The Struggle Ends?

Keif' Richards

Keif' Richards

Moderator: BDD, OD
Staff member
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
8,418
Location
Lowell/Charlestown, Massachusetts
Hello cretans of Bluelight, friends and romans all.

As many of you know, this past month has been some of the biggest bullshit I´ve faced in recent memory. It is no doubt the worst situation I´ve been in since getting sober. When I was using, I´d be in this situation every day of my life it seemed.

After taking one job, being screwed out of a paycheck and being forced to work for a convenience store and then UPS, I am proud to say I have been offered a job in my field. I am going to be managing the overnight shift at a youth shelter here in Burlington. It really is one of the best jobs I could have possibly gotten. It feels like a bit of divine intervention. They operate a shelter and a drop-in center. They´re aware that I´m pretty much destitute as I explained my situation with my last employer and they were understanding. There is a possibility for help with housing. At the very least it will be benefits and an (almost) livable wage.

I am in the home stretch of all of this. Every day has been a different challenge that has reminded me of all that I have/had to be grateful for in this world. To have love, shelter, food and my health... it seems like a distant memory. It´s amazing what constant stress can do to your body. I´ve got a constant feeling of tension that is only alleviated by hearing about this job. There is a light at the end of this fucked up tunnel.

I will be working and living with youths under the age of 22 who are homeless. I have always loved working with kids which is why I became a teacher in the first place. My years of personal experience with addiction and my time with Bluelight makes me specially-geared to be able to help some of these wayward youths. I have very high hopes that I will be able to enrich their lives and them enrich mine.

I have a couple of weeks at least until I can get my health insurance. Today´s struggle, I am required to see my doctor to get new scripts for all of my medications. The psychiatrist alone is 100 bucks up front. Then I have to pay for these prescriptions. It´s been two days since I haven´t had any Gabapentin one day without Clonidine and Methadone will be a problem soon. I have lupus and I take a biologic for my arthritis. My body is locked up like a rusty piece of farm machinery when i wake up in the morning.

I have significant fears that I will not be able to figure out this issue. This leaves me two choices, withdraw from everything then attempt to start this job fresh or do something like panhandle to get the required funds. I have to say, at this point in my life, I´m gettting to a point where I´m not above panhandling if that´s what it takes to fix my life. I can´t believe it, but it is hard times right now.

I´ve been able to figure out so many things this past month that I thought I wouldn´t be able to. I´ve been blessed with fortune, as I´ve seen how I could´ve been swallowed up by poverty on multiple occasions. Being dependent upon substances sucks, whether you´re ¨sober¨ or not. In times of plenty, I never had to consider these things. They were ¨givens¨ in my life. I never thought I would ever be in a position where I couldn´t just get my refills. Now I see this as my last obstacle to actually succeeding.

I am calling around to all of the nonprofits in the area. They are all inundated with requests. I keep my hopes up that there is someone I called who will call me back from the state or one of these random non-profits I´ve contacted.

I´m a person who suffered a pretty sudden and unexpected life circumstance. In this state, there is so much help available for those who have absolutely nothing. I don´t want their help to be taken away, but shit, it´d be nice if there were even a little bit of help available to us working folk who run into trouble in their lives. I continue to investigate. The issue is that, as my withdrawal progresses, I´m less and less effective, physically and mentally. I´m racing against the clock to figure this last bit out.

I´d love to be able to walk into my new job not a sweaty, nervous, sketchy mess. My fear is that I´m already seeing how I´m set up for another failure by not having the medication. I can already see how this could end with me not being able to do the job or making a terrible first impression. I honestly feel a bit like a rat in a cage. I haven´t really had to withdraw like this for a long time and it brings me right back to being a junkie which is a shitty feeling.

So, case in point, we have some really good news. This could be the end of all of this. Then there is of course, one last boss battle before I can walk in there with my head held high. Wish me luck everybody. I´ve already resigned myself to flying a sign outside if that´s what it takes. I´m 100% determined not to fuck up. I´m grateful for the job. Grateful fo my friends on Bluelight. I´m grateful to have a sponsor who can keep me grounded. I hope everyone is having a good year thus far. Until next time.
 
You have my support. Sometimes the demons we imagine as our greatest obstacles turn out to be less threatening in real life. The human spirit is strong and resilient and I believe you want this bad enough that you will make it happen for you. Honesty is the best policy, have you been offered the position? If you have it is best to let your employer know your situation and maybe they can help you navigate the system for your medication. Do you have a starting date?
 
Hey @M!$TER-ED thanks for the reply. I don't yet have a start date, just a tentative 2-3 weeks. Yes they have offered me the position. Everything in my life is so high-stakes right now. This other job not working out took a bad situation and made it nearly catastrophic. I was lucky to be able to find this one and be hired so quickly. That's one of the little miracles of this situation. Once I am working again, that is pretty much the end of this whole situation. Yes, finding a PERMANENT place to live in this city is always a struggle, but that's small potatoes compared to the rest of my life shit.

