos talking about how substance abuse had affected my life. He really wasn’t the nicest guy but it is a weird feeling and got me thinking about how he passed while I was still a loser collecting social security and couldn’t support myself.

Not the most pleasant day, you mentioned how your mom passed and I imagine that would be devastating. Right now I’m actually feeling more like a loser than anything, he wouldn’t have wanted to see me get fired. I didn’t say anything about that obviously when I called him on his deathbed, as I’m out of the country.

Oh man. I am so sorry! That's painful just to hear (i'm pretty empathetic). My mom was pretty tolerant of my drug use, especially my opioid use. In fact, my mom often would say she preferred me on tramadol or heroin rather than drunk. And she'd even help me get stuff. So I couldn't imagine having a parent that felt that way toward me over my use.

I think if your father were to be able to feel your pain & struggles, he would understand & be proud of you regardless. But I get it. I think about it some times what my mom would think of me, but I know she understood the pain & misery I was in. I know she'd want me to do something with the rest of my time here, but I just don't know what. Don't have the energy or motivation to go back to school or do much of anything anymore.

Losing my mom was the worst thing that's happened to me, I'd say. I went on a months long meth binge & just totally tried to not think about her or death or anything. Figured my mom is gone & we're all gonna die, so might as well self-destruct. But it eventually caught up with me & I had to stop & realize that she was truly gone & that I needed to still carry on with the rest of my life. She wouldn't want me feeling sad & mopey about her all the time.

She died on Mother's Day too, so that didn't help things. Ironically I heard my father died the following month after my mom. Even though he was never a part of my life (some family friends know him & his family tho), it was still strange to see he died right after my mom.

I won't lie or sugarcoat things & say it gets better or easier or anything either. You just learn to adapt & keep pushing forward. It felt like a huge part of me died along with my mom.

In the end, just remember to live life for yourself & that you don't need to do anything to make anyone else happy or proud or anything. We're all gonna die in the end, so I think our parents would just want us to be happy. It takes a lot of strength to go through what you've been through, so any decent parent would just hope their child is taken care of & happy, rather than them having to do anything to make them proud.

I still have many days where I think about my mom. Certain smells will take me back to a time & place when life was good & my mom was alive & the world ahead of me still looked exciting. I get stuck in lots of nostalgia now. Or I was anyways. It's been about 4-5 years since she passed & some of my memories & feelings I use to get from thinking about my mom or thinking about memories of good times are starting to fade & become harder to feel & remember, which is what bugs me the most. Hard to explain. Like I use to get flashbacks of comfy memories whenever I'd smell lavender oil or something. And this nostalgia was at least comforting in some way. But as the years have gone by now, it's gotten hard to feel connected to anything or feel nostalgia or anything like that. Really subjective, but maybe somebody else out there knows what I mean.

I also have days where I'll remember a time I yelled at my mom or wasn't nice to her & wish i could take it back. But I'm hoping in the end, she understood it all & we can't change the past.

Hang in there & feel free to hit me up if you need any one to talk to!