Fucking benzos. I was taking so high dosages, that my psychiatrist told me 'youre going to the rehab for 2 months and they will keep lower you dosage, or I'm cutting you off from all of the benzos and you can rehab yourself at home, you can come only when you'll be in really bad shape, but even tho you won't any benzos anymore, xanax especially'. I choose home rehab because I didn't go to the fucking hospital rehab. I jut couldn't not working for 2 months, so he gave me one month sick leave. First days weren't that bad, i had anxiety, i felt uncomfortable all the time. Hell came when rests of the benzo left my body. That was my private help. I was constantly week, I was sweating as fuck after 100 m walk, or i started to sweat like wild just sitting or trying to read the book. Anxiety was horror, i had sleep paralysis all the time, i was falling into panic-anxiety attacks doing basic things, stated to sweat, couldn't breathe properly, and I had to come back to bed asap. I could fall asleep, and even if i did it somehow i had sleep paralysis a few times as i said, after that i had horrible panic attack. I felt watched all the time, was sure that i saw something passing by ty corner on my eye. I heard whispers, and when i tried to listem then more carefully they were disappearing, Every morning i was woking up with horrible calf cramp, I had mioclonies, but i was taking epilepsy meds so they were saving me from seizures. I had problems with eating anything, because i had to vomit right after or i had to take a shit 15 minutes later, after that i always had horrible stomach pain, i had something like ringing in my ears, when i had to go out of my room i had a big problem because every other room in an apartment im renting with roomies was to light and i felt like im observed. When I was trying to do anything, just to stop suffering like this, I couldn't, because my brain was begging me for benzo by remanding me the worst, the most embarrassing moments, just to make me feel like shit and cause panic and anxiety, trying to force me to get any benzo. Plus this weird black think I was keep passing with the corner of my eyeas. I was going through derealizations, depersonalizations. I was afraid to take the shower, because i started to feel week immediately, and this dark thoughts were following me all the time. I thought im losing my mind. Once , like between 2/3 week i went to take a coffe with my colleague, he knew that im on home rehab from benzo. When he saw me, even if i put some make up, he told me I look like death. Seeing someone was quite good to me, and silenced(with my force) ll of this weird shit, but right after came back home my body was shaking i couldn't even unzip my jeans, I started to sweat so much, that my clothes sticked to my body, and then my brain attacked me again but with double power(i guess keep ignoring and fighting it when i met my friend) I thought I'm gonna loose my shit this evening, i was almost sure, that i'll start to climb a fucking walls or do anything for just one pill of xanax. I Was laying in my bed and i was screaming to my pillows because I felt like my head its going to explode from the thinking and flashbacks i couldn't stop. I took more sick leave because to weak to go to work. I had the days when i was just walking around my room, because I just had to move. This story is way much longer, but I dont want to share some things. Don't take banzo and avoid xanax especialy, kids!