I had no illusions that striking out on my own on a moment's notice would be more expensive then staying at that house, but I was totally bitchslapped by how truly expensive it was. I made poor decisions like getting airbnb's when I could. That was when I still considered myself "above" anything less than being in a place with electicity, a shower and a door that locks. If I had had the mindset I have now when I first took those steps out of the house, things could be easier now. I've done all the stupid shit. I've overdrafted my bank 3 separate times to pay for things I "had" to pay for, infected tooth removal is one. The pain got better for a bit, but I've now discovered I need a root canal on an adjacent tooth and I've only paid them half up front for the first one. That tooth is gonna hurt worse and worse, so it's not an optional procedure. Public dentists are scheduling out too far.

I've been juggling these prescriptions, getting emergency fills, once essentially bullshitting a pharmacist out of desperation, now said pharmacist is not wanting to be understanding toward me for obvious reasons. It's weird how when you tell people you have no money, even int this current climate, they look at you like you have two heads. "Well don't you have any money at all? None in your savings? Can you give us a credit card then?" It's like, look, for right now, I'm destitute, I can't pay your copay, can't pay for the prescriptions, what am I supposed to do? In Vermont, you're in between a rock and a hard place if you were previously making decent money and run into hardship. They pool your previous 3 quarters of earnings.

I pay 100 bucks every other month to see my psychiatrist since I lose my insurance due to my job. She already had me on "pay at the time of service" due to the last appointment and she is not gonna write a script until she gets something.

I can't tell if I'm actually close to getting out of this or if I'm stuck in a time loop of constantly failing and going back to the beginning. Just doing it once makes this whole phase of my life seem nearly infinite. You see all of these expenses? I have to admit I took many of them for granted. See, I never had time paying for them. I was working, could cover my bills and maybe have enough to go out to eat afterward. Again, stepping out of that house that day, I thought I could handle it.

The job has to work out, as the hole only gets deeper every day. It's not just finances. It's getting help from my AA people. Storing things at their house, getting a free meal every once in a while, I guess... sympathy in general runs out doesn't it. The constant worry is that my identity crosses that line from "deserving of sympathy" to "loser by nature". I have to admit, not doing the work I love, being beat, withdrawing, it's fucking hard. This job working out is my last chance to get out of this before complete financial ruin, no money for doctors or medication, withdrawing from these things in an unstable environment surrounded be extremely powerful, cheap drugs.

It's gotta work out. I as always appreciate everyone taking the time to read my stupid yarn. I think I'm one of those fucked up people who finds a strange solace in being reduced to nothing. I always felt like nothing. I guess I've spent my whole life in trying to get better, trying to convince myself that I'm worthy. It's amazing how easy that mask can slip right off. It's a brutal reality check in my concept of "sobriety". It's just like when I was using Heroin. Everything is just perfect when you have enough Heroin. Things go from perfect to Hell in a matter of hours though. I'm looking in the mirror and seeing the same ugly mug I looked at for my whole life.
 
Keif' Richards said:
It's amazing how easy that mask can slip right off. It's a brutal reality check in my concept of "sobriety". It's just like when I was using Heroin. Everything is just perfect when you have enough Heroin. Things go from perfect to Hell in a matter of hours though.
Click to expand...
SOunds like you landed a rewarding gig! Perhaps it will make your withdrawal situatiion 5% better if I tell you that I was recently in the hospital for surgery and through their fucking up, I was denied gabapentin and sub for a couple days, and wouldn't you know it, I had no WDs at all!

If you look at a gabapentin group on FB, you would think all hell breaks loose if you try to quit, but I did not have that experience!

Now the methadone, that's a different story...I would prioritize that big-time and not worry about the gaba=p.
 
Keif' Richards said:
Hey @M!$TER-ED thanks for the reply. I don't yet have a start date, just a tentative 2-3 weeks. Yes they have offered me the position. Everything in my life is so high-stakes right now. This other job not working out took a bad situation and made it nearly catastrophic. I was lucky to be able to find this one and be hired so quickly. That's one of the little miracles of this situation. Once I am working again, that is pretty much the end of this whole situation. Yes, finding a PERMANENT place to live in this city is always a struggle, but that's small potatoes compared to the rest of my life shit.

I had no illusions that striking out on my own on a moment's notice would be more expensive then staying at that house, but I was totally bitchslapped by how truly expensive it was. I made poor decisions like getting airbnb's when I could. That was when I still considered myself "above" anything less than being in a place with electicity, a shower and a door that locks. If I had had the mindset I have now when I first took those steps out of the house, things could be easier now. I've done all the stupid shit. I've overdrafted my bank 3 separate times to pay for things I "had" to pay for, infected tooth removal is one. The pain got better for a bit, but I've now discovered I need a root canal on an adjacent tooth and I've only paid them half up front for the first one. That tooth is gonna hurt worse and worse, so it's not an optional procedure. Public dentists are scheduling out too far.

I've been juggling these prescriptions, getting emergency fills, once essentially bullshitting a pharmacist out of desperation, now said pharmacist is not wanting to be understanding toward me for obvious reasons. It's weird how when you tell people you have no money, even int this current climate, they look at you like you have two heads. "Well don't you have any money at all? None in your savings? Can you give us a credit card then?" It's like, look, for right now, I'm destitute, I can't pay your copay, can't pay for the prescriptions, what am I supposed to do? In Vermont, you're in between a rock and a hard place if you were previously making decent money and run into hardship. They pool your previous 3 quarters of earnings.

I pay 100 bucks every other month to see my psychiatrist since I lose my insurance due to my job. She already had me on "pay at the time of service" due to the last appointment and she is not gonna write a script until she gets something.

I can't tell if I'm actually close to getting out of this or if I'm stuck in a time loop of constantly failing and going back to the beginning. Just doing it once makes this whole phase of my life seem nearly infinite. You see all of these expenses? I have to admit I took many of them for granted. See, I never had time paying for them. I was working, could cover my bills and maybe have enough to go out to eat afterward. Again, stepping out of that house that day, I thought I could handle it.

The job has to work out, as the hole only gets deeper every day. It's not just finances. It's getting help from my AA people. Storing things at their house, getting a free meal every once in a while, I guess... sympathy in general runs out doesn't it. The constant worry is that my identity crosses that line from "deserving of sympathy" to "loser by nature". I have to admit, not doing the work I love, being beat, withdrawing, it's fucking hard. This job working out is my last chance to get out of this before complete financial ruin, no money for doctors or medication, withdrawing from these things in an unstable environment surrounded be extremely powerful, cheap drugs.

It's gotta work out. I as always appreciate everyone taking the time to read my stupid yarn. I think I'm one of those fucked up people who finds a strange solace in being reduced to nothing. I always felt like nothing. I guess I've spent my whole life in trying to get better, trying to convince myself that I'm worthy. It's amazing how easy that mask can slip right off. It's a brutal reality check in my concept of "sobriety". It's just like when I was using Heroin. Everything is just perfect when you have enough Heroin. Things go from perfect to Hell in a matter of hours though. I'm looking in the mirror and seeing the same ugly mug I looked at for my whole life.
Click to expand...
Could your doctor give you samples of the gabapentin? Call the makers if Gabapentin and tell them what happened. Sometimes they can help. When I had no insurance I went to a clinic and paid nothing ,that was in California though. How can this shit happen in America? You can also start a good fund me and post it here . There are Rich people that lost houses in California with go fund me accounts . People even make them for thier pets when they need medical help.
 
Hey I´m sorry guys, I have been feeling like absolute shit. I´m still going to work my temp job until my new job starts. I got my first paycheck, but I´d only worked for 16 hours. This got me about 275. That´s 1/2 of the cost of food for the next two weeks. That´s not even eating at the nutritional level I´d like to be. I really find that eating nutritiously has an obvious impact on my arthritis etc. I woke up this morning with my left hand looking like a claw. It makes it hard to type.

I have such a hole to climb out of it seriously is daunting and intimidating. I never stop grinding though. Working at UPS does not require the highest levels of my executive function. I´m doing my best to continue working so that my next paycheck could crerate a serious dent in this situation. I have no idea how, but I owe UVM Medical Center a grand and it´s already in collections so they´re treating me like persona non grata until I make a payment plan and pay 10%, Went to the walk-in clinic to circumvent them. Well the walk in clinic is run by UVM too, so this guy refused to go against his colleagues. I mean, I begged, pleaded and said it could cause me to not be able to work and subsequently ruin my life.

Everytime I might have hae the ability to pay these bills I had to buy food, pay for shelter, buy medicine. When you do not have a kitchen readily available, the cost of food is just insane by comparison. You´ve gotta get more ready-made shit. As you have less and less resources, everything costs more. It´s like th system is designed to take me from poor to the street.

I´m now very close to this job. It eems as if things could work out. The lack of medications is fucking with my head and making me pessimistic. I have tried many avenues in resolving this situation, but like many others, I´m in the position of saying ¨I can´t believe you´re doing this to me?!¨ Im able to buy some of this stuff off the street, but that is yet another cost that should be totally avoided... wasted money.

You can´t help but feel you´re slowly disintegrating. Medication should be as easy as waking up, taking it and goingon with my day. Instead, my life is trying to do my job feeling like shit and then beating the pavement trying to locate what I need, sometimes successfully, other times not.

It is a problem that can only be solved with my return to work at my usual pay rate, full time. Right now, I´ve got it set up so if I pay 10% of the 1,000 I owe UVM they will do me the honor of seeing me. Ive already pumped the pharmacies for emergency supplies. I make 19/hr at UPS and this is my first week doing full time there. My job at the shelter will start at 28, but they pay a 2 dollar differential for overnights, so Iĺl basically be making twice as much. That´s what pisses me off. I´m out here grinding every day and actually looking like I´m gonnna succeed despite the odds, but nobody is interested in my life plan/goals.

This whole exprience has been a true learning experience. I am no doubt stronger than when I started. I keep up with my meetings and they help keep me sane. It is difficult going and engaging though when I feel like shit, but you´ve gotta put one foot in front of the other to suvive, so I never stop walking, even if I feel like I´m doing the zombie shuffle. Someone I once really loved, we had this mantra to always do 1% better than the day before. If you can only do 1%, that´s progress :)

I have Dale now too. Dale is a male name, but applied to a beautiful Quebecois trsansplant to Burlington, it takes on a whole new meaning. This woman drags me to meetings whether I want to or not. I feel so nervous in this withdrawal situation. She has a way of making me feel better that is uncanny. She is so funny and we share the same kind of dark humor that comex with surviving addiction. We are always sitting next to each other. She violates AA protocol by raising her hand and claiming I had a really good point to make on the subject. I ramble for a few minutes. After the meeting is over, I ask her how I did. She tells me I sounded like a dumbass, but that I looked so cute doing it that I might as well have been Voltaire. When she referenced Voltaire in conversation.. I was hooked

While I am feeling afraid of te world, the cold, the people, fearing failure, fearing relapse, fearing complete and utter destitution; She seems to just see through all of it. This chik is beautiful, confident, funny, smart and her style is just so cool, I love it. I feel blessed to have someone so special. It´s been such a hard time. I love my ex so much. I thought we would be together forever. I have no idea what she feels or how she is doing. I just know nothing, so I am doing the only think I can and doing my best to move on. I had never truly been in love before. My heart is a guarded organ. I opened it up completely for the first time in my life. I was rerady for love, what I had been waiting for for so long.

Now, I have an opportunity to date a chick who might actually be that love I have been looking for. Naturally, it is to early to tell anything of that sort. However, lovely Dale makes it on my daily gratitude list. I am so lucky to have met such a cool chick and actually gain her attention.

So I am feeling physically and mentally terrible. However, I have Dale to spend my time with.. She just makes me smile just thinking about her. I´m gonna figure out a way to have medication for my first day at work for my new job. I´m not sure how, but I have fait that the universe hss a plan for me. Even in the midst of these dark feelings, I´m able to envision the future, perhaps a future with a significant other; it´s just enough motivation to keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
 
Keif' Richards said:
Hey I´m sorry guys, I have been feeling like absolute shit. I´m still going to work my temp job until my new job starts. I got my first paycheck, but I´d only worked for 16 hours. This got me about 275. That´s 1/2 of the cost of food for the next two weeks. That´s not even eating at the nutritional level I´d like to be. I really find that eating nutritiously has an obvious impact on my arthritis etc. I woke up this morning with my left hand looking like a claw. It makes it hard to type.

I have such a hole to climb out of it seriously is daunting and intimidating. I never stop grinding though. Working at UPS does not require the highest levels of my executive function. I´m doing my best to continue working so that my next paycheck could crerate a serious dent in this situation. I have no idea how, but I owe UVM Medical Center a grand and it´s already in collections so they´re treating me like persona non grata until I make a payment plan and pay 10%, Went to the walk-in clinic to circumvent them. Well the walk in clinic is run by UVM too, so this guy refused to go against his colleagues. I mean, I begged, pleaded and said it could cause me to not be able to work and subsequently ruin my life.

Everytime I might have hae the ability to pay these bills I had to buy food, pay for shelter, buy medicine. When you do not have a kitchen readily available, the cost of food is just insane by comparison. You´ve gotta get more ready-made shit. As you have less and less resources, everything costs more. It´s like th system is designed to take me from poor to the street.

I´m now very close to this job. It eems as if things could work out. The lack of medications is fucking with my head and making me pessimistic. I have tried many avenues in resolving this situation, but like many others, I´m in the position of saying ¨I can´t believe you´re doing this to me?!¨ Im able to buy some of this stuff off the street, but that is yet another cost that should be totally avoided... wasted money.

You can´t help but feel you´re slowly disintegrating. Medication should be as easy as waking up, taking it and goingon with my day. Instead, my life is trying to do my job feeling like shit and then beating the pavement trying to locate what I need, sometimes successfully, other times not.

It is a problem that can only be solved with my return to work at my usual pay rate, full time. Right now, I´ve got it set up so if I pay 10% of the 1,000 I owe UVM they will do me the honor of seeing me. Ive already pumped the pharmacies for emergency supplies. I make 19/hr at UPS and this is my first week doing full time there. My job at the shelter will start at 28, but they pay a 2 dollar differential for overnights, so Iĺl basically be making twice as much. That´s what pisses me off. I´m out here grinding every day and actually looking like I´m gonnna succeed despite the odds, but nobody is interested in my life plan/goals.

This whole exprience has been a true learning experience. I am no doubt stronger than when I started. I keep up with my meetings and they help keep me sane. It is difficult going and engaging though when I feel like shit, but you´ve gotta put one foot in front of the other to suvive, so I never stop walking, even if I feel like I´m doing the zombie shuffle. Someone I once really loved, we had this mantra to always do 1% better than the day before. If you can only do 1%, that´s progress :)

I have Dale now too. Dale is a male name, but applied to a beautiful Quebecois trsansplant to Burlington, it takes on a whole new meaning. This woman drags me to meetings whether I want to or not. I feel so nervous in this withdrawal situation. She has a way of making me feel better that is uncanny. She is so funny and we share the same kind of dark humor that comex with surviving addiction. We are always sitting next to each other. She violates AA protocol by raising her hand and claiming I had a really good point to make on the subject. I ramble for a few minutes. After the meeting is over, I ask her how I did. She tells me I sounded like a dumbass, but that I looked so cute doing it that I might as well have been Voltaire. When she referenced Voltaire in conversation.. I was hooked

While I am feeling afraid of te world, the cold, the people, fearing failure, fearing relapse, fearing complete and utter destitution; She seems to just see through all of it. This chik is beautiful, confident, funny, smart and her style is just so cool, I love it. I feel blessed to have someone so special. It´s been such a hard time. I love my ex so much. I thought we would be together forever. I have no idea what she feels or how she is doing. I just know nothing, so I am doing the only think I can and doing my best to move on. I had never truly been in love before. My heart is a guarded organ. I opened it up completely for the first time in my life. I was rerady for love, what I had been waiting for for so long.

Now, I have an opportunity to date a chick who might actually be that love I have been looking for. Naturally, it is to early to tell anything of that sort. However, lovely Dale makes it on my daily gratitude list. I am so lucky to have met such a cool chick and actually gain her attention.

So I am feeling physically and mentally terrible. However, I have Dale to spend my time with.. She just makes me smile just thinking about her. I´m gonna figure out a way to have medication for my first day at work for my new job. I´m not sure how, but I have fait that the universe hss a plan for me. Even in the midst of these dark feelings, I´m able to envision the future, perhaps a future with a significant other; it´s just enough motivation to keep putting that one foot in front of the other.
Click to expand...
Sounds like you're in love . The endorphins should help with the arthritis a bit. Maybe you can get off the gabapentin. Its really a bad drug thats giving many dementia it wasn't originally put out for pain but I would imagine you know all this.
 
I´m not ever handing out my love again. It was a stupid thing to do that goes against pretty much everything that has kept me alive in this world. ¨love¨ caused me to leave my comfortable apartment, to sell my bike, my prized possession to cover the rent for myself and my significant other. I gave everything. I loved her so much and all I wanted was her to love me back. When things started getting heavy, every aspect of my life was dedicated to making her feel loved, making her feel safe and trying to keep her comfortable. I never wanted anything in return but love. When you tell someone you will love them forever, I thought that meant forever, not... several months? I´ve had longer relationships with people who professed love of a much lesser degree.

I still love this person. I love her so much, but that love does nothing for me if it´s not reciprocated. It just leads to pain. This was the only time in my life that I genuinely felt in love. You want to know something sad? This was the happiest I had ever been in my life, her and I. Lying with her, felt like the first time I had ever had a home in this world. I felt like I had found what I was looking for. Elements of her past created extreme friction. She wanted me to forgive people who had psychologically/sexually abused her, chronically. I had to sit and play video games with this guy, watch tv with him. The woman I loved, that I would die for... I was sitting right next to the person who had hurt her, not only could I not fucking break the dude´s jaw, but I had to pretend to be okay with it.

I had always hoped that she would work through all of it. I hoped that, together, we could get through some of these trials, myself as an addict and her as a woman suffering from Bipolar Disorder. It just fucking destroyed my mind. These two things were irreconcilable. This dude either needed to be disfigured for life through violence or he needed to be out of my line of sight. It was just too much.

We had just worked through that. I had told her how much I loved her; she was the most important thing in my life. I would tell her she was my life, because she was. I saw the entire world in her beautiful eyes. I could see it all. When the landlord started doing work on the house, it just did terrible things to her. The hammering, sawing and strangers around the house caused her to completely lose her stability. I had just started a new job. I would come home every night and spend the whole night telling her I was there, laying with her, massaging her, rubbing her feet, holding her until she fell asleep.

I would´ve done it every night for the woman I loved. I told her as much. I wouldn´t ever just let her go. This led to a lot of stress. I wasn´t able to function at my job. I was so worried about her. As they kept doing the work, she kept getting worse. It broke my heart. I just wanted her to feel okay, that´s all I wanted in the whole world. She just kept slipping away. I was so sad, so anxious, I ended up taking too much Methadone on multiple occasions.

I lost my cool. I couldn´t maintain my mental health anymore. I was unraveling. Seeing her like that and I just kept being pushed away. Those last 1.5 months were some of the saddest of my life. I saw the love of my life slipping away. Nothing I could do could change it. I became the enemy. Then the final day came. I ended up fleeing from the woman I loved. I then went into one of the hardest, coldest phases of my life and I had just lost the one and only love of my life. My heart was broken, because I loved that woman. I still do, though I am trying to rid myself of that feeling, as it does nothing but cause pain when you have nobody to love you back.

So I will be taking this one slow. I can´t repeat giving my heart away like that. It´s not my style and it was a mistake.
 
no words of comfort, brother.
remember that cold before you make the next move, yes?
massive pressure causes extreme heat resulting in diamond.
shine on, soldier. yer needed at the front. lol jk rest up and eat as healy as possible.
my man can see an end to the madness at hand.
encouraging: (willing to bet i am not alone in feeling this).

no need to respond to this just thinking "out loud".
🙏
 
Keif' Richards said:
I´m not ever handing out my love again. It was a stupid thing to do that goes against pretty much everything that has kept me alive in this world. ¨love¨ caused me to leave my comfortable apartment, to sell my bike, my prized possession to cover the rent for myself and my significant other. I gave everything. I loved her so much and all I wanted was her to love me back. When things started getting heavy, every aspect of my life was dedicated to making her feel loved, making her feel safe and trying to keep her comfortable. I never wanted anything in return but love. When you tell someone you will love them forever, I thought that meant forever, not... several months? I´ve had longer relationships with people who professed love of a much lesser degree.

I still love this person. I love her so much, but that love does nothing for me if it´s not reciprocated. It just leads to pain. This was the only time in my life that I genuinely felt in love. You want to know something sad? This was the happiest I had ever been in my life, her and I. Lying with her, felt like the first time I had ever had a home in this world. I felt like I had found what I was looking for. Elements of her past created extreme friction. She wanted me to forgive people who had psychologically/sexually abused her, chronically. I had to sit and play video games with this guy, watch tv with him. The woman I loved, that I would die for... I was sitting right next to the person who had hurt her, not only could I not fucking break the dude´s jaw, but I had to pretend to be okay with it.

I had always hoped that she would work through all of it. I hoped that, together, we could get through some of these trials, myself as an addict and her as a woman suffering from Bipolar Disorder. It just fucking destroyed my mind. These two things were irreconcilable. This dude either needed to be disfigured for life through violence or he needed to be out of my line of sight. It was just too much.

We had just worked through that. I had told her how much I loved her; she was the most important thing in my life. I would tell her she was my life, because she was. I saw the entire world in her beautiful eyes. I could see it all. When the landlord started doing work on the house, it just did terrible things to her. The hammering, sawing and strangers around the house caused her to completely lose her stability. I had just started a new job. I would come home every night and spend the whole night telling her I was there, laying with her, massaging her, rubbing her feet, holding her until she fell asleep.

I would´ve done it every night for the woman I loved. I told her as much. I wouldn´t ever just let her go. This led to a lot of stress. I wasn´t able to function at my job. I was so worried about her. As they kept doing the work, she kept getting worse. It broke my heart. I just wanted her to feel okay, that´s all I wanted in the whole world. She just kept slipping away. I was so sad, so anxious, I ended up taking too much Methadone on multiple occasions.

I lost my cool. I couldn´t maintain my mental health anymore. I was unraveling. Seeing her like that and I just kept being pushed away. Those last 1.5 months were some of the saddest of my life. I saw the love of my life slipping away. Nothing I could do could change it. I became the enemy. Then the final day came. I ended up fleeing from the woman I loved. I then went into one of the hardest, coldest phases of my life and I had just lost the one and only love of my life. My heart was broken, because I loved that woman. I still do, though I am trying to rid myself of that feeling, as it does nothing but cause pain when you have nobody to love you back.

So I will be taking this one slow. I can´t repeat giving my heart away like that. It´s not my style and it was a mistake.
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If you look back ,there were probably red flags . Once your sexually involved with someone it will be too late. For a lot of my single life I had roommates ,I thought there was no way I could afford to live alone , it would be impossible that was until I did . I was younger ,healthier and though I didn't think I could make it work It did actually ended up being cheaper in the long run. Probably cause i am the codependenttype that would give anyone the shirt off my back . I didn't know the amazing freedom I had back. then .I thought i was missing the love of my life .
Only the love of my life came with a ton of red flags and when he dropped back into my life I thought we were older and wiser ,I thought my great love could change everything. There were other guys I could have married that were madly in love with me that would have given me the world ,I could have been super safe for the rest of my life . But my attraction was for this guy ,he was dangerous and exciting and completely damaged like me . Lol. I related to his pain and he obviously had a thing for weird ,dark crazy chicks with a ton of empathy for guys like him . It didn't hurt he could play guitar like Keith Richards and waz cool without trying .

There were so many red flags but I was
Blinded . It was going to be a painful long ride . Right now i am holding on to one thing . "God works all things for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to his purposes . " lucky for me he found Jesus at Bible study during one of his stints in prison. He went for the cookies and to make fun of the bikers doing the study. But now we are a trio. So we hang on to that . As painful as it gets sometimes. I hope you find that too. This world is a rough. Especially alone.
 
Keif' Richards said:
I´m not ever handing out my love again. It was a stupid thing to do that goes against pretty much everything that has kept me alive in this world. ¨love¨ caused me to leave my comfortable apartment, to sell my bike, my prized possession to cover the rent for myself and my significant other. I gave everything. I loved her so much and all I wanted was her to love me back. When things started getting heavy, every aspect of my life was dedicated to making her feel loved, making her feel safe and trying to keep her comfortable. I never wanted anything in return but love. When you tell someone you will love them forever, I thought that meant forever, not... several months? I´ve had longer relationships with people who professed love of a much lesser degree.
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As someone with bipolar disorder I can understand the challenges that having the disorder can put on other people in our relationships.
You sound like an awesome partner, the kind of one I'd be looking for.
I'm sorry you went through that. But I think it's better that you get away from the situation that to still be sucked into something draining and doing terrible things to you.
I'm glad things have been going better for you. I've been on the job market recently, too. Reading about your new opportunity has been uplifting and inspiring. It gives me hope.
Thanks.
 
maryanne77 said:
There were so many red flags but I was
Blinded . It was going to be a painful long ride . Right now i am holding on to one thing . "God works all things for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to his purposes . " lucky for me he found Jesus at Bible study during one of his stints in prison. He went for the cookies and to make fun of the bikers doing the study. But now we are a trio. So we hang on to that . As painful as it gets sometimes. I hope you find that too. This world is a rough. Especially alone.
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I'm really glad things are going better for you guys. A three way relationship with Jesus sounds like an amazing thing. My mother and I had a better relationship through the fellowship of a local church and it's amazing how it can bring two people together. As someone who's been to prison, thanks for being willing to stand by him when he needs you the most. The worst part of prison is being away from the people you love. You're an angel for doing it.
 
Thanks for the kind words @abefourth yea it´s been tough. I´ve had to go into survival mode at many times in my life. I´ve never had to do it while dealing with such a heavy amount of heartbreak. I was stupid with my decision making. I wish I had unlimited resources, because I could then attempt to be there for this person. I don´t though. We were living paycheck to paycheck. Striking out on my own reduced me to nothing at a time when I have to admit, I was very naive about what the cost would be. It has now been a couple of months of straight grinding. Whenever I reach a moment where I feel like I can breathe financially, I´m then sucked right back into the feelings of heartbreak.

It´s not just about me either. You can´t be mad at someone for a condition they did not ask for. Despite how ugly things got at times, that doesn´t change the fact that I loved this person and that I still do. I know the person inside. It sucks because I feel I´m never going to see that person again.

Still, the struggle to stay alive out here keeps my mind off of things. It feels like I´m constantly trying to keep my head above the waves after falling overboard. I have a moment where I get up there and take a big breat, but then I sink back down and have to hold my breath. I can make decent money when I have a job in my field, but these menial jobs do nothing but pay for food. I have often asked myself how long it would take before a supermarket calls my bluff for stealing their food and I´ve now encountered that.

It´s not as if I can´t move on to the next store and steal their food, but the fact that I got caught once throws off my mojo to such an extent that I´ve been hesitant to take anything. Now I´m seeing how much food costs. I have to eat a nutritious diet or all of my Lupus shit goes crazy. I wish I could survive on peanut butter and crackers and ramen like back in the day, but I can´t.

Here in Vermont, you´re either constantly grinding for survival, as it is so expensive here, or it seems you resign yourself to being a ward of the state and pedestrians willing to give you cash. Believe me, I know how much the people make panhandling, often a few hundred within a few hours at least. That is that one barrier that even this filthy junkbox is not willing to cross yet. Even though I´m fucked and not able to cover my costs, I´m committed to making my own way in this world. I would have the money, but I wouldn´t be able to feel good about myself.

I have no judgement for folks who panhandle. Maybe it´s pure luck that I´ve never been there myself. I want to continue to be someone my clients (soon to be a Welcome Back Kotter situation at my new job) can look up to. I´m not above accepting help from friends and people who care about me, but I still want to do this shit myself. If I get money from friends or family, it´s not just for partying or getting my dinner delivered to my door, it´s about rebuilding the life that I had to completely throw away.

I have no guitar, no amplifier, no pedals... I sold about 2,000 worth of gear for 350 dollars at guitar center during an especially cold week a month or so ago. I sold my bike, my prized possession and my only real way of commuting to jobs, I have been commuting by bike for years. I have lost literally everything but my phone and my shitty little chromebook that I use to talk to you folks. It is an entire life, a career and my own identity that I´m rebuilding.

Right now, it is food more than anything that costs, but medicine is an issue. The medical community seem to really be getting much stingier about unpaid bills. You want a different provider, sure, but that takes at least a couple of months; a new psychiatrist, forget about it, I´m lucky to even have one.

I am in the process of backgrund checks right now for my new job at the Youth Shelter. The checks are more stringent when you´re working with kids, but this should be starting within the next week or so. 2 weeks after that start date, I´ll be paid. Once I get my first full paycheck from my new job, that is when the rebuilding takes place. I´ve overdrafted bank accounts, borrowed money from cashapp, owe doctors money, owe my dentist money (already had one tooth pulled, but now need to have them do a root canal on the next tooth. It fucing hurts and is a constant reminder of my situation. Thank god for orajel).

There is reason to hope. I´m withdrawing from Gabapentin, without Vyvanse and struggling to fucking do anything, but I still am doing it. Every time I thought I was close to fixing things, FOOD/SHELTER/PHONE. I am tired of just taking that gasp of air every once in a while. Once the job starts, I have hope that everything can get better. We have to have hope guys.

And to that girl that I had to leave, I still love you and I hope life gives you everything you want from it. Wherever you are, I support you and only want the best for you.

Right now, I have Dale to keep me company. She doesn´t mind the fact that I´m a complete fucking bum, though I suspect she knows I won´t be a bum forever. We are both dedicated to our sobriety. She is just one more aspect of this life that gives me that lungful of oxygen when I need it. God provides for all of us I suppose.
 
Keif' Richards said:
even this filthy junkbox is not willing to cross yet
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please stop "shit talking yourself". it hurts you and by proxy others who care. you are an amazing person with true grit and a man of many talents. a caring person but not much for self. i live it. learning. still....
i feel fairly sure that no one sees us worst than ourselves. to others we are their anchor but it comes at a great cost i am coming to understand. i have basically given up in the job market here i cant give anymore there is little left and must use the remaining wisely if you will. again... learning.
bro, you are seen globally as a pillar of harm reduction history. a "good" guy. reliably consistent. etc.
i ask myself what is holding you back. i know heartbreak as well. its probably posted somewhere around here idk but it was a deep mourning i felt and still feel it to this day. yeah, we still together. 30 yrs. she isnt and hansnt been a user and has the perspective that if a user dies they deserve it. ya get it. not sure how this is still going and have thoughts that i would have to remove myself from it all to accomplish real "healing".
just givin some words to distract ya for a sec. maybe they have little meaning but they are facts fwiw.
yeah i think noone sees ya the way you post feeling of who you are. you are still moving and appears a network of sors is beginning which i fell is important personally but this is also new to me. a loner. diy. knowing that one has at least one or two others that have your back provides a sense of relief even if its just a little less stress or whatever one calls it. are there any others about to associate with that are reliable, supportive "types"? social workers, mental health programs, drop in enhanced outpatient therapy, others in recovery that may or not be "clean" but mean well anyway any positive space(s) wherein to embed oneself....
Keif' Richards said:
a few hundred within a few hours at least
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bro if i had the ability i would do this at LEAST part time i dont care what kida job i had or income coming. thats good income and quick.
i wish

on another note

maybe someone can create a gofundme or the like (i know its late in the game) for K'eif. i would but i had posted one once that they felt was a scam and its been an issue ever since... it was for another not sure why they blocked me.

i mean 10 bucks may not seem like a lot - maybe it is - but would you like to be helped if the time came and there was no one in your corner? been there not alone in that but its not that great....

paypal is another option to send a few pence.

may we all stay human and remember where we came from, where we at and where we going.

best to us all
 
is there a purpose to or for our struggle? No two struggles are exactly alike therefore is one struggle greater than another? life is a series of struggles...during childbirth we struggle out of the womb. In our youth we struggle to become adults with adult responsibilities and privileges. As we grow old we struggle to maintain our youth. When we die...well we struggle with that too.
The struggle doesn't end if anything as we mature and take on added responsibility the struggle grows with us until we decide the struggle is no longer worth it so we stop struggling and learn to accept our fate and circumstances without struggling. Only then can we appreciate life without struggle.
It is easier to ride the wave than to oppose it.
 
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